You all know the story by now of my H who won't go to his job but doesn't get fired. He has gone in once in 3 weeks. I know he has been lying to me but have yet to confront him about it. Maybe 2 days a week he simply doesn't go in and then the other 3 he will leave the house but I can tell from phone calls to attendance, his bank account and simply looking at his hours online that he hasn't gone in on those days. Instead he leaves and goes and has breakfast somewhere for a few hours until I leaves for work and then comes home, acting like he's been at work all day. He has no idea I snoop to find all this out. I am such a non confrontational person and I have been on the verge of telling him I know everything but can't do it because I don't want to deal with the consequences of him turning it all around on me which he is so VERY VERY good at. I don't know how to approach him about it so he won't either give me a sob story about why he isn't working (his daughter isn't speaking to him and a friend who he hadn't seen in 30 years just died, even though this has been going on far longer than either of those) or he'll make it into a game and say "Oh I'm just going to go up into the mountains and be a monk". I know he hates his job but he simply can't NOT work and expect me to pay everything every month while he sits at home. Sarcasm with him doesn't work. Do I just say 'Sooooo....what are we going to do about you and your job?" I want him to be honest with me so we can get to the root of the issue but he never wants to discuss really important personal matters with me because, as he says, "it upsets me as much as it does you to talk about it."
How can I approach H about going to his job?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 08/22/2014.
Are you for real?
Submitted by Karinda on
Honestly, when I read your posts I get more and more irritated with you. Just tell the man what you feel, straight out.
Or better still, just leave before you have a nervous breakdown.
Several people on this forum have given you a lot of good advice but you don't seem to even notice!
Sorry, just venting. Like I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Sorry, just venting. Like I said, I'm pretty much a doormat who wants peace at all costs! Too scared to do anything but just stew in my own misery for fear of days of anger from H!
You deserve something much
Submitted by Karinda on
You deserve something much better. I know it can be hard to leave a bad relation, but what you describe sounds terrible to me.
seek counselling and help for yourself! I did, and it gave me a new life. No man is worth being a doormat for!
Then you're 75% of the
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Then you're 75% of the problem. You cannot be upset with him for something that is basically caused by your own fear and own issues. I'm going to be honest, I cannot believe that you're AFRAID to confront your husband with the information you have about him not working. That's huge. You seem like a very intelligent lady...you have to know that he's doing it for the exact same reasons listed in your post. Because he knows you're not going to say anything.
If he threatens to go live as a monk...then tell him you hate that he'd prefer that over working a decent weeks work, but if that's what he wants to do you won't try and stop him. I found out once that my husband got home at 6 o'clock, claimed he had to work over, but had left work at 4. I confronted him about it as soon as I figured it out. I cannot imagine letting him go for weeks on end without working and pretending I don't know. That's not a marriage.
Finding the correct question
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
How can I approach H about going to his job? This is most probably the wrong question to be asking yourself. I suggest , "How can I get myself to figure out how to stop thinking it is my job to approach H about his job?"
You may want him to be honest with you - and deep down he may want to - but he CANNOT. At this point in time. He could someday. But right now, when he cannot, you need to step back and detach.
It is hard as all get out. Believe me. I am there. I believe what is deep inside my spouse is something wonderful. Until he can figure out how to access and express it, the marriage part of he and I will not work. That does not make him horrible nor bad nor wrong. Not does it make me horrible nor bad nor wrong. It is the hard task of looking reality in the face and accepting the value of a marriage is how it works to the benefit and joy and contentment of both sides.
A great quote i saw today is this: Getting upset that you cannot change someone is like getting angry that you cannot teach your dog to sing The Star Bangled Banner.
So I asked him when I got home last night....
