I've been at odds with my husband pretty much since we got married 6 years ago. I would ask him to help me out and take care of something and later he would say he forgot or ran out of time when he had 4 hours to complete the task and didn't even start it. I've caught him multiple times having inappropriate conversations with random women online. No matter how I told him it hurt me, I would still catch him. He now says the sites have been deleted, we'll see. A little over 3 years ago my daughter was born and everything escalated. Before she was born i told him that i really needed his support. I was in labor 27 hours then sent for an emergency c-section. He spent most of those labor hours playing games on his computer, and was so disinterested in helping me push that my grandmother had to step in. Afterwards, he would say he needed to go let the dog outside and would be gone for 9-10 hours while we were in the hospital. After I went to back to work, he would try to get her to sleep all day so he could do who knows what. I've caught him in so many lies that I can't keep track anymore. And it could be lies about anything and everything. Household tasks, what was going on with my daughter through the day. So of course everything was getting worse day by day. Finally in july of 2015 I started doing some research and found that ADD matched up with a lot of his symptoms, some that I didn't notice sometimes. When I discussed the possibility with him, I was then informed that he was diagnosed with ADD as a child. I had no idea and he has lived with it untreated all this time. It took him 3 months from his appointment in 2015 to complete his testing because he continually missed appointments. After finally having a diagnosis on November, he waiting to get the prescription until December. He took one pill and said he didn't like it, but would get another kind. He finally makes an appointment for February and come to find out insurance won't pay for it. He waited until June to go back and get a new prescription. He just filled it on 8-5 because I did for him! That was 12 days ago. He has only taken 5 pills. I don't know what else to do?! I've tried so hard for the past 2 years to figure out why we aren't getting along, all the while trying to talk to him, find ways to help him remember, everything I can think of. I give him a list and he won't do it. So I get home and do it and he gets mad at me and says "I was going to do that, just leave it". I'm thinking, when? You've had all day and done nothing but now it's 8pm? So it still won't get done and the next day is the same, so on and so on. I end up doing it because it needs done but he's still irritated after 3 days of it not being able? I've put myself in counseling trying to cope with all this but I just can't help feeling like he doesn't care enough to actually try to repair our marriage. I'm not be any means perfect, but I'm trying. How many times can he tell me he's gonna try to make things better, and do nothing? It seems like he just tells me what I want to hear so I'll drop it. Then the next day it's the same stuff. If we make a decision together about our daughter, he will go behind my back and do whatever he feels like doing. It makes me feel like he has no respect for me and doesn't care about what's best for his daughter. I don't know how much more I can take.....
Don't know what else to do.....
Submitted by renee1724 on 08/17/2016.
Renee, so sorry,
Submitted by Zapp10 on
As long as he will not address the issue consistently NOTHING is going to change from how it is now. You cannot have any kind of marriage where DENIAL is his answer to "dealing" with it. Read other posts here.....they are your future. You have a child to consider.
Staying ....will take everything and more. Maybe you have that in you.....maybe someday he will "see it". Only you can decide what is right for YOU and your daughter.
I wish you the absolute best you can do and be. Your H cannot "help" he has adhd. Denial is a pass to "not help himself and those he loves"
For me it boils down to...embrace it or deny it.....the former you can do together.....the latter......you can do nothing FOR him only for yourself.
Oh - what Zapp said - and I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh - what Zapp said - and I cannot emphasize this enough. My H is in denial too - and while he has recently started doing things around the house that he has promised for years, it doesnt make a difference in the long run. My H finally decided that he is "broken" and "cant" because he "tried" and failed. His trying is alot like your H - 99% lipservice with little to no action.
Your future with him unless HE makes the changes is going to be more of the same and a high probiblility of escalation to much worse. With a baby to think about - boundries are going to be a must. And like Zapp says - only you can decide what is tolerable and what isnt. But if you make a boundry- stick to it. Because if you dont, you will become a doormat. Speaking to you as a "former" doormat.... :-(
I would add to Zapp saying to embrace it - that it means working together to come up with a good way to treat and manage the disorder together, as Melissa describes in her book. If he can be open, willing and not let his ego get in the way there is a chance. If not, *I* would get out as fast as possible and start your life over again. Please though- I am speaking with the influence and flavor of my own pain from my failed relationship. Only you can really determine whats going to work.
