Figured some stuff out. I think this hurt/anger flashes I am experiencing is related to the fear I have felt for the entirety of my relationship with my husband. I have not had ANY security in our relationship. I have not had any time to just "rest" and be "safe" in my marriage. His constant threats of leaving every single time there is some sort of crisis or any time we start really getting in sync and things are GOOD, he threatens to bail and I have to fight to keep him. I have lived in constant fear of him just running away instead of being a grown man and talking wth me - the woman he supposedly loves. I dont know if this constant running away is more to do with the CSA or the ADHD - or maybe both - with the ADHD being aggravated by the new fears and emotions he has started feeling since being with me, and since attempting to face the CSA stuff. The only thing I DO know is that he cannot be trusted to keep his word, and yet he expects me to keep mine. He swore to never put me in this spot again - but that promise only meant something in the moment. No one can live with someone and trust them when their word is only as good as their mood.
But I know for me- living in that constant fear is mentally exhausting! I cannot think of a period of time more than 2-3 months where I felt confident in our relationship. In a way, now that I know he is leaving for good - so much of that pressure is relieved. I can no longer "wonder" as it IS happening. I can face the sadness and hurt and just deal with it and move forward.
I no longer live in fear though. I know that I have done all that could. I know I will wake up the day after he is gone knowing that I did everything I could to protect, save, and thrive in my marriage. Sure, I am going to hurt as I mourn the loss of the man I thought I would spend my life with. I will mourn my visions and dreams of excelling in our shared hobby together. I will come to grips that I will no longer be there, rooting him, on while he fights in tournaments and I wont be there to fix his armor after a big battle, adjusting straps, making sure things are lined up right etc... (we do medieval re-enactment). I am sad that we wont be laying on the beach together in Hawaii drinking coronas listening to the waves crash on the shore. I will no doubt cry myself to sleep occasionally as I remember when he was there, next to me, safe and sound. As I sew my new clothes for events, I will no doubt have a clutch in my heart that his stuff will forever be put aside in some box somewhere, to be ignored. I know that one day, when his daughter gets married - I wont be sitting up with the family watching the child I love as much as I would my own celebrate her beautiful day, holding his hand as he finally comes to grips with the fact that his little girl is a grown woman. There wont be any grandchildren to hold, or to spend the night at our house - having fun playing games and watching movies. There will never be a romantic dinner, looking into his eyes and feeling all that love I thought i wasnt even capable of ever again.
But I wont have regrets - because I tried to save it all. I gave everything I had to save it, to protect those promises and vows because when I said them they MEANT something to me, even though they were just words on the breeze to him. I kept my word. My character is true. My words were from the heart and soul and I lived them. I wasnt playing games, even though I was being played with.
I wont ever have to beat myself up and think that I could have done more, tried harder. I DID and it was not good enough. And I dont have to be afraid any more that I might do or say something that scares him away, like a little tiny delicate deer in the forest - scared of its own shadow.
Sorry - rambling today. I just know that I refuse to live in fear ever again. I guess that is one good thing that has come out of this very very emotionally expensive failure.
Stacey, am right there too
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Your post really spoke to me, and said many of the same things I too have felt, (and tears shed), but you said them much better. I know the fear you speak of, and the sadness of when you come to the realization that your spouse (for whatever reason) is just not invested in the marriage, and seems to need an "out" of one thing or another, This made me question why my husband even asked me, (in the first place) to get married. Maybe it was a hyper-focus thing, or a lack of control, or a "now/not now" thing, but whatever it was, our marriage could never get to any "deeper" level than surface. We always seemed to be roomates instead of "married PARTNERS". I too, took my vows very seriously, and wanted our marriage to flourish, and us to have wonderful "golden years", where we could rely on each other through thick and thin. But, we too stayed in a state where his fears of life itself, seemed to run his life, and my fear of "never communicating/and or having a loving relationship", kept things always on a friends basis, instead of really KNOWING each other, inside and out. (and WANTING to know each other)
When I left, I told my husband I didn't want to be "second best" anymore, I wanted to be someone's "first best".
I know our sad days will get fewer and easier, but it IS hard to lose the dream and the investment of our hearts. I hear you, and wish you well.
