Only I'm asking it after 24 years of marriage and two years of couples therapy.  Only in the past week, have I come to a definitive answer on this question: "No, not at this time. I can no longer stay in this relationship."  This past week, a couple of incidents and a long discussion with my husband really brought this point home.

The first was last Monday.  I am a college writing instructor.  In order to finish reading and return my students' essays before I left for a conference, I stayed up until 5:30 a.m. that morning but had to be at school by 9 a.m. That morning, my husband and I discussed how I was able to only sleep for 1.5 hours.  Unfortunately, after a long day of teaching and preparing for the conference (and practically no food) I went to bed at 10:00 p.m.  My husband came home around 10:30 and started asking questions of a sleeping me.  Clearly startled, I woke up, answered his question about how my day went, and attempted to go back to sleep.  Less than 5 minutes later, he was back and asking another routine question.  Again startled from sleep, I tried to keep my promise of not getting angry and giving him a chance "to work things out" before I said anything.  After the third "wake-up call," I firmly but politely said, "I know we haven't had a chance to talk today, but I'm so tired it hurts.  Please leave me alone; I need to go to sleep now."  Sadly, 5 minutes later, my husband decided it was overwhelmingly urgent that he ask if I wanted to give the dogs a rawhide chew before I left town.  I said, "No, thank you.  I appreciate you thinking of me because it's something fun to do, but it's your assigned night to do that task and I just really need to sleep." He then proceeded to apologize four times.   Despite all that, he seriously tried talking to me one other time that night before he fell asleep on the couch.

When I returned from the conference on Friday, I was again exhausted.  I had just driven 4 hours through blinding snow storms and had yet to prepare and post lessons for my online students.  Admittedly, I was too exhausted to be greatly enthusiastic  about seeing him or my dogs again.  I could barely stay awake.  After a brief conversation, I excused myself and said, "I really need to take an hour's nap or so before I can even think about anything, esp. what I need to do for class."  At that point, I got the "let me follow you around the house and talk your head off" treatment.  I again managed to excuse myself, shut the bedroom door (sadly, because Monday's incident was still fresh in my mind), set the alarm, and slept for a bit.  When I woke up (not feeling a whole lot better but determined to tend to my job), I decided to do some routine tasks until my brain kicked back into gear.  I explained my plan to my husband:  eat something, feed the dogs and the parakeet, force myself to finish the online class postings.  That was when he told me the Internet was down.  The cable company (over six hours previous) had told him to wait an hour and call back if it still wasn't working.  He hadn't called back.  I went to feed the parakeet and noticed something odd.  "Where is Sam's water dispenser?" I asked.  "I don't know," my husband replied.  I found the glass tube, shattered on the floor.  "Oh," my husband said, "I must not have secured it correctly when I fed him right now."  I could tell from the tone in his voice (after years of experience) that my husband was hiding an even worse "mistake" on his part:  He had not fed the bird in the three days I was gone; in an attempt to cover his a**, he admitted the lesser sin.  Again, experience allowed me to put the obvious together:  When I mentioned feeding the bird, he remembered the poor thing and in his rush to cover his mistake before I "caught" him, didn't secure the water bottle at all.   Admittedly, I handled things badly and let my disappointment and frustration show, but I also know one cannot always be perfect.  I despondently asked something like, "Oh cra*!  What are we going to do?"  He said he would go get another bottle.  Unfortunately, with too much bitterness in my voice I asked where he was going to do that at 9:30 on a Friday night.  He said he would go to a local 24-hour mega store that carried some pet supplies later that night when he was too tired to work anymore.  I, with grumpiness in my voice, said to give it a try.  In the meantime (knowing "later that night" probably meant 2-4 a.m.) decided the bird still had to have water.  I grabbed a shallow plastic cup, filled it with water and placed it in the bird's cage.

In the morning, I woke up to discover a note on the kitchen counter explaining that he went skiing but no new water dispenser for the bird.  His explanation?  I was angry and by putting a cup of water in the bird cage I had indicated to him that I was "going to handle it."  I agree that I probably was angry and frustrated; I have no idea how providing another living creature with an emergency but ill-suited supply of water was "handling it."

