Submitted by ashleyzimmer on 01/26/2012.
I am in a relationship with someone with ADHD. I don't have ADHD. When I started reading ADHD Effect on Marriage, I was relieved and hopeful. I asked my boyfriend to read the patterns section so he could understand how I feel. He started to read it, then he left it at work. Needless to say he hasn't read it and still does not know/understand how I am feeling. I have lost hope. How can anything ever change with someone who has ADHD?
Possible...
Submitted by YYZ on
The ADDer HAS to recognize there is a problem. I'm an ADDer, BTW...
It was the thought that I was about to lose everything that sent me searching for answers.
Sitting down and reading a
Submitted by ADDmama1 on
Sitting down and reading a book can be a nightmare of a project to take on. I do best with audio books. Reading more than a pamphlet is more than my attention can handle. Your mind reads the words but they don't register well. If has any sort of daily commute maybe he can listen to the audio book in his car.
My ADD husband is another audio book guy
Submitted by Aspen on
but I really like to read the printed page and hate audio books. So for a book we both want/need to read like Melissa's our options would be buying both a print copy and audio or having me read it aloud to him during our commutes together. It takes longer to read it together that way than I can read it on my own, but we can stop and talk about anything that applies along the way.
Handing my husband a book by an author he really likes and expecting him to take less than several months to read it is not going to happen. Whereas I read really fast and any book that really interests me will be devoured in a few hours-2 days tops. Just have to deal with the differences among personalities and abilities
Partner denying?
Submitted by framis on
I have been married for 42 years and recently found the problem with my marriage. I am certain I am ADD. My wife is also probably also partially ADD. Wifey has taken the attitude I am incapable of doing anything right. She dominates the relationship and controls everything. She does not recognize that I have opinions or ideas on anything. I get statements like "I told you that" "I already said that" "Why don't you listen" all the time. We have had counseling three times and she believes I have to change, she does not.
I think entering into a relationship where your partner is denying the situation, you will be over your head almost immediately.
Thanks for all the responses.
Submitted by ashleyzimmer on
Thanks for all the responses. He isn't denying or resisting. I guess he's not doing it in my timeframe like one response said about her husband, which I guess makes me think/feel he doesn't care enough to make a real effort when he probably is making his best effort. This is my problem to learn to deal with his timing (and not compare it to how long it would take me to do the same thing) and to not just assume his actions (or lack of action) mean he doesn't care. He has made an appointment for evaluation to get on medication which I think is a huge step in the right direction. I guess I need to realize and accept that it is going to be a slow journey with both forward and backward movement but a journey worth taking. Thank you to all.
Keep in mind that many of us
Submitted by ADDmama1 on
Keep in mind that many of us have to try several different types of medication in order to find the right one or the right combination. Keep an eye on what changes take place after about 3 months. If he slides backwards, lovingly help him realize it so that he can try something new.
I have been married for 27
Submitted by McCleskey on
I have been married for 27 years, and my husband was just diagnosed a few months ago. If I knew how unbelievably hard marriage to a man with ADD was going to be, frankly, I would have run and not looked back. The signs were there, but I was young and had never heard of ADD. Please do not take this situation lightly. Years and years of it change who you are. I have read the blogs where people have changed and their relationships are good now, but I am so tired of all of this that I can't quite believe that it is as good as they say. You are single. You don't HAVE to do this. I realize that I sound cynical, but if I didn't have children and a 30 year history with this man, I would leave.
It is definitely not for the
Submitted by ADDmama1 on
You suggest I not start a
Submitted by ashleyzimmer on
You suggest I not start a life with someone I love and care for deeply just because he has ADHD? He's not mean or defensive when I talk about ADHD and how it is affecting our relationship. He is seeking help and wants to change things. I love him very much and want to help him make those changes. I hope that your situation gets better. Don't lose hope on the ones you love.
Another word from someone married to an ADHD'er almost 25 yea
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Your comment that you have lost hope IS, INDEED a good reason to at least hold off, if not completely make you rethink things. Marriage is difficult enough, and adding ADHD to the mix can make it next to impossible. I don't see where you have mentioned how long you have been together, but maybe just more time, and closely monitoring things to see how they go really is in your best interest. Good luck to you and your ADHD partner.
Over two years. Do you wish
Submitted by ashleyzimmer on
Over two years. Do you wish you would have never married someone with ADHD? Is that a reason not to marry someone? How can I just leave someone I love just because he has ADHD?
We are telling you to think long and hard first
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I will be married for 25 years on April 4th. My husband was only recently diagnosed late last June, and only as of January 6th has he been on the correct medication, changing our lives for the better. All I am telling you, is to think long and hard about making the commitment of marriage. Make sure he identifies that he has it, seeks psychological or psychiatric help, and begins on medication to help himself. If he won't do that for you, and for the sake of your lives together, then YES, I say DO NOT marry him. ADHD is like a cancer to the relationship, and to you as the partner of an ADHD spouse. It eats away day by day, at the core of the basic fundamentals of the relationship (trust, honesty, partnership), and therefore will eat away at your self esteem and well being. Marriage is not something anyone should ever take lightly, or rush into. Those contemplating it with an ADHD partner need to get help BEFOREHAND, during and throughout the entire relationship, if you want the best possible outcome, as I am certain you do.
Personally, it is hard to answer in simple YES and NO, the questions you have posed. I have known my husband 34 years, have been married almost 25 (HUGE DIFFERENCE than 2 years)and we have two beautiful soon to be 18 year old twins(whom I cannot imagine my life without. I can say there were many, many years in there that YES, I wish I hadn't married him. Is that a reason NOT to marry someone? I say YES, if they are not willing to get the help they need, to give to you, the BEST person they can be. I struggle all the time with the last question you posed. Leaving someone JUST BECAUSE they have ADHD?? No, but what you ARE leaving is all the years of hurt, pain, self doubt and loss of self worth behind. ADHD is a painful, painful condition. For both the person suffering with it, AND the spouse. You have to go on with your relationship, and make your own decisions from there. I wish you nothing but the best, and happiness in whatever decision you ultimately make.
NJTWINMOM...that was a very
Submitted by McCleskey on
NJTWINMOM...that was a very honest reply. Ashley you don't mention how old you are. I married at 26. My husband was 32. You just do not have a true grasp of how difficult marriage itself can be even without the ADHD. I have two children, but feel like I have had three for the last 25 years. You honestly feel like a single parent except, if you are lucky, your husband will make a decent living and help with the bills. The feelings of loss of self-worth are the worst. I would not, for any reason, go through it again. Best of luck to you. Just know what you are getting into.
