I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 35. I have hurt my wife emotionally by doing something that really hurt her emotionally and after counseling and her giving me a second chance and things started getting better I did it again. More counseling and things getting better again and then I do it again. I hate that I hurt her but don't understand why I keep doing the same cycle over again and again. I know my communication skills suck and I am not that good at expressing how I feel. I have been told I am a doer I do stuff for everyone else and make sure everyone has everything they want even if it is not needed and have never done for myself. I am not sure if why I do the things that hurt people because I am subconsciously wishing someone would do the same for me? My wife is the most important person in the world to me and I hate that I keep hurting her in the same way time and time again even after I have promised her I wouldn't do it again. I am wondering if it is the impulse or hyper focusing symptoms. Anyone with some advise as to how to help curb these impulses please help me out
How do I stop hurting my wife?
Submitted by sfurze76 on 05/31/2014.
It sounds like you need
Submitted by copingSAH on
It sounds like you need affirmation that you are doing the right things by being a good provider/helper to other people. I think even for non-ADHDers, there may be something in the early upbringing (for instance a critical and impatient adult one is exposed to) that creates a need to be on top of things, to make things alright, whether it's necessary or not. It could be a case of wanting someone not to say "thank you" as much as letting you know that you are OKAY.
It's possible you wish someone would do the same for you, especially since you mention it. I do not know how you would control your impulse from the ADHD standpoint because I think it's not something you can stop or pull back on on the spot. But if you think you could pull back on the overfocused help or control... whenever you start to react or act upon -- perhaps you need to see if you can first come up with why you think it is necessary. Is it for your wife, or for yourself that you are doing this? Is it a need to feel you are right, or to feel in control of your own life?
I'm not sure in what ways you hurt your spouse, perhaps you are not giving her enough space to grow as a person? My ADD spouse has a tendency to micromanage me and it can be stifling. Your wife might need to also find ways of approaching you to stop you from overextending yourself -or- communicating to you ways she prefers to be treated as your partner.
Acknowledgement of the issue
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
sfurze76,
Hello. One thing that I see as a step in the right direction is your acceptance : "I hate that I hurt her but don't understand why I keep doing the same cycle over again and again."
My spouse is ADHD, and is still so tight in his self-protective mode, that he cannot see his part in it. In his eyes, it is all me, our son, his siblings, and anyone but himself.
Keep searching for answers. This forum has lots of information. This particular section is dealing with anger and frustration. Look in the other sections, too. I look forward to the day I can thrive in the other sections, and move on from the anger and frustration mode. :)
are you resentful?
Submitted by mariel on
It's good that you are thinking about this and not just being defensive. Do you think maybe you are resentful of having to take care of things / people and maybe hurting your wife is a way of expressing that resentment?