I so badly want to tell my mom, sister, friends and coworkers about all the things H does like not going to work, lying about being at work but really just killing time someplace else until I leave for work and then coming home, lying about pretty much everything, not having any money to contribute to bills, etc. but I never have. I only tell everyone about the good things he does. As far as everyone knows we have the perfect marriage and there's not a thing wrong. I want to shout from the rooftops that H is an inconsiderate, narcissistic person who only does what he wants and makes promises that I know he won't keep. I keep all my anger buried deep down and have to come to these forums (and others) to let it all out.
Is anyone else dealing with this alone?
No, I don't talk to anyone
Submitted by redhead1017 on
No, I don't talk to anyone about this. My mom hates him and has hated him from day one, so I don't want to add fuel to the fire. :)
This is my safe place to vent and then take a deep breath and head back in, so to speak.
I love him in spite of all the ADHD madness and I'm committed to this relationship - some days I feel like I should be "committed"!
Everyone he's ever met (other than my mom) thinks he's the best guy in the world; they have no idea that he can't keep a job, has never supported me or his family financially, and is addicted to collecting stuff. In fact, instead of cleaning up the back yard that he destroyed two weeks ago with yet another started project, he's spending 9 hours helping his buddy who owns a junk store sort new shipments. In exchange for junk that he can bring home to his collection. He doesn't see anything wrong with this and I get tired of hearing myself.
I think at some point you just have to "let it go" as the song says. I can nag at him and get bitter, or I can just work on myself and be happy with what he is bringing to the table. I can't change him, and believe me I've tried. But these days I'm trying to look for the good more than the bad. I'm tired of being negative. I don't want to be that way.
They know and still blame me.
Submitted by codrdave on
I can't explain the pain that I experienced when my wife was finally officially diagnosed and gave the news to her family. All the calls from her mother and sister asking me why I don't make my wife call them more often or why don't I get her to church on time. They show up, create a mess of her few working rituals and I'm left cleaning up the mess. I don't even think about how I have adapted and just follow her around filling in the gaps she leaves.
I've tried explaining what ADD is and the ramifications of it to her family but it's like teaching physics to a dog. The dog stares, tilts it's head then barks to go outside. No effect.
To someone who doesn't experience this daily, it's hard to imagine as being real and often summarily rejected. Be careful that you pick who you will tell and realize they may simply not grasp the gravity of the situation. You will get told things like 'we all forget sometimes' or 'you are causing this'.
Now, I'm the bad guy in the family because I have become bitter and any attempt to protect our married life from their interruption is considered manipulation and control. Basically, they are pissed that they need to adjust their actions to accommodate her ADD symptoms. But, it's just blamed on me and never her.
On the one hand I love my wife. Minus the ADD, she's acceptable. But, the ADD is killing me slowly. I've tried therapy and all sorts of coping mechanisms. The only thing that works is large quantities of alcohol and plans to leave.
Good luck with trying to get anyone to understand. Be careful you aren't just adding more blame and judgment upon yourself by sharing this.
I understand
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I understand all of what you say. I walk in your shoes as well, only my ADHD partner is my husband.
I BEG, BEG, BEG of you NOT to go down the path of alcohol. DO NOT destroy yourself. That will not do anyone any good. Leave before you get into an even worse situation by being an alcoholic with an ADHD partner.
I know it's hard, but that's not an acceptable way to cope at all.
Sending H*U*G*S*.
Your advice is chronologically challenged.
Submitted by codrdave on
I'm already an alcoholic. Not the hard kind that beat people and lose control. You could live with me and not know it... but it's a fact.
Besides, my wife would never notice nor care.
But thanks, even you caring is more than I am used to.
:( :(
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I am SOOOO sorry. Do what you can to get out of the drinking pattern. I can see how easily it can happen. This summer we got a beautiful chiminea and really made the back yard look nice. We sit outside most nights and it's so easy to have a few drinks, few beers, and somehow he is a bit more tolerable. I'm so determined not to go down that path. I wish you the best and H*U*G*S*....I know what you are going through about being the one to blame. His Mom looks at me with utter disdain when I try so desperately to keep him "on track". I'm tired. I'm hoping I will make it to Heaven and at least God will say "good job...you did the best you could"....I'd never hear it from anyone else.