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
"What are we going to do about you and your job?" He goes (as I suspected) "I don't know what to do. I'm all tore up over my friend who died. I mean I hadn't seen him since I was 12 but he was always a happy guy." There is no reason for you not to go into work for 3 weeks because your friend who you haven't seen in over 30 years and barely talked to on Facebook died last week! He is acting like he was the main person in this guy's life! Imagine if someone close to him actually died! Sorry to be harsh about it, but it's the truth. The he brings up the whole fallout with his daughter which happened 3 weeks ago which is probably why this whole not working thing started. Well you brought that on yourself. I ask him if he's contacted a counselor to talk to about it and he said that he had but she's booked up. Then he says "I need to figure out if I stay at a job I'm miserable at for the rest of my life and make $36/hr or go back to working on motorcycles"(which would probably net him about $15/hr and no benefits). Well seeing as how you still can't pay your share of bills at $36/hr and you need to provide medical and dental benefits for your daughter for another year it's obvious that you should stay at your current job. Then I said "Well you got put on light duty at this other shop for 2 months and you said that wasn't bad and you still aren't going in." He says "It's NOT bad, but I'm so torn up over my friend dying." No that doesn't make sense. He died a week ago and you haven't gone in for 3 weeks! I go "Whatever you do, you NEED to go into work in the meantime. You can't keep staying home and letting me pay for everything". He responds with exactly what I thought he would...a very exasperated and annoyed "I know, I know I get that and thank you for being patient with me". Being patient with you??? Where did you get the idea I was being patient with you. I'm upset as hell every day you don't go in or lie to me about it. Then he tells me that he "absolutely HAS to go in to work on Monday". Really? I've heard you say that so many times it doesn't mean squat to me anymore.
I stupidly say to him "So are there any bills of yours I can pay in the meantime so you don't sink into a bigger hole than you are already in?" He goes "No not right now. If anything I'm afraid of slipping in to a deep depression". Ugh. And I'm really tired of the mood swings. One moment he seems fine and nice and two minutes later I get the sarcasm and the hurtful comments. He says he knows he's been up and down lately, but why do I always get shit on?
And as timing would have it, another of his friends who was cleared of cancer 2 years ago looks to have it back. This guy's daughter posted something to that effect on Facebook but I don't think H has seen it yet. When he sees this he is just going to lose it. He's going to go blaming his job for everyone dying and hating him. He hasn't talked to this guy in about 6 months. Last time he saw him he told him he'd be down to help him work on his motorcycle. Of course he kept giving excuses as to why he couldn't come down and then about 3 months later when he texted him that he could, the guy never responded and hasn't responded to him since so the guy was probably upset with him and H has been all harsh about it saying the guy is being a bitch. Just like his friend who just died. He asked this guy's wife for his friend's address at the hospital about 10 days before he died because he was going to send him something. He never made any attempt to send him anything and then the day he died H goes "I was just getting ready to send something to him too". Really? I kind of doubt it, but now that he's dead you are all torn up because you never got a chance to send it. It's just that everything turns around on him. Like he is the main person in all these people's lives and he should be the most torn up about everything!
You need to stick with the
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You need to stick with the basic truth...he needs to find someone to talk to AND work in the meantime.
Realistically, he probably is THAT tore up about his friend dying, his estrangement from his daughter, etc. They take everything personally. They live with this major black cloud over them that says everything is their fault. Even if the friend dying wasn't his fault, they'll find a way to feel guilty as hell about it. I've told my husband many times 'not everything is about you' because he has a very unique way of making everything about himself. Like he's taking on the weight of the world for absolutely no reason at all other than to be a martyr. It's like they aren't happy if they're not unhappy or worrying.
You're getting "shit on" for the exact same reason I "get shit on" when my husband is not doing well with everyday life..because I allow it. Because I'm codependent..as I feel you are as well.
I am sure he wanted to and intended to and wished he had sent the package to his friend that died...but "I had good intentions" paves the road to hell for someone suffering from untreated ADHD. He probably will be emotionally slammed again with the word that his friend's cancer has returned. He'll probably feel even worse about not going to help him when he said he would. He'll add on more guilt and it'll possibly make him more depressed and less able to feel like he can function.
One of the hardest things I had to hear was Melissa telling me once that my husband, in his current state of being at that time, had nothing to give me and I needed to accept that and change my focus. However, it was the wisest thing I had ever heard and ultimately the best piece of advice I ever got when it comes to helping me deal with my marriage.
He has nothing to give. He does sound depressed. Make him an appt to see someone and insist he go. That is about all I would do for now. Push him to go see someone and stop being afraid to set boundaries. Him not working isn't acceptable to you and that's OK. He knows how you feel, if he continues to not work then you need to have some consequences..and stop being afraid. I'm proud that you discussed it with him and I'm glad that it didn't blow up. I know you've heard it all before, I know you don't want to hear that he's depressed, but you have to listen to him and take him at his word and see if you can't get him to get some help. if he won't, then detach and let his chips fall where they may. and stop paying his bills for him. You're enabling his behaviors and making everything 100 times worse. Then you'll resent him and the cycle continues.
