I really had a bad moment just a bit ago. A blender that my late husband bought me is giving me trouble. I have been trying to really clean it and I cant seem to get it clean. I think maybe its just so old its falling apart. Thing is - I use the thing religiously and am very attached to it (I know I should not be - its just a small kitchen appliance... but for some reason I really am). I have been trying for 2 weeks! And still no luck, so today I got really upset thinking I need to replace it - that I wont be able to get it clean enough to really use anymore. And it really just made me sad, sad and frustrated. And really REALLY angry.. though I suspect that anger is coming from deeper things and just found an outlet.
What does my soon to be ex do? Nothing. Doesnt ask me if I am ok, ask me whats wrong, ask me ANYTHING AT ALL. Just goes about his business.
And thats how its always been... god forbid he ever be even slightly uncomfortable showing some small kindness to me or some fucking empathy. I am not surprised, and didnt expect anything from him. Because he seems incapable of giving a damn about anyone but himself. I am sure he is sitting outside chainsmoking and watching more videos of world of warcraft. I cannot believe I ever have wasted my time on seeing what I could do to HELP him, trying to find ways to make him happy.. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME AND ENEGERY... He never returns it... EVER.
I am really looking forward to not feeling alone, but just being alone.
SpaceyStacey...
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
SpaceyStacey...
First know this... you are NOT 'alone'. There are SO MANY OF US here that FEEL your pain, KNOW your pain, LIVE your pain and can VERY MUCH RELATE... I'm sorry that you are feeling so down... :(
About the blender from your late husband... I can TOTALLY 'relate' to your feelings here... as, I hate to admit it, but I have a VERY 'UNHEALTHY' 'ATTACHMENT' to ALL THINGS 'KITCHEN'!!! ;) I, too, had a REALLY special blender, that used to be owned by my grandmother. The thing almost weighed as much as me!!! It was 'difficult' when I had to finally part with it... but when I went looking for a new blender, I decided that I would try to find one that 'resembled', as much as possible, the one from my grandma and would therefore 'remind me' OF my grandma! ;) It worked! Every time that I use my new blender, I 'remember' my grandmother and am 'grateful' for everything.
About your husband, Stacey... I am not 'EXCUSING' his behavior, which I know FEELS like a 'lack of concern'... but, as I am sure you know... and as DIFFICULT as it is for us 'NON'S' to 'understand'... ADHD makes it REALLY HARD for people to 'READ' other people's facial expressions' and 'moods'... BELIEVE ME... I HATE this, too... :( but it will 'help' ALL involved if we 'accept' that our ADHD partners are practically 'ILLITERATE' in the language of 'non-verbal communication'. When you are feeling sad, you LITERALLY HAVE TO TELL your husband.
Again, SS, you are not alone. All of us here 'out in cyberspace' are sending warm hugs your way.
~GMP
Something you said here,GMP..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
has me a little puzzled and I wish Melissa would speak to this or maybe she has and I missed it. If so I apologize.....
" ADHD makes it REALLY HARD for people to 'READ' other people's facial expressions' and 'moods'... BELIEVE ME... I HATE this, too... :( but it will 'help' ALL involved if we 'accept' that our ADHD partners are practically 'ILLITERATE' in the language of 'non-verbal communication'. When you are sad, you LITERALLY HAVE TO TELL your husband."
My understanding of this ...that this is one of many issues of Adhd.....and while it will never go away......a person can LEARN to be more aware. Expecting someone who is in denial to be aware is not going to happen. HOWEVER, to the person who embraces to learn and understand how the adhd manifests itself.......while NO WAY perfect.....improvement is something attenable? A persons intellect IS NOT affected by Adhd.....so where is it that they simply CAN'T ever learn? I know they can't be a hundred per cent but from ALL I have read they CAN achieve improving in MANY areas. Non-verbal communication may be a difficult one to attempt but as the basis for a relationship I just don't think it should be "let go" of. Letting them "know" you are sad is absolutely fine.......and if they are "working" on addressing adhd then getting a response besides a blank look should not continue to be an acceptable response.
People with adhd are not poor pathetic creatures INCAPABLE of taking stock of themselves.
Once again I am back to the difference between denial and acceptance (with your head held high, not this sorry " poor me I'm no good crap")
I would welcome ANY committed effort from my H but knowing him as I do......he needs to stand up and say to me....Hi, I'm (name) and I have adhd.....and you dear wife are not my enemy.
