I'm new and have a question here for anyone who's thought about this. I'd be really grateful to know what conclusion you came to and what your thought process was.
I'm a non adhd spouse and we have three young children. My husband was recently diagnosed and has tried medication, which helped but didn't magically resolve everything, but has recently been stopped due to medication shortages. He's just started seeing a therapist who specialises in adhd. I will say it took him six years to get a diagnosis after I initially told him I think he has adhd. He is not as extreme as some I have read on this forum. He is a wonderful father in the moment and can hold down a decent job, but basically can't contribute much beyond that to parenting or the household - or to supporting me and my own needs (though at least he sees he's not and wants to). He also has typical adhd emotional dysregulation stuff - not aggressive but hyper sensitive and can have big emotional reactions to small things, a sense of urgency they dont really require. I also have a demanding career which is important to me. He accepts his adhd (in theory) and is deeply sorry for what it puts on me and doesn't want things to be that way. But he almost never recognises the symptoms in the moment and will get very angry and upset if I point anything out. It's almost like being married to two different people. I feel I'm often left trying to help him manage his emotions in a way I don't want to do (I'm very aware of a parent-child dynamic, but like others on this forum this can be hard to step away from when you have children because of the consequences). I do this partly because I want to help him but tbh a big reason is to minimise the impact of his negative emotional reactions on everything else (because often I'm spinning many plates already when he'll unexpectedly get upset about something).
I have my own things to deal with from childhood that I am seeing a therapist for. They recently advised that I am so overwhelmed and burnt out that they think I am not in place to open things up and deal with them. That was a wake up call for me - that going on as I have may cost me fundamental things I need as a person. And really sad.
Close friends I have confided in have said they see me looking burnt out, that I don't have the spark I used to and that they are worried about me. Having young kids is obviously a factor, but I think a husband with adhd is the bigger one tbh.
Point is: Ive read up loads on adhd. I understand where a lot of my husbands more challenging behaviours come from, I'm not angry with him. Ive read Melissa's book. So has my husband. There's some good stuff in there, we've tried a lot of it. It never sticks. In all honesty, some of it doesn't resonate with me. A lot of it appears to still involve a great deal of compromise from the non adhd spouse. That might work for some people, but right now I'm left with the feeling that I just don't want to
live like that. That it's not acceptable for me. That it involves too much compromise at my expense. I don't know how to know if that's right. I don't want to end my marriage but as time goes on I feel less and less attached to that, more feeling a need to focus on my own well being. I've been honest with my husband about all of this. He desperately loves me and wants to save our marriage, but tbh he's been saying that for years and nothing ever gets better enough for me to stop having these thoughts. But it's not clear cut because he is a good person and he is trying, but I'm just not sure if it will ever be enough.
Has anyone else had thoughts like this?
Oh yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Your story resonates with me completely.
You say you concluded you don't want to accept the situation like it is. I think that is a healthy conclusion. Burnout is not acceptable. You need to protect yourself from it.
I loved my husband too, he loved me, he is a good person, and he did everything he could to improve the outcome of ADD treatment. I had to leave anyway, because he lacked in ability and I burned out.
We also had three young children when the ADD became increasingly difficult. I stayed until the children were all old enough to express their needs and also generally were more robust - two were teenagers.
In hindsight, I might have done better if I had left earlier. He might have too. About the children, I'm not so sure. I was afraid my husband might start another family and that my children would no longer be his highest priority. I guess that's still a possibility, but smaller now.
I'm so sorry you're facing this. You seem to see the situation with great clarity. I hope that will help you make good decisions for yourself.
My doctor who helped me finally leave pointed out that if I go down, my children go down too. With a partly functioning ADHD father, your children's greatest resource is you.
I have thoughts like this almost every day
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Your story is very similar to mine, and I feel like this too. My H is a very good person, tries hard but somehow it doesn't stick, or if it does it takes so long that it's not helpful. What's different is he has almost always worked for himself, in his passion, which has not been a good / stable source of income, because he refuses to work in a normal job that he isn't passionate about. Plus, we live in a foreign country, where language is an issue and so earning a good income is difficult for both of us. It's not impossible, but he wont really try anything else as he is very low on self-esteem for anything that might expose him (very sensitive to rejection) and that (plus the pandemic's financial effects) has really ruined us financially. Due to circumstances, I worked with him for a long time, and so saw even more how this disorder affects him, and I have now decided to earn my own money, away from him, to give myself more security and develop skills that will allow me to earn independently. So, not exactly the same as your circumstances, but my feelings are the same as yours. We also have kids, one of whom has ADHD.