Renee.....Some New Things to Think About
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Renee,
I'm a guy with ADHD who done a lot of things to work my way through to a better place that your H in in now. Having said that....I recently came to the conclusion (with some professional help ) that my wife is also suspect of having ADHD. It took me a long time just to figure that part out...but now it's been said to her and any "doing" part on my end...has now begun.
And by just telling her....what I think that it's a possibility....she's responded by taking an online test, asking a friend of her's who has ADHD what she thinks (her friend said.."no doubt, I could see that as possible) and now coming back to me...and wanting us to go back into our therapist together...and bring this out in the open for him to discuss with us.....all in about 1 week from me telling her...."what I think".
As far as me doing anything else at this time....once I finally figured this out.....there isn't anything I can do more than that. The rest is up to her...but as I said....she is showing "initiative and doing something".....in my mind.,...that's trying right there. Doing anything at all....for someone with ADHD....is trying. You can't place your time limits or how long you "think" it should take to see things you want to see come from his "trying" into it. Once you do that...you are making a fatal mistake and then be applying everything "you think" to it...as I see you doing this. I also wanted to point out to you.....you've done nothing wrong here yourself. It is the most natural...and normal thing for anyone to do in your postion and I totally understand..
What is important for you to understand however....that things you do can and will.....effect his ability and willingness to continue....if he feels like he's failing and after too long....just give up trying. You have to see "trying"....differently than you are now. Trying in terms of a time limit based on how long you want it to be....will be the first fatal error you make and could cause him to withdraw and :"quit" trying himself...based on how you approach him and see this yourself.
I'm not trying to pass judgment or blame here and saying no one is at fault of any wrong doing including you....and just to illustrate what I'm saying....I'll point to the part I'm talking about so maybe you can understand and see this too....for that reason alone.
I don't know what else to do?! I've tried so hard for the past 2 years to figure out why we aren't getting along, all the while trying to talk to him, find ways to help him remember, everything I can think of. I give him a list and he won't do it. So I get home and do it and he gets mad at me and says "I was going to do that, just leave it". I'm thinking, when? You've had all day and done nothing but now it's 8pm? So it still won't get done and the next day is the same, so on and so on. I end up doing it because it needs done but he's still irritated after 3 days of it not being able? I've put myself in counseling trying to cope with all this but I just can't help feeling like he doesn't care enough to actually try to repair our marriage. I'm not be any means perfect, but I'm trying. How many times can he tell me he's gonna try to make things better, and do nothing? It seems like he just tells me what I want to hear so I'll drop it. Then the next day it's the same stuff. If we make a decision together about our daughter, he will go behind my back and do whatever he feels like doing. It makes me feel like he has no respect for me and doesn't care about what's best for his daughter. I don't know how much more I can take.....
He saying his intentions....is him thinking about it. Yes. He wants to and he is working it through in his head on how he is going to do it. That's all your seeing in that much to begin with. That's a positive thing in respect to you.
"I was going to do that, just leave it"........ I'm thinking, when? You've had all day and done nothing "
Yes he actually has done something. He took the initiative to actual think about doing it...and now he's getting ready to do it...but hasn't done it yet. People with ADHD....have delays in processing things. Everything is happening in slow motion so he is moving much much slower than you are. You are in hyper speed for him and he hasn't got to that place yet...but is going to if you will let him and not intervene. He was going to do it....but hasn't done it yet as he says. The amount of mental "work" it takes to "do things" is much greater, more exhausting and takes more time than it does for you to do the same thing. If you apply yourself to him....you are committing that fatal error simply from not understanding any of this. You need to educate yourself...about his ADHD as much as he needs to ...so you know what you are seeing and the reasons why?
How many times can he tell me he's gonna try to make things better,.............. and do nothing?
