My husband is a total addict to video games. He will of course deny it, but i know it's true and I am sure he knows it deep down inside too. At one point, he played World of Warcraft. It totally consumed his life. He walked away from it a few times, once even telling me he could finally see how toxic it was to his life. He put that game in front of everyone including his daughter. He finally stopped playing a few years ago, moving on to another game called Star Wars the Old Republic. He lost control with that one too. He says over and over he is done with World of Warcraft...and yet he has been spending a lot of time watching videos about it. Which means he is wanting to play again. He doesn't think I understand this about him, and maybe he cannot see it in himself as he lives in denial about most everything.
I found a resource for people who have gaming addictions, which can be worse that chemical addictions.
whats amazing in got me is reading the spouse,significant other forum is how similar so many of their stories are to my own experience and from what I have read here. Esspecially about the addicted spouses accusations to the spouse who isn't gaming as being controlling and manipulative... The whole time trying to rationalize their neglectful and harmful behavior to their families. I swear it was like reading my own husbands words to me.
I am just so sick of the games. It's amazing to me to see people who are so blind to their own actions justify their addictive behavior. If my husband said the same things about cocaine or alcohol it would be clear to anyone, but because it's Wow or any other game people just think it's no big deal. At least until the person they invested all their emotion and love into looks them in the eyes and says that a game is more imortant to them than their marriage or their spouse. How sick is that?
I should note that as far as
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I should note that as far as I know, other than going to the wow server and watching videos, he has NOT done anything else WoW related. I know this all triggered from the movie that came out. I dreaded it because I knew it would do that to him. He saw the movie 2 times. I would have gone with him the fire time if my dog had not become so ill. I don't mind that he went, and in don't even mind an occasional vid view. But I guess all my previous resentments about all that shit I went through because of that dumb game are coming out now that things have become what they are.
Video Games....Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
A freind of mine almost got divorced because his wife was so into the online game "Vision Quest". She would play it for 18 hours straight and for weeks on end. He said...he had heard it called "Cocaine Quest"....as it was referred to as...
Just reminded of it....when you mentioned Cocaine in association with addictions and video games. I'm thinking your H is not alone by any means from the sound of it?
I hate video games personally.....they bore me to tears!!!! lol But I'm old....I think I missed my window for that one. Maybe a good thing too:)
(even though I had my chance with Cocaine back in the day and it never grabbed me either...just made me feel kind of clear headed????? lol (late 70's and early 80's)....go figure?)
J
Gaming widow
Submitted by Dipity on
Oh I hear you! Gaming widow to whatever game takes his fancy. At the moment it's a game on his phone. A marvel super hero one.
Rather upsetting that a game comes before us, but then so does his addiction to weed so it's not something of a surprise.
Hard to remain positive when something so banal as a game seems more interesting than making memories with family or sex with your wife!
I just wont take it anymore.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I just wont take it anymore. I refuse it. I will not be treated second to any game ever again. I think its a very rude, disrespectful and crappy thing to do to your spouse, and something I would NEVER do. Hell - I dont even put my JOB in front of him. It doesnt matter in my case I guess, he is leaving, and i am ok with it. he is going to be with his true love (himself) and all that entails - endless hours chain smoking and playing his game. And I doubt that there will ever be another thought directed to me, and our life together. Even typing that guts me, but I have to accept the inevitable - according to HIM. Because in the end, I cannot choose to make him do anything he doesnt want to do. And what he "wants" at the moment always overrides any goals or long term ideas he ever has. And right now- what he wants isnt me, what he wants isnt improving himself.
It's not the games, it's the brain
Submitted by Shalott on
I have tried several times to comment but I can't find the right words and I end up rambling and deleting my post. I'm going to try again. Apologies if I end up rambling anyway. Video games can be a fun diversion. I would be a liar if I said I don't enjoy them. H really loves video games, so much so that he made them a career. He started out animating and now is a game designer, and luckily they have been a great career for him. He's very engaged in his job and that means money so we can live our lives. And, of course, they are in our house in ample supply. I don't have a problem with that part of it. Lots of people have them in their homes for their kids. We just happen to be an adult couple who also enjoys playing them. I won't apologize for gaming and I won't demonize it. It has put food on our table for nearly 20 years and it has given me a welcome escape from the loneliness and sadness in my marriage, just like any good book or TV series or movie could do.