Thank you all for
Submitted by ashleyzimmer on
Thank you all for your candid responses. You have given me lots to think about. Good luck to all of you too.
Thank you Mc Cleskey
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Honesty is my way. That is another reason my husbands "issues" were so damaging to my self worth and self esteem. I gave honesty and expected it in return. I got years and years of lies and stories. I can't say I wouldn't do it again, because this is how my children came to be, and I wouldn't change that for anything.
We seem to be the same age "ish" and married for the same amount of time. How are things in your world currently? Let's chat.
Yes! Let's chat!
Submitted by McCleskey on
I am 53. I live in Texas, and have all my life. Like you, I adore my children, but also like you, the lies from my husband just never stopped. And over the silliest of things. And when we would have a fight, it would ALWAYS be my fault because I "over-reacted". That word still makes me angry. He knows better than to use it now. We actually divorced after 18 years because I couldn't take it anymore. I COULD NOT deal with the guilt that the divorce caused my children, so we re-married 6 years ago. Until this diagnosis, I just lived in my head at home and went out to dinner or the movies with my friends when I needed to get out. I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel and felt like I had totally wasted my life. The diagnoses made a difference in the fact that he finally admitted that HE had a problem, and that it hadn't been ME all these years just "overreacting". And now that I know exactly what the problem is, I am very, very slowly beginning to let go of the anger. I see the ADHD as the demon now. Not my husband. I am still very cautious about showing my feelings or expecting much of anything from him, but he is making a real effort and is on his meds now. And unfortunately, my son is also ADHD. I almost pray he never marries. Can you tell I am really tired of this wretched disease? Tell me about you.
Continued Chat
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I'm 48. Have lived in Jersey all my life. Met my husband when we were in high school. He as 15 and I was 14. We dated for 2 years, then broke up due to his shenanigans. I had been through enough. He subsequently lost his drivers license, and moved to Indiana with his sister, and took up with a girl who he had been "friends" with since he was even younger. They lived together, and he even called to tell me he was engaged. Though we had been apart, I was devastated. He was miles away, and out of my mind, but still in my heart I suppose I could say. He came back to Jersey when I was fresh out of a relationship, had gone to school, and was really getting it all together as an adult. We dated a little, and I could see I was falling hard again. I simply told him that I didn't want to get hurt again, and if he was just in it for a good time, to please move on and leave me alone. He assured me he had come back for me, to have me in his life and so the dating continued. This was September 1985, and that May 1986 we were engaged, with a wedding date set for April 4, 1987. We bickered a bit here and there, but planning a wedding is stressful. There was nothing out of the ordinary in my opinion.
I swear once we walked down the aisle, it all changed. END HYPERFOCUS. The lies, the cheating, the stories started almost immediately. I did everything I could for years and years to make this marriage that I wanted so much, to work. We bought a home in December 1992, and by that July, I was pregnant with twins. He was amazing the entire time I was pregnant. So kind, caring and right there with me, every step of the way. By the time the kids were 3 or 4, and could speak their opinions and became little people instead of babies, the magic seemed to wear off. He was short with them and at times nasty. I became interference between them many times.
Through the years, it has been more of the same. Him being short tempered, lying and cheating. I too, was always "overreacting". Why on Earth I am still with him, who knows? I just never ended it. Last year, 2011 we were separated almost the entire year. He was living with his Mom and supposed to be getting his sh*t together, as he promised, because he was sad that his actions made him lose his family and he wanted us back (his words). Well he wound up just being on an extended vacation. Mommy took care of cooking, cleaning and laundry. She lives near the water, so he went fishing, and just generally was a single guy having fun. Internet dating sites were his idea of "fun".
Finally, just before the holidays, I made an appointment with the psychologist we had seen together many times in the last few years. My intention with this appointment was to learn how to "get over him". I never mentioned this appointment to him at all. Days before the appointment, he came to me and said that he was failing miserably at getting himself together, and would I please help him. I did. I got him an appointment with his GP. We all finally decided that it was time to start medication. That night he filled his first prescription for AdderallXR , and he began it the next day. Things have been nothing short of incredible ever since. He is focused, able to pay attention and his short temper is GONE. He comes home and is awake and alert and involved in our family again. His memory is better than it has been in many, many years. I feel like I am finally getting the marriage I signed on for, nearly 25 years ago.
Yet, the intelligent side of me, or maybe just the self-preservation instinct, is prepared for the magic to wear off. I feel as though the pendulum will turn at any time and things will just go back to the way they were. I know that's not a healthy way to view things (and he doesn't know I feel this way) but I have to care about ME! I am hoping that this medication is just what he needed. That this miracle is what I get for holding on all along. The ADHD as you say, is without a doubt the demon. Not the body possessed by it....good point.
Wow... You are an
Submitted by McCleskey on
Wow... You are an incredibly loving and devoted wife. He has no idea how lucky he is to have you. You didn't mention how his kids feel about all of this. And do you know if either of them are ADD themselves? My son is, but my daughter isn't.
First of all, please don't feel guilty about your "view" on things. That is a normal response to their behavior. I have come to believe that marriage to an ADHD spouse just cannot ever really be "normal" or like other marriages. If you put your emotions on the line every time he appears to have recovered, you won't survive. I am happy for you that the meds are working. I would encourage you to support him in any behavior modification techniques that might break some old habits. But at the same time, I personally, the cynic here, would keep him at arms length until a substantial amount of time has passed.
I had always been a very honest person and was stunned with the ease in which my husband lied, and lied, and lied. I did not take the high road that you did. I did not know what ADHD WAS, and I remember telling him that if he didn't love me, I would find someone who did. I ended up, at year 12, having a five year affair with a man 17 years my senior. Never in a million years would I have believed that I was capable of such a thing. Both of our marriages ended in divorce, but neither my husband nor I could seem to get over our family splitting apart, so we remarried three years later. That was six years ago. I knew what I was getting into, but it was worth it, to me, to have the family back together. I just planned my life without him. I used exercise to get me through the frustration. I much preferred being at the gym or running to being at home while he slept or watched TV. (And this doesn't include the anti-depressants and Xanax and Ambien that I have to take daily...still.) I was living one day at a time, never thinking about the future. His disease (and no...I will never consider it OUR problem) has changed me. And my selfish personality has led me down paths that almost destroyed me. I wanted to leave so badly at times. My fear was that the unknown might possibly be worse than the known, and I was never willing to take that chance. It was not out of undying love for my husband. My husband is on meds now (for about a week) and is really making an effort. I guess my problem is that I know I will never feel the same way that I used to. It was too much for too long. It isn't there anymore. I won't leave or ask him to, but I wonder if I can really DO this for the rest of my life. When I get really down, I let myself dwell on the fact that I feel so cheated. He hasn't suffered like I did. I was a passionate, vibrant young wife. He cut me off at the knees. I'm very slowly making progress on my anger, but it will be years getting better, and that is only if HIS pendulum doesn't swing back very far. My husband rides his motorcycle to escape and relax. Two years ago I go my license and bought a Harley to give us at least one thing in common. I had to "get good" fast to keep up with him, but I did and now we ride as often as we can and actually enjoy it.
