I'm the spouse without ADHD and my husband does have ADHD. Our second child is now 6 months old and I am struggling with and engaged in therapy for postpartum anxiety and depression, but don't feel as though I have an outlet to speak to my husband about it. For example, I can be in a clearly non-functional state, curled up on the floor bawling, and my husband will try to comfort me, but get frustrated and leave because I am "ignoring him" or not responding in a manner he thinks I should. Or if I need to vent/talk through how incredibly overwhelmed I feel, I don't get any answer, comfort, or support. Instead I usually end up being the one apologizing in an attempt to re-open the lines of communication because his response is to be defensive or stonewall.
So I guess my question is how do you deal with an ADHD partner when you yourself are in crisis?
First and most important, I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am so sorry you are going
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am am the non adhd spouse, and it's been my experience with my husband, who is dealing with more than just adhd, completely and utterly fails me in a crisis. He doesn't even try to comfort me. In fact, I experienced to very significant deaths in the past 5 years, and his response to both was tell me he was leaving me because he couldn't handle being a husband. His mother had to tell him to hug me one night when I was crying about my own mother, one week before she died. Everything has to be about him, so I don't even get a chance to really grieve my lossess because I have to focus so hard on helping him and saving our marriage.
i think everyone is very different. And I commend your husband for at least attempting. It seems maybe ther is just some misunderstanding of communication? Maybe a good therapist can help your husband understand what it is you are going through and guide him through ways of being able to respond to your needs better? Is he willing to get help? Perhaps both of you approach it as a team effort since your family is at stake, and you ARE echothers family. Something my husband never understood.
i will say that my husband is leaving and I will be filing for divorce shortly, so I don't have any experience In Success here. But I know that success and reconciliation and building a solid, loving marriage is absolutely possible with an ADHD spouse. Get help.... Any help you can find. Read Melissa's book and see if he will read it with you. Empower yourself with knowledge and learn for yourself how to handle the .... Complexities of being married to an adhd man.
I hope hope that things will work out, and I am sending you positive wishes for a fast and full recovery from the postpartum. <3
I've been in your shoes and I
Submitted by Shalott on
I've been in your shoes and I am so sorry. I battled post-partum depression after both my children were born, but the second time was much worse than the first, so bad that in hindsight I probably should have been professionally treated and medicated. He did step up to help with the baby when I was unable to get out of bed, mostly during the night shift, but he held it against me later, saying that he "did everything" for our second child, even though he went to work every day and didn't arrive home until after 7 pm each night. As for dealing with my ADHD partner when I am in crisis, it's simple: I don't. I bear it alone and I try my best to comfort myself, and if I need more I vent to my mother or a close friend. When my grandmother died 16 years ago, I was understandably upset and grieving. He was baffled and didn't understand why I was so upset because "she lives far away and you don't see her or even talk about her." She did live 700 miles away, but of course I loved her despite the distance. She was my grandmother! He never said he was sorry or tried to hug or comfort me, and didn't understand why I wanted to attend the funeral.
If you can, find a therapist to talk to to help get you through this. Use your support system, family and close friends, if you have one. I know how dark the post-partum journey can be. I will keep a good thought for you, spousewoadhd.
**ETA: I didn't read carefully enough and I see that you are in therapy. Good for you!**