Dh is EXTREMELY a perfectionist when it come to GARBAGE. He pulls everything apart and categorizes the garbage. He has pails and boxes lining all the walls in our garage with things he thinks he has to process by taking out every nut and bolt and saving them. He told me I MUST wash out "with soap" all the empty jars and glasses and soak and peel the labels off of them before throwing them away. He spends most of every Saturday "processing" the garbage. His side of the garage is like a hoarder's - filled to the brim and no room for his car. He sits with screw drivers and pliers smoking, drinking beer and listening to the radio while "putzing" with rusty, broken stuff. He has accumulated so much old broken stuff that, if he were to actually take it all apart, it would take him a year of full days to accomplish. The pieces do not get recycled or thrown away, they are stuffed in the back and growing mold, rust and spider webs.
He built refuse bins in our yard but doesn't upkeep them. They are dilapidated eyesores that are expanding into our once beautiful wooded path.
Anyone have an idea of what this obsession with dirt and garbage is? I might guess that in his mind, he is a great guy working to save the planet, but it is unbalanced and creepy. When someone finally does clean out the garage one day, all the pieces will get dumped together to get recycled or thrown out. But he insists he MUST do it this way. Instead of using his time to work at a job that would make money and support the family, he thinks he has a valuable stash in metal junk and that he is smart that he doesn't have to "work".
My husband does not throw
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband does not throw things away. He has a basement full of computer parts and tools and junk. It is not particularly organized. He also does not have a routine of throwing out things that clearly are garbage, such as dirty tissues, empty toothpaste tubes, etc. His father (my FIL), with whom he is living now, is very organized. FIL gets upset if garbage and recycling are not precisely sorted and disposed of. He has certain areas within the house for each type of garbage and recycling. He does not like deviating from this system, even though my mother-in-law has Alzheimer's disease and does things such as going through the bags and taking out pieces of garbage (including cans with potentially sharp edges). All these things disturb and disgust me.
same here!
Submitted by boilergirl on
Prioriities
Submitted by jennalemon on
Yes, dh spends hours scraping plastic coating off tiny bits of wire too, yet only works part time earning not enough money to support his family. I WANT to understand him. Anyone know what is going through his mind while his priorities are NOT for his family? At least not money or time-wise. Is it purely a matter of distraction from real responsibility or are there other things going on?
This is a COMPLETELY
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
This is a COMPLETELY non-medical, non-expert opinion, but it seems to me that because of the way the ADHD brain is wired, often times, it is not an avoidance of real responsibility. It seems to me to be more of a complete unawareness of things like time (the passage of and the amount spent) and how their behavior affects others...as has been mentioned so many times here. And then sometimes some defiance thrown in...especially in situations that they've been criticized a lot on.
My ex-BF loved me and his daughter(s) very much...I truly believe that with all my heart. But he and I had a long distance relationship and only saw each other once every 3-6 weeks AND for the 2 years straight every visit was done by me because he lost his job and couldn't afford to come to me (5 hours away). I'd only be able to stay 2 or 3 nights. He also had a sleeping disorder and would sleep many many hours. I spent large portions of many visits alone or playing/taking care of his daughter if she was there that weekend. He never seemed to comprehend how odd that was and how that made me and I'm sure his young daughter feel. In fact, he mostly got upset that I couldn't accept his sleep issues more. He'd say he was upset and sad he didn't get much time with me or his daughter, but then when we WERE there, he didn't (and I believe COULDN'T) prioritize his schedule to accommodate us.
He also had huge issues with time blindness. I don't think he really comprehended that it was 2 straight years of only me visiting (holding up the relationship). When he got a job, I assumed he'd start to visit again like he did the first year (but this was all before I suspected the ADHD and before I knew about hyperfocus and understood why our first year was so great). In the 8 months after he finally found a job, he visited twice...but I think he was oblivious to that fact. The passage of time eluded him.
Anyway, I am hijacking this post...sorry! Just wanted to say to Jennalemon's point that it does seem there are other things going on aside from running from responsibility.