I don't know where my life is going. Right now I just try to be nice while I am around him, but I, at this point, cannot imagine trusting him or loving him like a wife should love her husband. I guess if you come right down to it, I am still living one day at a time. I'm actually kind of jealous that you can't "get over" your husband. I would just love to FEEL something for mine again. You GO GIRL!
Continued Chat
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Well, thank you, but I don't know if I am deserving of all your praise. Part of me thinks I was an idiot for holding on for so long. Especially when it seemed he would do anything and everything just to hurt me. It was very bad for a long time. I understand your pain, and your anger, I really, really do. I just always remained hopeful that the man (well boy actually) that I fell so hard for, was really in there somewhere. I am a Certified Medical Assistant, and with over 25 years in the medical field, I was suspecting Alzheimers, Early onset dementia, or even a brain tumor. I just couldn't believe he was truly as evil as his actions conveyed.
I have no reason to think either of my children have ADHD. (THANK GOD) Though perhaps if one of them had it, maybe my husband would have been diagnosed sooner. I wouldn't wish it on either of them though. Funny that you bring them up though. They can't stand him. In the past several years mostly, all they have seen is the pain he has brought my way, as well as the fact that though he was here physically, he was never really "here". His temper was horrendous as well. Never touched them, just ALOT of yelling, and a very, very short fuse.
I have always been a very honest person as well, and the depths my husband would go to to lie amazed me. It came easy for him as well...like breathing. Just like the old joke, "How do I know my husband is lying? His lips are moving"
I also can agree with you comment about the unknown being worse than the known. Maybe that was one of the many reasons I kept it together as well. As far as me straying, I never, ever did. Many times I would have LOVED to. Simply to make him hurt the way I did, but it's just not my nature.
What medication has he started and how are things going so far? Mine started Wellbutrin in July, and I don't think that did a damn thing, but it was a start. We finally decided he needed the major heavy duty stuff because, quite frankly, there was nothing left to lose. The day he took the first pill was like a miracle had happened. That was January 6th. Since then, the doctor did up him from 20mg to 25mg because he seemed to need a little more, as the day went on, and also he could take it a little earlier in the morning. Work was not really ever an issue, just his home life. He says that now that he takes it during work, he actually feels more focused, and better able to stay on task.....which is just an added bonus.
I am glad you have your "riding" to stay connected. We don't really have anything like that in common, but so far we are OK. I have trust issues as well. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him as a wife should trust her husband either, but we are taking things one day at a time. It took years and years to do all this damage, it could quite possibly take that long to fix it as well. Time will tell.
You have a friend here. One who understands you and all you have been through, as I have walked the same path.
2/3/12
Submitted by McCleskey on
NJTWINMOM,
My 27th anniversary was yesterday. Yes...GROUND HOG DAY. There was a nice card and flowers in the bathroom when I woke up. I did appreciate that. I am having a hard time distinguishing between what is "normal" for a couple who has been married for so long, and an ADD couple. We are so blah. We decided to celebrate tonight by going to the movie. We both love going to the movie. I find it funny that the things we love to do together require NO interaction whatsoever! When we ride we don't talk. When we go to a movie we don't talk. We are together, but enjoying the situation completely apart. To add to all of that, I have worked very hard to stay in shape and stay looking as good as possible. I am exactly the same size as I was 30 years ago when we met. My hunk of a boyfriend has not. He is six years older than I, and the physical attraction has just died. Of course, that could also be because I am still so angry about things that have happened in the past. Are there any husbands out there that still pay attention to their wives after 27 years? I could have another 30 years to live! He, most likely, will not as his father died in his middle 70's and men in general die younger, but I'm so tired of feeling unloved and ignored. AND, now that I know that most of this is because of his ADD, I have really given up any hope of things changing. It's like...this is your life. Deal with it. Do you have any thoughts that might get me out of this rut?
2/3/12 reply
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
A card and flowers is a wonderful start. Hope you pick a good movie and enjoy yourselves. Baby steps.
I am envious that you are in such great physical shape. I should have done what you did, and taken out my frustration and anger at the gym. Instead, I turned to food and vegetation. I had twins( 7 pound daughter and 7-9 son) 56" belly the night before they were delivered, a c section and a few years ago a hysterectomy. MY ABS are shot, and I am considerably overweight. My husband was in pretty good shape until the last few year, but he has since gained quite a bit. I feel self conscious, though he has NEVER made me feel any less. His weight gain is noticeable, but only is an issue to me because of health issues in the future. I still see the goofy cute boy of 15 I fell for some 34 years ago. He claims the same, but I know he would love for me to be in better shape.
My husband has NEVER not wanted physical intimacy, he has never ceased chasing me in that way from the day we met. It was I, who put the brakes on from all the pain, and years of being ignored.
You have alot of work to do if you are calculating the possibility of when your husband may pass away.....Maybe it is time to move on, and make yourself happy. Goodness knows, we wives of the ADHD men deserve happiness, peace ad contentment. PLUS, a happier Mom, makes things better for the children. I don't recall you saying their ages.