I already know that I wont be fulfilled in this marriage, that our partnership is not equal in most ways, let alone him being more driven / proactive than me, and I think every single day, how can I do this forever? I wrote a post a few days ago, that echoes these sentiments. Now I'm wondering, if I go on to be the main breadwinner as well, what actually is left for me to see him as the other adult or someone who can give to me, and not be just another dependent. I'm scared, but I'm so tired of this way of life. I feel sorry for him way more than is healthy. The parent-child dynamic is unfortunately very entrenched, because I can see way ahead of time what the risks of his action / inaction can be, and he honestly doesn't. His level of functioning is that of someone in their mid-twenties (financial, social, when it comes responsibility and forward planning etc.) but in reality he is twice that age. He lives in the now (and we're not young enough anymore, to make any MORE mistakes).
I've spent the last few years with a very skilled therapist, have gotten through all my personal, family-of-origin stuff, was damn close to burnout and was completely depressed, as you describe, due to a decade of unexpected difficult life circumstances plus undiagnosed ADD and ADHD in the family. And now I'm wondering, how much longer can I go on compromising myself, and knowing it's not enough. And I feel terrible because he knows it's not enough for me, and I'm not sure he can ever give it to me. It's so sad, because he is loyal and honest and tries so hard, everyone sees the discrepancy but because he does nothing wrong or bad, I feel terrible for even feeling the way I do.
(I've had really good, supportive comments and replies to my original post, somehow when I post from my phone though my replies get lost, so this time I'm posting from my PC.)
yes
Submitted by honestly on
absolutely.
all of what you say.
I am also in therapy, dealing with childhood stuff. I've brought this to the marriage - I think it's made me accept behavior that many others would really really not, and generally struggle to see what is okay and what isn't. Which is why we are together still, after 20 years.
Be honest with yourself
Submitted by adhd32 on
Only he can change himself. Only you can change you. Do what you have the power to do and concentrate on yourself. Consider your life 10 years from now stuck in the same place, still wishing and hoping for him to throw himself into treatment and you still compromising to keep the peace. Your kids will be teens by then, life with 3 teens is no walk in the park. That was the time in our lives when my H checked out of parenthood. He couldn't deal with normal teen behavior and would shoot from the hip and make disastrous rules he couldn't keep on top of with them. At that point, it would have been easier to be a single parent. I could go on and on but just know that you need to stay connected to life aside from him. Cultivate your interests. Stop helping him with things he can do for himself and don't impact you. Tell him you are no longer walking on eggshells and he needs to work on himself and have a strategy to deal with his emotions (boundary) or you will walk or drive away when he starts becoming unhinged. You will no longer coddle him through his meltdowns. What you will be doing is ending the parent/child dynamic and handing his problems back to him to handle as he is an adult. As far as the rest, be prepared for him to never step up since he hasn't ever and likely never will. Unless he commits to working on his ADHD you will remain as is until you have had enough.
Yes...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been married to a high level add minded wife for 16 years....I have been on this site for 11 years, maybe 12 of those...I've had all kinds of thoughts as it relates to being free from the behaviors that are so intrusive and even abusive to a degree....But, then I bring those thought's into subjection, and continue on attempting to be my best self each day with in my present circumstances...I've gotten quiet close (emotionally) to a couple of ladies on this site over the years who are wonderful ladies, but were/are also just stuck in the same place I am....Of course I've never spoken that, and rightfully so...But, to be completely honest it's not an unthinkable thing...So yes, I've wished that I had someone who could do martial work, some one who could show empathy and appreciation....Someone who could be aware and take ownership easily....But I also cast those thought off about as quick as they occur, just because I understand the weight of my vows....And I know that it is not a good place to live each day for peace of mind and spirit....
After learning to be the fly on the wall in my marriage, (hard to do) I've realized that most of our spouses are people who's lives only work well as single people....There is just no way around this reality....Do they want all the things I want as it pertains to relational life...Of course...But what is the cost to the spouse, children, relationship etc.?? My spouse was 46, I was a 50 year old widower (Breast can cancer took my wife of 30 years)...I longed for another 30 (how ever long) years of relational life...So I ignored the red flags, knew I would work hard at it, and love her....That's the thing about marriage....One can't do it for two....It really come down to different realities for each of us....We may deal with a lot of the same behaviors....But, we also deal w/ different one's....
I understand your thoughts...I understand your struggle....I want offer any advice...But, to say I am pulling for you to have your best life...And for you to totally understand what that is....I will pray for you!
Bless you...
c