I am just done with this idea that they settle for mediocre for themselves which also includes me ....because of marriage. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEIR INTELLIGENCE. THEY CAN LEARN TO DO BETTER......NOT PERFECTION......JUST....BETTER.
I am open to any thoughts on this as this continues to be a "gray" area of understanding for me.
It takes mental effort, and persistence
Submitted by dancermom on
I see an article aimed at adhd adults to encourage them to develop some habits to improve their reading of social cues. So, the implication is that this is a problem adhd adults have, and it's one that some effort could improve.
But they would have to be motivated... since it takes effort.. goes against the grain of flying by the seat of the pants. Goes against the grain of hearing the first 5 words of a sentence, jumping ahead to assumptions and not really paying attention after that.
http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/adult-add-adhd/adult-add-adhd-how-to-ga...
Thank you,dancermom...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
for the link. Am reading ALL of it and more.
Because it is something that they can "improve" on this goes back to what I have thought all along......they can address this only if they believe they have this "problem"....and if they don't..... the idea of continuing to stay in a very "one sided, one dimensional union" serves only ONE person. THAT is NOT a marriage.
Amen Zapp....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Amen Zapp....
I wanted a shared experience. I wanted to able to love and be loved back. I wanted to be an equal partner - not a parent, not a nag. I wanted to have passion and love that I was told I was getting. I was duped. And now that we are 7 years in, I am looking forward to finding that someday - but first just looking forward to life with out the stress of someone who tries to control me with threats of abandonment. I never realized that was considered emotional abuse - but it is. Along with neglect and apathy - all 3 things that are considered abusive.
OOOH yes.... THIS THIS THIS:
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
OOOH yes.... THIS THIS THIS: "People with adhd are not poor pathetic creatures INCAPABLE of taking stock of themselves."
I call BS on my husband who says this about himself. He is perfectly capable and DOES do that, when it comes to others (though very surface level - even with his own daughter). With me, its just a give up before he even tries... because *I* am not worth it to him. I am just a ways to a means.
My soon to be ex is extremely smart, extremely capable, but he chooses not to be because he would rather not put in any effort on his part. He is lazy, and extremely self centered. Add that to the mix of the other things going on - and its toxic to the core. Sad thing is, he totally has the power to change it.
This is my husband all the way: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/6f/f4/c6/6ff4c67b31b880999f702...
Hello There, Zapp10!
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
Hello There, Zapp10!
I really appreciate your comments here and truly do apologize for my 'over-generalization' here. I mis-spoke by using the words ''facial expressions'', 'simplifying' my point down from 'SOCIAL CUES'. You are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT that people with ADHD CAN LEARN. I'm SO SORRY for giving the impression like I do not 'think' that. My point, although poorly executed, was that this is 'one of those areas' were ADHDer's are 'weak' in... and REQUIRE 'behavioral therapy' or 'coaching' for AWARENESS and change.
On a personal note, I can tell you that my husband is BLIND to 'social cues', from me, as well as OTHERS, sometimes causing me' embarrassment', I am sorry to say... He does not 'understand' when people are TRYING TO GET HIM TO STOP a TWENTY MINUTE LONG MONOLOG... It gets SO MUCH MORE IN DEPTH than this... with the 'social cues' that he fails to recognize'... Honestly, I could go ON AND ON... but that is not my point in this response to you, so I won't.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, Zapp10, DO NOT think that I 'regard' ADHDer's as being, "poor pathetic creatures INCAPABLE of taking stock of themselves", as you have written here. I DO NOT, BY ANY MEANS! Nor do I mean for my comments to portray that I 'diminish' their intellect! PLEASE KNOW THAT. My husband is a very successful businessman and is TRULY QUITE BRILLIANT! MUCH MORE SO THAN MYSELF!!! He is, however, NOT 'successful' with the parts of his life that begin, when he walks in the door at night...