Back to NJTWINMOM
Submitted by McCleskey on
My son is 25, but also ADD, and he is living with us after being a Marine for four years. My daughter is 22 and about to graduate from college. I realized early on in my marriage that the ONLY thing that really made me feel better was running, and running fast when I was mad, upset, or hurt. And my husband used to believe, and tried to make ME believe, that my "overreacting" was the cause for most of our problems. When I get extremely upset, I cannot eat. I actually ended up in the hospital during our divorce because my weight dropped so low and my heart started beating erratically. I am 5'8" and normally weigh around 130 lbs. I dropped to 117 during the divorce. I looked like walking death. My coworkers thought I had AIDS or cancer. I have run/jogged since I was 20, but honestly never really enjoyed it until I realized that is was saving my sanity. In the winter, I go to the gym and "run" for 50 minutes on the elliptical because it is so calming for me. My husband went from a very muscled 180 to a very flabby 260 in the past 10 years. If you add the intense anger, the bad treatment, and the weight gain all together (plus I am going through menopause right now) you have a combination that runs from any kind of sexual encounter. He does still approach me, but I just...can't. He did go on a diet and lose down to 225 lbs, but it just isn't enough. Most days I would love to leave and start my life over, but I don't make enough money and my children would be extremely upset and I guess the main reason is that I feel sorry for my husband. He didn't ask for this awful disease. I am trapped in this world and unless something happens, I will remain trapped.
I understand how twins can really mess up a woman's body. Your twins were HUGE!!! And most women do exactly what you have done to comfort themselves, so don't ever beat yourself up. My mother was always extremely athletic, so it was easy for me to go that same direction. When you have a really bad day, try going for a walk and see if it helps to clear your head. When I get upset, I go for a run and by the time I get back I am calm and thinking about what I need to do for ME to get over whatever has happened that upset me i the first place. I talk to God a lot when I run also. And, like we all do, I live day by day. But when I DO think about my future...I am not in this relationship.
This may be too personal for you, and that is OK, but do you have sex much at all now? I just can't and I always worry that not doing so may be damaging the marriage even further. Just so you know...you sound like a very sweet and loving person. I would like you! :-)
Back to McClesky
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Yes, I did have some BIG babies. I'm 5'9 and my husband is 6'1. We assumed they would be decent sized, but as I worked for my OB/GYN, I knew twins tended to be smaller than singletons.....BOY were we pleasantly surprised. At every visit, they were always in the 95th percentile OR off the charts (height wise). My daughter is now 5'10 and my son an awesome 6'6. I feel like such a shrimp in the house, which is something someone my height really isn't accustomed to...lol.
OK, you asked it, you got it. Sex was always amazing for us. We just "belonged together"....through the years of pain, and hurt, I shut down. Not that I didn't WANT it, just not with the person he had become. He never stopped looking though, until maybe the last few years. Sex was maybe 0-5 times a YEAR there for far too long. I just could not be intimate with someone who was causing me so much pain.
Menopause here too. Total hysterectomy June 14, 2007. No mood issues <well who could tell...at the time I was living with an insane husband> just the HOT FLASHES....more like internal infernos. They were rough for about 2 years, but now they are gone. No hot flashes, no PMS, no monthly visits, ALL SYSTEMS GO!!!!!!! :)
Since he has moved back into our home, just before the holidays, we became a little closer. No sex, but at least I didn't throw up a little when he hugged me, stroked my arm etc.
Since he has started his medication, and as I told you, the results were instantaneous, we are in a very, very, very good place ;) <4-5 times a week>. I realize that this time, should things go back to their old ways, it will be all over for us, and by loving sooo much, and with such intensity, it will be that much more devastating. It will be no matter what, who am I kidding.. so therefore, I am choosing to love with all I have. Amazing what a man will do <vacuum, fold the laundry> when he's happy in THAT department..LOL I notice I have a bit more skip in my step as well.
I like you too....sight unseen....we are connected for certain.
More than 4 - 5 times a week!?!?!?!
Submitted by McCleskey on
Now I am laughing!! I am sincerely off the charts happy for you guys. It sounds like the giddy-up is back in his getalong! (You may have to be from Texas to really understand this! LOL.) I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and I am confident that he will want things to continue on this path as well, and will do whatever is necessary to make that happen. Ok...you may have convinced me that there can be a happy ending to all of this. If the drugs worked that well that quickly for him, there really is no reason to believe that they will stop. This made me smile. Thanks for sharing.
Glad you are happy.....we are too ;)
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
One thing you will learn about me, is that all you will get is the truth. Had you spoken with me just ONE MONTH sooner, it would have been more like...he is a &%($#, and I can't #&%#ing stand his sorry #@(!%. Seriously. Like I said, I pray it lasts....well maybe not the 4-5 times a week but 2 would be a nice even number....
I tend to be the same
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I tend to be the same way...if I am getting what I need (which, after all of these years has been whittled away to the bare minimum) then I am more than willing to put it all out there and give everything I have to give. When I get nothing, like now, then I really feel I have nothing to give. I think you are doing the right thing by just throwing yourself into it and taking the chance on love again. If, in the end, you get hurt you can at least say you give it your all and didn't hold onto the anger, bitterness, and all of the past hurts...and that is truly something to be proud of. It is not easy to 'trust' them with your heart again...I know...but be proud that you can be that kind of person, after everything, and deal with the future one day at a time.
Was this for me?
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I'm thinking this was directed toward me???
I'm glad to hear that you also are like me, and just keep "plugging along" and looking for the happiness that once was. Thanks for the verbal pat on the back. I do hope it lasts/works. i do hope I am doing the right thing, and I hope things get better for ALL OF US!
NJTWINMOM
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Yes..it was to you... :-)
McCleskey, It is remarkable
Submitted by newfdogswife on
McCleskey,
It is remarkable how my thoughts resemble your's so closely. Husband diagnosed with ADHD approximately 5 years ago. Been married 30 years. How or Why, only GOD knows!!!!! He sees a psychiatrist for his meds and also struggles with bouts of anxiety and depression. Though I remain here supporting my husband through it all, for some reason that I may never understand, I believe I have learned to keep him at arms length practically our whole marriage as nothing ever seems to stick. I can tell you, my arms are finally tired of being extended for so long!!!! I, too, have had to plan my life without him which hurt our relationship in the same manner so far as trust and love is concerned. I long for the FEEL for something as well.
newfdogswife
Submitted by McCleskey on
After reading all of this, I think they are all evil CLONES from another planet! Some days I can laugh about it, others not so much. I think we should start a wives club and meet somewhere for a party. We all seem to have exactly the same problems with our husbands. Mine doesn't have much of a temper, but the cold shoulder can be just as bad. So what do we do ladies? Just sit back and waste the rest of our lives? There HAS to be a better plan.