Nothing....is in your Opinion only. How many times to do one of those things you want and get it down in to his working memory and form a habit WITHOUT anything intervening like I said? The more things that intervene within the process....the longer it will take. That includes you...if you are intervening and doing it for him before he gets a chance to do it on his own timeline not yours. Simply put.
1,0000 times? Maybe 10,000 times? Maybe 20,000 times? Depending on what it is and the degree of difficulty he has in doing it.
That means......that many failures to do it....but with a slow, steady increase in improvement and succeeding in a steady consistent manner....until he gets that under his belt and possibly stops doing it....or doing it....which ever it may be?
The question for you more importantly.....can you give him 20,000 attempts and failures for him to succeed? Can you wait.....is he worth it to you....or are these things of more importance than he is and your relationship to give him the time he needs to do it?
As far as nothing goes however.....that's just your opinion...based on the results you want...and the time you want it to be in. That's all that is....just so you can understand how much you need to educate yourself...so you are not part of the problem....instead of being part of the solution.
All you can do....is encourage him....and wait and see what he does without putting ANY deadlines on him....but reasonable expectations that he will be able to do certain single things of importance within a reasonable RANGE of time instead of deadlines...based on him and what he says....not based on you and what you want?
Deadlines....will be the death....of your relationship. Reasonable "ranges" of times base on his ability only....is the only thing that is possible.
The only thing...you can do....is educate yourself and become knowledgeable about his ADHD and provide him with support and encouragement. That's pretty much all you CAN DO. Simply put.
J
JJamieson... Some New Things for you to think about....
Submitted by Soft_Owl on
I fully understand what you have written above.
"Yes he actually has done something. He took the initiative to actual think about doing it...and now he's getting ready to do it...but hasn't done it yet."
One of the fundamental problems in these relationships is while the above is happening EVERYTHING else is happening at well. While the partner with ADD is pondering and getting ready but hasn't done it yet, there are a zillion things the non-ADD partner has to make sure happen. The non-ADD partner isn't afforded this "process" in any sense of the word.
"As far as nothing goes however.....that's just your opinion...based on the results you want...and the time you want it to be in. That's all that is....just so you can understand how much you need to educate yourself...so you are not part of the problem....instead of being part of the solution."
The other fundamental problem is there are things that are on a timeframe nobody wants them to be in. The most exhausted of the pair and the one who bears the most responsibility of the pair would love to have a "different" more leisurely time to secure the necessary results. So, I believe it is in everyone's best interest to revise your statement above and admonish the ADD partners to educate themselves (they are all quite intelligent, some approaching genius level), so they are LESS of the problem and MORE of the solution.
Let's remember, the non-ADD partner is well aware their significant other is challenged in various ways. We wouldn't spend as much time as we do trying to bring about commitment to therapy, medication, life coaching and other relationship saving measures if we thought our partner was perfectly capable. We would also spent little or no time, reminded, prodding, asking and begging if our ADD partner spent more time listening to the problems than trying to talk their way out of them.
Your wrote: "Deadlines....will be the death.....of your relationship"
I ask you to be mindful that the deadlines of life and marriage are being handled by one person who feels alone and criticized for striving to meet those deadlines. We are labeled inflexible, domineering, critical, undermining and a whole host of unflattering adjectives that we have not nor ever will deserve.
The real lesson here is for those with ADD to revel in the amount of responsibility and work their non-ADD partner will take on to hold the fort down so the ADD partner can get treatment!
I don't believe any of us extend ourselves beyond all measure so the ADD partner can be angry, abusive, unproductive and unaware. We do it to FREE them up so they can get help.
Once that is clearly understood, the ADD partner uses all his/her energy to strive for better outcomes and the non-ADD partner holds down the fort. Then, and only then will these relationships have a dual purpose, toward a common goal. Anything less than that, is disingenuous and counter-productive.
Soft_Owl.... you have
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Soft_Owl.... you have perfectly described the problems i have faced in the situation with my husband. He holds the positions that J holds - that "thinking" counts as "doing" (because the reality is - the "doing" part rarely happens unless the non-ADHD/ADD spouse nags, begs, pleads and otherwise tries to get some sort of result). And that Deadlines or Timelines should be based on the DISFUNCTIONAL member of the family. Uh yah, no. Household would fall apart and evictions, no power, no food etc...