But. I have rules for myself and rules for my kids. No playing games until your work (homework, housework, etc.) is done. No playing games for hours on end. No mature games until after 9 pm when the kids are in bed. These are reasonable rules to follow, except we don't all follow them. H has stated that because he is a grown-up, he can play what he wants when he wants for as long as he wants. Does it interfere with his job? Not really. He does take a ton of "gaming" breaks, the way other people take coffee or smoke breaks, while he is working, but when you work from 11am to 2am every single day, including weekends, I guess you'd want a bunch of breaks. In the past, when our 12 year old was 8, H played Assassin's Creed in front of her. I wasn't home when this happened, and when I found out I was livid. H got very defensive and said it was fine because he covered our daughter's eyes every time he had to assassinate anyone.
H has very poor self-control. If he wants something, he gets it. If he wants ice cream at midnight, he'll find a store that is open and bring ice cream home to eat. If he wants to play a game that involves murdering people for hire, he will play it no matter who is in the room. This is a difficult model to fight, especially for my 12 year old ADHD-diagnosed daughter. In true tween fashion, she sees her self as practically a teen, which is practically an adult, so why shouldn't she be allowed to play games on her tablet in her room all day? Dad does it.
I rarely play any games during the day. Since the game I primarily play is mature, I don't play it until after the kids are in bed, typically 9 pm. I will play the occasional family game during the day with my youngest, but mostly I play at night and alone. H bought me this game for Christmas two years ago. I didn't ask for it or even know it existed, but he said I would like it. He was right, and since he was working late every weeknight (until midnight usually) when he got it for me. I played it every night after the kids went to bed. I was alone and I am not a big TV watcher, so why not? Now that he has started his own business and is home all day every day, he has a problem with me playing this game. He said that I am addicted to it. Even though he plays whenever he wants, even though he will finish a game rather than join us upstairs for dinner on time, even though he has left me right after being intimate to resume playing video games, I am the one who is addicted because I spend two hours a night enjoying something he gets to do whenever he wants without any justification. It's maddening.
no mature games in front of kids
Submitted by dancermom on
Another thing to be grateful for - my husband never plays mature games in front of kids. Never has. Right now, every evidence of self control or effort my husband makes is like gold to me.
So sorry that your's does.
Shallot - sounds like there
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Shallot - sounds like there is alot of projection going on via your Husband.
First - let me just emphasize - I have NO PROBLEM with video games, or playing them as a hobby. My only problem comes in when there is no self control, and when the game becomes something you care more about than your spouse, or children or real life in general. To me - it sounds like you have a fairly healthy habbit of how you play. You dont play when things need to be done, you are cognizant of who is "in the room" with you as to not expose your children to things you would rather them not see. You play when you are alone, and everything you need to do is done right? To me - that is not a problem and certainly not an addiction in a destructive sense. I am very addicted to watching a certain TV show - but I also will not ever put watching it in front of my spouse's needs, or the responsibilities I have.
My husband sounds like yours - lack of self control. Doing what he wants when he wants as an EXPRESSION of control - when it really is the opposite. Its magical thinking for sure, and warped thinking. Unfortunately, the fact that he doesnt seem to have control of his own addiction to playing - he might be projecting it back onto you as a defense.
Check out that link - there are some screenings that you can use to identify addiction. Just know that the best way to use them is to have someone who knows your patterns go through it WITH you as the addict rarely can tell how much of a problem it is, and rarely actually see the reality of their habbits. I say that - not for you, but for how you might want to use them WITH your husband - make sense?
My husband is in COMPLETE denial about his additive issues. He was working on self moderation, and one day he said - I want to play for 45 minutes to relax before i start up my projects. I said sure - NP! Do you want me to remind you or do you want to do it - he wanted to manage it on his own. I said cool - np! And went on with my day. SIX HOURS LATER, I finally asked him how long he thought he had been playing - and he actually said 30 minutes. I had to show him it had been 6 hours, and he didnt believe me. I had to tell him that I could bring up the router logs to show him if he really didnt trust me there... It was amazing to me that he really had no inclination to how long he had played. Also - there have been so many times that he has become rude and very snappy when in game and I dare interupt or do anything to indicate my own existance to him. One time while playing WOW, I actually decided to see if he would notice me in near nothing... and he didnt... didnt even look at me. It killed my soul.
My H is totally addicted, to the point that even though he has "stopped" playing a certain game FOR YEARs now because he recognized that it was not worth it (though he moved on to others, it wasnt quite AS bad). Well, a movie came out recently, and I knew it would make him be intrested in the story again - I was really worried that it would make him get in that crazy addicted gotta play again mode. And sure enough, he has been watching videos about that game, all about game play and the new parts coming out etc. I have NO DOUBT that part of the whole " I dont know if I want to be married" issue stems alot from his desire to play a god dammed game. And frankly its offensive to my core. And you nkow? If he wants to play it - more power to him but it wont be on my dime, on my network or in my house. I will not let him control me with threats of leaving if he doesnt get his way, or if he isnt made happy at ever turn.