I'm facing this issue as well
Submitted by Sueann on
I left my husband 2 years ago this week. He hadn't worked or applied for a job in a year and a half. I was working tremendously hard (2 jobs) and he wouldn't even clean the house. I'm disabled so I had to pay people to do that. When I lost my job I couldn't afford to support him any more, so I moved in with my daughter, got a job and divorced him. He got all the furniture and the dog and cat.
This week I was told I needed something I left behind. (No monetary value and he can't use it) I can't contact my husband directly. I can't call him as he can't remember the password for his phone. He can't afford internet access so I can't email him. He lives 90 miles away so I can't just drop by. So I emailed my former mother-in-law and explained. She didn't answer, so I contacted my sister in law. Both of them told me how terrible I was for trying to bother my former husband. Apparently it's all my fault.
I still love him, I just realized I'd be eating out of dumpsters if I stayed married to him. I'm stung by this and don't know how to react. Like my daughter said, how long was I supposed to support him while he watched NCIS reruns?
I wanted to share I was able
Submitted by copingSAH on
I wanted to share I was able to slowly let others know after he was diagnosed after 20 years of marriage....
By that time, I was so tired of keeping everything a secret, I am sure it ultimately contributed to my blood pressure going through the roof, stress and chronic depression. Not the direct cause but it didn't help to keep a different persona whenever we went out. I think most medical professionals could see through the facade after a few meetings.
After the diagnosis and the meds were prescribed, I found myself sort of falling apart.... it was the realization I had been accommodating a lot of crazy making for so long. And just feeling awfully lonely even though we were always showing a united front in public.... this is where it's truly amazing... we play it perfect in public. I love when my husband behaves kind and considerate and respectful of my views in public. Even he has said we make a great team in public. As to why it won't work in private... I think it's ingrained in each of us, it's like a light switch. His neurology switches off, my need to not bring shame switches on. I know I was and am still pretty lonely. (I have made a friend in similar circumstances recently so we are buddies now)
But I'd say it took about a year and a half to two years before most of the family knew... and then my spouse chose to tell certain people on his own. I chose to share it in confidence with my closest girlfriends. It takes time, but it starts somewhere. It's rocky at the beginning, depending on who you tell, and who's going to spread it, and how it's accepted. Most of the family came forward and mentioned their own mental issues that run in the family. I suppose some become a bit reserved. Or it explained a lot as to why THEY felt at odds around the ADD behaviors unbeknownst to them.
All I can say.... it's a relief not to keep it bottled up by oneself. One can really feel on the edge of losing it when one has been responsible for the enormity of such a secret...
I have told some people about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have told some people about my husband's behavior. I tend to not dwell on the ADHD diagnosis because I don't know how much ADHD contributes to his behavior. If someone asks "Why do you think he does that?" I might mention ADHD. To the extent I don't talk about my husband and my marriage, a lot of it is because I'm embarrassed that he abandoned me and doesn't communicate with me.
we've told some people. The
Submitted by MFrances on
we've told some people. The first comment was, you can't have ADHD you're not hyper. Then we had to explain what ADHD really is and how it is different in adults. But they still don't understand. Mostly, like the other posts say, it is so hard to truly know how much it affects one's life and marriage. He forgets ALL the time (unless it's something he wants or does). He is angry. This is the one that was hard for some to believe me, because he is not angry in public, he is charming and funny. But the funny (or sarcastic which he thinks is funny) is ALL the time. And that's not funny anymore. I can't have a serious conversation with him because he cracks jokes or is sarcastic, every time. It is hard because everyone forgets sometimes, everyone is angry sometimes, and some people to crack a lot of jokes, but the difference is this is how our life is every day. Unless you live with someone you never truly know what they are going through. I'd be selective too, in who you decide to tell.