Recent Comments
- by: shevrae - and I've only been in a long-term relationship with one partner with ADHD (28 years and counting) but when I've agonized for 3 days over how to say something trying to remember all the rules I've been given about how to say something properly to minimize the chances of defensiveness and try to remove all emotion from the issue but I really need something to be addressed and he is immediately defensive - yeah, it's frustrating and discouraging. After decades of this it's cause for me to immediately end the...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: alphabetdave - Does "the initial reaction" really matter this much? Don't get me wrong, I would much rather not have an initial reaction that is out of proportion to what is being said to me - neither myself or the OP are claiming that this is ideal. But if this is only the "initial reaction", and it it's only brief, and it's only defensive (I am not excusing actual abuse), and if the ADHDer recognises it as wrong, and recants, and then validates your feelings - is this not enough? This is a genuine question btw, not an...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: 1Melody1 - "Of all the people who came on this forum in the last 7 years who were looking for support to end things, not one came back to say they were mistaken and went back to their ADHD partner." O M G. You're right. If that isn't telling, what is?>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Swedish coast - I think severe ADHD (especially with a hard childhood on top) makes it difficult for even the best person to meet the expectations of a non partner. The expectations we may place on our ADHD loved ones are natural to us. We can and will reciprocate what we ask for. Only to the ADHD mind, those expectations are impossible both to grasp and to meet. I've found the best description was my husband and I each had our separate universe. We didn't understand each other at all even after decades together. It's...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you, carrot. You're right that the fire is truly terrifying. Moreso because I have to pull my kids through it with me - although they've expressed a desire for their parents to separate. :( I'm glad to hear that others have found peace on the other side.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you so much for sharing your experience as well. It is so validating to hear that I'm not imagining things and that others are experiencing the same. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My thoughts go out to you, too.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you, Swedish coast. This is also great insight for me to consider. I've been thinking that if can learn to be empathetic or to show the love that he claims to have, then things would be ok. But you found even that to be an impossible situation. I'm sure my husband is also suffering from childhood emotional neglect (or abuse, even) on top of ADHD. The combo is devastating. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Wow - that analogy is bang on. I've even said that I feel like I'm running a marathon while he's throwing chairs at me. We are just sooo disconnected. Your advice to leave slowly is also well taken. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and helping to validate what I've been feeling.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: shevrae - I agree with you 100%. And this is compassionate behavior for the non-partner as well. Self-compassion often gets forgotten as we try to empathize with how hard this condition must be for our partner. But it's hard on us too and we're often not getting a lot of care from our partner about it.>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: mstdn - Good one, thank you!>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: adhd32 - Boundary time. When she starts do not try to explain anything. When she is calm tell her you will no longer accept her verbal bashing. If she starts hold up your hand and walk away or drive away. Tell her that you will no longer be an audience for her imagined slights and if she can be a big grown up and have a big adult conversation, you will listen. I am sure she does not treat everyone like this so she clearly has self control. You must require her to treat you respectfully. You cannot change her,...>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: adhd32 - Everyone has different reasons for the choices they make. The reward for leaving is a peaceful life, self respect, financial security, disentanglement from being codependent in order to keep the peace, a clean home, a healthy environment for their kids, freedom to make and execute your own plans. First, though, you have to walk through the fire not knowing what is on the other side. That is the daunting part. Of all the people who came on this forum in the last 7 years who were looking for support to...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: adhd32 - Change in behavior requires constant effort by the ADHD person. If they are not doing anything different and not showing a commitment to change, you will remain as you are. Additionally, you may see some effort if you start talking about leaving but that is to keep you around until you fade into the background once again. A lot of advice on this forum for marital improvement is aimed at the non partner to be understanding, talk softly when spouse is in a good mood, blah blah blah. None of these...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Off the roller ... - I really appreciate you posting this because this is me right now. I'm at the point that it's time to find out if he is interested in changing or not and then I'll be making my decisions about which way to go - same routes as you: stay and endure or leave. Both are hard. Choosing your hard is hard. I'm so sorry you are going through it.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you so much. Your words don't sound harsh so much as they have a deep ring of truth.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you so much. I see - accept and endure or make plans, but in any case stop hoping for change.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Swedish coast - It didn't matter that he actually cared deeply about me and is one of the most loving and empathetic people I've ever met. He had no ability to see what his ADD did to me and he wasn't interested in facing it. It was more important for him to preserve his self-image. I left him, I had no alternative in the end. Am traumatized by the way my marriage ended. Still glad I left. I'm so sorry for your pain.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: 1Melody1 - "How can I get him to see how badly this has affected us," In my experience with a very similar-sounding husband, I could not get him to see it. At the end of our 20 year marriage, he still said, "IF I have ADHD, it's very minor." (He had a diagnosis by then even.) It's not minor. It's like landmines exploding in every single part of our lives every single day. Based on what you wrote, it seems like your husband is absolutely unwilling to see the chaos/pain/work he causes and like adhd32 said, you...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: honestly - My OH has headphones on all the time. Once I thought he'd actually left me; I'd called everyone for dinner but he didn't come; the kids hunted all over the house but couldn't find him. I felt a moment's relief and joy- but then eldest checked the sitting room - right next to where I was calling from at the bottom of the stairs, and he was in there, oblivious, with them on. Hugely disappointing.>>> on Forum topic - Rude or unaware?
- by: adhd32 - You cannot make him see his behavior or feel empathy. Assume this is the best he will ever be. Become a spectator and observe what he does. Actions not words. Clearly he isn't interested in change. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him change. Really, your choices are stay and endure this life or start making plans to leave.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me