My (ADHD) husband left nearly four months ago. He filed for divorce in early October and served me with the papers November 1. Since mid October he has given me just over $100 for child/spousal support. I have retained an attorney and filed for court ordered child and spousal support last week. He told me that one of the reasons he didn't give me money is so he can rent an apartment. He is renting a room in a house now. During this time he has bought our son a new iPhone (and a tablet for himself) and had his computer repaired so our son could have a faster computer for gaming. I have a very small business I run from home and I am paying the bills as I make money. I am also substitute teaching which is sporadic and I only get paid once a month. I am late on a few bills but keeping the lights on at least. Some of these are our joint bills including a credit card and auto insurance. I just don't get it. He has money to buy and fix gadgets but he doesn't have money to contribute to the running of the household in which his son lives? The ironic thing is that one of the things he accused me of is being obsessed with money (because I worried about his spending habits ALL of the time) but he is making sure he is holding on to his money. The amount of child and spousal support he proposed in the divorce petition is laughable. He also wants joint/half custody but is blowing his money instead of finding a place to live. I think he will have a rude awakening when we reach mediation. I don't want bad things to come to him but at some point you do reap what you sow.
On the other hand, I have realized after 29 years that I could no longer live with this man apart from an intervention from God. God and only God could change the situation.
Dear Worn,
Submitted by Standing on
I can only speak to my own theory about my own spouse, who is also diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
He now says that he will not agree to any sort of separation agreement and if pushed to do so, he will file for divorce. His Choice.
He claims that he cannot afford to continue making the house payment, because he is now renting a room, but the truth is - he has plentiful funds at his disposable from his business, could afford to rent a very nice apartment and furnish it, and continues to buy himself His Own toys - computer parts, hobby items, alcohol. Again, His Choice.
Joint bills? No such thing. If you have always paid them, then they are yours. How do I benefit from taking responsibility, he says? What do I get? Another Choice to serve self.
Irony - I also was accused of always worrying about the money, because of his own reckless and impulsive spending frenzies. Who walked away from all that money? Me.
The amount of benefit he proposes I receive for my contribution to the success of his business = Zero. It's His.
More irony - for 10 1/2 years, everything I had was his.
I echo your words: "I could no longer live with this man apart from an intervention from God. God and only God could change the situation.' Indeed.
I say, let's leave the entire mess in His capable hands and continue doing the Right thing, by His grace, and by our Choice. I will not bow to the Self that's on the throne of my husband's heart.
Take good care! You are going to be absolutely fine and whole and blessed!
Thank you Standing for your
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you Standing for your words of encouragement. I did not know that you and your husband are living apart. I pray it works out for the best.
I reached out to my church this last week and was contacted by a wonderful woman who has gone through similar circumstances and I was welcomed into a ladies Bible study group. I attended the first study. It was like a balm to my soul. I so much enjoyed the fellowship with the women there. It made me realize how enmeshed I had become in trying to "save" my marriage. I had lost me. I cannot change my husband or make him realize what he's doing. I really do wish things had been different. I wish we could have gotten help as a couple. I hope and pray my husband gets help for himself at some point. I have to let that go, though. Right now I feel it's best for me to concentrate on God, myself, my son, and family and friends.
Thank you, Worn
Submitted by Standing on
He's been gone from the house for one month today.
During that time, he kept up appearances with me, appearing relatively calm and attending his individual counseling, during which he told the therapist that I am the only one with whom he has any difficulty.
Then he created another major upheaval at work, so I've been away from his place of business now for one week and I have limited contact between us to email.
His reaction - his attorney says they'll be filing for divorce.
What's changed? I have stopped making excuses for him and filling in the blanks for him. I see it for what it is. When he does not get his way and get it NOW - he destroys.
It's all so painfully sad and wasteful and disappointing and Empty, the way he chooses to operate his life, but as we have heard and read so often - it is his choice. He is the captain of his own ship. Not of mine.
It was my hope that separation could be the catalyst for him to look around him and see the emptiness, but he looks within and sees only more delusions and distractions from truth. I do not believe that he is beyond hope, but what has become abundantly clear to me is that he does not know me. I was only a convenience, an accessory, an extension of his delusions, someone who made him feel acceptable and eventually - an antagonist, one of those whom he is gonna "Show Now": He doesn't need anyone. He rules. I heard he's getting his name up on one of those big billboards in our little town. Oh. Boy.
Anyway, my blood pressure is back to normal, my days are filled with stuff that makes Sense, and I no longer have to explain to anyone the latest insane mess his ego has created.
This is good!
As you wrote, " I hope and pray my husband gets help for himself at some point. I have to let that go, though. Right now I feel it's best for me to concentrate on God, myself, my son, and family and friends."
Amen. God bless you!
Hey Standing....
Submitted by kellyj on
I just read these last posts of yours and it's like watching an old re-run on TV for me....I know exactly what's going to happen 5 minutes into the show thinking....she's so sick of all this Narc stuff as she said and I would be too.......what would help?
I have some concerns I guess so I'll just say them.
Remember me saying that you need to protect yourself and my concern about what was coming? ( the art of war , adversarial relationship and to forget about your husband ) well....the future in that past tense is right around the corner and that's the part where I was saying I was concerned about for you.
I want to give you some advise and I hope you take it to heart because I have a pretty good idea what is going to happen if you don't heed this one thing right now for your sake......I'll get right to it and simplify all the Narc stuff down to one simple concept to keep in mind to make it easy ( not in the most literal sense but in a scary enough...pretty close to the truth sense )
Your dealing with a 3 year old emotionally in a mans body and outward appearance. If you think about what happens when a 3 year old doesn't get his way and now put that on your husband and what the potential for disaster ( for you ) then I'd be a little nervous and maybe rightfully a little scared. Not physically from the sound of things...but none the less, the damage potential for you financially and emotionally could make how you feel right now seem like a cake walk. You're just now getting your first taste of it and there is plenty more where that came from which could go on for a very long time if you don't do something to stop him.
My advise is this; No matter how much you don't want to do anything about this right now and you just need to pull things together and adjust to your new situation and the emotions of it all and want some peace and some time to process....the one thing your not going to get is time. You need to act now and act fast no matter how hard it is to do this.
Your husband is already ahead of you and that's all he's interested in. You need to catch up, get legal help and advise and do it immediately for your own sake...do not wait!!!
That's it. I'm not a lawyer and every state has different laws but you need to do this right away and what ever you do right now....DO NOT let him know about it!!!!!
A good lawyer will take it from there and tell you exactly what to do and I would follow their advise to the letter and not second guess them out of not wanting to be the bad guy ( or girl)
Again...do this WITHOUT letting him knowing about it absolutely!!! And then do whatever they say.
And stop talking to his lawyer....period!!!! Not another word! Other than....here's my attorney's number and that's it!!!
This much I'm sure about so please consider this. If I were you I would call an attorney tomorrow and make an appointment right away....the sooner the better!
Take care.
J
I appreciate you, J
Submitted by Standing on
I do have an attorney representing me. He filed for legal separation on my behalf over a month ago.
Filing for divorce is my husband's response.
Thanks, though!