Evil
Submitted by YYZ on
I always joke about being "Evil", but never really thought I was a "Clone" ;)
I'm Far too unique for there to be a bunch of Me's running around, like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity ;)
What could I do to get the "Force Fields" dropped? I accept my ADD, I have owned my past mistakes, I take my meds, I continue to offer to go to family therapy, I read and post here like crazy, I remember better than ever, I do LOTS of housework (Always did), I finish big projects, I work, I split time off / making and taking doc appointments for the kids, I help her family members with projects and fix their computers, I tell my DW she is beautiful, I kiss her goodbye every morning, I email during the day, take her to lunch during the week, ask her for couples night, listen to her, stay off my pc/phone/tablet when she is with me, I don't drink, I don't go out with friends, I communicate where I could not before, I never yell at her / call names / blame / certainly Never been physical with her or the kids. I do Yell at the dogs... I don't sneaky spend anymore, if I do buy something for me it's less than $100 for sure and I ship it to the house in plain site, I don't go to lunch with people she would be uncomfortable about, if she asks what I did for lunch I tell her, I don't forget important days, I am less oblivious and try to do before being asked, I do not ask for acknowledgment for every task I do, if she sees it and says something that is great, if not I feel good doing it anyway, I am doing things better...
Yet I don't feel like she trusts much of anything and wonder if she ever will. I rarely feel like she is relaxed anymore, especially when it should be time to relax like the weekends. We could have a good week and I sense a little lowering of the shields, then the weekend gets here and something can quickly trigger a rise in shield level. This has recurred so many times that it's repetition is depressing. I was oblivious to her in many ways before and maybe never noticed these changes, now I see them and it is hard not to think that another weekend is blown. I just hope that one weekend things will start to feel relaxed again.
Still hopeful...
You sound nearly perfect to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You sound nearly perfect to me. Is it possible that your wife is struggling with psychological or emotional issues of her own, separate from your ADHD? I'm a worrier and somewhat prone to depression; those things were exacerbated by my husband's ADHD but they certainly existed separately from it and have caused struggles for me throughout my life. Sometimes it's hard for people to admit that they have "issues" and they find it easier to look to the other person as the cause.
Very aware...
Submitted by YYZ on
Balance was the original key to our relationship. I was the Super-Laid Back guy to her Worry about EVERYTHING Pleaser personality.
We both had very abusive step-dad's in common as well. Part of her anger is due to how long she has dealt with her anxiety, depression and anger issues. I was someone she never had to worry about and now that security is gone, trust was broken and "I" get the disorder that give me an excuse, PLUS the meds give immediate results and my only side affects are Weight Loss. THIS was are main alignment as a couple. We Always struggled with our weight. I know I can't fix her, so I work on myself and hope that better actions on my part will eventually replace the old expected behaviors with an improved perception of how I will respond to things.
All of my studies have given me more insight to her situation and I always try to keep this in mind.
To YYZ
Submitted by McCleskey on
Do you REALLY do all the things you say here? And if you do, how LONG have you been doing this? It takes a very long time for us to get over all the stuff that happened BEFORE you "accept your ADD." If it has only been a couple of months, you should really expect it to take years. I certainly don't want to bring you down or discourage you from trying, but she is wounded and doesn't want to be again. In my case, I had things outside of my marriage to keep me happy, and I was just sick and tired of dealing with my husband at all. I had working out, friends at the gym, friends at work. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. I got to the point where I preferred that he not talk to me at all. Life was much easier if he did his thing and I did mine. I stayed gone as much as possible and did not speak when I walked into the house. Can you believe I preferred that? I don't think that you realize how much damage you did to her. How much you hurt her. All of that said, I am confident that if you continue your current path that the freeze will thaw and she will very slowly begin to respond, but don't kid yourself about the amount of time it will take.
In his defense, YYZ is one of
Submitted by SherriW13 on
In his defense, YYZ is one of the 'good guys' here. He's been working at this for at least 2 years now. Also, his wife didn't feel there was any real need for change (him to take meds, get counseling, etc) and seems to have come to resent him because he had the pleasant side effect of losing weight when he started the meds. Half the time she doesn't seem to really believe ADD is a valid disorder, it would seem. His problems is unique in that he cannot get his wife to believe he has ADHD or needed to change. Seems she was content with things as they were before he was driven to get a diagnosis due to some overwhelming anxiety he had been experiencing. I know YYZ can defend himself, but until he gets here to do so...just thought I'd fill in a few blanks.
Thanks
Submitted by McCleskey on
Sherri,
Obviously I am quick to jump to defend the woman when I don't know all the facts. Forgive me for that. All I can say is if he is really like that, I would like to "clone" him for myself! And as much as we all are alike with some of our circumstances, we are not identical.
You and TWINNJMOM are very fortunate in the fact that you can forgive quickly and love your husbands again. I am not like that now. I was, but too much has happened. I wonder daily what my future holds. I don't want to feel like I wasted my life with this when I am on my deathbed. Maybe my expectations for marriage in general are too high. Who knows. I know that my husband is trying, but I am pretty much numb to it. I see it, but I just can't feel it.
Forgive quickly?
Submitted by SherriW13 on
LOL Not sure how I gave that impression...I feel I am more bitter everyday, and I don't like it. I have forgiven my husband a billion times (only exaggerating a smidge). I have poured myself into my marriage, sought out counselor after counselor for us, cried, talked, yelled, fussed, cussed, ranted...and gone silent. Stopped fighting with him. Shoved him off of the cliff and let him choose his own way and his own path...since Sept. He drinks more now than ever, he rejects all invitations to do anything together as a couple/family, he lies to avoid inviting me to social gatherings, and he only comes out of the den when he wants sex. I know my expectations aren't too high...hell, at this point I would welcome anything!! He isn't trying in any way other than he, too, laid down his anger and stopped fighting with me when I detached and took myself out of his life as best as I could. I don't know about you, but I'm just tired. Tired of being tired...and alone. Tired of whining/ranting about the same old $h!t. Just want to move on with my life...and I certainly don't like the idea of staying married to him but making a life for myself that does not include him. I would rather be alone.
So...
Submitted by McCleskey on
Ok. So what do we do now? Are you kids grown? Can you live off what you make? Will you feel guilty if you leave him and break up the family? As I ask these questions I am getting angry because WE have to take all the blame!! I doubt that he would leave. YOU would have to leave, with probably not much, and start all over. Does this make you mad? Are these our only options? I'm tired too Sherri. At least one of this group is having wild, crazy monkey sex with her husband. I'm so jealous. She is one of the fortunate ones.
You almost made me laugh out loud (CMS)
Submitted by YYZ on
All the "What's" over-whelm me when I run through the possibilities... Yuck...