Sure - a non ADHD partner needs to make allowances, but I believe that someone only should IF their spouse is doing their part in doing the best they can to learn/educate themselves so that THEIR DISFUNCTION doesnt destroy the relationship or family. My husband never did his part, and then has the nerve to say "he has come to the conclusion that we wont work". Well of course not... he wont do his part. But he WILL spend all his time watching videos about a game he says he will never play again (because of how much it damaged his life since he is an addict with NO control). He WILL spend his time playing on social media and chain smoking. ALL DAY LONG. Granted, as of late he has picked up on the slack for the house as far as chores and getting things done. But thats the extent of it.
Its the ADHD/ADD person's responsibility to educate themselves, to learn how to be part of the solution, and to pull their weight. They are not special snowflakes who should be given everything they want because they exist.
J - I know you do alot of work on yourself, but I really do think you are the exception to the rule. And even though I think your ADHD warps your perspective some (its how I feel about your post above), I still think you are LEAGUES ahead of the game. You are a smart guy, and someone who uses their ADHD focus to look inward, which is refreshing. Keep it up - but watch out for those ideas that say the world should bend towards you - thats really not how it works. If you think it does - it means that people around you have been working overtime to keep you floating.
Clarification.....Thinking
Submitted by kellyj on
Stacey,
"Thinking about it".....as I was referring to indicates intention. But I do not think intention means doing. Actions do speak louder than words. Just for clarification.....delay in processing was what I was referring to and being a little behind in the process of doing.
I realize....in 7 years...you've seen nothing over that period of time. That's not at all what I was speaking to. What I was and am speaking to is ....in the moment. In elapsed time over 24 hours....I may think about it....get my process down....and then do it. I usually always need some time to "think about it" before I do anything...otherwise, I working off impulse and impluse is bad. I have to 'think about it" first....get my thoughts and my process down....get a clear path planned and laid out in front of me...work this into other things I have going....and then do it. In that order.
If I don't do that....then impulse an instinct is what I'm working with and that is NO GOOD!!! lol
If your not "thinking about it" ahead of time with ADHD.....then your working off of impulse and "things that are shiny". That's no good. No good at all. I avoid things that are shiny....and THINK About IT...first. Always now....where in the past.....there was no thinking about anything. There was just doing, reacting and going to what is shiny.
This is a process...I have to go through and this is not about bending things towards me. I have to do this...or deal with the consequences of....doing first....and regretting later. This the part of having ADHD....I have no choice in. And since I have no choice in this....to a certain degree...so does anyone who is with me with the caveat....that I communicate this ahead of time...and tell my wife what I'm doing and why.
If she cannot understand this....or....refuses to understand this....I cannot help her. If she needs something faster than I can go through this process and THINK first....before I react and pay the consequences of not thinking....that's not asking her to bend my way....that's a requirement I need from her along with her understanding.
I have to say Stacey....i do understand why you said this in relationship to your husband. But I'm not your husband and I "think about first" always..... instead of operateing on auto-pilot like it sounds he's is doing.
Time wise...the range of time I need to do this....IS the range of time I need to do it. If my wife wants it sooner than I can process and think about things first.....I cannot give it what she wants and she will have to get over it or not be with me. That her choice...but I'm not going to make the same mistake I use to make in past when I was in denial and .....jumped first.....think second. No way. That only lead to disaster and I learned my lessons well.
Thinking about it for me....is a pretty quick process. For someone who is where I was a long time ago.....:thinking about it....takes a little longer....within the range I was talking about.
If my wife says 2 days....;and i need 3. 3 is all I can give her....and I won't even try to push myself past my limits just so I won't disappoint her. Her disappointment.....is irrelevant to the needs I have in ..."doing it." right...instead of doing it wrong.
And I refuse to do it wrong...anymore. That's what you get when you "do it" first....and "think about" it second.
I'm sorry Stacey....this was even outlined in Melissa's Couples Course....about 'reasonable time lines" that are measured in a "rage of time"....not a deadline....and the ADHD person gets to choose when and how to get there...as long as it gets done.