The next day, he said finally gave me an answer to a request I had made in couples therapy at least two weeks earlier:  "Would you please tell me how I can broach the subject of a need which I need to have met?  I need to find an agreed-upon method so that you can hear that cue and take a second to compose yourself before responding to me."  After two weeks of thinking, he said something along the lines of, "I don't have any suggestions.  You just need to tell me, let me react how I'm going to react, then I'll go away and process it and tell you how I really feel."  I repeated back my own understanding of what he just said to me, which was basically, "So, you're saying that I should just tell you, and if you get angry or frustrated and 'push back' at me out of anxiety, that I should just let it be and you'll correct it later?"  He confirmed that I was pretty much on mark with my understanding.  I tried to explain that wasn't the point of my request, that the emotional pain he released (without meaning to) was hurting me--and I never knew whether to expect guilt, anger, or ambivalence.  I wanted to find a win-win situation for us both.  Like so many times before, I was accused of calling him "defective" or "less than human."  I was reminded how dismissive I was of him (for instance, I had shut the door so that he wouldn't disturb me on Friday.)   That I was trying to change who he was.  I tried to reassure him how much I love and admire him; he is kind and caring and has come along way in terms of helping out around the house.  I really did try to patiently explain that I understood he will probably always experience that anxiety of feeling like he got it wrong.  "I know you can't change that," I said.  "I just want to find a way for our marriage to move forward, and to do so, I need you to help me find a way to explain what I need without being hurt in the process."  We somehow also got on the topic of him not letting me sleep Monday night (and him disturbing my sleep is one of the 'hamster wheel' topics for us).  He tried explain that he had to wake me for important things.  I would want to be woken up for a fire, wouldn't I?  Wasn't giving the dog a rawhide chew important, too?  I tried to explain that I did not consider dog treats and impending death as equally important issues and that I hoped he could find a way that when such concerns popped into his head, he could take a second to reflect on whether or not that was important enough to go against a specific request I clearly made 5 minutes earlier.  He bluntly responded, "That's just the way I am.  I cannot change who I am."

I'm sure this probably sounds familiar to many non-ADHD spouses (I've been reading your posts for awhile now just to remind myself I'm not alone).  But here's the kicker: my husband has never been diagnosed ADHD.   In his family of origin, anyone with any hint of such an "abnormality" is lazy.  Degenerate.  Faking it.  Weird.  Strange.  Undeserving.  Any hint of any such "abnormality" occurring in his family is taboo.  The only family member with "problems" that they'll discuss is the ADOPTED cousin. What makes matters worse is that his obsessive-compulsive, controlling father would berate his son for not doing things to my father-in-laws exacting standards.   I and our couples therapist have suggested several times that he go through personal therapy to deal with his anxiety issues, hoping to open a door for him to recognize what's at issue and find productive ways to cope. He has refused, citing the fact that we're calling him "defective."  If we can't get him to seek help for an anxiety issues he admits to, I'm pretty sure he's not going to be open to issues that ADHD could be part of the problem

Unfortunately, it's clear to me now that he's *known* for a long time that something is wrong, but chooses not to create coping strategies because he doesn't want to truly admit to the underlying problems.  As we've dealt with issues about sex and household chores, I've learned that those were only symptoms.  He can make a list to complete household tasks, which certainly helps, but until he's ready to understand that he's not diseased and just needs to create different ways to move through life and marriage (and that I'm his partner in that change, not his enemy), the sex will be awkward and our communication about important emotional issues will be dysfunctional. 

As a result of the past week, I have decided to stop being his emotional punching bag if he's not willing to to even think about finding a way to control his emotional fists.  I will, however, make continuous prayers for healing (for both him and me) even if we're no longer living under the same roof.  I am grateful to the people who have posted on this site who continually remind me that ADHD is an issue for couples to work through together, not an excuse for continuing to hurt someone you love.