my DH (fiancé) and I have been together for five years. All was fine and has been up until two months ago when we got him in to the psychiatrist to get his Prozac regulated (for OCD) he has been on a HIGH dose for like 20+years and needs to decrease it.. So she tells him that she feels he has ADHD and OCPD. His behaviors before were okay, I mean he's a successful physician, raised three kids alone, has his stuff together, lived alone for 20 years..
Our backstory, we met on a dating sight and it was love at first sight. We have been inseparable, he's the one I want to grow old with and spend the ret of my life with. His job forced him to relocate two years ago, so we got engaged and my kids and I moved in with him.
He starts Vyvanse 30 mg I think in May 2014 and by like 5-7 he's fading, tired needs sleep. Cranky. We are arguing all the time. I start getting weird headaches in June and go to the neurologist ... Have a headache for a month and they out me on Topamax! Now I'm crying all the time this med is along me crazy, I have no desire to do anything so I weaned myself off and told my dr what was going on. Without topamax I started having clarity again. But the problem was I was not myself and he wasn't himself so I can't even gauge the first month he started taking meds because we were both off. But now I wondered if my headache might be my body's way to dealing with how mean his behavior was and I was so stressed out? The dr tells him some people need a booster in the afternoon to get you through the rest of the day, so she puts him on a low dose 10 or 20 mg Adderall. This seems to help but he's happy at work and an ahole after work. Which isn't fair to me that he's at his best at work and turns into Dr Hyde when he gets home! The littlest things set him off, he rants and raves like a madman and says mean things. But then tells me it's not him it's his brain works different now, he can't stop himself from saying these things. Mostly via text and if I answer it provokes another mean response. He says to just ignore him and don't answer. Feels terrible afterwards. If he actually says something mean, I'm supposed to brush it off and ignore him and not take it personally! But how?
The dr puts him on Adderall XR 30mg during the day and the Adderall 30 mg I believe in the afternoon but it STILL changes his behavior. I constantly walk on egg shells, afraid to piss him off. He says I treat him different and don't love him anymore. Then breaks down and doesn't want to be alone and is afraid I'm going to leave him. I love him and I know he's still in there but I think these amphetamines are making him crazy and I can't rationalize with him. He says he knows it's him. If I say something he hears it different and if he says something to me, it usually comes out wrong and hurts my feelings and makes me cry. He has very IMPULSIVE behavior sometimes too, like we are on a motorcycle vacation and he got it in his head that we could make it somewhere in five minutes before a store closed. We'll needless to say, he made a wrong choice on some wet grass, luckily, and he laid the bike down in the grass and we both fell off! Luckily not hurt but it scared the S$&@$$&&t out of me. And when I asked him what the hell that was the angry Dr Hyde came out and was just spewing mean things again that I'm supposed to just brush off.
I haven't changed but I do shut down and get quiet when he says mean things because I'm trying to Avoid a confrontation. He knows we need therapy or counseling and is willing but reluctant to change his meds because he likes the way the amphetamines make him feel but wants us back
I'm trying to educate myself on ADHD and how to help him and if I tell him something I learned he may think it's dumb and won't even try it or "just because it's on the internet doesnt mean its a true fact" or makes me feel dumb for bringing it up. Or we have a disagreement because he hears it one way and I said it another. No feel like it's depressing me, I cry a lot because my feelings get hurt easily, I feel like I need something for depression or something for anxiety to be able to deal with him.
Right now I'm dealing with this.