I always get there...and I always follow through in everything I do. Do or die....it will get done. How long that takes...is up to me....within a given time line that is acceptable...without a deadline.
Actions speak louder than words. How fast it gets done within reason based on what an ADHD person is capable of.,...is irrelevant to the time.....you think it should take. The time...."You think it should"....cannot be applied directly.
Could have....would have....should have....suppose to be.....All irrelevant on your end when applying to someone with ADHD. As I said....I don't do things in service of my wife disappointment. Her dissapppoint is irrelevant...to how fast I can actually do anything...as long as I do it. And I always do it...and it always gets done. Mostly...it takes longer than my wife would prefer. Again....what she would prefer.....is personal preference and I don't work for her personal preference either. I work to get the job done as best as i can in the way I need to do it.
And please don't lump me together with your husband or put words into my mouth. I never implied once....that the things that are required....never get done. I cannot see how you could infer anything from this explanation that would explain your husband not doing anything you want in 7 years.'
What I've accomplished in 2 years time....I think would stagger you in the "doing things" and accomplishments department....but I have no need to defend myself....against your husbands actions...or lack of it.
J
J, what you do is VERY
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J, what you do is VERY different than what my H does, that's what I was saying. I truly think you are the exception to the rule. You have managed to find a way to harness a lot of your adhd tendencies and turn them into life tools. Where I agree that everyone should think about what they are doing, DOING it is the key lol. From your posts, you are a very different creature from my h.
So please don't think I was doing that, for sure didn't mean to make you think that at all. I was actually attempting to point out how you, as someone who is quite successful in managing your own tendencies by being so self aware is almost opposite to my H who lives on autopilot. That really is a perfect word to describe it!! Man you would not believe what it would give for my H to show even a fraction of your efforts and the DOING of things. Lol. Seriously... You have no idea.
As for deadlines, doesn't matter if it's a range, it's still a deadline. My husband cannot meat them. I can ask him to do something and it just never gets done. Ever. Even if there is a deadline on ME, even when that deadline is our wedding!!! Now, what normally happens is he will commit to doing something and then procrastinate until the very last minute, which puts me in stressed, negative situation, gets angry with me and hurries through what ever the "thing" was which inevitably causes it to be done poorly or incompletely.... And if I respond in any other way than eternally greatfull it's hell to pay about not being enough time. Lol vicious cycle!!!!
Actions and Doing
Submitted by kellyj on
I realized that I cannot show you my actions in the last two years. I thought I would itemize them for you...to give you an idea of what I'm taking about
-from scratch...ground up. Poured and laid 800 square foot foundation for my shop. Installed a full car lift into cement pad that can lift a 6000lbs vehicle over head. Constructed two out buildings (200 sq ft each) plus the 800 ft shop which has a 25 foot ceiling with two entrance plus a full garage door at one end to drive into.
-graded and resurface 1/2 acre of property and reseeded it with new grass
-rebuilt...over 300 ft of new fence
-completely renovated deck area with privacy fence and a compete awning to cover it spanning over 200 square feet over deck.
-completely re-plumbed my entire house by gutting old pipe and replace it with all new pipe. Whole house new plumping...from the ground up.
-replaced wiring and new service panel to replace old one and replace old outdated wiring
-full clean up or 1/2 acre and removed all remnants of renters garbage, tires and debris left there while I rented which filled two drop boxes full....plus several trips to the dump and scrap yard with several full truck loads of debris.
-installed family entertainment system....behind the wall wiring and remote ...invisible installation speakers in multiple rooms to the house all with a central routing system.
-installed a security system and alarm ...whole house security system
-added concrete to end of driveway that was crumbling and in need of repair....30 sq feet of concrete added
-built a stone walk way out of flat stones going from house approx. 20ft long by 4 ft wide.