That said - in the end it doesnt matter because he has already said he is leaving - so I am doing my best to not let it get to me. But I will say this - he is either a liar or he is just weak and afraid to face his demons (which arent staying with ME when he leaves, they will be going with him and no amount of running will give him escape) - either way I deserve better, and WAY more than what he has given and is willing to give (which is essentially nothing).
I am looking forward to a day when threats like this dont exist in my life. He already lost control of me, because I no longer concern myself he is leaving. I just take him at his word and live my life accordingly. He could step up - but he wont beacuse I and our marraige dont matter to him. But I know that WoW does... and that makes me sick.
My husband has been playing
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
My husband has been playing video games since I met him 12 years ago. He is 48 now. You know when I should have walked away? When I met him, he had moved 2000 miles away from his daughter and ex to get his life together because the ex was causing him nothing but trouble. He moved in with his mom and stepdad in their mobile home which was filled with crap to the point where you had just a small walkway to get through. On top of that they had numerous cats. He had a small room with a bed a tv and a computer desk. I stayed over one night in this tiny room with nothing to do but watch tv. The entire night, from like 4PM through 1 AM, he sat and played World of Warcraft. I just about lost it. The next day he tells me "It was a test to see if you could live with me and my gaming and you passed". Really? In what life would I be stuck in a small room on a daily basis in a mobile home with your parents while you play your video game? Who does that? What 36 year old man would bring someone he's dating back to his parents' mobile home and spend the night gaming while his girlfriend sits on the bed and stares at the tv?
Now he is obsessed with this new game Star Citizen which is still being made. It's been being made for almost 3 years now and it is funded by it's players. He has no money in the first place but he has put hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, into this game because "it's going to be awesome and there's nothing else like it". And god forbid I call it a ridiculous waste of time because it is so cutting edge. Forget about him fixing our cars, working on the yard or even spending time with me.
I feel your pain Mapper. I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I feel your pain Mapper. I too should have left the day he told me that World of Warcraft was more important to him than me or our relationship. It was about 2 months after my ex had died (and I was VERY close to him - it devestated me beyond compare). he also used my credit card to buy the game after he told me his friend had gotten it for him. I actually was GOING to leave but his mother asked me to stay, because she had a risky surgery coming and she said she didnt want things to fall apart if something happened to her. So I agreed, but I just left him alone to play his game. He eventually decided he wanted to go to counseling and then he gave up WoW because - and these are his words - he was able to see how damaging to not just his family and to me and his daughter, but to himself too and he didnt want to be ruled by a game. he stuck to it until that stupid movie came out.
Sad thing is - the movie looked cool and i actually was wanting to go see it with him - the whole time him saying "dont worry- I like the story but i would NEVER play that game again - NO WAY.... and then he would "shudder" like he was horrified. Then the movie came out, and he went to see it (with out me since my dog was sick). And sure enough, now its "I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that we wont work" and "I dont know if I want to be married" and "I dont love you".... and I have NO DOUBT that that game is part of it. This is all conjecture and speculation- but I suspect that his desire to play now that the movie came out and a new chapter or what ever its called is coming out and he feels left out because his friends are playing again etc. Well - his friends have real lives that thier games to NOT rule, they have careers and they have happy successful marriages and families. HE DOESNT. Beacuse he has zero control.
Mapper I understand that regret of not running. And now - my 43 year old husband is leaving ME behind.... and I get to pick up the peices and pay off the debts and try to get over loosing something I guess I never really had. He will leave scott free, never give us another thought and be pleased as punch to be in game again with his "true friends" who will never judge, who will never require anything back, and who will never connect with him deeper than hanging out and having fun. And when they have all moved on to the next phases of their life (of which most of them have already talked about doing WITH OUT HANGERS ON) he will be left alone, with his game. And while I am sure he will make new friends and probably have new girlfriends, and probably a new wife at some point though I am sure it wont last.
And I will move on, have a life, travel the world, live to the fullest - see things I have only dreamed about, build a solid retirement so that I am not suck working until I am dead, spend time with people and really connect with them, and find love again - with someone who actually sees me, and who will never put something like a game in front of me. Or ANYTHING in front of me.
I am truly sorry mapper. People like your husband and mine are too far gone to even see they have a problem, and any attempt to point it out will be seen as manipulation and control. That link I posted, if you read the forum for spouses and significant others - the story is all the same, with the small scattering of those who used to be addicted that come in and apologize as much as they can knowing they did this to their own spouse who is long gone, and feel the need to try and comfort those of use who are dealing with the result of that behavior.
My heart is broken, but it will heal. Yours can too - but you have to set your boundries and take a stand for yourself.