I have an example of something that happened between my ADHD husband and myself, so I'll tell that story and then ask a question. The last counselor my husband and I went to, told each of us to name 10 things that we LIKE about each other, and explain them. She was trying to help us each see the "good" in each other instead of seeing negative things. So, when we got home, I told my husband the 10 things I really liked about him, and told him why those things were special to me.
So, then I asked him to tell ME 10 things he liked about me. Well, he couldn't think of any, so I gave him a few minutes to think and he STILL couldn't think of any. I didn't get angry or upset or anything........but then changed it to 5 things. I said, "What are 5 things you like about me"? Once again, my husband couldn't think of anything. NOT ONE..................So, then I asked him if he could think of just ONE thing that he liked about me. A couple more minutes passed, and he couldn't think of even ONE SINGLE THING that he liked about me.
THEN, he got angry and stormed off, yelling that I "Put him on the spot", and "I shouldn't have done that". and he was angry the rest of the night. I was terribly hurt by this, because my own husband, who says he LOVES ME, couldn't tell me ONE single thing that he liked about me. I'm sorry, it HURT. Maybe it was another ADHD moment, and maybe I shouldn't have "put him on the spot", but somehow deep in my gut, I don't feel that this had ANYTHING to do with ADHD.................or am I wrong? Has anyone else had any thing similar to this? and being told that you put your spouse "on the spot"?
Same sort of thing
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dedelight4,
I can understand how your heart desired to hear something fulfilling.
One the one hand, my spouse can shoot off some harsh angry words. On the other hand, he does concern himself a whole lot in making sure he says the correct thing as an answer to a question. He feels like he is being tested, and if he says the wrong thing he will be in trouble. . Thus I never really know what he actually feels, unless he is angry and he just speaks as he feels - which can trample people's feelings.
He takes a very long time to sign greeting cards - he needs to write just the correct sentiment If it is a last minute thing, I usually just sign both our names. For me, the card I pick usually tells the sentiment I want.
Dedelight4, not exactly
Submitted by Standing on
He's never used that phrase, "on the spot",but his surly reaction has always made it clear to me that my husband reallllllly does not like having to say, "I don't know". I mean, he'll behave as though you deliberately set him up to fail and mocked him mercilessly if he is forced to utter those three little words. Which is why I stopped trying to have pleasant discussions with him about anything years ago. The only scenario which seems to give him pleasure is, for example, I say, "wow, that is some news story coming out of (wherever)" and he can reply, "i heard about it on NPR". End of "discussion". Never feels like we actually have a conversation with give and take.
About your list of 10 things... eek, I doubt whether my husband could come up with One either! Unless I had just baked him a peach pie or something within the past 30 minutes. Truly, i don't believe that my husband knows me as an individual. I don't think he holds a composite picture of me in his mind. In general, who I am to him really does seem to boil down to what I have or have not done for him in the past 30 minutes (or less).
I Do believe that he holds some image of me in his heart, but, from what I have observed, that only gets accessed at times when his hyperfocus switch has been temporarily deactivated. Times like these, i used to regain some hope... briefly... till that hyperfocus kicked in again. Now i am just sad.
Anyway, would be interesting to hear if anyone else's significant other is able to list 10 things.
Oh, by the way, i doubt whether he could list 10 things he does not like, either. Most of the time, I am pretty much invisible to him.
Not an easy question
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Hi Ladies,
At the risk of being considered sexist, I am going to respond to what you have written here by saying that what the counselor asked for is not an easy question for almost any man to answer, particularly on the spur of the moment, without much thought. Women grow up in a world of feelings and words. We are taught, and we practice, saying nice things to other people, looking for people's good qualities, being taught to do the polite thing, say the right words, etc. ADHD or not, men don't really have that kind of teaching (most of the time), in their upbringing. Nor are they mentored very often in what it means to have loving thoughts about their partners, or to find the qualities they love in their wives and mates. Maybe this sounds like I am making excuses for them. I just know what I see in the therapy room, and it is so much harder for men to express themselves then women. Especially in the moment.