On a side note... I can tell you that after living with an ADHDer for almost 30 years who is AN EXTREMELY POOR COMMUNICATOR... as well as TERRIBLY POOR 'LISTENER'... I have LITERALLY learned to ALMOST READ MY HUSBAND'S MIND. I can walk into a room where he is sitting expressionless and still... and LITERALLY GO TO THE KITCHEN CABINET TO GET HIM AN ANTACID, as I CAN TELL that he is suffering from HEARTBURN!!! I could give you ZILLIONS of examples like this... but my only point here is to express the 'ABILITY' or INABILITY' to NATURALLY 'read' social cues. I SO WISH that my husband was 'better' at this... as WHO WOULDN'T WANT SOMEONE TO KNOW AND 'UNDERSTAND' AND FEEL OUR PAIN..... and 'share' in that 'connection' that we are SUPPOSED to feel with the one that we love..... ? It just doesn't come NATURALLY to them.. Just like with our WORDS... How many times do we SAY something, PRETTY STRAIGHT FORWARD... and they HEAR SOMETHING DIFFERENT or 'DECIDE' that we 'MEANT SOMETHING ELSE'??? :(
Thank you, Zapp10, for giving me the opportunity to clarify myself here. I'm so sorry for giving the wrong impression. Forgive me.
GMP
OH MY NO....GMP
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I in no way thought you were stating anything as fact. I appreciate very much your insight into YOUR experience. My words were not directed at you what so ever.....they were mine.....my thoughts and observations.My H is VERY MUCH like yours on the emotional regulation part. It is what is becoming the deal breaker for me. As a matter of fact....just now, in front of his sister.....there was a classic adhd interaction between he and I.......over a very benign topic which I and he KNOW how to address! I threw up my hands and said ...."i am so sorry....I don't know what I am doing here....I will leave you to take care of it" and walked away. I am so sick of this.
PLEASE be assured you said nothing to apologize for...AT ALL!!!!! My opinion was based solely on my thoughts....not anything towards what you said:-)
You are just so kind, Z10! :
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
You are just so kind, Z10! :) I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE your response here. Thank you! :) I did not think that you were addressing your comments only to me! I just HAD to 'MAKE SURE' to 'make myself clear'... as, UNFORTUNATELY... we all KNOW what ''MIS-COMMUNICATION'' can do... :(
I'm SO sorry about this 'incident' here with your husband, in front of your sister-in-law... It is SO PAINFUL to feel 'questioned' and 'disregarded'... KNOW that you are NOT 'questioned or disregarded' HERE. You are COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD.
Find some JOY in this day for yourself! ;)
Thanks again so much, Z10, for your words and thoughtfulness!
~GMP
<<I can tell you that my
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<I can tell you that my husband is BLIND to 'social cues', from me, as well as OTHERS, sometimes causing me' embarrassment', I am sorry to say... He does not 'understand' when people are TRYING TO GET HIM TO STOP a TWENTY MINUTE LONG MONOLOG... It gets SO MUCH MORE IN DEPTH than this... with the 'social cues' that he fails to recognize'... Honestly, I could go ON AND ON... but that is not my point in this response to you, so I won't.
<<
This sounds more like someone who is ASD (on the Spectrum) rather than ADHD. Many who have ASD also have ADHD.
A very long time ago, long before I knew my H had a personality disorder, has ADHD, etc, I suspected that he had Aspergers because he would do as you've described. He'd corner a person or group and hold them hostage with some long meandering story, totally clueless that no one cared to listen. Once a guy tried to excuse himself to go to the bathroom, and H actually followed him so he could continue talking!!! I was so embarrassed. Our child and I had to literally pull him away and go to the car (and prematurely leave the party).
When I told H that I thought he might have Asperger's (this was before it was included in ASD), H denied it because, at least at that time, it was said that Aspies don't "get" jokes and don't have a sense of humor. That would not fit my H who laughs a lot and loves jokes. H became angry at the mere suggestion. But, later her admitted that the symptoms did describe his dad.
Aspies also often have difficulties making friends. While my H believed that he had a lot of friends, his friendships were very superficial. He knew little or nothing about these "friends." And, they only contacted him when they needed a tennis partner, or golf buddy, etc. The friendships were very shallow. H has not kept in touch with ANY childhood friends, while my Facebook is filled with old friends, new friends, and everyone in between. H's Facebook friends consist of my family and a couple of his relatives. Period.
Anyway....my point is that I'm not sure that those symptoms are ADHD. They seem to be some sort of social shortcoming, and Aspie seems to be a better description.
Overwhelmed, You are
Submitted by Zapp10 on
"sensing" what I am where my H is concerned. I have mentioned it before. There is a lot more "behavior" that I have experienced with him that I do not talk about. This is why I have said "I can deal with so many of the adhd issues" BUT if aspergers is a part of this that is a whole new area. I cannot expect from him something he is NOT able to "see" period. He is reading a very good book on adhd and sees himself. This is good for him and me. But the areas that are causing certain problems I am thinking are leaning towards asperger. Adhd and aspergers are very similar and often co morbid.