Your comment about time
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Your comment about time blindness is interesting. In September 2011, my husband began spending four days per week at his parents' home, in another city, to provide them with companionship and household assistance. Since this past September, he has been there almost every day (coming "home" a few times to see our daughters when they've been here). In that time, he has initiated phone calls and email to me fewer than 10 times. Partly this is a communication issue but I also think my husband doesn't accurately measure time or recognize its passage.
One man's trash
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemon, boilergirl, and Rosered,
I have always been amazed that my spouse cannot see the mess caused by the piles of junk, and boxes of junk, and trash cans of junk, stacked around the back of our yard, and oozing forth from our barn. He sees value in other's trash.
Of course, he does, at times, take loads of scrap to the scrap yard to the tune of around a profit of $500.00 a load.
Most of the others piles are "projects" that he has envisioned. - Like the giant old satellite dish - that will be the 'cleaner for the power mower.' It is extremely hard for me to see the beauty of his inventions - to me they make out yard look like heck. Many a time he is re-inventing the wheel. There already is something out there that would be easier to just buy. I do not want to dismiss his creative mind - I just would like to find some sort of way to live together in harmony with him and his stuff. He is so possessive of his stuff, he will not allow anyone else to help him sort or organize - even if we promised not to throw away anything.
Sadly the biggest issue we run into here is that he runs out of work-space, and often commandeers other's space for himself - with much anger when we protest. He claims we are squeezing him off his property. In actuality he is stomping on our boundaries. Just because he cannot keep his own space clean and will not let us help him keep it clean, does not give him the right to take over our space.
My son has more or less given up on having his Dad respect his space in the barn. I feel my spouse is so unfair about this. My son RENTS the barn space from us. I can't win. My son can't win. He has given up and is moving.
I've said it before, he wastes so much time sorting through cans and buckets of hardware looking for something. He usually can't find it - and goes to the hardware store to buy it new. And the times he does find items, they are so rusty he has to go to the hardware store to buy it new. Sigh.
There has to be a way to find a balance between his "Rube Goldberg" stuff and the "nice" way I want our yard to look. Our barn is so top-heavy it is crooked - my spouse believes it is crooked because the barn is so old.
Oh my goodness, I can relate
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Oh my goodness, I can relate to a lot of this, but in a different way. It is the time spent doing something that to me seems so meaningless and takes so much time away from family. My husband insists on building things like shelves for our house, even though buying them would probably cost less and the shelves would be lighter and easier to move (he makes everything out of heavy wood). I'm taking our two kids to my parents place for a full day every Sunday, because he insists he needs to spend the whole day in his workshop. Well, i just found out, after he broke his planer, that one of the things he does is buy somewhat cheaper wood that he must then use a planer to smooth out, making each project much longer. But the length of time does not make up for the expense saved and now that he needs to buy a new planer, it is actually even more expensive. I asked him if it would make more sense to not buy a new planer and just buy better wood and save time. He admitted he loves the part where he gets to use the planer. And he also sands everything a gazillion times and puts several coats of paint on everything. And he's also been spending his time on Sunday making tree after tree for the train table he "built for our toddler" (toddler hates it because he isn't allowed to touch anything on it, everything is so delicate).
He just doesn't seem to see how much time all of this takes and how it takes him away from his family. He recently had a week off work, and spent maybe an hour a day with our baby daughter and I, but insists he spent much more with us (again, he was down in the workshop most of the day, then playing video games or watching TV the rest). I can't figure out if it is time blindness when he is in the workshop or if he just hates spending time with the family (wasn't as much of a problem before we had kids) and makes up projects to get out of it. It's so depressing watching him miss so much of his children's childhood and as I hear about your husbands getting worse as worse as they get older, it just saddens and scares me.
Time Blindness and Priorities
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
ICanSeeClearlyNow,
I have and do disagree with my spouse on time spent_____________ (fill in the blank.)
He was a great Daddy. He would do all sorts of things with our children. He was very inventive in Daddy-Fun. An example: If he was out in the yard, he would put them in their swim suits, dig a huge hole and fill it with water. They LOVED playing with shovels and buckets and Tonka trucks in the mud. This is an event MOMMY would NEVER chose to do :) He even hosed them off when they were done.
He was a Sunday School teacher, a Cub Scout Leader, and a softball coach. The softball time of the year was a scheduling nightmare. When he got involved - he got INVOLVED. Hyper-focus came into play in a major big way. Paid work fell to the sideline - he took time to work on the fields, and paint the benches, and chalk the lines, and get out the equipment, and take the team players for ice-cream - every other game whether they won or not.
Now that our children are adults, they are starting to feel the frustration of asking their Dad to help them - - and then having to wait until it is a priority in HIS schedule. A perfect example - a hole was punched in the wall of our daughter's apartment when they moved in her couch. Dad told her and her landlord not to worry about it - he would fix it. Now, she and our son-in-law have bought a house, and the landlord in showing the apartment - so my daughter has hung a poster over the hole - they are moving into their house in less than 2 weeks - and the hole is not fixed. Daddy keeps saying, "I said I would fix it." Yep, I know that frustration so well. Enter the pain of deciding - Do I just wait? Do I do it myself, with the end result of Dad being mad at me? You would think it would be the obvious choice to fix it - however my children were raised in the house with me not knowing how to deal with those sort of situations either, so I just let myself be angry. Sad example I was. Now that I know better. . . .well, I can't fix the past, but I can lay down new ground rules for the future.
My husband's scrapping, and saving and inventing - I do not begrudge the man his choice of how to spend his time. If he would rather tinker in the garage than golf or fish, it IS his time to spend. The trouble comes in when he can't regulate the time spent. Stay out in the barn until 4:30 am, then not be able to get up for the job he scheduled for 8 am the next morning. Work on pulling pipe and wire from a building to sell for scrap - but miss 2-3 weeks of paying jobs, while he also hires three part-time employees to help him, traveled 60 miles each way, fed the employees, - and did NOT get paid for doing it. He was so proud of all the kudos he got from the building owner - of course the owner was happy, he did not have to pay a clean-up company to do the work and did not have to hire a garbage company to haul the stuff away. If this was something to do on Friday nights or on the weekends, again t was his time to do as he wanted - but that was not the case. His mind cannot see the COSTS, all he sees in what he made by selling some of the wire and pipe. If you take the profit and subtract all the costs - the end result is a nightmare.
If we had a stable financial situation, none of this would not be an issue - but that was not and is not the case. AND he never had to hit any sort of financial bottom, because I always robbed Peter to pay Paul and keep us afloat.
I have a baby cradle my spouse was making for me when our first son was born in 1989. It is HUGE, weighs a ton, and the rockers are still . . . .25 years later . . . not varnished nor attached.
To my spouse, it appears one minute, one day, one month, one year - is time, period.
Living in a time frame of "NOW versus NOT-NOW" is extremely difficult when two people cannot get on the same page.
I know my children's relationship with their Dad belongs to each child and their Dad. I DO sometimes fell sad that someday he will wake up to see that time really DOES have an ending. Or, maybe he wont.
Hyperfocus
Submitted by boilergirl on
I had to comment on the hyperfocus issue when joining organizations. This is currently happening with my son's Cub Scout Pack. DH took on the committee chair role (which requires lots of organization and time. I warned him it would be too much, but or course, it would be "fine") He is either spending all of his time on it and putting aside his own actual work (he is self-employed as an accountant after getting fired last year from a firm. I have seen him working, but he has hardly brought in any money this year) or does nothing on it and works on his actual work. There is no inbetween. Then, because I am a den leader for my son, I get the emails and calls about things ("Are we still doing xyz? I haven't gotten an email about it.") He complains about always doing everything, but won't let anyone else take over or help because they just won't do it right. I have brought up numerous times how Cub Scouts is hurting his business and therefore our family, but he always turns it on how I am just not doing enough and stepping up.
I think the garbage and clutter is that way, too. I often think he goes out to putz around in the garage when he is overwhelmed and then completely loses track of time. My feeling is that he just gets so overwhelmed and then basically shuts down. Then he goes and does those seemingly meaningless tasks. My DH also cannot see the costs. The amount of time he spends stripping wires and crushing cans far outweighs what he will actually make from this. All the while I am working 2 different jobs, taking classes to renew my teaching license, and praying that I can find a teaching job this fall (and that we can hold out money-wise that long) just to get some kind of regular income again. I also would love to understand him and how he can just seem to be completely indifferent and oblivious to our monetary crisis right now because of his job loss, but I have no way to fathom it.
Team work - or - puppet and puppetmaster
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
boilergirl,
The teamwork part of our relationship works well - where and when my spouse will let it. In Scouting, I did the background work - scheduling the trips, organizing the meeting schedule, attending meetings with the other leaders, running to the Scouting store to get pins and awards. Those are areas where I shine. Speaking in front of a group - that is where my spouse shines. So, the teamwork was a good thing for us there. My spouse always said the "My wife is the puppet-master, I am only the puppet."
We also did the children's sermons at church. I would find them, refine them, gather the props, make the note cards - and my spouse would deliver them during the church service. Again there, the teamwork was great.
Scouting, children's sermons and making two beautiful children. Those are a few of the great parts of our relationship.
Once we got to the softball team, I did all the behind-the-scenes stuff, but by that time my spouse did not recognize my contributions. His downfall, if you want to call it that, came when he volunteered to be the commissioner of the teams. Without any acknowledgement of my efforts, he claimed he could do it on his own just fine. So I stepped out. It was an organizational mess. Parts of team uniforms were delivered on the very last day of the games. Even by the end, he did not acknowledge how hard it was without my help. It was just the fault of all the other volunteers who were 'against him.'
I just cannot - to this day - figure out how to find a way for him to FEEL the effects of his lack of income to support our life, because if he falls, I go right down with him. I have been working on separating our finances - it is a long road ahead of me still. Credit cards that were in my name, used to the MAX to finance our life. School loans. My own recent school loans.
Ack. I do not want to be trying to figure out my career and life at 54 years of age. All because I allowed poor behavior to rule my life choices. Now I know better. Trying to do better, and overcome the past errors is daunting.
building things
Submitted by dedelight4 on
IcanSeeClearlyNow..........I can totally relate to what you are going through. My ADHD husband also builds things out of wood. Everything he makes is super heavy which makes it impossible for any of us to move each item. He built a sandbox for our granddaughter (wooden), because he wanted it to be special. It ended up costing $500., and she has barely played with it. (it was never finished, and it looked weird) I wanted to get a 30 dollar plastic one. The sandbox is now coming apart, and looks awful in our backyard. He also made a wooden swing set for her with ONE baby swing on it. It kept tipping over when we had her in it, and now she's too big for it. It ALSO looks like junk now.... so, our backyard is becoming a junkyard of his unfinished, breaking down, undone projects.
The TIME it takes away from the family is the worst, but he insists he HAS to do these things.
The ABSOLUTE WORST thing has been the past TEN YEAR PROJECT. He has been writing music for an independent movie, and it has taken up almost every spare minute outside of his regular job. HE HASN'T EVEN GOTTEN PAID FOR IT YET.!!!!!! He recently said the movie was finished....WHICH IT ISN'T....and I mentioned the fact that this thing has taken 10 years of our time. He emphatically said "NO IT HASN'T", "It's only been the past couple weeks that I've been spending extra time on it".....to which our youngest daughter whipped her head around and said..."Dad, you've been working on the movie every day for the past 2 and a half years since I've been living here". (she and our granddaughter moved in with us 2 years ago)
So, I reminded him of WHEN he started the movie. He started it the year before we moved to our current home, which was in 2004. I know this, because we had a big argument about whether or not the producer of the movie was a crook or not. My husband tore into me, yelling at me about how I didn't know ANYTHING ABOUT the movie OR the producer. (he really let me have it) (it ended up that the producer WAS a crook and was just taking people's investment money to live on) Nobody got paid for doing the movie and the producer ended up getting in serious trouble for fraud. Anyway, the movie continued with a different producer and my husband worked on it ALL THIS TIME, and it's STILL NOT FINISHED. He really didn't want to believe it's been THIS MANY YEARS. Here, this thing has taken ten years out of OUR LIVES, and he only sees it as a couple weeks. HOW INSANE IS THAT? It's cost us thousands in music equipment and such, NEVER TO MENTION ALL THE HOURS he's put into it. Our family has really suffered because of all the time he's put into this. But, my husband's reasoning is this.........."This will open doors for me somewhere else". I would like to believe that, but I just can't at this point. (it's not a very good movie)
But, what could have happened had he spent his time doing OTHER THINGS? Like, fixing things around the house, or spending time with ME.....or the girls....or having a FUN job playing music somewhere where he would ACTUALLY GET PAID? I don't know. It boggles my mind.
Don't let it boggle your mind....
Submitted by c ur self on
Most men and I am one want to feel productive, and be busy. Women aren't equipment genetically to understand what drives us...My late wife never could understand, why I loved to hunt...She would say, your going to leave this perfectly warm bed to go out in that cold...I loved it!!! Women will never understand how we think, nor will I ever understand how a women thinks...But, I can accept the fact that we think differently, and have peace with that...But, shrugging responsibilities as a husband and father is something else, and if you throw in add, its not pretty...The only thing I would suggest is to honestly ask yourself these questions...Is it any thing I am doing to cause him to do what he is doing? What would it be like for him if he spent more time being involved w/ me? and the kids? Is he is missing out on loving arms, kindness, and peacefulness and what he would call fun and satisfying?
Who is responsible?
Submitted by jennalemon on
"The only thing I would suggest is to honestly ask yourself these questions...Is it any thing I am doing to cause him to do what he is doing?"
This thinking is probably the most crazy-making thing about ADD and marriage/partnership. The spouse is suspect for his action or non-action. In most cases the spouse has bent over backwards and unrealistically has GIVEN to and DONE for her ADD husband and he still acts irresponsibly. SHE is not the reason HE squandered 10 years to work on a project that will probably never pay off.
Ask yourself honestly, If you had a business and your business partner squandered his time on your combined timeclock for 10 years, working on a project that didn't pay off, what is it that YOU were doing to cause your business partner to squander his time?"
I can see u r bitter
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes u r right...my wife is a chronic add...she makes huge messes that I get left with, If it was up to her we would live in a house piled high w/ junk...etc...etc...she has no rationalization skills when it come to garbage...you can't talk to her when she is trying to get ready for work...she is so distracted she can't do two things at once...She fly to work...but, she is my wife and I love her, even if she is like having another 8 year old most of the time...But she is a person, who regardless of add, deserves a husband who shows her love and respect...The reason I asked the lady to ask herself that question, is because most add spouses view there mates as somebody they don't want to be around. They will find projects and reason's to stay away, they feel like they can never measure up...And once the non-adder gets bitter, and starts pointing out all there problems...I can see why...I was one of the righteous one's that got bitter, and showed no Grace...But, I have come to understand a few things. I can so no, I am not responsible for her actions. But there is never a reason for me to be ugly or demeaning to my wife...
I am confused
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
c ur self,
I am rereading your post. I originally ignored it because your comment about women not being equipment (equipped?) genetically. . . caused me to skip right on by. Now as I reread, I read you mentioned your 'late' wife. I was assuming you meant she has passed away.
Anyway, the reason for this comment is that any marriage needs a balance of some sort to keep the marriage circle going round. I sure do know that bitterness towards my spouse has frozen my heart. Too much responsibility, trying so hard to figure out how to improve our relationship, passing on so much encouragement to him and only getting indicators that I wasn't quite measuring up to his expectations. . . .that sure did cause me to not have any romantic feelings toward him - - at all.
im so exhausted
Submitted by c ur self on
If u click on my first post (add in the kitchen) in the recent post colume it will tell you a little about myself. And yea...I noticed I had misspelled equipped after I posted it :) I know about a frozen heart...I was just separated 11 months...and was full of resentment, bitterness and blame...all my friends saying man you have done everything to try and live with that women...but deep down, i knew I needed healing before I could view her like God wanted me too...
I'm glad there is a guy here
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I'm glad there is a guy here to chime in about this. Some of the women I work with mention their husbands doing similar things as mine, but not to the same degree. C ur self, you mention that men like to feel productive doing things like hunting and I would guess, building things. Do you think men find childcare to be less productive compared to these things? My husband's projects have gotten way more time consuming since we had kids. I honestly barely noticed his ADHD before that (he's always kept a good job and I guess I didn't realize how much more of the housework I was doing before I had even less time to get it done with the demands of taking care of kids as well). And I'm thinking for someone with ADHD, who isn't interested in doing the things you would do with young children like long meal times, reading simple books, playing imaginary games, this is even harder for him. He does like to play with blocks with our son and they play a simple version of football sometimes (my son is only 3), but that's about it. He doesn't even like to sit with us through a whole meal - he's off to the T.V. when he's wolfed down in meal. I'm starting to wonder if the projects are a way to fill his time with something that he feels is "productive".
This is interesting. My
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
This is interesting. My husband was much more involved in parenting when our daughters were young. When they got to middle school, he started to withdraw from them and from me. It might have been a coincidence (i.e., other stuff going on in his life), but I really think that he got scared or something when the parenting tasks changed from playing games to helping our children navigate challenging interpersonal relationships and such.
The challenge
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I sure did notice that when our children were younger, my spouse was enthralled when he could control their actions. They saw him as super-Daddy and he did lots to keep them busy. Much like myself when we first got married.
As they developed and I recovered, and we had minds and thoughts and opinions of our own, that is when trouble ensued. I always felt he was threatened by any of my strengths, rather than seeing how we could compliment each other.
Rosered
Submitted by c ur self on
He probably did feel threatened...Adders usually work so hard mentally to live normally they carry these insecurities from childhood...I can't tell you how many times over the past 6 years, I've told my wife...we are a team, I love you, you don't have to compete w/ me. My strengths are your strengths...Learning to trust for adders, is hard, it just means more disappointment in their mind. But, if they feel they have control, then they can take part...
Rosered
Submitted by c ur self on
When my two daughters got 12 or 13, they withdrew from me, everything was, no daddy, I need momma for this...All of a sudden I had lost my playmates, and little ladies were evolving. I'm not saying your husband felt this but sure was a reality for me. So i picked up some new hobbies, not that i didn't still do things w/ the kids, as they got older and got interested in fast pitch softball I was able to relate to that and coached them both for several years...
icanseeclearlynow
Submitted by c ur self on
The answer for the child care question is it depends on the person, and the situation. Have you asked him? God created man to be the leader in the home, and most men feel that responsibility, sorrowfully not all though. Woman were created as an help meat..not inferior by no means, but the two shall become one flesh. Building things is definitely high on what makes a man feel like a man. But, on the other hand, to love, play with, care for and spend time with your children should be awesome. If a man feels like he is not appreciated or looked down upon, or if he just gets selfish or self centered, like we all can do, his behavior and attitudes will suffer. Usually in one or two ways...most will withdraw, others will lash out, or demand respect. I really don't know how men w/ADHD are effected by children, i know my wife will just get on there level, for hours, you talking about a mess :-) Don't be afraid to approach your husband, just keep it loving, remember y'all belong to one another, you should be best friends...If he has trouble following a conversation don't over whelm him, just keep it simple, and if frustration sets in just give it some time, he will think about it...
In reply to c ur self
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I understand what you are saying. I agree with with what you said about the man needing to feel like the leader in the home, as I too, believe God as said. My husband and I have been married 31 years next month, and in most of those years, I have spend endless upon endless hours loving him, uplifting him, giving him the headship he deserves, praising his accomplishments, and NEVER demeaning him. I am a child of parents who were abusive and cruel and I vowed NEVER to be that way with other people....ESPECIALLY my husband.
After years and years of being loving, caring, supportive, ( plus I am NOT a screamer or a person who puts people down anyway, I'm just not that way) putting my arms around him telling him how much I love him and love being married to him, I could NOT understand why he NEVER, EVER returned any affection(which he DID when we were dating) It was always ME who started the affection, or loving words, or touches, hugs, kisses, even sex....and I was starved for affection myself. I would ask him why he wouldn't return the affection. He would get angry and say...."I can't quit my job to give you hugs and kisses 24/7". I would say....."I don't want it 24/7, just once in a while, and an occasional hug or kiss would be great and make me feel REALLY GOOD. He wouldn't do it, and would just get angry and walk away. This went on for YEARS. I tried tirelessly for many years, believing that real love can and will conquer anything, but I was obviously wrong.
We went 24 years until we found out about the ADHD, and the undiagnosed years were chaotic, stressful, and he blamed ME for much of the chaos and disruption in our lives. I was his backup person FOR EVERYTHING IN HIS LIFE, which he NEVER gave me any credit for. THAT ALONE was horribly crushing, because he couldn't have accomplished what he did without my help. He has a PhD, which I sacrificed a lot for, and again, he gave credit to someone ELSE. He needs constant praise, constant affirmation...but doesn't give it back to the people he "says" he loves. I don't understand this. But, yet he will praise other people on the outside to me and our family.
You CAN'T be given SCRAPS of attention, love and affirmation and expect to emotionally survive in a marriage. So, when he had his affair, I asked him, "If you love this girl SO MUCH, go be with her, be happy". I don't want you to stay with me if you are THAT unhappy. He broke it off and stayed with me because he said he "knew it was wrong". I could never tell if he was happy with me or not, because he NEVER SAID. If I said "I love you"....he would say it back to me, but would never initiate the words himself first. I always wondered WHY he stayed married to me if he never said how he felt. He WILL NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING TO DO WITH EMOTIONS, or our RELATIONSHIP, or his ADHD.
What can I do with that? I have literally tried everything I can, and nothing has changed except ME. I have emotionally withered, and so now I live the same as he does. No hugs, no kisses, no affection and he seems pretty okay with that, but again, I have no way of knowing otherwise. When I tell you I have tried EVERYTHING please believe me. We even went to counseling, but he wouldn't be honest with the counselor....telling her everything was fine, and would then talk about his job. This whole thing has been confusing as heck, and this is the ONLY place where I rant and can get out my feelings of frustration, because the other people here KNOW what I've been living with.
dedelight4
Submitted by c ur self on
I had a wide range of emotions reading this post, it's evident you put your heart on paper, whoa! I have so much respect for what you have been through. But, there is hope, I'm no expert, but i am a man who God has brought through a 30 year marriage w/a wife who was sexually abused by family as a young teenager, and so suppressed it she woke up screaming in the middle of the night in her mid-forties. She also suffered w/ OCD (hair pulling) and nerves. She never wanted me physically, but God eventually taught me he could fill all my needs and how to appreciate and love her for the special person she was. After she passed away from breast Cancer at age 49 I met my present wife, and we married about a year later, she has chronic add, and exhibits all the symptoms. She is a lot like your husband in many area's and a lot like most of these posts...But the reason I'm responding to you is because I have peace now, and it didn't come from my wife. I want you to consider and pray about these things...Is Jesus the center of my life or is my husband? How would I live the remainder of my life, if he (husband) didn't exist? Would I make changes to the way I pay the bills, clean, cook, go through life? Are you basing your self-worth on your husbands actions and feeling toward you, or God's love for you? God gave me this verse about a year or so ago when I was so bitter and hurt and could only see the pain and hopelessness, and I will share it w/you...A man who looks to save his life will loose it, but a man who gives his life for my sake will gain life eternal. You sound like an awesome lady, your husband is so blessed to have you...I would suggest you get some Christian counseling for yourself, Do you have mature Christian friends who love you and speak truth to you? We all need that fellowship. Add is not an excuse for the person w/it hurt and take advantage of others, nor, is it a reason for us w/o it to look at our mates as inferior or broken...They see and deal w/ life in a way we do not, so we must accept that as a fact, and not perceive it to be bad or in need of change, besides if someone can change, add or not, only Love changes us.
c ur self
Submitted by dedelight4 on
What a lovely post you wrote. Thank you for your insight. I love the fact that you say you are a Godly man and look to Him for your strength and guidance, and your wife is fortunate indeed to have a husband who takes the spiritual headship in the family. I have often prayed this for my husband and myself. I know my husband is a Christian, but he doesn't take the authority given to him in Christ. When things need to be prayed about, or decisions made through prayer, he says "That's YOUR department", which saddens me. I can't walk my husband's walk of faith and he has yet to do it himself. Going to church is "your department" again, even though lately he has shown an interest in finding a church, which he has also left up to me. I've found one , but he's put conditions on it, and won't go unless I choose a different one. So, I'll try to find one we BOTH can attend together.