Dede
Dede - thankyou. I know that
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Dede - thankyou. I know that you and I are on similar paths. It sucks doesnt it? Sometimes its almost unbearable. Other times I am euphoric realizing that I will no longer accept this treatment. I dont care the reasons why he does it - because it all boils down to he is a victim and will not stand by his own word.
To me - thats the biggest problem. I feel like I can trust him about other women, trust him to not do things to not betray me in THAT way, but I cannot trust him to keep is word to me about *US*. And no matter how you spin it - that is a huge problem. If you cannot trust your spouse to keep their word - you cannot build a future. Literally the ONLY PROBLEM I have with my spouse right now is his cut and run threats every time things get rough or when they get good and we are in sync. He has this deep believe that he cannot be successful in anything he does. Other than that one thing- we seemed to have resolved and managed dealing with everything else.
I really thought we had finally gotten to the point that we could both rest in the comfort of that trust of "being" there. He certainly was able to have that rest.... I really believed that while we had a long road ahead of us before we had that ideal marriage dealing with the CSA, that we were ready and prepared to tackle that when he was ready. Hell, even back in the first of January of this year, we were talking about how it will be nice to have a drama free year. A year with out some sort of major crisis... And then he manufactured this one. How could he do this to us? After everything! We were finally to the point of being able to put the past behind us, start building a real future, finish our house, and plan for the great adventures we dreamed of for so long.
I am deeply angry about all of this. I feel robbed. I feel taken advantage of. I feel completely used. And it doesnt matter if he says that he wasnt using me or isnt robbing me - because the facts are he did and he IS. He is robbing me of the future I have invested in over and over, all with the promise of "I will work on making our future better - dont leave me" from him. Its not him that has put in the work, its me. Its not him that invested their money - its me. Its not him that invested his emotions - because he just turns those off - the whole time asking ME to believe in him, have faith in him, to trust him. And then he ripped it all out from under me.
I am angry. And I get angrier. Even though things are civil and even somewhat relaxed in the home right now that we still are sharing because of logistics, that anger is there in me. I see it in my lack of patience with him. I dont want to put up with ANY more from him since there is no reason to. No more "is it better to be right or happy with your husband" bullshit. I love him very much, but I am also working very hard to let go of that love, and part of that is stopping myself from being concerned about his reactions anymore to things that bother me. Frankly - while he is in *MY* house (mine since he refused to make it his home as well) then he can deal with *ME* and *MY* wants instead of how it has been with me catering to him.
I know my anger is the result of living in fear for so long, and doing everything that I was supposed to to make things work. I followed the instructions from our councilor, to the T. For both our shared sessions and my individual ones. I DID the hard work of looking inside, seeing where i could make changes that would make our life together better. I did the worksheets, I did the reading, I did the swallowing of irritation and anger because I wanted to also "choose my husband" over "choosing to be right". I accepted his bold faced lies to keep the peace and create an opportunity for him to save face and make real change. ALL FOR NOTHING. All for him to run like a little scared bunny because "OH NO.... THERE *MIGHT* BE PROBLEMS ONE DAY!!!! WAAAAHHHHH I cant do it... too hard to stand up and be a man of my word. BOOOOHOOOOO I am inconvienienced... I cant handle it...."
Ugh... yeah - that anger I have worked so hard on releasing is back - and I welcome it with open arms.
have not had ANY security in
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
have not had ANY security in our relationship. I have not had any time to just "rest" and be "safe" in my marriage. His constant threats of leaving every single time there is some sort of crisis or any time we start really getting in sync and things are GOOD, he threatens to bail and I have to fight to keep him. I have lived in constant fear of him just running away instead of being a grown man and talking wth me - the woman he supposedly loves. I dont know if this constant running away is more to do with the CSA or the ADHD - or maybe both - with the ADHD being aggravated by the new fears and emotions he has started feeling since being with me, and since attempting to face the CSA stuff. The only thing I DO know is that he cannot be trusted to keep his word, and yet he expects me to keep mine. He swore to never put me in this spot again - but that promise only meant something in the moment. No one can live with someone and trust them when their word is only as good as their mood.
>>>
My husband would constantly throw out the "I'm leaving you," threats to get his way or whenever he was mad (which was/is often).