We are still in separate living quarters and he is not "happy" with that. I cannot go back.......there is no "clue" or "idea" of what our future looks like. Strange way to live.......
Thankyou GMP....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Thankyou GMP....
Though - think it would be hard to mis read someone who is crying bent over the kitchen sink when they are only about 5 feet away. LOL It wasnt just a facial expression at all. Though - my soon to be ex certainly doesnt do well with that at all either. No, he just avoids being uncomfortable unless forced.
I was holding my dog (the one who is terminally ill) while sitting on the couch. He had fallen asleep in my arms. My soon to be ex walked back into the house after sitting outside for an hour smoking and watching video game videos. He sat down and did ask how he was doing. And then he got up and gave me a hug around my neck from behind - so that is something. He is FULLY capable of see and aknowledging someone else's pain... he just doesnt LIKE to.
SS, I KNOW how you feel,
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
SS, I KNOW how you feel, BELIEVE ME... :( But I want to clarify something here...
You wrote, "Though - think it would be hard to mis read someone who is crying bent over the kitchen sink when they are only about 5 feet away."
Of course, it would be! But, in this instance, I would venture to say that your husband is not 'MIS-READING' you... HE IS NOT 'READING' YOU, AT ALL! If he is ANYTHING like my husband, HE IS TOO BUSY READING THE ZILLIONS OF THOUGHTS, IN HIS OWN HEAD!!! :(
Stacey... A few years back, I was LITERALLY SIX FEET AWAY from my husband, not quite 'HEIMLICH'... but SERIOUSLY 'CHOKING', to the point where I was having difficulty BREATHING... and he DID NOT PICK HIS HEAD UP FROM HIS COMPUTER! :( In other words... he DID NOT 'mis-read' me... he simply was OFF IN ADHD 'NEVERLAND'! :(
Please DO NOT think I am giving your husband 'permission'... or excusing INEXCUSABLE 'behaviors'... I am not. It would be MORE THAN OBVIOUS to either one of us when someone is SAD AND IN PAIN... as it comes 'naturally' to us to BE ABLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO MORE THAN ONE THING AT A TIME. It just doesn't 'come naturally' to our husbands...
GMP
Oh - also - late last night
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh - also - late last night he asked about the blender... first time in the 2 weeks I have been working on it. I am grateful that he noticed. He said he would try and take it apart for me today - who knows, maybe that will save it? I hope so. I love that blender... I remember when my late husband got it for me... How excited he was that he got me something I wanted. Back then we had NO money - so it was a stretch to get anything like that.
I guess after spending 13 years with my first husband - even though we were planning on divorcing - I was spoiled with someone who treated me sooooo good. Up to the day he died we were the best of friends and spoke every day. He was an amazing person, so thoughtful and caring. Its crazy to think how opposite my current spouse is from that. Night and day. I dont like to ever compare them - but now that current spouse will be my ex soon - I guess it doesnt matter. But I will NEVER EVER be with someone who treats me as poorly and cares so little for me as my current. I hope one day I can find someone who has the character and strength my late husband had.
Sigh.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I don't know if your husband's behavior is ADHD related or just part of his personality.
My ex husband acted this way. He was a different person when we were dating, and during the first two years of our marriage. After our son was born about three years into our marriage, he changed. He became narcissistic, and it was all about him.
I didnt even get a full year
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I didnt even get a full year of the "honeymoon" phase... :-(
Honestly - I probably should have bailed after my first visit to see him (he was living in another state and we were long distance). I cant explain why I didnt... I felt such love and such connection too him. I guess I had our long friend ship in mind, and all our shared interests. He was only "loving" towards me for the first 3 months of our relationship. Once I visited in the flesh - everything went upside down. All the attention, that "courting" stuff - went away. At least until he "needed" me for something. Then the love comes back.. temporarily.
He will be leaving soon - and I am OK with it. My mantra. My life will be filled with peace, excitement, travel, hobbies and love. I wanted him to be part of it. He would rather be alone and play video games. More power to him.
honey moon phase
Submitted by I-have-adhd on
Most people don't get a year of the "honeymoon phase"...I know I sure didn't. It's really hard to once you're stuck with that person. You should go out and enjoy your life! Find happiness in all you do!