Yay! You did it!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Mapper,
I really want to congratulate you. You brought up something with your husband you were afraid to confront him about...the thing that is the greatest concern to you...his not working! I really appreciate your having the courage to do so. And I agree with Sherri, he is pretty clearly depressed, probably for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is his conflict with his daughter. Though, if I remember correctly, he wasn't going to work too often before they were in conflict. I agree with what you said though. It was too bad that you gave in and offered to pay his bills. That gives him permission to not go back to work if he knows you will be available to rescue him if he doesn't, and the bills stack up.
Anyway, it is clear that he needs counseling, but then so do you. Why don't you consider going as a couple? I'm suggesting this as a long shot. I don't really expect you to take this piece of advice, but believe me, it's a good one. For the sake of your marriage, and your sanity, please give it some consideration.
Meantime, good for you for speaking up. And thank goodness, the walls didn't come tumbling down!
He's right back at the same old thing today!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
After I confronted him on Friday he told me he "absolutely positively has to go in today". Then yesterday morning he comes up to me without any prompting and says 'Yeah, I have to just suck it up and go back to work, at least be there for the next year so we can save up money to go to Spain and I can pay my daughter's child support until she turns 18". This morning the alarm goes off at 3:30. He hits snooze as usual a couple of times and at 4AM he turns over and resets his alarm for whatever time. I lay there quietly with tears running down my face. He has no idea I'm crying. He lays there and does these deep sighs. He's not sleeping. At 4:25 he gets up and leaves the house at 4:40. He is supposed to be at work by 5AM and it will take him at least 30 minutes to get there so he is either playing the driving around and having breakfast thing until I leave or he is going in late and using 30 minutes of sick time. I check the phone records and at 5:02, once he got to his breakfast destination, he called attendance! He always makes me feel like this time he is really telling the truth because he seems so adamant about it and it seems like he realizes what he is doing needs to be corrected but every time he dupes me. I am so on the verge of sending him a text just saying "Come home. I know you're not at work" but I don't have the courage. Then I have to explain to him that I've been checking phone records and then he'll ask how I know that's the attendance line and then I'll have to say that I look at his phone to know that's the number and then he'll be pissed that I looked at his phone and give me some lame excuse as to why he had to call it but he is at work and then I'll have to tell him I know he's not at work because I've looked at his timesheets online and see he hasn't been there. Then he will be so flabbergasted at how I even knew how to get onto the website and where to look and everything will be in a terrible state and I won't be able to go to work because I'm too upset and will just want to curl up into a little ball. At least if he just stayed home in the first place I'd know he wasn't at work but this whole deceiving thing is horrible.
These whole up and down mood swings are wearing on me too. Yesterday we were working outside and he was being very snide and sarcastic. I looked in the garden and I said "Oh these seeds are beginning to sprout" and he replied with 'Well yup that's what happens in a garden!" I went to pick up some yard debris and stood up and hit my head on the hanging birdbath and he laughs and goes "Good job hitting that smack on Sherlock!" Just very indifferent and mean. However then the neighbor came out and was talking to him over the fence and all of a sudden he becomes oh-so-sweet with me. He says "Oh Sweetie, would you go in and see what time it is?" and "Honey, can you turn on the hose for me?" I HATE that! I can so obviously see he's putting on a show of how much he wants others to know just how awesome our marriage is! Then 5 minutes later I was inside washing windows and he walks by and goes "GOOD JOB honey!!" in that snide tone and I go "Are you being sarcastic?" and he goes "Yep". Then 10 minutes later he's calling me honey bunny and holding my hand on the couch. Then in the evening I was emptying our recyclables into the big can outside right under the computer room window. He was at the computer and shouts "What ARE you DOING?!" He should have that phrase tatooed on his forehead because if I'm not sitting in the living room watching tv that's what he always says to me. God forbid I clean or mess around in the kitchen or go into "his" garage without giving him notice first! It's like he always thinks I'm up to something secretive. What does it look like I'm doing a**hole? I'm emptying the recyclables! I didn't say that to him, in fact I didn't say anything to him and just walked back inside. Then not more than a minute later he comes out into the kitchen and goes "Geez are you done in here yet?" What is your problem??!! I'm tired of being your proverbial punching bag every time you think things are just so terrible.
My heart hurts for you.
Submitted by Standing on
He sounds like my husband on steroids.
He does not need a discussion, only a few simple words, beginning with:
No.
I went onto Facebook this
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I went onto Facebook this morning, and I hardly ever post anything on there, but this morning I just put <<sigh>>. I am really hoping he sees this and it clicks that the sigh is for him and I know what he's been up to. The only response I've gotten so far is from his mom who said "Oh why the sigh?" Oh how I would LOVE to tell her!