Even after he filed for divorce TWICE, and then came home, he'd say nasty things like, "I've left you before, I'll do it again," or some other similarly ugly, hateful words.
When I was dependent on his income (high earnings while I was a SAHM), it scared the bejeesus out of me, because I knew that he wouldn't have to pay me much in support.
During the two times H filed for divorce, my sibling (a therapist) told me, "don't worry. He has borderline personality disorder. He needs you more than you need him. You've done nothing wrong. He's dysregulated. Stay calm. Don't contact him at all" I followed those instructions. And, both times H soon fell apart and came home.
Now, that he's retired and I would automatically get 50% of his pension and of course, half of our assets. Ha! And, I have a successful business.
So, H doesn't say those words that much anymore, but he did say them last night. I just calmly grabbed a suitcase and said, "let me help you pack." H turned around, went into the bedroom, and closed the door.
What was H upset about last night? Lol. OMG. He was upset that it appeared that the Chicago Cubs were going to lose (but they didn't). H loves his Cubbies and he will truly flip-out if they don't end up winning the whole thing, including the World Series. Several years ago when the Cubs lost their chance, H became so dysregulated that he became completely irrational for over 2 weeks.
So, yes, H became angry at me and threatened to move out because his Cubs were losing. He was angry at me for not having a big pity party with him when he thought that they would lose.
He threw all of his "Cubs are losing emotions" onto me, since he obviously has no access to the Cubs to throw anger their way. (How crazy either way!)
My point to you though, is.... You're not dependent on your H for income, correct? If so, then stay strong. You don't need him. If anything, he needs you.
Good lord Overwhelmed! That
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Good lord Overwhelmed! That is crazy to get so angry at an outside source and bring it into the marriage like that. I love how you handled it though. I can imagine you were pretty hot under the collar when it happened. It probably would take everything in me to keep from tossing him out if it was me. :-)
As for my situation - yeah, I am not dependent on him at all - for anything. I count myself extremely lucky. I am very independent, have a solid career, own my house, car, everything I need for logistics. In fact, he is the one dependent on me right now. Though he certainly can live on his own - he has never actually done it (contrary to what he believes). My husband has never had to pay his full way ever from what i have found, he has always relied on his mother, and friends and now me to supplement his life choices. Hell, even when he was separated from me the last time, he was short on his "rent" he was paying to his friends that I ended up paying when he came back so that they were not out. I do think that this is going to be a really rough wake up for him when he leaves here. But its his choice. And I have no desire to control him - never have (even though this whole thing has come about since he feels like he has no control of his own life - 100 bucks that this is related to World of Warcraft movie that came out making him want to play that game again - and I dont allow that game into my house, its no different to me than a mistress and I am not having it. I guess you can say thats the one control I have set - for ME and not for him since I dont like who he is when he plays, he has zero self control when he plays and he flat out told me to my face he cared more about that game than he did me TWO times - so yeah, not allowed in my life period).
Anyway - yes - I am fully independent of him. Never needed him for anything. I wanted him to be in my life because I love him and what he said he wanted to bring to my life emotionally and physically. I wanted him to be my partner, not my child. the SADDEST thing is - in the last 6 weeks before he went back to work full time he kicked into gear, and started DOING the things he had been promising for years. He stepped up and really made a difference and it showed in his face. He felt accomplished etc. Had he been doing that the whole time he was out of work - I think he would be in a hugely different place mentally. Certainly our marriage would be in far better shape. My frustration level and stress level would be exponentially lower. And I think we both would have been FAR happier. Now he is working full time and doesnt have alot of time to be at home and keep up on his part of the work. I understand its exhausting - just because I work from home doesnt make my job easier or less exhausting - just more convinient. So I do get it. But it is what it is. Its his choice. And he is welcome to it. And he is no longer allowed to control me with fear and manipulation - using threats to leave.
No more fear for me. I am not afraid of being on my own at all - I have been most of my life. I am the opposite of my husband - I have rarely had the ability to rely on, and depend on ANYONE to help me pay my way in life. No more fear that I am going to do the wrong things and set him off again - make him want to run again - because he already is and I am just gonna watch him go. I will do the RIGHT things for ME now. And that is not scary - its exilertating!
That suitcase you got for your husband? I am packing for mine. And I wish him well.