I read and re-read the questions you posted that I should ask myself, and there are several things worth considering. To answer your first question: Jesus IS the center of my life, because I couldn't exist without that first.
I will admit my self esteem has taken a huge blow from my husband's actions and feelings towards me. I don't BASE my own self worth from his feelings, but again, it HAS SERIOUSLY HURT THEM. It has made me question over and over again if I was worth marrying and loving at first, why reject me once we're married? It's made me feel MUCH LESS A WOMAN, (especially during and after his affair, which we've NEVER resolved) It's never made sense. I didn't change or become a monster, or yell at him or disapprove of him in any way. In fact I tried to make HIM feel worthwhile and competent and loved. There were a couple times when I tried to ask him about this, and he said "Your approval isn't the same as my peers or someone on the outside". (meaning: THEIR approval of him was worth more than mine) When I asked him why he believed this, he wouldn't answer.
So...why stay? good question. I DO love my husband, which at this point probably sounds nuts. But, I'll tell you the GREAT things about him. He's got a funny sense of humor that I adore, and isn't afraid to act silly or zany (within good taste)lol We both know God put us together, for many reasons, but I guess we've screwed it up.....We both share music (we're musicians) and work together musically very well. We can talk for hours about LOTS of things, (can't talk about US) Well, I have to amend that...I do a LOT of listening, because he doesn't allow me to talk as much as HE gets to. When I start talking, he zones out after about 30 seconds and then changes the conversation back to himself and/or takes the conversation over again. So, I end up listening to him do all the talking. He's lost a lot of friends this way, because he didn't realize they weren't happy with the constant talk about "himself", without asking the others how THEY were and how was THEIR families, etc. (some typical ADHD traits)
We don't fight or argue and ours is a pretty amicable life, except for us not having a marriage that's "connected". I KNOW he cares about me, but The past 2 years I've had serious health problems (I almost died from a ruptured colon) and have 2 ruptured discs in my back, which cause severe pain, I can't work and have had to go on disability. I wore myself out physically trying to keep up with my husband's messes, running things to him at work that he forgot, and being his "back up person" when he was a band director for a major college. I did ALL the work behind the scenes, as well as play piano for 5 different groups, raise the girls, do all the housework, yardwork, clean the cars, AND do all the shopping, cooking and laundry. It was too much for my body to handle and now it's worn out. My husband told me recently "I never asked you to keep up with me". (another put down) Now, even if I chose to go out on my own, I could NOT afford it.
I've questioned many times if I chose this kind of person (emotionally distant) because of my past. It might have been, but what was confusing was this:,....my husband WASN'T that way when we were dating. He was VERY attentive and loving and affectionate. (which I now know was hyperfocus) Hyperfocus is deceiving when choosing a mate. The person you see and are involved with is focusing on you for the short time you're dating, which changes once you get married.
Anyway, I understand what you are saying about letting God be the "everything" that He needs to be in our lives. You're right. I need to pray about that. In the natural, I admit, I've questioned whyI've tried to do so many things I truly believe in, truly love, truly care about, give it over to God, only to have it rejected for this long. If it STILL never changes I STILL have to live with myself and have a better relationship with God without so many questions never being answered. I didn't used to be this way.
Distance as well as time blindness
Submitted by Sueann on
Years ago, we lived miles from the nearest bus. My husband had the only set of car keys because he was the only one that could drive it. (I can't drive a stick shift.). He lost them and decided we should walk to work. It would be faster than waiting for the bus. (!) How in the world did he think we could walk 10 miles faster than taking the bus???
So we walked. Did I mention I am disabled and walking is hard for me?. SIX buses passed us, after we walked the 2 and a half miles to the end of the bus line, all with seats and air conditioning. He insisted we just keep walking. Eventually we got to a bus stop with a bench and I said I am not walking any more, and we did get on a bus and get to work on time.
We only got the key situation straight because they recalled his model of car and it involved a new ignition module l and, hence, new keys. But we had to pay $50 to get it towed to the dealer because he lost the keys. I didn't find them for 6 months.