-rebuilt old shed that needed new roof and repairs and reorganized it and created new storage spaces so things no are longer are seen and out of sight
-the entire living space inside is clear of debris and clutter and stays that way on a daily basis
- I do the all the food shopping and cook most of the meals. (she doens't cook much but she does)
-1/2 that time....I was working full time 40 hours as an emplyee for another business
-doing side work to make money which accounted for another 8 hours a week of time
-while at the same time....working to keep things clean neat and orderly...sorting, getting rid of stuff, selling stuff and clearing the entire inside of house and all living areas and cleaning up after all those projects at the same time with no left over construction debris anywhere to my wife's satisfaction.
I did all that alone. I got all the material myself and brought them home by myself. I hired no one to help. I ran a full size skid loader....did all the labor.....and cleaned up the messes behind me....alone. No one helped me do anything plus....I worked on my ADHD symptoms, came here and spent time working on this...and am still finishing up the last bits of clean up as I'm writing this....in just over 30 months total.
Plus...spent time with my wife every night...and didn't neglect her at all and worked on making our life a better one for both of us.
So when I say time....and actions speak louder than words....and my wife wants it done faster. I think she;s being unreasonable...since I'm 59 years old...and don't know anyone who could do what I just did alone without anyone hired or to help them do it...in the time I had to do it. Oh...and I was sick for a month in there and did nothing during that time.
I think that counts as "doing things"....but I could be wrong?
J
Doing things....
Submitted by renee1724 on
J
I think my version of doing things is a lot different than what you are describing. You have accomplished a lot of projects in that amount of time. However, at my house, something as simple as washing some dishes is a 3 day ordeal. The garage was to be cleaned out but ive been waiting 3 yrs. That was a project he gave himself and never started. He brings it up about once a month but "doesn't get to it". I've asked for the yard to be mowed 2 weeks ago, still waiting. I have a small child at home and work a full time job. There's not enough time in a day to raise a child, work 8-10 hours and run the household by myself, with NO assistance from him whatsoever.
Renee....That's No Good
Submitted by kellyj on
I don't think that's acceptable at all. In part....the things I did were things my wife wanted to do since a lot of it was there when she first moved in. In what I did in part....was for my job....but everything I did was in an effort to clean up too. My garage was part of it and it got cleaned out too. When I say everything is being done on my wifes list...I mean everything. Nothing is overlooked or put off to do later. I'm doing it all and changing my old habits along with it.
3 years is not an acceptable range of time to clean the gagage....how about 1 month. That's reasonable in my mind.
2 weeks to mow the law? How about 1 week when ever he gets to it within that week. That's reasonable.
Just so you know....my wife has ADHD (unconfirmed as of yet) I get no help from her either. He idea of hard work....is sweeping the floors and doing the touch-up and spot checking and sanitizing. She is kind of obsessed with sanitizing but not doing the grunt work. I never seen her break a sweat once but she will complain how tired she is after sweeping and mopping the floors. To her....that's hard work?????
What I see her do....;is only related to things she likes or wants to do. If she doesn't want to do something or doesn't like it.....I have to do it.
I understand your dilemma.....but not everyone who has ADHD is like this. Two of my closest childhood friends who have ADHD are: an Anesthesiologist...and a contractor that own's his own business. The Anesthesiologist...also serves (or did?) on the congressional board of Anesthesiologist in Washington DC aside from the work he does in his private practice. Both of those guys....work their asses off and they both have ADHD just like me. I'm not buying ADHD as an excuse...for not working hard what ever the reason. Taking longer doesn't mean it never gets done or not doing anything. Not at all.
And dishes in 3 days???? Give me a break!!!
J
Timeframes, Range of Time & Deadlines
Submitted by Soft_Owl on
JJamieson writes: I'm sorry Stacey....this was even outlined in Melissa's Couples Course....about reasonable time lines "that are measured in a rage [range] of time";....not a deadline....and the ADHD person gets to choose when and how to get there...as long as it gets done.
I believe this is reasonable, rational and doable considering ADD methodology is quite different and unique to the individual. However, the measurement of "range of time" is probably the most hotly contested aspect of this process. For most of us, "range of time" can be weeks, months or years.
