Submitted by thisistheend on 03/10/2014.
Hi everyone. I was recently dumped, for lack of a better word, by my ADHD partner of 9 years. He denied there being another woman involved, but I am becoming more and more suspicious and paranoid that there is.
So I guess the spiteful, spurned side of me wants to hope that his future relationships will fail too...that he won't find the happiness that was denied to me.
What is your experience with this? Did your ADHD spouse have a successful relationship with his mistress or future partners?
I am sorry
Submitted by add on
I am so sorry for what you are going through emotionally. I have been where you are mentally right now and still, 4 yrs later, feel so much hurt. We will never know for sure if our ex's will end up in good or bad relationships and to be honest what really matters is how WE move forward and find happiness. Having said that, I STRONGLY believe the same ADD issues that plagued the relationships we were in will return to their new relationships. Just read many of the posts on this website from second and third wives of these ADD spouses. My husband left after 25yrs. I found out about an affair with a coworker. Just the other day he was asking if he could move back in out of convenience for him. That tells me his hyperfocus is over with her. Looking even further back, I know how he acted to me when he was with her so there was deception to the other woman also. In addition, he showed red flags to his ADD that she obviously didn't pick up on, but because I've known him for years I can see it clearly. God forbid the 'new' woman eventually wants to express her opinion and she WILL. We must accept the fact that most all relationships in the beginning will be fun and conflict free but eventually that will change. Try to focus instead on all his behaviors that were so unloving, frustrating and 'out there'. I wrote down my ex's behavior and at times when I a feeling down I read that list and it helps some.
Thanks for your reply. I
Submitted by thisistheend on
Thanks for your reply. I don't know if it's my pride or my codependent neediness, or low self-esteem, but thinking of him with another woman is just tearing me up. it makes me feel so low because I had just lost my job, then two months later he ended it. If he's with a coworker that means she has a good job, is successful and has money...all of which I am not. When we were together we were so broke, and both of us went through periods of unemployment. Now that he got a promotion (just as he was separating from me) they will have money to do things, and have less stress. It's no fair.
Obviously I have some personal issues to work through, but I think you have a good idea about writing down all the ways in which he wasn't there for me and his other shortcomings. Logically I know that I will be better off without him and I should be happy. It's so much easier said than done.
I can relate
Submitted by add on
I can relate to everything you wrote. Yes, I think the most painful part in the beginning is knowing they are with YOUR partner and having all the 'fun'. It can be all consuming for a long time. It does feel so unfair. You are feeling like most would in this situation. My husband left 3 times. The first time I went through the 'it was ALL my fault' phase. I was so hard on myself. If only I had/hadn't done this or that,etc, etc, etc. Then he left again and once again it devastated me. Three months after leaving me that time he asked if he could come home. Did the excitement wear off with another woman? Probably. I foolishly said yes. At the time I had no idea ADD was in the picture (that only happened years later after my son was diagnosed and the affair happened). Finally, I find out there was this affair going on for almost a year or more with a coworker. By the time I got to the affair I didn't once think "if only I had been this or that" I was done with that crap, but it still was so upsetting that I had given so much to him and here he was leaving me for someone else. I felt the same way you do about him having someone with money. I was a stay at home mom and hadn't worked the entire marriage. Let me tell you, though, what snapped me out of thinking how wonderful she was and how inferior I was. I knew for a fact that if a married man at work tried hitting on me there would be NO WAY I would hook up with him. THIS WOMAN must be the one with low esteem to do that!! That shows her true character! You said they will have less stress but in reality, and here's where you have to truly believe, once the newness wears off it will be the same 'man' that you were with and the stress will be there. My friend used to joke with me and would say, "just wait until she asks him to mow the lawn". You know how people say, if he cheats on you he will cheat on the next one. I do know in my situation my husband is using her (won't go into the details but he is). So you have to know that they are not getting some totally new, perfect man. It is the same man who can't communicate, can't help out, etc, etc. I can't think of any men I know who have left their partners for someone else and it has gone well. NONE! It may not fall apart within a year but eventually the cracks will show. Writing down all of his behaviors will help. I put mine under different ADD categories such as communication, impulsiveness, etc. It will help you see that it truly was the ADD behaviors that had such a large affect on your marriage. Unless he's getting a new brain, nothing will change. Take a day at a time and BELIEVE what goes around, comes around.