I am guessing he will see this post, realize it's for him, then find some reason to be angry at me when I get home and turn the whole thing around on me before I get a chance to be angry at him.
ONLY if you let him. He can
Submitted by SherriW13 on
ONLY if you let him. He can only make you responsible if you let him.
Again you cannot be afraid to confront him when it comes to him not working. That's insane. I know you have to know how unhealthy it is for you to be unable (because of fear) to confront him about serious issues. Are you afraid he'll physically hurt you? If not, then you need to learn to face your fears and start having a say so in your relationship. He should be working. You're NOT wrong for being upset. You are perfectly valid in your feelings and concerns and he needs to know this. It is like I tell my husband when he gets mad at me for snooping...I didn't snoop until he gave me a reason to snoop. I didn't. I don't let him use this to deflect blame either. You did it...if you hadn't then I could have snooped all day and never found anything. If you have nothing to hide, then why do you care? It's part of the game playing. Don't fall for it. Who cares if he gets mad. Doesn't mean you have to engage in a fight with him..just means he knows you're right and he doesn't want to admit he got caught. He may never go to work again, but you pretending as if nothing is wrong and being afraid to confront him is just as unhealthy as what his ADHD brings to the table.
I realize just how unhealthy
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I realize just how unhealthy it is. Obviously by the fact that I can't concentrate on anything at work because I'm too busy looking up all his bank account, phone account and seeing if and when he's on Facebook and then trying to figure out how to approach him about it.
I am not afraid he will hit me. He may get angry, but he wouldn't hit me. I simply cannot deal with the verbal arguing. I'm horrible at it and give in immediately. Not just to him but to ANYONE! He WILL turn it around on me and I WILL sit and think "Well maybe I am just not seeing something" even though I know I'm right about everything. I will apologize for absolutely NO reason other than to keep the peace. Even confronting him about it on Friday and him actually talking to me about it and saying he "absolutely positively had to go to work today" didn't mean squat! He lied. I told him to please talk to me about what is going on and he said "Yeah, I know I've been up and down lately" and he is still being all secret squirrel about it. How am I EVER supposed to believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore?? I even asked if he was talking to someone about it and he said his counselor is booked up, but he said he KNOWS what he has to do--either suck it up and work at a job he hates or find a new job. YES! So you are waiting to talk to your counselor even though she's going to tell you the same thing??! What IS it you are waiting for? A job to drop out of the sky? Your daughter to magically start talking to you again? Your friend to come back to life? To win the lottery?
It looks somewhat promising today....
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
that H went to work. There's no call to attendance and there's a text from his manager at 5:42 this morning, a reply from H at 5:52 and another reply from the manager at 5:54. His manager has not sent him a text the entire 3 weeks he's been out so I am hoping he is texting him because he saw him at work. I am dying to see what the text says, although I am guessing it probably said "welcome back" rather than anything negative.
How do you return to work after a 3+ week unpaid absence and look your manager and coworkers in the eye? How do you explain your absence? How can he manage to expect any respect from ANYONE there...especially when I know he can/will pull this same crap again at anytime? I like my job but there are still some days (maybe once every 2 months) when I just want to take an unplanned day off and I make up the excuse that I'm sick or the car isn't running. I feel horrible lying about taking the day off and when I do go in the next day, every single coworker asks "Oh I hope you are okay. What was wrong?" I can't imagine lying about a 3 week absence!
And the thing is, even though all signs point to him being at work (he left on time for a change, there's text exchanges between him and his manager, there's no call to attendance) I STILL have a hard time believing he is there and am looking up his email, facebook, bank accounts, phone records trying to catch him. It's just a sad state of affairs that I constantly believe he is lying to me. Will that ever change?
UPDATE: I know I'm obsessing, but I just checked his online timesheet and it does show him as being at work. However, it shows him at one task for 1 hour and then a 1/2 hour as sick time and nothing else filled in yet. There sure as hell better be another 7 hours filled in when he's done in 45 minutes! I can't imagine why he would be there for an hour and then use a half hour of sick time. That makes no sense! And it better not be him coming home after being there for 1 1/2 hours!
