Recent Comments
- by: BurnedOutLady - And I see it in my husband. That is definitely how he feels.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: BurnedOutLady - In my other posts I have described how actually I have just split with my husband and he has moved out. So this post of mine is really just me assessing what has happened over the past 13 years and trying to make sense of it.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: Swedish coast - Removed that comment on second thoughts>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: CANTGOBACK - I can't help but notice, you are beyond frustrated about why can't a rational mind, after 10000 incidences, not make a decision to override certain behaviors... Why does this not apply to your own rational mind, and the decisions you make? Are you averse to seeing how you ignore consequences of your own choice to stubbornly insist and expect that someone's behavior will be different than it has, for 10000 incidents? In spite of how frustrating things are, you are not and have never been a hostage to...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: Swedish coast - I'm moved by the efforts you've made in your marriage and hope you will be happier soon. What do your Elders say about ADHD? I imagine even though diagnoses we talk of today are recent discoveries, the religious communities must have thought about these things happening in marriages long before we knew the biochemical reason for it? All the best to you, C.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: alphabetdave - essentially women sometimes seem to be better at masking ADHD - usually at high cost to themselves, as masking is always at a cost from what I gather, they pretty much learn to put in place lots of coping mechanisms (not necessarily all good?) so that they get through life fairly minimally affected by ADHD on the outside menopause in particular seems to be a lot of women's "breaking point", all the changes involved throw them out of whack, their masks don't work nor do their strategies I'll not make...>>> on Forum topic - Any Nons here find out they too have ADHD?
- by: alphabetdave - When I read this I couldn't help but think that there's a parallel idea to this in my own experience, from the ADHD side. So parallel in some ways that I hope you don't mind, I'm going to adapt your first paragraph to what it often feels like from my side (disclaimer: none of this is necessarily accurate so much as it's an expression of feelings, and it might not correspond to every ADHDer's feelings either) I think part of the dynamic is when we, the partner with ADHD, imagines that if our partner...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: BurnedOutLady - Just an update -- my partner, who moved out a week ago, but only to the house next door - continues to come over because we do work together. He can work here but go to his house to eat and watch TV. But he has not taken the TV even though I keep telling him to take it. And so, I still find him here on the couch watching TV. The flash point of our troubles for months has been him making a mess in the living room while watching TV and eating. Leaving all his shit all over the table, crumbs, food sludge,...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - I can imagine my partner doing that. I mean that has been the default theme anyway, but I can imagine him just kind of flipping completely in order to salvage his ego. It could be that your partner spoke with someone who doesn't really know the story and that person supported him in thinking that you are just too demanding. Anyway what's next is that you can continue being demoralized and beaten down and exhausted to the very depths of your being, or you can consider how to have a life on your own.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: 1Melody1 - I never experienced the shift because my ex husband maintained that state of denial the entire time. From experience I can tell you that the non-ADHD partner can't alone improve a relationship where negative ADHD symptoms are what's making it dysfunctional. Or rather you CAN for one of you... by doing everything and becoming nothing, your HUSBAND will feel like the relationship is great, but you'll be an angry, exhausted shell of a person. You only get one life... don't give it up for someone who refuses...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: alphabetdave - this sounds kind of familiar - hear me out in this comment as it's probably going to sound like I'm taking your partner's side for a while but this isn't my intention! It's interesting that you mention that he was diagnosed as a child, and that you've been together for 20 years - only mention this because, our understanding and approach to ADHD has changed massively in just the last 10 years alone, let alone his whole life. In particular something which is much more commonplace now, is an abundance of...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: honestly - Thank you for your explanation and very effective analogy. It does sound really difficult, and you seem like a thoughtful and caring person. To be clear, I did not mean to imply that people with ADHD were addicted to dopamine - I am aware of the baseline lack. My husband's particular teflon situation has been to turn away entirely from tasks he doesn't want to do - he is above the day to day pettiness of cooking, sorting out thr kids, or driving places in the car. I realise now it's probably RSD...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: honestly - I haven't experienced this as a sudden shift myself, but have been cast in that way for a long time. I am described as relentlessly negative, critical, and cruel. When tasked by a therapist to substantiate that final claim, all OH could come up with was a conversation we'd had 25 years ago, before we were even married, in which I'd reported something a wee bit harsh someone else had said about an ex of mine who had unceremoniously dumped me. Literally that was it. Not another single example. But I have...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: Nevergoodemough - I don't think anyone believes me the Jekyll & Hide thing either but I also don't talk about it much. i am however glad I found this forum. Definitely makes me feel way less crazy than years of therapy were able to. I'm in therapy for several years already for "inability to feel joy and relax". Some days I wonder why, some days I KNOW!>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: c ur self - Hopefully it will go OK, it's something I never wanted to be part of my life...But, I could probably say that for other hard places, and tough times...I guess the transition for us will be about as easy as it can be for any couple....She didn't take my name, her house is 2.5 miles from this one, it still has the utilities on...We make about the same money and never shared accounts...We do taxes separately also....Her life style for 16 years has been one that flowed from an Independent mind, (single minded...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - Yes. That really does happen. And while it can't be true, there are times when it just seems like he is actually trying to make things worse for me. Particularly before any events. I have some events that I do that take a lot of work, and not only will he never help ahead of time, but it's like he throws firecrackers at my feet at the last minute. I can count on it. It does feel a lot like he is purposefully just refusing to allow me to lead, to do what I ask, just because I am asking. He doesn't want me...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: alphabetdave - or at least, I tried to give an answer to this yesterday but it didn't work out to be very coherent. I'm tackling this post in 3 parts as it's easier for me that way: When I say "I don't have the option to passively notice mess and dealing with it as I go about my day", what I mean by this is, I don't really have the option to consistently, passively notice anything. This is why ADHD is called what it is - the "attention deficit" part is a bit misleading because we don't actually lack attention, we just...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - Eeks! The dishrags!! My husband didn't feed our child either. HE would eat, but not feed her. ??? It got so that I couldn't go out for anything longer than a dental appointment and even then I'd generally return to chaos of some sort. It was imprisoning. Wish I'd left earlier of course but the threat of sharing custody with someone who couldn't meet our child's basic needs loomed large.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - I'm heartened you've found peace with a hard decision but sorry for the challenges you've faced and that still lie ahead. ❤️>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - 100% he thought this was helping. I agree. Here's the thing... Obviously I had gotten to that point alone, understanding I would receive no help from him... so after I've cleaned the whole house, planned the event, bought the food and am preparing that food... while he chilled on his laptop all week... to actively make my life worse just before company arrives when I've already bent over backwards to work around the ADHD as it is? It's just too much. And I did tell him that any other day I would fully...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess