It is sunny here and the skies are clear. A perfect day to spend out in our 10 acres cleaning my gardens. On with the sweatshirt and gardening gloves, step out the door - and less than 15 minutes later I am on the couch with nausea, light-headedness and abdominal distress. Everywhere I looked is a partially completed project, little messes here and there, and things, things, things, things.
My marriage is strained past the breaking point. My life's responsibilities are way out of balance - I have assumed all responsibility for the housework, and the finances for both our household and those of my spouses construction business. I have things out of order of priority and I do not afford myself the proper amount of time to do well in my college classes.
More or less the only person I can rely upon is me. Myself. I. Our income is surely not adequate to feel a comfort zone. I cannot speak openly to my spouse when I am stressed, worried or angry. Chores, money and daily living are not things that can be casually discussed. I guess I really do try to do everything by myself, as I cannot rely on my spouse to follow through. Agreed upon chores go undone. I realized I no longer ask, because I do not want to deal with frustration.
I cannot organize my life effectively as so much of it is lived with fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants chaos.
I am not coping well under all this pressure - because right now I wanted to be enjoying the yardwork - not lying on the couch trying to get undizzy.
What has been foremost on my mind this past week - How to unravel what I have done with my life. How to disengage. How to separate our financial responsibility. How not to run away, but restructure MY life. This should not all be a conundrum for me. I have been a member of Al-Anon for years. Yet I am wrapped up in over helping and co-existing in a marriage affected by a spouse with an ADHD wired brain, which he acknowledges. Surely, at Al-Anon they hear frustration, and say "Yes he has a drinking problem. You can do nothing until he accepts it. Now how can we help YOU with how it is affecting your life?. He drinks because he chooses to drink. You are not to blame for his drinking."
ADHD diagnosed in the later 50s in a cruel harsh beast. He is alone because he is not fun to work with. He says no one wants to work hard anymore. He is alone because he cannot 'agree to disagree.' He is right, they are wrong, and they also have a whole list of character defects that make it "right" to choose not to be with them. Family. Friends.
I don't want to abandon him, but it is already taking too much of a physical toll on me. I think I really do want to give him an ultimatum: Choose your life, as it is - with all the poor coping skills you have developed over the years by not knowing about the ADHD. Or choose me.
I do want to be chosen.
I do want to be cherished.
I do want to feel loved for what I bring to our relationship - not just because I can provide intimacy for him.
I have realized to my horror that his has taken over every living breathing second of my life. It is overshadowing EVERYTHING. It feels like a defeat. It feels like a disappointment. It has consumed me. It permeates into every discussion I have - with everyone - everywhere. I have discovered I have isolated myself as I do not know how to share the difficulty of this challenge without appearing to trash the man.
I agreed to enter into counseling again - yet again - as he assured me he has accomplished what was required to be able to do couple's work: be reliable in the relationship, be more than 90% on time, finish what he says he will do, remember what he should be doing, communicate when he isn't going to do something before it becomes a crisis, has the anger in check.
How not to sound defeatest. He is 90% of the time on time - because we don't have any set plans for anything for the past many months. We do not have a set dinner time. He does not have a set work schedule. I do not rely on him. He forgot/ignored more than half of the 8-week financial course we took, and did only one day of homework.
He insists he has accomplished all those, and - again - the issue is me because I won't acknowledge his progress.
I am trying to focus on my actions. The groceries need to be bought. The bills need to be paid. The house needs to be cleaned. The trash needs to go out. And I need to drown out his angry words of "I wish people could see what I have to live with. A wife who punishes me. No other man would stand for it."
"More or less the only person
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"More or less the only person I can rely upon is me. Myself. I. Our income is surely not adequate to feel a comfort zone. I cannot speak openly to my spouse when I am stressed, worried or angry. Chores, money and daily living are not things that can be casually discussed. I guess I really do try to do everything by myself, as I cannot rely on my spouse to follow through. Agreed upon chores go undone. I realized I no longer ask, because I do not want to deal with frustration."
This sums up my experience with my husband, too. We're now living apart. My life is so much better now. Please focus on yourself as much as you can.
I tried so hard
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I have tried so darn hard to understand. I have tried so darn hard to be be patient. I have tried so darn hard to try every avenue available. Books. Seminars. Counselors.
I was determined to avoid the "What you fear you create" scenario for my life. I kept my chin up. I kept trying. I thought I could. I thought I could.. I thought I could.
Not funny at all - but today I literally did work myself into a tizzy.
How to you convey to a man. who insists he is better, insists he has changed, that what I see is he turned into a big mean bully. Redundant I know. He is missing something somewhere.
I do not want to accept defeat after all my efforts. Yet, defeat - in this battle anyway - is what is being dished up to me on a golden platter.
My reality
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"I wish people could see what I have to live with. A wife who punishes me. No other man would stand for it."
I keep coming back to those words my spouse yelled at me, in anger.
I think of an alcoholic saying over and over "My drinking affects no one" OR "I don't drink too much." OR "The only problem here is you."
Denial. Drunken behavior is easy for most to pinpoint and see.
It is not necessary for me to have acknowledgement from anyone. I know WHAT I live is true.
I think of my spouse saying over and over "MY ADHD has no negative affect on our marriage." AND "I AM addressing my ADHD." AND "I do have my behaviors under control." AND "I am working so hard and you don't appreciate it." AND "I am on time 90% of the time." AND "I wish people could see what I have to live with. A wife who punishes me. No other man would stand for it."
He didn't come home on Christmas Eve to go to church. He has plenty of reasoning. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He doesn't help with any of the household chores like dishes, or cooking for everyone, or floors, or dusting or vacuuming. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He volunteered to take on the floors as his job - vacuuming and sweeping and washing. He allowed that to lapse.. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He doesn't see the piles of debris in the yards and oozing out of the barn, and causing our yard to look messy. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He doesn't shower before he comes to bed. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He doesn't get it that wearing muddy greasy clothes into the living room and sitting in upholstered furniture is a poor choice. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He doesn't get it that although I love numbers and finance, the burden of juggling the household and business finances is hard to face alone. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He takes over space in the barn that is delegated me to or our son, and gets angry when we ask him to get his things out of our space. (Because he cannot organize his own space.) "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He doesn't understand that while I understand he cannot control his snoring, it affects my getting a full nights sleep. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He wants me to jump on his bandwagon in the common dislike of people he can't get along with. When I do not choose to share in his dislike of them, he complains that he is not allowed to dislike them. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He is angey or frustrated at almost every person in his family and mine, so it is hard to enjoy family gathering if we go together. 80% of the time he just stays home to "work." "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
He does not support me in the way I need to be able to focus on my college classes. I need peace and quite and to be left alone. No I cannot just grab something for you. No I do NOT have just one second. Your voice is very loud and doing stuff in the same room I am in is rude. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
If I try to explain my disappointment with anything he did - he crushes it out with "If I didn't intend to hurt you, you can't be hurt." "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
If there is a conflict, he MUST have his way. Or he stays angry. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
Over three years ago, possibly the beginning of the ultimate end, I put up a boundary in my life and told him I would no longer be controlled by his anger. He got angry. He is angry. "I don't know why my wife won't be intimate with me."
Gosh I hear you. All I hear
Submitted by copingSAH on
Gosh I hear you. All I hear from ADD dh is "why didn't you do it, then?" or "you know I can't hear you when I'm busy!" or "how can I possibly remember anything you told me a week ago?" The problem is, he'd listen to what I asked earlier but he's 100% focused on something else and it's mainly his interests. 9 times out of 10 I hear, "I'll be with you in a minute, I'm really concentrating on this other thing right now." Constantly... I feel like my thoughts are never considered. Then the opportunities pass and then all of a sudden he makes me out to be the bad guy.
My son in not so many words said to me, "you should have just planned things no matter what"... and he's right.... I've been sitting on a few projects that DH says has to wait, but deep down I know full well I control the outcome of it. So Why Do I End Up Allowing This Nonsense?? It's a horrible pattern to be so dysfunctional and dependent on someone who has a deficit disorder. Are we/Am I truly that co-dependent that I cannot crawl my way out of it?
My add dh husband is in fit shape since taking his meds and I've all but turned into a physical mess of a person. I end up looking like the crazy one who can't even keep up with appearances. That's the rub, the disordered brain looks and acts perfect in public. The spouse is slowly deteriorating and it shows both inside and out.
DH won't plan anything with me, because he doesn't want to deal with it. No time is ever a good time. Today's trip to the baseball field never materialized. So instead, DH disappears off on his own for a few hours. It is 2:30 in the afternoon and he is still gone. I thank my eldest child that he has the ability to go out and find entertainment on his own, while I stay home with the youngest. I end up overeating and feeling hopeless and that I've let my children down again.
great. he's home and while he
Submitted by copingSAH on
great. he's home and while he couldn't make a decision about going out with us to the ball game today, he just accepted an invitation by the neighbor to watch a soccer game at neighbor's home. What on earth am I missing??
I'm So Exhausted, I'm sorry if I'm hijacking your thread or going off tangent. But just wanted to let you know you're not alone... am feeling the same sunken feeling deep in my soul that I suspect most of us that are here are feeling.
I asked him to explain how it is he could concentrate on his neighbor's invitation but not mine. He left without answering me.
ADD dh has also been recently diagnosed, and in his 50s. It's horrible, it's as if he now as an excuse to act like a jerk because of the ADD especially when coming down off the meds. Lately I feel I just want to disappear like vapor but that would be a selfish thing to do and I would never leave my children. But am I wrong to imagine if my dh wasn't around, would it really be that hard to move on to a better way of existence? Would I always be co-dependent personality?
No worries
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
copingSAH,
You are not hijacking at all.
I always get different feeling over posts I read, and just add the feelings where I was lead.
There are a few of us here, who I recognize easily by screen name, as we have been here, searching for THE answer for many many months. There is no promise, but there is always the possibility of a outcome in which we can live happily.
Finding the balance between being a fool, versus giving up right as the solution was in the next step, now there is the rub.
Planning
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
copingSAH.
I can plan and organize like nobody's business! I love to do it. The trouble comes in with my husband being part of it - in any way shape or form.
1. Little projects become huge renovations as he sees other things in the close proximity.
2. He has all the BEST ideas so things need to follow HIS direction.
3. When he gets around to it. . . . .
4. Why pay someone when he can do it for free.
Now, he IS very creative, and everything he does is done to perfection. He is very skilled and talented. I have yet to figure out how to keep out of a power struggle, and how to keep him from re-doing what anyone else has done, or adjusting what they are doing, or finding all the items needed for the job in the first place, or actually getting it 100% done. It all makes working with him and along side of him a not-very-nice experience. And just try to mention those nails coming up through the linoleum in the kitchen, sheesh, he excuses that away and blames it on the crooked floor joists. In actuality, he was told by the professional flooring man that he should NOT put nails into the subflooring because they would work their way up through the linoleum. But no, my husband knew better and said the nails would keep the floor solid against the crooked floor joists.
After a counseling session, I needed to wrap up an issue that came to mind. He got so flustered and cross, "How could you bring that up now after all the other stuff we just talked about." I've heard it all - he's too hungry, it's too late, it's too early, he didn't sleep well, there is no time right now, he just heard someone is ill, his brother is doing something he doesn't like, the sun came up, the sun went down, it's raining, it's too dry, the mail hasn't arrived yet, etc.
Doing something without him causes a major argument - all the way from accusing us of doing things behind his back, to purposing to leave him out of the decision.
Doing things on my own removes lots of the stress of planning with him, but it sure is not making for a good marriage situation. It is sorta like forgetting to wear one shoe. Everyone notices, everyone mentions it. Now I just say, "Oh well, you know my spouse."
It's funny how they know
Submitted by lauren07 on
It's funny how they know better than the professionals. When I told mine that Firestone couldn't get my oil filter off because he cross-threaded it, he would take no blame and claimed they were weaklings that just needed to try harder. My ex will ALWAYS immediately lay blame elsewhere when the fault is clearly his own:/
same here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
The blame is ALWAYS someone else. He won't take ownership of ANYTHING he does. But, if and when he does, it diminishes it like it's no big deal. But, gives the rest of a huge tongue lashing.
Dishing it up
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Gosh, it is hard to determine what is mine and what is his. He surely can dish it out, but cannot take it. LOL, searching my heart and soul, the problem lies in how in the world do I co-exist with that attitude?
And....
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I have read somewhere along the Slug Box thread of how hard it is to deal with one critique, even though 50 compliments came before it.
Yes, I have great empathy for that issue. Now, how to find the balance. Oh, where is it.? It is a great awakening when a person can get to that realization. What is a non-ADHD spouse to do UNTIL that happens? And what if it never happens? My eggshell walking has caused me to be very weary. And I cannot work up enough hutzpah to give the man a hug. And for that attitude, I am disappointed in myself.
I am just worn out trying.
Externalizing anxiety
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think that a lot of my husband's not-very-good-for-me behaviors stem from anxiety, that is, his attempts to avoid feeling anxious. If he doesn't think about finances, he doesn't worry about finances. If he doesn't have a job, he doesn't have to think about how he's getting along with coworkers. If he doesn't get emotionally close to me or our children, he doesn't feel much pain when something bad happens to one of us. Guess what? This means that in a lot of situations, the worry and anxiety are outsourced to me. It's challenging enough dealing with one adult individual's share of anxiety, but having to carry it for two is really stressful! The effects on my health are clear.
no time is ever a good time
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm So Exhausted, and some others have said this phrase, "No time is ever a good time". I've lived this for 31 years. There are so many, many times I've wanted to share thoughts and feelings with my DH, and the "time" wasn't right. I usually have to wait until it's a "good time for him to hear it". This is SO HARD, because WE as nons, have needs and wants and feelings too, and they don't get acknowledged or validated. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough to listen to. Then, when I DO tell DH, and it's a "good time" to speak to him, he doesn't understand what I'm saying. It's not fair. I've tried SO HARD with him, to understand him and the adhd, and to be patient and listen to all the "crazies" he comes up with, but I don't get even a small part of that effort.
If I say white, he takes the conversation to black, and vice versa. He has complained to me about anyone else in the house "assuming things", but he does this ALL the time. I wish he could understand some of the basic relationship ins and outs of FEELINGS. In the past, it felt to me like he was just trying to be difficult and childish, but now I see that he actually DOES NOT UNDERSTAND what I am saying, when I talk about BASIC RELATIONSHIP ISSUES.
I am exhausted also. I don't want to try any more because my efforts don't get me anywhere, and it's HIM that thinks HE has gone above and beyond. In our lives of undertreated ADHD, it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world.
I have found it very
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have found it very difficult to cope with being the spouse of a seriously mentally ill person. I don't think all people with ADHD are seriously mentally ill but my husband's particular combination of disorders and symptoms puts him in that category. I think that what makes it especially hard is my husband's denial of the existence and effect of his negative behaviors, on one hand, and, on the other, his and society's expectation that I will be responsible for his and our family's functioning. "Please take care of all problems even though I'm not admitting that any exist."
Rosered,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I am not sure about my spouse. I believe he is depressed. Definitely know he is ADHD. It effects him so badly, it is diagnosed as a disability. I don't know if that is because for 50 odd years he came up with his own ways of coping - and a lot of those ways cause social awkwardness- for ME, when I am with him.
It is very stressful to watch and interact with him. It seems his goal is to avoid any mistakes. Rather than just live life to the fullest and apologize if necessary when feathers get ruffled. I think the best way I can describe how it feels to me: I do not have the freedom to just live. I cannot ever express disappointment in his actions, or anger at his forgetting an appointment, or ANY emotion other that contentment. Why does he think it is up to him to be in control of my emotions? What a heavy burden for him to carry.
And he cannot ask for help. Wont. Will not. But he will voice how no one ever helps him, even after all he done for others.
Temple Grandin....A Must SEE!
Submitted by kellyj on
My spouse and I watched an incredible movie last night entitled Temple Grandin (HBO production). It's a true story about a woman with Autism who is now well known not only for her work with animal husbandry ( cows ) but for the accomplishment she achieved and how she got there.
The movie did a remarkable job at showing the perspective of Ms. Grandin from the eyes of someone with Autism. What was most amazing to me was how many overlaps there were for myself with her in some very specific ways. I literally related to her so well ( or at least the portrayal of her)...that after the movie I began a conversation with my spouse about the similarities in reference to myself and using the different situations in this movie as examples of the things I was talking about.
My spouse is a Social Worker who deals with adult who have Autism at times within her job and she has commented to me that she does see certain traits that I have very closely relating to her own experiences with these clients in her work.
For me there was even more to it than that. The abilities, challenges and reactions to stress that Temple Grandin experienced in this movie were almost identical to my own and it gave me a really good look at my own challenges and new perspective on seeing how others might see me as well.
To be fair to myself.......the character in the movie (or in real life?) clearly has challenges and a disability that far exceeds anything that I have experienced in myself and even though there is a co-morbidity of symptoms with Autism, I realize that comparing the two outside of the symptoms themselves is more like apples and oranges regardless of how they appear on the outside. Yes....they are both fruit.
This movie did such a good job at portraying the challenges on both side of someone with Autism and the fact that these symptoms are so closley related to someone with ADHD (me in the case of Temple Grandin )......for anyone who would watch the film keeping this in mind....I think they might be able to get a lot out it themselves regardless of which side of the fence you are on.
For anyone interested in doing this....here is the list of things that I related to myself that I couldn't do a better job of explaining more clearly than I saw in this movie. (in relation to the charactor )
1. Her visual ability: seeing and learning in pictures and through doing.
2. Her photographic memory: again related to seeing things in pictures
3. Her ability to see entire complex systems as a whole and all the inter working connections between their parts.
4. Not being able to filter out extraneous information, noise, sensations and sensory inputs from all sources at any given moment which ultimately caused her to become over stressed and a need to withdraw and regroup. Shutting out everything else to be able to focus on a given task or problem.
5. The ability to Laser focus to be able to carry out a given task and solve a given problem....and yes.....sometimes simply ignoring other people and their needs at the same time.
6 Needing extra amounts of time to do things and think about things first before doing them. Not doing well with being hit with something new and being required to act in the moment without advanced warning....and failing at things when this happens.
7 Knowing exactly what to do and seeing exactly what is needed in a given situation when it falls within the abilities side of things.... but failing miserably when required to do things outside of the abilities range which only creates stress.
8 Needing a stress release on a daily basis: Some kind of outlet for the overload of information and stress that is not getting filtered out in other ways which becomes debilitating without some form of self soothing activity or stress managing tool. The "Squeeze Machine" in this movie.
9 Becoming overwhelmed easily with demands and negativity perceived from others.
10 Clearly seeing the reactions and feedback from others, but without the perspective of being able to see yourself within it which only creates stress and consistently not understanding why. This movie does a very good job of depicting this from both sides of this issue.
11. Stubbornness and tenacity.....which can be both, a blessing and a curse. I error on the side of blessing even though others might disagree. lol
As I've stated in other post already...I'm not looking for defenses or excuses for myself which appears to have given me the advantage of perspective in all the issues that are being discussed here on this site pertaining to ADHD. I think someone with this same kind of insight from either side of a relationship with ADHD'ers would get a lot out of watching this movie keeping the things I've mentioned in mind. I think it is a must see with a really positive true life story to go with it.