UPDATE #2: Nope...there wasn't anything more filled in on his timesheet! Not even 7 hours unpaid time. Are you kidding me??!!! Is that even possible that he went in for an hour, took a 1/2 hour of sick time for some mysterious reason and then called it a day? There would be no reason to use 1/2 hour of sick time (he's got 4 hours left...why only use the 1/2 hour....and why use it from 6AM to 6:30??) and then leave! Amazon sent an email at 10AM saying that the return printout for an item could be found in a certain area. It was a drill bit for the peep hole he was going to put in the front door. He said he was going to do it last night but never did so I am guessing he tried using it this morning and it was the wrong size so he filled out a form to have it shipped back....so he was home well before 10AM. I can't see him doing this at work. There was another text between him and his manager at almost 1PM but there have been no calls made to or from him all day. All I can think is "He was fired" but that wouldn't make sense either (taking sick time and then leaving). I am going crazy not knowing what was in those texts and I won't be able to see until I get home tonight. Even if he was fired, I'm sure he would keep it to himself for a while because he knows how pissed I'd be.
I know you are all SO TIRED
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I know you are all SO TIRED of me talking about this but I just need to get it out there.
So it looks like via his texts yesterday that he was at work most of the day. The texts from his manager said "So it looks like you are here. Are you at medical?" H responds "No I'm at the new area". Then right before 1PM he texts his manager that he needs to leave at 1PM for a doctor's appt. and his manager responds with "Make sure to cover your time". He actually DID have an appt at 2 but it was with the dentist not the doctor, so not sure why he said doctor. In any case I am still unsure why he put down 1 hour of work yesterday unless he goofed and meant to put 7.5 but that would be an odd goof.
He talks to me last night like it really WAS his first day back. I knew it was but does he not realize he led me to believe he was at work 6 or 7 other days when he left in the morning?? I asked if there was a way for the doctor to permanently put him in this new area which he says is laid back with no drama. He says there is. I blatantly say "Then the obvious thing to do seems to be to do that so you can somewhat enjoy going into work". Wrong thing to say apparently! He gets all uppity and patronizing saying "That's the whole reason I've been off all this time. I'm trying to figure out what to do. That along with my daughter not speaking to me and my friend dying has just compounded the situation." C'mon! You've been off work for 3 weeks because you are TRYING to figure out if you should move to this new area permanently?? Because EVERY job allows their employees 3 weeks unpaid time to think about what they need to do after they have an argument with their daughter and a friend who you haven't seen in 30 years dies! And then how do you explain all the time off BEFORE the fallout with your daughter and your friend dying? His argument is going to change daily depending on what actions he needs to verify to me! Then he says "I like what I did in my previous area and I was good at it. I just can't deal with the bullshit that goes on there on a daily basis." So this is turning into this drama-filled thing. Get over it! I tried to get him to talk more about the situation but then he was just getting frustrated and said 'We've already talked about this" and walks away. Either suck it up and go back to your previous area and deal with BS and continue to take days/weeks off because of it, or go to this new area with no drama. I'm sure the new area will bore him in a few weeks time because it seems rather monotonous.
pressure cooker
Submitted by Standing on
There is a time to every purpose
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hi Mapper,
Each of us who are participating here have a need in one form or another. Maybe to share our pain. Maybe holding on to hope to find an answer. Maybe to hope someone somewhere can see some tiny thing we ourselves are missing, and that tiny bit of information can change our way of thinking and living.
I read your post, and wonder why you torture yourself by looking through his texts?
The biggest piece of "new information" I have from being here and working with our recent marriage counselors - one of those being Melissa Orlov's ADHD and Marriage Seminar - was the whole idea of Symptom-Response-Response. An example from my own marriages is this:
Symptom - my husband was late getting home
Response - I was angry - or hurt - or disappointed
Response - He got defensive
. . . and the cycle was off and running.
So far, the best I can do is try to stop that cycle in its tracks. I do not know if I am doing it correctly or not - but it is a new way of responding. Thus, my spouse is late, I choose an appropriate time to address it, and back away from his defensive rant. No yelling, no trying to get him to understand.
I am not myself even sure what to do with the new way of thinking. Because to me, I am STILL stuck in this cycle. Here is what I have:
Symptom - my spouse does not get home to go to church on Christmas Eve, nor does he call.
Response - I am hurt, angry and disappointed.
To this very day, 8 months later, I am not sure why he will not validate, nor acknowledge what happened. He sees that he did not come home, but he has every justifiable reason as to why he made the correct decision. And THAT is why I am at the place I am in my marriage. Of course he had no mean reason and DID NOT purposely say, "Screw her, I am working, the weather is bad anyway so it would not be a good idea to drive in the blizzard to try to get to church, and I want to get this job finished before tomorrow."