I can tell the story of a bathroom renovation that had, as its last component, a very flat wall heater. The entire house is electric and a low profile wall heater was the only type that could be installed in a very small bathroom. Lo and behold two such heaters were found, at an auction, sealed in their original boxes, brand new for less than 1/3 of their retail price! With pure GLEE they were purchased by my ADD partner and brought home. (He is quite capable in plumbing, electrical work, dry wall and all sorts of home repairs.) So we have two new heaters which means we can install the other one in another bathroom or, sell the other one privately and have one, essentially, for free. Sounds great, right?
So winter comes, the bathroom is cold. "Could you install the heater now?"
"Sure, I'll do it this week"
"Great"
Fast forward, 18 months, 300 arguments, a river of tears, profound disappointment, hopelessness, resentment, anger, frustration and another situation tearing at the very fabric of the relationship.......and the heater is installed. The 18 month battle shifts to him saying, "the heater is installed, are you happy NOW?"
So we are torn apart over a cold bathroom for 18 months, for an installation that took about 2 hours.
Timeframes, Ranges of Time and Deadlines are, in my opinion, directly related to whatever else is happening around the issue. In this case, what needs to be established is how long it takes to make a commitment to blocking off 2 hours, the understanding that winter means a cold bathroom and ..... we can debate whether the following is at the top of the list or the bottom: HOW DO WE DEFINE THE TIMEFRAME AND/OR RANGE OF TIME TO DESTROY A RELATIONSHIP FOR A TWO HOUR PROJECT?
For the non-ADD folk out there: Timeframes must be realistic, ranges of time must be related to the difficulty and scope of the chore or project and the most important, I think..... DEADLINES are imposed as a last ditch attempt to get the first two (timeframe and range of time) realistically viewed so as to promote progress. This is where non-ADD takes a bad rap. When we are forced to the inflexible positions I believe we all eventually take, there MUST be some attention paid to the reason WHY the inflexibility is occurring,
One of my pet peeves is the notion that all of this happens in a vacuum. That non-ADD people manufacture all these problems for the sole purpose of being a pain in the A$$. These relationship problems are because of ADD behaviors, in the absence of these behaviors the heater would have been installed in a realistic timeframe and rather than the destruction and misery it caused, we could have just cleared the debris of the installation, taken a shower and gone to the movies.
Thanks Snow_Owl - you really
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Thanks Snow_Owl - you really put it in a way that is easy to understand. I am in such a state right now that I cant seem to make sense of how to explain the impact to the NON ADD/ADHD spouse and household to have to cater to the ADHD spouse.
:-)
Renee, I'm glad you found
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Renee, I'm glad you found this forum although sorry that you need to. One thing to keep in mind is that people here will offer a variety of opinions about your situation but you are the one living in it, so please don't allow these other opinions to take priority over your assessment of what's going on or to minimize the significance of your feelings.
Update
Submitted by renee1724 on
I tried talking to my husband again today. I honestly don't know yet if I got through to him. He has such a way with words that i really expect what he's saying to start happening. I want to believe him so badly. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it from my post but I do love him very much and I want both of us to be happy and raise our daughter in at least a semi-functional home. The thing is I can usually put up with a lot if I feel like he cares. He says he does and wants to work on things but doesn't show it in any way. This has gone on for quite some time. Like I said, I want to believe he's going to make some kind of attempt but I be heard this so many times. He agreed to do some research for coping tools to help him on a daily basis much like what J has done. As J suggested, not putting deadlines on him, I wouldn't be opposed to that if I felt like attempts were being made. I really hope he will do his research (as I have done over the last several months) and learn what it is he can do to help himself. I've literally tried every kind of reminder for him so that he doesn't feel like I'm nagging him but they don't work. Like I said, I'm in counseling to see how I can help him deal and what we can do as a couple to repair our relationship. But it's time for him to research and figure out for himself what will work for him. I'm not against doing things differently if it means my marriage will survive this. But a person can only feel unloved and invisible for so long before they can't emotionally take anymore.
It's amazing isn't it? How
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
It's amazing isn't it? How much you can be willing to work through if you feel cared about. I would go the distance, I would storm the gates of hell itself with my husband if I thought I mattered to him.