I can't give him my opinion on anything, because to him it's unsolicited advice
I can't talk about his amphetamine because he is touchy about it, even though as soon as he started taking the amphetamines his behavior changed and moods changed
I shut down when he is mean and it hurts my feelings but he says I'm supposed to just ignore it and brush it off
I treat him different he says
If I do say something that he doesnt agree with, I'm picking on him
I'm supposed to change ALL my patterns and behaviors when the obvious and simple answer is he need either more meds or a different med because HE changed starting these amphetamines
We have a very hard time communicating right now because he hears things totally different than what I say and things he says to me don't come out right. We've only had sex like three times in a month now. He gets so engrossed in projects that he forgets what time it is, we've even tried,setting times like in 30 minutes you need to come in here and let's get a shower and something always comes up that takes him longer. Or he can stay in the garage for two hours and get lost. Or stay in his office listening to music .. The same music for hours.
thanks for listening :-) and any help you can offer is GREATLY appreciated.
sorry
Submitted by Sade88 on
I haven't been on here in a while and was just on to post my own story. I saw no one had replied. I can empathize with some of what you are dealing with. How many times has he had his meds adjusted? My husband used the vyanese for a while along with adderall XR but now he is just using the adderall. Nothing is going to "cure" him so some things you will have to learn to live with. But he should be able to work with the doctor to find the right medication mix so that he is still a nice guy when he comes home. But it will also have to be a plan that won't effect his ability to get to sleep at night. If he starts to have sleep issues, that will only add to the problems.
Sadie88
Submitted by frustratedinfla on
Thanks for responding. He's changed twice already. Vyvanse 2x day at higher dosages seem to e working. Moods are much better, no mood swings and behaviors are better. He just still gets so engrossed in what he's doing I feel so alone sometimes. We are trying to find a support group for him because he feels like no one understands what he's going through, so hopefully finding others in his situation will help him too!
Update
Submitted by frustratedinfla on
So the increased dosage helped with the mood swings, but it's like his best hours of the day are 8-5 when he's at work and I get the shitty, meds wearing off, he goes off into his own world part of him! my DH disappears off into neverland, I don't see him for hours and I go to bed lonely and hurt! He acknowledges he is better but feels he needs more in the afternoon, maybe so. He agrees his job get his best hours and it's not fair to me. He goes to the dr on Tuesday so we will see what the next step is. I told him last weekend that him telling me "this is me, you need to adapt" means I'm changing everything about me and who I am and how I act, and that's not fair or right as I don't try to change him and encourage him to be himself! He didn't look at it from my perspective snd said it was like a ton of bricks hit him but he was glad I shared! Right now, I am lonely, I go to bed alone every night because yes off in his own world. I can't communicate with him at all, it's like I'm speaking another language and he misinterprets what I say or he either doesn't know how to respond or says something wrong that hurts my feelings. We haven't had sex in a week, he has all these impulse behaviors, none which involve me or sex. He doesn't show any affection anymore, we don't talk much. This sucks! We have a new puppy so I at least have something to keep focused on and that gives me attention. And my kids and I have been spending a lot of time together doing activities without him as he doesn't want to go or wants "him time". But I miss the old him. He asked me last night if he should stop the meds. I told him that's not for me to answer because I don't want him to hate me for making that decision. I told him he is definitely MORE ADHD on the meds. And he's got insomnia or something or he just gets so lost in what he's doing but he's either getting 2 hours of sleep or 5. But def not 8 like he should.
Sources of personal change
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Hi frustratedinfla,
Something that struck me about your post is that you said your DH is "more ADHD" on the meds. My bf is saying and doing very similar things to what you are describing, and I'm being told that if only I didn't get upset by things then no problem would exist. I am getting the same message of "this is me, you can adapt or not." I think it's a way of transferring responsibility off of themselves. I can relate to what you said about how things being said one way and being heard another is depressing you, I am experiencing that as well. It makes me very sad that my bf twists my words and uses them to cause pain. One major difference is that my bf's ADHD has never been treated, and as far as I know he has not been on meds. He said he is going to make an appt. with a therapist within a few weeks, and I hope he does. So something striking to me about your post is that your dh still seems to be mentally in a rut of being unable to change and seems to be putting responsibility for his actions on the medication or you. Maybe he expected different effects from medication, which leads me to wonder:
Is your fiance in therapy? I know that just being on meds and not working through things in therapy can be challenging, and that they are considered to be most effective in tandem. When you said that the doctor said some people need a boost to "get them through the afternoon," that sounds like someone describing a painkiller or an addictive substance rather than part of a comprehensive plan of treatment to help him manage and improve his symptoms and mental health. It also makes it sound like he isn't responsible for getting himself through the day. Maybe he feels a lack of control and therefore a lack of accountability; you wrote that he said he can't help himself and that his brain works different. It seems to me that it's not just the medication that might need an adjustment; whoever is writing his prescriptions seems to be reinforcing the idea that the medication is responsible for his behavior, which might give him a feeling of a lack of influence or control over himself. It's a double-edged sword in a way. (I am speculating of course, but that is my impression from what I read in your post.)