My issue is for my marriage partner. I do NOT NEED him to say it is true for it to be true. For me, I want to be near to someone who can at least understand my frustration. Or convey that he understands. I have run out of energy and hutzpah to understand his behavior. While he didn't purposely forget me, it sure hurts on my end to be alone on Christmas Eve. Thus, I FEEL controlled by his behavior. I comes across to me as "You CANNOT be hurt or angry or disappointed because I did not set out to be hurtful."
That just does not work for me. It never did, but I tried to make it OK. I searched and searched. I just find it difficult and unpalatable to be around Mr. Prickly Pants all the time. It can wear a person down.
My realization, much to my sadness, is I cannot MAKE my spouse want to hear my heart crying.
Yup...here we go again!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
We went to this pub last night where I knew we were going to run into someone who knew about H's friend and his cancer. I saw a post alluding to it on Facebook but H hadn't so I never said anything to him since he was already tore up over his other friend dying and his daughter not speaking to him. He finally seemed to be out of his funk and had returned to work this week after not going in for 3 weeks. Well we ran into his friend and his 4 adult kids. One of his kids told H the news. Here we go again. We found out he's only got 4-6 months to live. H took the news like he caused the cancer himself. The kids seemed to be taking it better than H. H hasn't seen this guy in 5 months and was talking crap about him because this guy wouldn't return his messages like 'Oh he's probably just being a bitch because I wasn't able to come down and work on his bike." Now he is beyond tore up about him. He got up this morning and sat on the couch for 1/2 hour and I got up with him. Now he is back in bed and I keep hearing these deep sighs every few minutes. Like he is pushing the point that his life is horrible and I'm sure he'll start alluding to his job being the cause for all that is wrong in his life. If I try to talk to him about it he'll just get mad at me.Two weeks ago when his other friend died he acted like he had the hugest impact on his life. Now he is making it like this guy had the hugest impact on his life. I am sorry that all this crap is happening to him lately, but he is taking everything way too personally. If he goes through another phase where he isn't going to work for weeks I am going to be so mad. Here's to a totally exciting 3 day weekend of him wallowing in his misery!
I have now found that I can
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I have now found that I can log onto H's online work system and not only see how many hours he's worked but when he clocks in and when he clocks out. He gave me his log in and password long ago so it's not like I'm cheating. He JUST told me yesterday that this check will be normal. He told me that about this last paycheck too and that was a whopping $50! So since his new paycheck has started it has been: Aug. 29 (8 hrs vacation), Sept 1 (holiday), Sep 2 (8 hours w/o pay), Sept. 3 (4 hours worked, 4 hours w/o pay), Sept 4 (8 hours w/o pay), Sept 5 (8 hours worked) and today Sept. 6 (3.5 worked, 5 w/o pay). So he should have 56 hours so far but only has 31. That's almost $1000 he isn't getting! I found out today that he clocked in at 4:48 AM and clocked out at 8:18 AM. I see via online records that he texted his boss about 5AM probably saying "I've got a doctor's appt at 9AM". I am so damn sick of this!!!! So a fake doctor's appt at 9AM and he won't be coming back even though his shift goes until 1:30. How often can a guy get away with having to leave mid shift for a doctors appt and not return. He has these "appts" at least once a week. He just blatantly lies to my face that this check will be normal and then continues to take days and 1/2 days off. Boy I can't wait until I'm gone on vacation next week! I'm sure he won't go in ANY of those days I'm gone!
Oh and I checked his phone when I got home. I was wrong. It wasn't a doctor's appt at 9AM...it was a physical therapy appt! Gee you never told me you were seeing a physical therapist! Oh wait, because you're NOT! So your "appt" is at 9AM and you can't go back to work afterwards? Why is it you manage to schedule all these "appts" in the middle or beginning of the day when you only work until 1:30 PM and have PLENTY of time to schedule them for AFTER work??! Why is it you can never go back to work after these "appts"? Does management not find that strange? Oh and he also texted his boss that he'll be out all day on Thursday for an orthopedic appt. News to me! Wonder why he picked Thursday to be out? Wonder if he'll get up and leave for work that day just to appease me?
I agree....
Submitted by snsforever916 on
I think the OP is destined to re-live the same drama...because she is not taking any of the advice that is ever given. To me, I think she thrives on the drama and babysitting. Sorry to be so harsh but someone has to.
