So yes, Iooked at my ADHD husband's email--you would think I would know better--I always find something upsetting. And sure enough--two emails, one from yesterday and one from two days ago from a woman he met when he was inpatient for a week in the psych ward two years ago telling him he will always be the man she loved most and all she has now is memories of a few wonderful weeks. How she wishes she had tried harder to make a life with him and HIS BOYS. WOW. While I can tell you I couldn't care less what he does with her, she will NEVER get near my sons. She was inpatient for self harm, addiction, a whole host of sad and troublesome behaviors. How bizarre. I wonder what they did during those "few wonderful weeks"?? He had not replied to her and I cannot say anything because I should not be checking his email, but jeez--really??? She sent him a youtube video of Barbra Streisand singing The Way We Were. For gods sake.
Do you ever wonder if it's you? If there really is someone else out there who could manage your ADHD spouse better than you can and please would they try so you could have a break????
About checking emails...
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, Dvance. I'm sorry you found this upsetting stuff. But personally, I'd rather know what's going on than to be caught off guard, but it's still stomach turning material.
I don't know what may have been going on in your husband's mind, but I have learned that my own husband is so eager for admiration and adoration that I can see him inspiring someone who is less than balanced to write a letter like that. He may not have even thought beyond that point, or been interested in more, but living in the moment as he does, I can see him creating a temporary fantasy like that.
I also wanted to share with you something I heard recently on a counseling program for women with husbands who have less than sterling integrity. Basically, they said that if he has let you down/ cheated/ lied/ hidden info in the past, you have every right to require full accountability, including him making all of his email and electronic activities, phone, available to you. Just a different perspective. I do not think you were wrong to be looking! Take care.
i often wonder if its me. He
Submitted by Superdrop on
i often wonder if its me. He tells me all the time that I'm his "awesome' and he would fall apart without me. He tells me how much he loves me all the time. But just yesterday I checked his phone and and he forgot to clear the history on the laptop and he posted an ad on Craigslist in the personals. I no longer trust him, as he did this when I was at work. We are not married, but trying for a baby. I have decided that we are not "trying" anymore, he doesnt know yet. But I can't live like this anymore. Trust is shattered, and trust means everything to me
It's not you.
Submitted by Standing on
Whatever the reason, whether it's a brain disorder or personality disorder or a character flaw... what you describe is what I have experienced with my spouse of 10+ years: an ability to compartmentalize to an unbelievable degree and to NOT have empathy or even be able to acknowledge that his Actions do not match up with his Words. Such a flow of meaningless words, all of the time... none of them with any substance, none of them connected to reality. When confronted with actions, I get either denial or reverse rationalization, which he'll use to justify whatever it is he's done without admitting that it was Just Plain Wrong. He can never, ever be wrong. He always justifies himself.
I'm sorry that you have been betrayed in this way, Superdrop. I agree with you - trust means everything. My advice is to not get tangled up in trying to decipher what may have been his intent. Doesn't matter... the end result is the same. Fact is, any whim or impulse is likely to get acted upon without consideration of the consequence. I'm so glad that you're rethinking the wisdom of bringing a baby into that scenario.
thank you
Submitted by inneedofsupport on
run don't walk
Submitted by dvance on
Oh Superdrop--DO NOT have a baby with this man. I have been married to my ADHD man for 19 years, two sons ages 13 and 15. Do NOT I repeat do NOT have a baby with with a person who is actively looking for SOMEONE ELSE!!! WAKE UP!!!!!! I only say this because I wish someone had shaken me by the shoulders until I came to my senses 19 years ago. A few months before we got engaged, my DH flew his former fiancee in from New York and had her stay in his apartment and didn't tell me. And I still married him. What was I thinking???? I'm telling you--do NOT have a baby with him. When it blows up in your face--and trust me it will--HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE--you will always be linked to him through that child. I have wasted 19 years of my life listening to excuses, rationalizations, martyr speeches, accusations, reasons, versions of reality, but never reality. It's too late for me but not too late for you. Let one of his little Craigslist Cuties take him off your hands. Maya Angelou once said "when people show you who they are believe them". What more evidence do you need that he is not to be trusted with your heart? It might be painful now, but it will be a whole lot more painful if there is a child involved.