I feel completely bashed verbally after last night.  I really tried to listen and hear without becoming defensive when my ADHD husband began to recount all of my failures of the past year.  I in fact did not defend myself, which may be why I feel so beat up this morning.  I apologized - yet again - for ways that my behavior had been emasculating in the past year.  He has only been actually diagnosed for about six months - we have been married for nearly 30 years.  I tried to explain as best I could that we could not just break patterns that had gone on between us 30 years overnight - that it would take time.  But it seems like now all of the resentment and anger he has had  toward me is coming out and is being expressed in ways that are wounding and destructive.  

I already feel like such a huge failure as a wife, but I guess that isn't enough for him.  I now feel like he is going to punish me with his anger and reminders of my failures.  I vacillate between thinking, oh well, I deserve it and indignation that he does not seem to be taking responsibility to get the ADHD treated.  He has tried meds and says they seem to be helping him work-wise, but it is almost as if he thinks the meds will fix things so we do not have to do anything else.  We tried one therapist but because the therapist would not let him continuously interrupt, he decided that the guy didn't have the whole picture and we have not been back.  

He wanted CBT for his ADHD, and thought I should be involved, so that's why he initiated therapy.  But when it went differently than he thought it would,  and  the therapist validated my feelings (without taking sides) he wanted none of it.

Last night, he again reminded me of our 20-year struggle with our sexual relationship (which of course is all my fault too).  That was in the same sentence where he informed me that he is more closed off to me than he has ever been in our marriage and he is scared by that.  Okay, so let me see if I am understanding this right.  He is saying, "I am closed off to you - I have a wall up to you - but I need sex from you to connect with you."  Really?  Then he accusingly says 'you just don't get it.'  He's right!  

The only positive thing I can say is that for once I did not walk away feeling like I had handled that encounter wrong, probably because I've been devouring the ADHD Effect on Marriage, so I am really endeavoring to separate the man from the 'disorder.'

I guess all I am really feeling now is just sad.  I know that ultimately the ball is in his court in many ways because he is the only one who can truly take control of the ADHD.  And I'm just not sure he can quit blaming me long enough to do that.

Guess I just need some encouragement.

Runner