Coda meetings
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper, it might be a good thing if you look into Coda meetings. I went for about 3 years, and it helped me tremendously. Coda is Co-Dependents Anonymous and they help people face being a Co-Dependent. I've read most of your posts and your husband acts and re-acts to situations exactly like a drug addict. I'm NOT calling him a drug addict, I"m just saying he behaves like one. Addicts will use everything and anything to play on your sympathies to get whatever they want....be it money...things...whatever..so that they can get their drug or alcohol of choice. (in your case, he gets to not work) I know how they behave because I've had addicts in my family and in my husband's family, so I know how they operate. I also read the book Co-Dependent No More Melodie Beatty. I think it would be an encouraging book for you to read
I truly believe your husband DOES play on your sympathies with excuses that are making him so irresponsible.. Many of the others have told you you're going to have to stand up to him regardless if he gets angry, certainly NOT abusive, and no one would EVER condone that. But, I think you are getting more and more unhappy with "you" because you're seeing yourself as being weak for not dealing with this. I understand this, because I did that myself for some years. But, by NOT standing up for myself and demanding that I be taken seriously, and by not taking action on MY part, ( (not the part of anyone else) I only felt worse and worse about the situation AND myself. The obsession of "the other person" becomes all encompassing because it's also a way to "avoid" change with ourselves. I'm still not where I want to be yet, but I've grown so much the past few years by learning to stand. I know you have the strength inside you. I'm not trying to hurt you in any way, please don't think that, I only want you to know that I've been there and it's possible to change things.
AL-Anon, too
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I have attended Al-Anon for on and off for many years. I first went when I was 19, as I grew up in a home with alcoholism. Doing a 4th step inventory has enlightened me. I am doing it again. Refresher is always good. For me, I have wiped the slate clean with my spouse. I have also moved over to the "Hope and Progress" section of this forum. He IS trying, and I want to be a help, not a hindrance. My focus will be on my behavior.
Liz
He had to take the WHOLE day off to go to an appt!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Of course he did! I knew he was taking the day off because I saw a text to his manager on Monday saying he wouldn't be in because he had an orthopedic appt. Gee, news to me because you said your knee was fine now. I was waiting to see if he would tell me anything about taking the day off or if he would just not get up in the morning, OR if he would get up and pretend to go in for a few hours and then come home. Last night he tells me "I've got an appt with my counselor at 10AM tomorrow." Hmm....so not an orthopedic appt but now you are meeting with your counselor? And it's at 10AM? Any reason why you can't meet with her after 2PM when you are off work? I say "So I suppose you'll be taking the whole day off then huh?" He goes "Maybe. I might just leave work early." Yeah right! He sets his alarm when he goes to bed and I almost said "Just forget setting it. I know you aren't going in" but didn't. He turns over in bed around midnight and turns it off. Just putting on a show for me by setting it! I have no idea if he really is going in to see his counselor or not. He tells me this morning he is supposed to write this letter to his daughter and they are going to go over it and he hasn't even begun. You've had this supposed appt scheduled for what, weeks now (because it's been 3 weeks since I see any phone activity between you and her) and you see her in 3 hours and you have yet to begin this letter? Obviously getting your daughter back in your good graces isn't a priority. Or maybe it's just an elaborate lie to make me believe you are justified in taking the day off because god knows it's impossible for you to work a 40 hour week anymore! He only worked 1/2 day on Monday and 1/2 day yesterday and surprisingly all day on Tuesday so he's OBVIOUSLY due for a day off! Anymore anything is possible with him!
And what the hell is up with all these 30 minute appts that he seems to purposely schedule for the middle of his shift which require him to not go into work ALL day? Why can't you go work for 4 hours before this appt? Why can't you return to work for 2 hours after the appt? He just told me last night too that everyone is getting a COLA raise and a 2% raise which will put him up to over $37/hr. Hell of a lot of good that does when you barely go to work! He has been looking forward to what he's finally making now and now that he has it, he won't work!
Aren't you exhausted already?
Submitted by snsforever916 on
......because I am exhausted for you!
He has zero intention of changing, being productive, addressing issues or going to work. He's a habitual liar and getting wrapped up in his drama is not healthy for you. I highly suggest you confront him because it's put up or shut up time on your end. Venting here serves ZERO purposes in your situation and is NOT solving the issues in your marriage when you clearly do not want to take the solicited advice and DEAL with him!
If you're too scared to confront him and his ridiculous behavior then I say you two are made for each other and venting here is wasting all of our time.
Sorry to be harsh but you two are a train wreck. Focusing on his text, call logs, bank statements, work log, when he's at work or not etc is just busy work taking away from the real things that you need to doing.