My DW and I had a CMS period for about 4 or 5 months, then it died. We were a Cat's Whisker away from divorce and having CMS, go figure. Now it's almost as bad as it was before the diagnosis.
She/He are fortunate indeed.
I don't know what to do
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I don't know what to do next...all I know is that I am where I need to be, for now. My kids are 19 (severely autistic, son) and 13 (the daughter we share). I do not work, have only worked a little here and there during the past 15 years we've been together. I am 43 and went back to finish college 2 years ago...will graduate in May and am trying to decide if I want to get a 4-year degree or dive back into work. LOTS to consider with my son being disabled and arranging things for him. It makes me physically ill thinking of leaving him with someone. My husband's employment has become more and more sketchy over the course of the last 2-3 years and I am extremely stressed the majority of the time that he's going to lose his job. I posted recently how this was the ONE THING I truly thought I would never, ever have to worry about...but since the diagnosis it just seems that he's gone so far downhill that it is terrifying to me. He actually just recently told me that he would never put 100% into his job because he hates his job and that was just "how he is" and how he had always been. An issue will arise (he's over the IT department for our city) and he says "see why I hate my job?" and I actually do NOT see why the issue is THAT big of a deal...but he sees it as just one more reason to act like everything is the end of the world. I'm not saying he isn't entitled to his own feelings or that he has no right to be affected by things differently than I am...please don't get me wrong...but when you hear day in and day out how much he hates his job, when you see him laying in bed until noon when he is supposed to work 8-5, when you see him come home at 2 p.m., when you see him miss 2 days a week every.single.week, then a few heated e-mails about an IT decision he makes really does not, in my mind, justify his hating his job so much that he gives it a 20% effort, ya know? What terrifies me the most is he actually also recently said "you're just mad because I get away with it" (Missing so much work) and I told him "no, I am terrified that you TRULY believe that and that it is NOT true...that you're about to get fired."
There has always been a part of me that would feel guilty for leaving him...not breaking up the family, so to speak, we've all...VERY sadly...gotten used to not having him be a part of our lives so it wouldn't be much different...but the guilt would come from knowing how much he depends on me emotionally. Although, to be honest, sometimes I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that he would really prefer to be relieved of his responsibilities...his actions make me feel this way.
He doesn't really make me take all of the blame, he just refuses to give me the things I need...such as him to get clean and sober and stay that way, for him to get back into church with me and put God back into our marriage, for him to engage his family and just simply be a part of our lives like he used to. For about the first 5 years of our marriage we fought a lot over his inattention. He finally got a job making a lot more money and suddenly we were a family...vacations, spent time together on the weekends, ate meals together, etc. He lost that job, blew through 2 more (that paid the same amount), and then was unemployed for 6 weeks in the summer of 09. He ended up taking the job he has now (local) and along with it came a 50% pay cut. He has not been the same person since...and I believe it is tied directly to some kind of shame he feels for our financial struggles (we have the same bills, but 50% less income) but yet, in true ADHD fashion, he does nothing about it AND complains constantly about how miserable he is at his job. He's EXTREMELY intelligent...he truly is unique in his abilities...but as long as his ADHD remains untreated, he will always lack the motivation or ability to put to use the gifts God has given him.
It makes me more sad than mad...just very, very sad. He really did used to be my best friend and now I honestly don't even know who he is anymore. We went from being a couple who loved going out together to him lying to me and telling me spouses weren't invited to the mayor's cookout this past summer to keep me from going. I have HUGE issues being with someone who would go to such lengths to avoid having me around his friends/co-workers. Makes him look very guilty...trying to hide something..to me.
I don't know what our options are...for now, I am trying to work on ME...getting myself in a good place emotionally so that if/when the time comes that I do decide to end my marriage, it will be as easy for me and my kids (emotionally, financially) as humanly possible. All the while still praying for that miracle.
Who you calling a monkey????? LOL
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
You asked the question. I gave you an honest answer that that is what is going on right now, past 2-3 weeks. This week was only 3 times, if you must know....LOL
I do feel very, very fortunate right now. I did NOT want to lose my marriage, my family....all I have worked so hard to hold on to for MANY, MANY, MANY very miserable years.
I can not say all is forgiven, and certainy NOT FORGOTTEN!!!! I just know that right now, we are in a last ditch effort to save a very (34 year) relationship. I told you there are still trust issues in my head and heart that I will have to deal with IF they arise, and I know all of what we have, all this GOOD will just be thrown away. I felt JUST AS YOU DO, such a short time ago. I hope this is the "cure" but only time will tell.
Crazy monkey sex???? LMAO you silly, silly girl, you!!!!!!
The one thing that gives me
Submitted by SherriW13 on
The one thing that gives me hope for you is that his changes started when he started medication. It seems he is one of the 'lucky' ones who medication must have helped make him more aware and helped make 'more normal' (for lack of a better word) the parts of his brain that have been asleep for so long. I have seen these changes in my husband too...like he finally 'got it' and wanted to give me everything I had ever wanted. But, in the end they were simply hyperfocus and what HE needed at the time...it wasn't being done for my benefit. For ex: when he finally came clean about his affair and wanted to come home (in Dec 2009..we had been separated for 2+ months), he was willing to do almost anything to save our marriage. What I didn't realize at the time (he was still undiagnosed) is that it was for HIS own benefit and security. Once he felt secure again...I got left in the dust...and yes, it was devastating because I truly felt we had turned a glorious corner. I fell in love with him all over again, in ways I never dreamed I could ever feel again. Go back and read my posts from when I first joined here...things were so very different. In all fairness, he started medications in Oct 2010 (diagnosed in June 2010) and he went from asking me to renew our vows to literally being hostile and aggressive in a matter of days. Talk about devastating. :-(
As I told one poster here just recently...the difference between "can we have some semblance of happiness in this marriage" and "this marriage is miserable and needs to end NOW" is the willingness of both people to work hard at minimizing the affects ADHD has. Yes, we non's have work to do too...but ultimately the treatment part falls on the shoulders of the one with ADHD and acknowledging its affects on those they love and doing what it takes to control as much of that as possible is the key. Your husband is willing to take meds, seems to have responded well right out of the gate, and hopefully will continue to feel well enough that he will want to continue the meds. After my experiences, I would find a lot of comfort in that alone. Regardless, you cannot live everyday as if the sky is going to fall...just enjoy it and give yourself 100%...love him, and show him, to the point that it feels uncomfortable for you and then you'll know you're doing it right. Support him 100% as he makes any (no matter how small) effort to improve your lives. Let him know you're thankful for any progress you see. I admit I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, even when things were 1000 times better than they had been in years, and the other shoe did drop...further than I ever imagined possible...because he gave up on treatment, has decided he has everything under control, and is drinking far too much, every single day...HORRIBLE for someone with ADHD. Horrible.