I realize that this might appear like I'm getting away from the topic in this thread but I actually related the comments made about how it feels to be with someone with ADHD which.......is exactly what it feels like to have it all day everyday. The trick I'm looking for in all of this is a way not to share it with everyone else. That's the task at hand for me....that is my responsibility to my spouse.
We discussed the movie afterwards and both agreed that the things I've mentioned here are really relevant to us and our relationship. We had a very successful meeting of the minds while doing this and the movie really did serve in siting examples of the same kinds of things that we are working on together and I wanted to throw it out there for anyone who might find it useful too.
Take care.
jjamieson,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jjamieson,
I LOVE that movie. We actually own it on DVD. A really good book on the subject is called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. It is written from the point of view of a young man with autism.
You make a lot of good points. The issue is, my spouse will not get near to addressing anything that he does. He sees it as a defect rather than characteristic. I hurt for him that he can't get past that.
Iif a person is disorganized, then use the skills of someone who is. If scheduling is a problem, enlist someone to help you with it. Buy timers and alarm devises to help alert you to time constraints.
I see a lot in my spouse. My stance at this point in our 29 year marriage is I need to have him want to look at what would help me, or fulfill me, at least some of the time. Instead of him believing how unjust I am that I wont even give him a hug, maybe look AT HIMSELF and wonder what he is doing that he has pushed me so far away.
I do understand and believe that a marriage is a two way street. Our has slowly gotten so far out of balance, I am defeated.
Right now, I have yet to encounter anyone who can get past my spouses defensive posture. One counselor did tell him that the behavior he exhibited was that of a dry drunk. I had to agree with her. But, hmmm, we do not see that counselor anymore.
Today something else set him off. He gets off on a tangent of how I 'put up' with other people's character flaws, but am so unforgiving to his. I get SO very tired of having my choices and behavior compared in a negative light to someone else.
I got a job today. There was a split second of congratulations from him, and then he 'had to ask a question" about my relationship with my sister-in-law, and I ran out of energy focusing on keeping away from an argument, as he literally followed me around the house asking over and over - like a little boy prodding a dog with a stick. I told him that we had to just drop it. And he walked away in a huff, closing the door quite loudly behind him. (LOL, we DO NOT slam doors at our house.)
Literature and such
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jjamieson,
It came to mind that my life feels like the Disney movie Beauty and the Beast. Like the Beast, my spouse has a short fuse, and likes to control situations with his anger.
"The Emperor's New Clothes":
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"The Emperor's New Clothes": my husband is the emperor and I'm the person who points out that he's naked.
It's called the "Identified Patient"
Submitted by kellyj on
I was that in my family....the one who see's that everyone else is crazy but when they point it out to them they say it's you. They call it the identified patient because when the family comes into therapy, they are all convinced that they are coming in because of the one who isn't.the problem...."the identified patient."
The scapegoat?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
No, I do not think that is what is going on here. I do not blame all our problems on him. However, in his denial of any poor behaviors he may have, he may FEEL that.
I do believe he is choosing to hang on to a lot of pain from his youth and childhood. These things are not just memories, they still contain all the pain-plus-some that has grown over the years of carefully nurturing them instead of letting them go.
Oh sorry, I know it's me.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
LOL! I have contemplating this whole idea of the identified patient.
Odd scenario. Here is why. I VOLUNTEERED for years to be the scapegoat in my marriage. All our disagreements, were "of course" because I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I had eating disorders. After years of counseling, I learned many new skills for dealing with things. I think I have been in the position of trying to escape that designation, literally for 10 years. I do not need to be fixed. I do not need to be rescued. I take responsibility for my own actions, set up boundaries to keep myself from harm, say sorry when necessary, make restitution if necessary, and enjoy life.
Oh man, is it difficult . That pattern of living worked well for my spouse for many years. . I volunteered to shoulder any problems for a really long time.
I do not need to be fixed. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I do not need to be fixed. I do not need to be rescued. I take responsibility for my own actions, set up boundaries to keep myself from harm, say sorry when necessary, make restitution if necessary, and enjoy life.
Same here, and good for you!