Hello To Everyone!
As a new member to your little community here, I would like to say 'Hello' and to thank you for all of the things that you have written, shared and expressed, that have given a 'newcomer', such as myself, an OVERWHELMING sense of... 'YOU MEAN I AM NOT ALONE???!!!'
I have been married for almost 28 years and have just recently stumbled upon A DEFINITION for just about EVERYTHING that was just SO 'un-explainable'. ADHD!!! I am wondering if the 'veterans' here can answer a question for me...
If I can relate 100 PERCENT to how the 'non-ADHD' spouse feels... could there possibly be ANOTHER 'explanation, other than ADHD? My husband is CONVINCED that his 'issue' can be explained due to his having a "very stressful job ONLY". We have owned a retail business for 28 years.
I have read two books on the subject of ADHD and COUNTLESS articles on the internet. I can tell you that my garage, basement, my husband's car and his bathroom are ALL A COMPLETE MESS. So much so, that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to even WALK in the basement, without walking ON TOP OF THINGS. Often times, when I talk to him, he literally looks POSSESSED, with his eyes EXTRA WIDE OPEN... although, he is NOT HEARING A WORD of what I am saying. As soon as we got married, he COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED... and DROWNED himself into our business. He wastes an EXTRAORDINARY amount of time looking for things that he has misplaced. Over the past 2-3 years, he has grown INCREASINGLY QUICK TO ANGER AND FRUSTRATION, where this has become his 'regular state'. I could go ON AND ON... And on..... :(
The problem is, is that he is 'writing all of this off' and states that 'it can ALL be explained due to his 'high-stress' life'. If that is true... would I be able to relate to EVERYTHING that all of you have written here...? He found an article online 'supposedly' written by a PHD who HAS ADHD... and that doctor said that the 'symptoms' are ALL attributable to stress and NOT ADHD. Thus, like so many things with my husband, that is the 'END OF DISCUSSION'.
God forgive me for this... but many years ago I 'gently' asked my husband if we could go to the doctor and have him 'checked for a brain tumor'... as I TRULY was TERRIFIED that something was SERIOUSLY WRONG like that... as there was just SUCH A PROFOUND AND DRASTIC CHANGE IN HIM..... He even started LOOKING DIFFERENT... especially in his 'eyes'... and just the 'general' look on his face... Needless to say.... that didn't go over very well...
My husband has taken 3 different ADHD online tests... and have scored on the 'HIGHLY PROBABLE chance' that he has ADHD. He explains that as there are 'other explanations' for this... He comes from a family of 'high achievers' and did very well in school. He says he 'cannot relate AT ALL' to any of the 'childhood issues' that are typically described by ADHD. Although, I can attest to one of his sisters telling me, as did he, that his parent would use a leash on him in public. God forgive me for this... I can also state that his mother, at one time, was on 'anti-psychotic medication'... his sister has a condition (still) where she pulls out her hair... one of his sisters has been in and out of drug rehab... etc... I know that almost none of us has had the 'perfect family'... but the 'degree of issues' in his seemed a bit more 'severe', than the average...
I have read how most of the 'non-ADHDers' respond to the symptoms and behaviors of ADHD is often by 'constant nagging and arguing'. I have chosen the 'other route', and have simply withdrawn... COMPLETELY.... and have spent YEARS 'walking on eggshells'.....
Again, I am going to ask... is it even POSSIBLE that I can 'relate' to an ASTRONOMICAL amount of your 'experiences, thoughts, feelings, reactions', etc... and my husband does NOT have ADHD???
I thank you all in advance for your time, consideration and anything that you might share. Thank you so much...
~GMP
Givemepatience......I
Submitted by Zapp10 on
have come to the end of "whatever the reason" for my H's behavior. IF it isn't adhd, IF it is adhd. Bottom line.......he doesn't believe that HIS behavior(which he doesn't see nor CARE to) should be effecting me.....there fore I...ME.....have a problem.(we are 43 yrs married).
I just recently realized he is right......I DO have a problem....I am a slow learner.
I WANT to live the ONLY life I have been given....in peace.
After 4 years of DIAGNOSED ADHD.......but to quote him.."it isn't THAT bad" which is just the same as outright denial...I, myself, am done.
In my humble opinion......if it is NOT adhd.....then my H is a jerk. I would NEVER and I mean NEVER do to him what he has done to me. IT IS MY FAULT for letting it happen....again and again.
You are where so many are at here. You have to decide the what, where, how and why's to where you go in your marriage. It is NOT easy but YOU can do it. Your H is in denial and it takes 2 to have a marriage.....if that's what you want....START thinking about yourself FIRST.....Learn NOT to engage him. You cannot WORK this out with his DENIAL. Take care of you please.
Read up on what Melissa says in her blogs about "working on the marriage" where denial is present.
p.s. I am no martyr to a marriage.....that isn't a marriage. I also take issue with putting on a front, outside the home, which is of great concern to him. WTH?
Zapp10, I thank you so much
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
Zapp10, I thank you so much for your response. I VERY MUCH appreciate your sound advice, as well. I can see the CLEAR ADVANTAGE of "learning NOT to engage", as you have stated. Just this morning, AS SOON AS the 'tantrum' started, I stated my 'intention's... that I was "going upstairs and would come back down in 15 minutes", to give him a time to 'collect himself'. From the look on his face and the tone in his voice, 15 minutes later, I could tell that he 'needed more time'... This was MUCH BETTER that staying and 'engaging' with someone who ACCUSES YOU of saying things that you DID NOT SAY... So now you're 'arguing' over that, instead of discussing the 'original point'... It all gets truly draining... :(
But, now that I have learned what I believe is the 'CAUSE' of all of this strife (ADHD), I feel like I am 'finding my voice', as this has given me SO MUCH STRENGTH. Knowledge TRULY IS 'power'.
I have said to my husband EXACTLY what you have written here... telling him, sort of 'tongue in cheek,' you REALLY should WANT ADHD to be the 'answer', because if it isn't, you are just a REAL JERK!!!' Honestly, if he would just ACCEPT this, so would I. It would make it SO MUCH EASIER to 'forgive' the hurtful things... as I would have to believe that he TRULY CANNOT HELP IT'.
I have spent a lot of time just 'sharing' information with him that I have found about this, as 'gently' as I possibly can... as I can only imagine how I would feel if someone came to me with something like this...
I hope that you find strength, not to be 'affected' by your husband's poor behavior. I will pray that he, my husband and ALL of the other 'ADHD Partners' who are in denial, will decide that their PRIDE is worth LESS than our happiness AND THEIRS... and that they will ALL take the necessary steps to make themselves someone that they can TRULY BE PROUD OF...
Thanks again, Zapp10. Tomorrow is a new day... ;)
Bravo!
Submitted by c ur self on
GMP you are handling things well...Hopefully we all (AHDHer's and Non"s) will see our selves and see our needs, so we can experience the Love and Power to mange our lives....
C