My feeling, Dedelight4, is that he did feel "put on the spot," and with an ADHD brain's confusion and overwhelm, it was that much harder to come up with the answers you were looking for, and so he may have ended up feeling flooded, and that could indeed lead to an angry response. Not what you were meaning to do, of course. You just wanted some honest feedback. It's important for me to say here that I don't think all this means there is nothing about you that he cares for or admires. It's just that in the moment, he was at a loss for the appropriate thoughts and words that would satisfy what you were looking for. I, of course, don't know your husband. So, I may be mis-reading the situation. I just know that many men in the same situation would react similarly. And when they can't come up with 10 things, and then trying to come up with 5,just builds up more shame and discomfort inside, by the time you get down to 1, it's like they just can't see straight anymore.
I don't know if this helps at all. I can appreciate the hurt you feel in not getting the feedback you are desiring. I just have the sense that, in the moment, he just couldn't give you what you were looking for, having very little to do with whether he loves you or not. You may consider waiting until things calm down a bit, tell him you didn't mean to put him on the spot, and ask him if he'd like to give some thought to the assignment the counselor gave you to do. If he says he can't, then that would certainly be something to talk about in your next counseling session.
I understand your point. But
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand your point. But according to the original poster, the question wasn't on the spur of the moment. It was at therapy, suggested by the therapist, and then the spouse followed through at home.
This is spot on for me, Standing
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Truly, i don't believe that my husband knows me as an individual.
This is how I feel about my husband. I don't think he really knows me. At this point in our 29 + year marriage I think he has a picture of me in his mind that isn't at all accurate and is definitely not positive. I believe he holds on to it so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his part in our troubles. If I'm an ogre, a horrible person, it's not him it's ME. I know he wouldn't have one positive thing to say about me.
Oops, put that in the wrong
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Oops, put that in the wrong spot!
WornOutMB
Submitted by Standing on
Hi. As a fellow ogre, I understand! But he only casts me in that role when I express disagreement, which has been frequent over the past 6 months or so. During our earlier years of marriage, I fulfilled the part of Pleaser and Peacekeeper, mortified by conflict of any sort. I have my husband to thank for forcing me out of that rut.
One thing, though... He really does not seem to hold a grudge. If I gave up on pursuing those things with which I take issue, I think he would he pretty happy to live and let live. It is just so odd to spend so many years and still be at the shallow end of the pool.
The things we did for love
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
As i read from the different posts in this forum, mostly in the Anger and Frustration section, I see so many similarities, especially when I see how many of us spouses have hung on for so long and tried for so long.
In the first decade of my own marriage, I had often stated how amazing it was that we were in agreement on 95% of things. - it was the remaining 5% of things, those things that were important to me, that my spouse would not budge on - not even to agree to disagree and move on to Plan B, C, D, E, etc.
Thus, I had modeled for my daughter and son how to allow yourself to be bullied with anger into changing your own mind to line up with some one else's. My daughter is 22, and she is constantly jumping in to conversation that are starting to heat up with, "Hey, let's have no grumpiness. Hey this is Christmas/Easter/ Father's Day/Dad's Birthday and we need to be having fun, not arguing." "Mom, if you just wouldn't say anything, everything would be all right."
The strength of that 5% has grown like a cancer, and it has taken over my whole marriage. But, in his eyes, he is right, I am wrong, as soon as I accept that, everything will be just peachy. It will too, for HIM.
What have I done. . . . . . .?
Peace Making
Submitted by Standing on
naming doesn't equal feeling
Submitted by mariel on
I don't think being unable to state 10 things you like equals there not being 10 things you like. I know lots of non adhd men who could easily reel off 10 things they know people like to hear without actually giving a flying fig for the person asking. Sure he COULD have just named any old thing when it got down to a request for one thing but I think the fact that he didn't / couldn't and was so frustrated actually indicates he cares deeply about you.
Thank you for all your
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you for all your comments, and you gave me many things to think about. When I asked my husband about the 10 things, it was after we got home from our therapy session. So, I thought he might have had time to think about what the therapist suggested to us. This was also before he was diagnosed with the ADHD, even though the therapist suggested that he "might" have ADHD. At that time, he didn't want to hear that, and he laughed when the therapist suggested it. Then a little later, he was diagnosed officially.