Well then I guess we were
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Well then I guess we were meant to be, huh? Two trains colliding in the night! You are right. I AM too afraid to confront him. I AM a doormat. I AM afraid of conflict. You are right-venting here does nothing to help me. Even if I went to a counselor, no matter what they told me to do to rectify the situation I know going in that there's nothing I'm going to do so why bother seeing a counselor? I'm just a scared little girl afraid to stand up for myself.
Well if you don't want to
Submitted by Karinda on
It doesn't have to be that way...
Submitted by snsforever916 on
You can be a certain person naturally but you can choose to be strong and assertive. It's all about choices and the determination to not be a doormat. You may only feel like a doormat at this point but you can make the crucial changes necessary. If you cannot do that on your own, counseling can/will help. Rehashing his day to day behaviors and failures to complete strangers will not either of you.
As much as the fact that he is displaying or trying to conceal these behaviors, I think in some ways you are HIGHLY contributing to his day to day depression.
My favorite saying is..."Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." You both are unwilling to change...so in misery you both shall live! Change something or nothing changes...You cannot wish it to change...You have to make it HAPPEN with ACTION!
It takes a special kind of
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It takes a special kind of strength to not fight about everything. He knows you need him to work. He knows he needs to work. He knows that you check up on him to see if he's working. How would arguing about it change anything?
He actually doesn't know that
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He actually doesn't know that I check up on him to see if he's working or not. He CERTAINLY doesn't know I go onto his work website and check his clock in clock out time! I told him I went on there one time to look up benefits a few years ago and he must have forgotten he gave me his log in info and he was flabbergasted that I was going on there. I highly doubt he realizes I look at phone records either. Even if he did he'd say I have no idea who's number he's calling (even though I do). If he knew I knew he was playing this pretending going to work he certainly wouldn't roll out of bed at 4:30 simply to go have breakfast for 2 hours somewhere when he could be all warm in bed.
actually, he might, Mapper
Submitted by Standing on
I disagree. If it takes you
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I disagree. If it takes you posting here for years before you find the courage to face your marriage head on, then so be it. I hate seeing people out a time limit on what we should do or shouldn't do and assume all of is are cut from the same cloth. I have no problem confronting my husband about anything yet we are still headed for divorce. There will come a time when you feel so utterly smothered by your husbands behaviors and you'll explode or leave him. Until then, please keep reaching out for support. We all get there eventually. I happen to be a slow learner myself.
LOL, Exhausted!!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
snsforever916,
Speaking for myself, I have been here and there and many places trying to untangle stuff in my own head. What's mine? What's his? What's old stuff worth tossing? What's my own self viewing things in the wrong direction?
All information gained by me is used to sift through it. I need alternatives, and suggestions, and new thought patterns I can try.
We, each and every one of us, need to find what works for us. I have been on this forum wading through lots of crap in my own life. I am sitting in a position that I am not too sure is a common one. I myself set many of the "standards" by which out relationship grew. I was an emotional wreck when my spouse met me, so near suicidal it was not funny. And he rescued me. It is what I needed at that time - but have not needed that for many many years. So, I am looking at what I had, and trying to keep the good and toss the crap.
I do not want to judge my spouse. I want to understand what he can do, what he can't do, versus what he won't door what he doesn't do.
I cannot force him to do anything. i DO want to understand what I can ENCOURAGE him to do. ENCOURAGE him to see what he cannot see. I hold on to my Christian beliefs. Some posters here are Christians. Some are not. What is important to me is not important to others. My faith is important. I took wedding vows that are a deep personal part of who I am. I am at the place where I believe what I can and should expect from a marriage partner is not being met. MY EXPECTATIONS. Yep, my needs. I cannot tell my spouse what his needs should be, and my spouse cannot tell me what my should or should not be. My own attempts to find different ways to approach changing those dynamics are why I talk, and talk and talk!
So, in an essence, I believe I upset the fruit basket by deciding for myself the standards I had for my own marriage were askew. Don't want to trash him, don't want to blame him. Just want to discover if what we have is a place I can live. No, I do not like living with an angry man. No, I do not believe all his anger is "my fault". May be at first. But after 4 years of intensely trying to back away from anger that just escalated into very uncomfortable situations, I have to let him pick up his part. I will not pick up all the responsibility because "I love him so much I will do anything to prove it to him." That just doesn't work anymore. Maybe it never did, but I sure settled for it.
It got me so exhausted!!!
Liz