Oh Sherri (LOL)
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
YES, I have been reading your posts for awhile. I came to the board in maybe June, though never posted for a long while. I was here right before I went to Melissa's "class" in Chautauqua, NY last July.
You and I seem more the same, in that we are so willing to love and have things be right, that we do just jump in full force, and hope and strive for the absolute best.
My husband never had issue with alcohol. Maybe because I am simply blessed, or maybe because I have been able to keep "tight reigns" on him about the things he does. (Exception being other women). He has never spent money excessively, gambled, been without work, any of the things that many of the ADHD men here seem to do. Our issues have been emotional disconnect, distractiveness, short fuse HOT temper, horribly bad memory, displacement of blame as he was never able to "man up" and admit his own shortcomings, and being very inappropriate at times (due to lack of running things through his head first before spitting them out) and impulsivity.
I must have come across wrong at some point in something I said, because I am giving my ALL. 110% to be exact. I am doing all the "little things" again or him, I am not jumping at him if there is an issue, but letting him explain, maybe reprocess what he has said if need be, I am rooting for him.....FOR US.....but I cannot help but know where I have been, and you have been as well. There is a part inside that has a list of deal breakers (he knows what they are), and if they occur, we will end this marriage, as I need to live out the remainder of my days in good mental health. Life is too short, and I have two children who need a Mother that is there for them physically as well as mentally, and if I am not healthy in that department, I will be of no good to them, and will have failed them.
Not waiting or looking for the shoe to drop, just somewhere inside, I am a TAD more mentally prepared, that should things change, I will know I have gone above and beyond and it's not my fault, not meant to be, and I can exit once and for all with a clear conscience. Do I make more sense now, Sherri? I really am a very honest (too much sometimes), straightforward person, and due to all the years with an ADHD spouse, I LIVE TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
Nice talking to you. Hope today is a good day :)
Yes, I do get the impression
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Yes, I do get the impression you are enjoying (and participating in) the way things are now and that you're giving all you've got. This was just my "pep talk" "keep up the good work" speech. LOL
Sherri
Thanks
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Thanks Sherri
When the going gets tough (if it does)...I will have a mental picture of you with your uniform and pom poms cheering me on!!! Thanks :)
McCleskey, Don't feel bad.
Submitted by newfdogswife on
McCleskey,
Don't feel bad. I'm in the same boat as you. While I have been able to forgive my husband for many of his bad decisions and behaviors, I still have a really hard time forgetting. I think that is what is holding me back on fully loving him the same way again. I do know that my husband is trying, too, but I remain numb as well. I am gun shy, nothing ever sticks.
Forgiving vs Forgetting
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Two totally different things, forgiving and forgetting. Though they "should", in a perfect world, do together, THEY DO NOT.
I have forgiven my husbands actions and transgressions, for now, as they appear to all have stemmed from this long untreated brain disorder.
Forgetting, now that's an entirely different thing. Should things remain this good for us, one could only hope that as the years go on, I will forget alot of it, but sadly, so much has transpired, I can't see that happening :(
Wishing you better days ahead.
Diagnosed in May 2009
Submitted by YYZ on
I was rattling things off the top of my head and I do those things. If I embellish the truth here I won't learn much :)
I've posted all over the place here and the Roller Coaster continues. The odd thing is my DW liked me before we knew about the ADD and doesn't really think it was/is part of our problems. I bought Gina Pera's book "Is it you, me or adult ADD" and she showed no sign of wanting to read it. I've told her about this site and I don't think she has ever browsed to it. We had a family therapy session with her psychologist (12 years of and on) who recognized my ADD and talked of its affects on our marriage. We set a goal to end a friendship of mine with a female ex-coworker (Never physical, but I turned to her for advise and broke my DW's trust in me) I beat the deadline by 2 months and my DW and I worded the email together and sent it at a specific time/day and copied her on all the responses. Done... We had the follow up with her Psychologist and told her the news and everything "Seemed" on the right track.
Since then, there have been many ups and downs... I think she does not really believes ADD is much more than my easy way out. I get the pill that fixes my brain and made me lose weight. She gets the pill that causes low sex drive and weight gain. I know it's not fair... I have been working hard since May of 2009 and will continue to do so. Gardener447 told me I've hit the wall and this seems to be true, so I still here putting my thoughts on paper, so to speak, and picking the brains of anyone who responds to my rambles.
Thanks, by the way :)
I tend to agree
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
As I have said in other posts, since the medication my husband has been wonderful....All the things YYZ says/does, and then some, but it will take a long, long, long time to get the confusion, pain, heartache, mistrust and every other issue out of our relationship. People always ask Dr Phil how long they need to do these things before the recipient forgives and forgets? How long do they have to be nice and caring and honest? His reply is always "As long as it takes". That's true...as long as it takes.
I agree with you
Submitted by lynnie70 on
My husband lives in a separate universe and could have written this all himself and actually believed it. The biggest problem was that the things he did "for ME" were in reality the things he wanted me to do for HIM (and preferably within the next 10 minutes....). I didn't WANT a kiss when he came in the door (followed by a feelie or grope if there was no resistance), I wanted help cooking or cleaning up after the dinner. And he pouted if his concern didn't result in something for him pretty quick, which XYZ hints at toward the end -- after all, he will keep trying. Until what? Until you manipulate her into doing what you want from her? I would be really interested in hearing her point of view (from HER, not from him). If it is like mine, she is probably tired of him jumping in on her friends, therapists, family, and making himself out to be such a wonderful, long-suffering (although a bit whiney) mate while she is unforgiving and just can't let the past be. My ex's favorite plea was for a "clean slate" almost every day. Gee, why was I always so unforgiving???? Sorry to be so bitter, but my man was such a liar and could whine his way into everyone else's heart while never telling ME how incredibly sorry he was.
YYZ, Yes, you ARE doing great
Submitted by newfdogswife on
YYZ,
Yes, you ARE doing great and I, too, am proud of you. I wish some of us could Clone you so you could come to our homes and be the example of what we long for our husbands to be. I think that is what I get so frustrated about with my husband. It's nothing hard just good ole everyday life but my husband continues to fight against it.