You know, the interesting thing is..........that I have NEVER in all our marriage....EVER...put my husband down for something he's said. (Even things that have been terribly hurtful to me) I have tried to talk to him at a later moment after I've had time to gather my thoughts and not react negatively, but by then, he's either forgotten most of what he said, and may not even remember our conversation at all. So, anything I tell him seems like a brand new set of fact/circumstances. I have always detested name calling and "putting each other down", and have worked hard to teach that to my daughters as well. But, we have been on the receiving end of my husband's ADHD rants and "put downs". It's been very hurtful for the girls and I.
I really wasn't trying to "set him up" or upset him when I asked about the 10 items, but I guess he reacted like I WAS setting him up. I was trying to find out how he really "felt" about me, and I was telling him how I felt about him and what good things I saw about him. Funny, I still don't know the answer to my original question. I still don't know why he seems to FEAR my reactions. I am an easy person to talk to, easy to approach and I have never blown up in his face (like he has with me), so why he fears my reactions is hard for me to understand.
"You know, the interesting
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"You know, the interesting thing is..........that I have NEVER in all our marriage....EVER...put my husband down for something he's said. (Even things that have been terribly hurtful to me) I have tried to talk to him at a later moment after I've had time to gather my thoughts and not react negatively, but by then, he's either forgotten most of what he said, and may not even remember our conversation at all. So, anything I tell him seems like a brand new set of fact/circumstances. I have always detested name calling and "putting each other down", and have worked hard to teach that to my daughters as well. But, we have been on the receiving end of my husband's ADHD rants and "put downs". It's been very hurtful for the girls and I."
dedelight4,
Interestingly enough, I can also, with much certainty, attest to that "never." Character assassination of any sort was just not condoned or accepted in our home. Not ever.
I do remember that I shouted in anger at my spouse "I do not want to be married to you anymore." It hurt my own ears to hear that slip out in the heat of frustration. I am struggling to make that statement -"untrue."
I have asked counselor after counselor why my spouse reacts to me as though I am criticizing, condemning, plotting against him. I am so sick of it already. I fell indignant that he is accusing me of things I do not do nor say.
We have done so many communication exercises - Drive-Thru talking - repeating back exactly word for word what was heard - my spouse literally talking out load to his father or anyone else (in his imagination) to please remove themselves from our conversations because he wanted to talk to his wife who loves, honors and respects him. Saying after a comment : "Thank you for sharing, I will carefully consider what you have said."
To be sure, I probably speak more to my husband than anyone else, but I do not have this problem with anyone else - except maybe his siblings.
Hi DeDelight4...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Just now reading your post...
If it makes you feel better my husband could come up with 10 beautiful and flowery things on the spot with NO problem.
He's such a liar that none of them would mean a DAMN thing! The bottom line is that no matter how MANY things they can come up with and regardless of how fast, the proof is in the pudding. NO one can treat me this way and then claim they love ANYTHING about me.
You just don't have someone in your hands, that you claim to love, and then drop them into this terrifying pit. So don't feel too bad. If he had been able to come up with one or ten, on the spot, the chance that he truly meant them anyway would be slim to none!
ADHDers have NO problem lying! THIS question??? It would be no different...
fearing reactions
Submitted by mariel on
i'm guessing but my guess of the answer to why he fears your reactions is that it's because it hurts him when you are disappointed, let down, hurt or sad.
Fearing reactions
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you to all who posted. I've been having trouble with my computer, and couldn't post very well for a about a week. It kept wiping out everything I wrote..arrrgh. Anyway, I really thought about what you've all said about my ADHD husband fearing my reactions. In our next discussion, I'm going to ask him about this. Not in an accusing manner or judgmental way, but in a loving, matter of fact style. I don't want him to fear my reactions, and don't want it to keep him from telling me things. I've REALLY been working on keeping calm, even during the snide remarks, or him judging my opinions, or even "fact checking" me. Maybe it will give me some more insight, and help us open up a little more dialogue. Thanks to all.