I need help to try and find out how to get something to work. I have ADHD husband who wants to be around the family, help out with our child but never has time or energy to do it. I am going to take his word that he wants to do these things but its ADHD that is not allowing him to do it even though I have starting to second guess everything lately. I found the couples worksheet to work on, went on a 10 day vacation to work on it, decided before we went that the most important goal of the trip was to get that one thing done, reminded him almost everyday but the only time he could work on it was on the flight back because i was mad after 10 days of not getting it done. Since coming home, it is sitting on a table. I reminded him to create scaffolding to achieve it but it always has been some distraction or his "i will do it" which means it will never get done. I call him 3 times in the evening as a reminder for him to come home but none of those are taken seriously and he will not leave until i am either mad or dying. His parents are here for a month (cant say anything there because its the culture) and i have been asking him for a word that would make sure that i can break his attention in a way where it doesn't seem that I am an angry irritating bitch and their son's life is hell. They know about ADHD but do not believe in it and to them its my fault. Their son was a gem with no issues before he met me. Anyways, I don't have that word yet I am 100% committed to make it work and work with him but doesnt seem that there is any reciprocation. Yesterday, he was tired at 8:00 PM to talk to me but not tired enough because he came to bed at midnight. I tried to talk to him then, his reaction was that both of us are tired and not in the best mood to talk and we should talk in the morning. Spent 45 minutes to wake him up this morning but he wont. As everyone else, I do everything around the house from bills to everything about our child, the dog, and I cant get mad at anything he does even if it is scratching my dream car (which i waited for 15 years to buy) the week we buy it and ofcourse he is not going to do anything to fix it. He has the best intentions but no action. I want to help him and work with him but i dont know for how long can this go on as only one side pushing. Do you have anything that has worked for you?
Nothing seems to be working
Submitted by wrestlingwithghost on 08/02/2016.
Hi Wrestling,
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi Wrestling,
Honestly - there is nothing *you* can do for this. he has to want to do it for himself and his family. And he either will find it worth it or he want, but you cannot make anything happen. I wish you the best and I wish that I had something better to tell you. But it sure sounds like a very tough situation. I dont think I would be able to pretend things were OK with his family, culture or not. ADHD is serious, and needs aknowledgement and treatment, and skirting around it isnt going to do anything but reinforce bad ideas.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
*EDIT* I also would encourage you to read Melissa's book, for at least being able to set your boundries (sounds like maybe you have none at the moment), and set real consiquences for his actions. There is no reason why YOU should be made to suffer because of his actions. If he doesnt want his family to think he is the problem, then he needs to not be the problem. Protect yourself, make sure that things that directly affect you are secure (make sure you have electricity, heat, food, shelter etc), and then let him make his own mistakes and suffer the consiquences. He scratched your car - you need to give him the bill to fix it. Its not right for someone to float through life and never face up to the messes they make. Its not how it works.
-S
Thank you S!
Submitted by wrestlingwithghost on
Thank you! You are right, we don't have set boundaries and consequences. We have tried to talk about it a couple times but he gets defensive and doesn't like to be treated as a child and says that he will fix it himself. He has tools and constantly works on finding new to help him but we are just not getting anywhere. I am sure I am missing something and so I will read that part to make sure we apply it correctly.
About the family part, its temporary (they will go back in a month) and its not his fault. He has tried to explain it to them but hasn't been able to make them understand. Also, money is not an issue here. He will happily pay for it. He also said that he will go fix it but when it will be done is a question. I am frustrated that it will sit there until I lose my patience and I will go get it fixed :-( ** I re-read my post and sorry that it was misleading when I said he wont do anything to get it fixed. I need to re-read when I am not frustrated to see how it sounds**
I do. . . .and it took a long time to start to do it
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
wrestlingwithghost,
Hello, I read your post. Here is what I heard you say:
Your question was, "Do you have anything that has worked for you?"
I guess I would have to know what you want to accomplish? You will not be able to force him to get that list done. You will not be able to force him to do anything around the house. You will not be able to force him to pay the bills. You will not be able to force him to take care of your child. You will not be able to force him to take care of your dog. You will not be able to force him to wake up. You will not be able to force him to want your help.
The first thing you may want to think about trying is "Stop pushing him."
Is anything you mentioned fair - - -or correct - - - - -or how a healthy relationship works? I would say , no. It really does take 2 people who want to make a healthy relationship. It will be one sided as long as you keep pushing. And until he chooses to find someone to keep him accountable to what he says he will do. That person probably can't be you, since that dynamic has not worked to this date in time.
That is a place to start.
Very truly,
Liz
Liz - I would like to hear your story and learn
Submitted by wrestlingwithghost on
I will respond soon
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello,
I am currently wrapped up with working at our local county fair. I will have better time this weekend to take the time to write a well thought out response.
I love working the fair. The one downside is for 16 days, I have a very small amount of free time each day.
With sincerity,
Liz
Thank you Liz - take your time
Submitted by wrestlingwithghost on
Appreciate your help!
Good-Bye County Fair, Hello Fall Semester of college
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
wrestlingwithghost,
As of right now, I am 56, married 31 years, the things that I am doing are:
Going to college and letting my spouse handle his own ADHD brain.
What I know for sure, with certainty - in the late 1980s to the early 1990 - for 10 years - my eating disorders had an affect on my marriage. We were clearly focused on them, yet had no clue then about ADHD. Oh, it was there. We were just oblivious.
We know now. My spouse's ADHD had and has an affect on my marriage.
Neither anorexia, nor bulimia, nor ADHD were the cause of our problems. All of our emotional baggage had an affect on our lives. There was alcoholism in both of our childhoods. I did not receive much if any approval for being myself when I was a child. My spouse did not either, and his life was compounded by critical disapproval.
I overcame my eating disorders. I have been part of Al-Anon for 30 some years. I am working on me. My spouse is working on his own life.
When it comes to being a stellar example of a marriage that works well with an ADHD spouse and a Non-ADHD spouse, we are not in the running.
I can tell my spouse what I feel and how it affects me. He has to decide if he wants to hear it, accept it and do anything about it. It is not about me manipulating the situation by my emotions. It is about me being aware of how I feel and what I choose to do about it in any given time or situation. And what situations I choose to participate. If it is flavored with anger and hostility, I choose to disengage and walk away.
It is a continuing work in progress. It is hard.
Very truly,
Liz