Thanks :)
Submitted by YYZ on
I Really appreciate the "POB" ;)
I will commence with Cloning as soon as my laboratory inside the volcano is complete ;)
McCleskey, LOL!!!! My
Submitted by newfdogswife on
McCleskey,
LOL!!!! My husband has joked before about cloning himself. I just told him "No Way, Jose'"!!!!!!!
A club would be great. That would really put my husband over the edge as he already wonders what is being discussed on the web site.
I kinda liked what you said in one of your other posts. That you plan your life without him. Not the scenerio you hoped for but at least I feel you are taking steps to enjoy YOUR life.
I'm glad we can laugh about this!
Submitted by McCleskey on
Certainly not what I wanted or dreamed of, but it keeps me fairly happy. My husband used to say that I was old before my time and the HE was still young at heart like a 16-year-old. How right he was. Anyone can get on this site right? I should have used a more secretive name! I'm out of here for the weekend. Hugs and kisses to all of you wonderful people. You are turning into my life boat.
Marry him?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am amazed at the strength that my marriage has - in part because my husband and I got through the ADHD issues together. You are finding out about the ADHD at a different point than we did...and so there is real benefit to that. You love this man - and because you love him, it makes sense to stick by him while he starts to address the concept that he has ADHD. That he is going to the doctor is great - and it will take a bit of time to find a med that works and also get going on fixing problem behaviors in your relationship. You can support him in that by being patient for a while. You will want to find ways to talk about his ADHD, be open about everyone's feelings about this "intruder" into the relationship you thought you had (i.e. one that was perfect, perhaps, and also without ADHD). Don't get married unless you genuinely feel that you can work out any problem together (and you're not there right now, obviously!) As this experience is showing you, you can't predict the future nor what life will throw you. The most successful couples are those who have the tools in their relationship tool kit to take on whatever life throws at them. The process of working out this really big one may be exactly what you need to know that you can make it, and head into marriage as a stronger (less naive) couple.
My opinion is this...if
Submitted by SherriW13 on
My opinion is this...if you're with someone who has ADHD that is not the 'problem' that will make or break your marriage. The issue comes with being with someone who has ADHD and is not aware of/refuses to admit the issues that it causes. The key to success in ANY relationship is each person acknowledging their 'baggage' and doing everything possible to minimize the affect it has on the relationship. Knowing about the ADHD before you are married definitely gives you the upper hand....many of us spent years having no clue why our husbands did the (seemingly) selfish, hurtful, and destructive things they did. We internalized it and took it personally. We became bitter and angry. We stood stunned as the behaviors repeated themselves over and over and over again...each time being told exactly what we wanted to hear to have it end up meaning nothing in the end.
You know...he is willing to get help...that's a start. Don't rush to marry him. Give him at least 2-3 years to get his treatment started, tweaked, and managed as best as he possibly can. Don't assume responsibility for any of it. There are men and women here with ADHD who CARE about managing it, who CARE about how it affects the ones who love them/who they love, and they take the initiative to do something about it. That, in my opinion, would be the difference as to whether I would marry him or not. If he isn't serious about treatment, is inconsistent with it, stops seeking treatment, and/or stops holding himself accountable then you can pretty much assume you will have a marriage that is completely inconsistent and unpredictable. It is vital that you support him but don't PUSH him in his treatment. He has to WANT it or it won't last and will mean nothing in the long run.
Just my two-cents.
This is what I would like to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This is what I would like to say but didn't have the words for. Exactly, SherriW13!
Your comment "We stood
Submitted by McCleskey on
Your comment "We stood stunned as the behaviors repeated themselves over and over and over again...each time being told exactly what we wanted to hear to have it end up meaning nothing in the end." is the most accurate picture of ME that I have ever read. When I think about all the years that I put up with his emotional abuse, I can turn stone cold in a matter of seconds. I have found a very comfortable place in my head that does not include him. And even though I am trying really hard not to, it is so, so easy to go there. I think after years and years of self-protection, you just don't really want to take a chance. I have a very strict schedule during the week. I work, go home, change clothes and go to the gym. Working out is my stress reducer and it saves me. I have a lot of friends at the gym, and can easily find myself talking in the locker room for 45 min to an hour. I get home about 6:30 - 7:00, take a shower, then eat, then read, then go to bed. I am very happy this way. The only time we really spend together is on the weekends. If he acts like a jerk, I make my own plans and leave him at home. I won't leave because I am not willing to be poor and start all over again. I'm MAD, and I don't see it going away for a long, long time. There is no quick fix to this. He will never be my whole life again. I don't trust him with my feelings and I have learned to be my OWN best friend. I was an extremely sensitive, loving wife at 26. At 53 I am a completely different person. Get tough and take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it for you.
I will gladly
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I will gladly second your two-cents!!!!!
That is truely the key to success.
in between
Submitted by LibbyLou on
I guess I'm the someone in between. We're not so new, and not so old (not calling you ladies old...just long relationships :). We've been together 7, married a year and a half, but lived basically a married life the last 6. And, I think I'm in between in my thinking too.
When I read the first reply to Ashley about not getting married, my jaw almost dropped, and I imagined hers almost did too...mostly because the rest of the world isn't as tell-it-like-it-is as this site is. Leave a guy just for being ADHD? Would you leave him just for having any other disability? I thought through those parts. But, also because it seems so sad. Here's the thing...even as I thought about all that, I've got to say, there was a bigger part of me cheerleading the veteran wives saying, "RUN!" (not quite, but you get it). I don't disagree. It's hard...really, really hard.
My husband and I both have ADHD, and I'd say for the most part, I play the non-ADHD role. And, I have quite a bit of behavioral experience in my profession. It's still, it's really, really hard. As hard as you think it'd be to leave him, the emptiness you know you'd feel, it's even harder sometimes to be married. I think I've found a lot more empty times sticking it out, because each time the focus goes away, there's a whole lot of empty waiting for it to come back around. I am not saying it's not worth it, I'm more saying, "Buyer Beware."
One word to the wise that I wish I had taken myself...give yourself a lot of time for each new development in your path...marriage, house, new jobs, kids...even a new car. The speed at which you might take in, process, or synthesize new and old information, won't be the same as your ADHD spouse...Sometimes you'll move faster, sometimes he will. But, he might not see the difference the way you do. So, prepare yourself a bit with that. I think that the space to let things settle in is a good cushion.
Another tip: don't start nagging. Flip to the back of the book. Read about the index cards. Buy a pack of index cards. Use them. Especially if you live together, but even if you don't.
And, best of luck.