I think one of the most helpful things for someone who is trying to work on themselves is the feeling that they can make positive change in themselves. I know that was one of my breakthroughs when I was in therapy for depression, and I see it as something that my bf is struggling to believe about himself. Whenever he does something that hurts me, he feels defeated about himself and directs that anger towards me. It is hard for people to be there emotionally for others if they are having trouble regulating their own emotions, and/or if they think they are incapable of change. We are going through intense emotions based on the push and pull of our relationship dynamics, and then when we want our partner to be there for us, they withdraw. It's very painful. But we are absolutely entitled to our feelings about their actions, especially when they concern how we are treated, and I don't think we should be able to "brush it off" and just accept things that we find unacceptable. What I am realizing is I can't be the epiphany for him; I don't think it's likely or healthy for me to think I can convince him he can make positive changes in himself. Likewise, it is unhealthy that he tries to convince me that I'm the reason he can't, or that his problems only are problematic in relation to me. All I can do is be honest about how his actions make me feel while trying to keep my emotions in check so he doesn't get out of control in return (which is difficult because I am so hurt), and try to be supportive. The is a huge lack of mutuality in this...I'm supposed to wall off my feelings and I don't receive support in return. I think my bf needs therapy so he can start to believe in himself more, and so he can have a roadmap for change, and also so he can understand how to address people's hurt feelings without taking them as an attack against him. Those are bigger issues than I can work out in the relationship. One thing I know is that I can't bear the blame anymore just because my feelings get hurt when he does certain things. It sounds like your situation is similar. I think one of the best options would be for your fiance to start therapy, and hopefully your staying true to yourself and your feelings will get easier if he starts to respect your right to have them.
Ditto
Submitted by hermione on
Hi ladies, I'm new here too. Just to say I could relate to your posts. My boyf is harder to get along with when he is on meds (short-acting Medikinet), as they seem to make him grumpy and humourless. Also he has a "crash" as they wear off in the evening, which of course is when we spend time together. He says he often feels anxious on them. I much prefer him unmedicated! (even though his ADHD symptoms are much worse then and he is more likely to lose his temper). He's been on the meds for about 6 months and is going for a review soon so maybe he can try a different regimen. His prescribing nurse suggested that he might take one or two days a week off from the meds, and that has been helpful. I've enjoyed spending time with him on those days, and it's given him a chance to get some R&R (when he's on the meds he tends to dash around like the Duracell bunny). (Btw, just as a point of information crossingfingers, I think it's normal for some ADHD folks on long-acting meds to take an afternoon boost once the morning dose starts to wear off).
I am also dealing with the thing of my boyf expecting me to adapt to him whilst being unprepared to adapt to me. This strikes me as really unfair, and more importantly, I'm just not sure I can live like this long-term! He is often off in his own world and I feel more like his housemate than his girlfriend a lot of the time. Right now I'm going to counselling which is helping me cope with the major anxiety I've been dealing with because of all this. We are planning to go see an ADHD coach together so hopefully that will lead to some improvements. We shall see.
Anyway, good luck to you FinF regards sorting out the medication issue and best of luck to you both with the whole situation! Fingers crossed for all of us..
So we went to the dr today to
Submitted by frustratedinfla on