So tell me if I am being unreasonable. A little background: both of my sons and my DH are ADHD. Right now only the 17 YO son is medicated. He is a 6'4" tall senior in high school, worked full time all summer and now works part time in addition to school. He has a girlfriend who I ADORE and she is over by us often, which is fine with me. She is a doll and very easy to be around/have around. The 17 YO was also in rehab in February and has been clean and sober for several months now. By and large, he is a good boy. It is my opinion that DH babies him WAY too much. They have this odd up and down relationship--either the 17 YO is all about his dad and I am shit or he thinks his dad is ridiculous and I am the only one who knows anything. The 17 YO does not know the extent of the financial trouble DH has gotten us into or the three other women that have been in his life in the past 5 years. So it's kinda hard for me to hear what a hero/great guy dad is when I know what really goes on. Now here is my issue: over the weekend, the girlfriend was over, we were all home, all was well. DS was messing around and pulled one of my earrings out of my ear. The post bent. It's an expensive pair from Tiffany. I took it to be fixed and it will cost $60 to fix. I think DS should pay for it. When I mentioned it to DH he did not think so because "he didn't mean to". Of course he didn't mean to, but he was running around giving everyone wet willies and I had asked him many times to knock it off, as had his girlfriend. He is like a big Labrador puppy--he means no harm, but he knocks stuff over and stuff breaks. I really feel strongly that DH should pay for it. So DH backed off. When I told DS it would cost $60 to fix the earrings he broke, he said "good thing you have a full time job". So right there he is out of line. And DH sat there and said nothing. No "don't speak to your mom that way", nothing. And I said well, my name is on your account, so one way or the other you will cover that expense. DS lost his mind. And DH continues to say nothing. So DS goes into the kitchen and I say to DH, "you know, to hear from you that a stand-up guy would apologize and OFFER to pay for the earrings would be great, that him paying for them really is the right thing to do". So DH YELLS into the kitchen "YOU WILL PAY FOR MOMS EARRINGS PERIOD. DONE." And looks at me and says there--problem solved. I am so angry I am shaking. Really? That's what I get? Why can't he insist that DS take responsibility for this? If DS rear-ended someone, he really could not say he "didn't mean to" and get out of paying. What is it with ADHD and not taking responsibility? This type of thing has happened many times before. DH gives DS money for stuff he wants that he is unwilling to spend his own money on. When I insist DS pay it back, he get mad at me because "dad doesn't care, why do you?" Because it's weasely behavior, that's why. Because a responsible, mature, stand up guy really doesn't WANT someone else to keep covering them, they want to stand on their own two feet and have some self respect.
thoughts? DH slept on the couch last night--that's how mad I am. I am at work all day, so who knows what will go on when I get home. I am just so sick of being the bad guy.
I'm with you dvance.....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's quiet hard for a parent to hold children, teens and young adults accountable for their actions when both parents aren't in agreement....The younger generations seemed to be vexed w/ a mindset of entitlement and laziness...(frivolity and good times comes first in many instances) Why do they think this way??
If we as parents don't teach our children that every member of the family is a working member, (no free rides) then what are we sending out into the world? What is their success rate percentage in life and as a employee look like?? We hear parents complaining about adult children wanting to move back in and live off their aging parents....How were they raised, and taught growing up??
Yep, I agree w/ you 100%....
But....To me, you made the same mistake I've made way to often....Instead of calmly calling your Son into another room, or waiting until he was alone, showing him the bent earring. And explaining to him that he will need to pay to have it fixed...You placed an expectation on someone who doesn't share the same thought process as you....(It doesn't matter if 100 of us on this site think he should have supported you)...It doesn't matter at all, because you live with him.....If you would have taught your Son an accountability lesson like you intended to do, and did to a point, without bringing your husband into it you would have accomplished what you and I agree would have been the right thing to do....
What you did was turn something good, into something wrong and unhealthy...Because you engaged your husband the way you did... this is what happened......Your Son's immature mind now is thinking, Dad thinks I'm a victim!....Instead of, I need to keep my hands to myself, and the results of not doing it is a 60.00 lesson...(Accountability!)....Your husband was probably embarrassed and felt compromised and disrespected because of your demand for him to support your opinion...(based on your post, I'm thinking the girlfriend was present) and take up your view of the incident....And you; who had the right idea in my opinion on how to handle the incident ended up upset and angry because you could not get your H to think like you?
I can't go through my W in order to send a message, or demand she agree w/ my opinion in what message needs sent to our four grown children or our grandchildren....I've done it many times in error, and it ended up just like your evening....
I think you should apologize to your husband for your anger and for your verbal efforts in insisting he agree with you, and take up your expectation of him to deal w/ your 17 year old...You asked so this is just my opinion, based on your post....
I understand where you are! I know how difficult it can be to live with a spouse who for the most part has completely different priorities than you do.....But, unless I accept it, respect it, instead of placing expectations for it to not be that way...Then I'm the problem...
C
I should clarify--the earring
Submitted by dvance on
I should clarify--the earring was damaged on Sunday, I took it to be fixed on Monday. The girlfriend was not present for that conversation--it was only me, DH and DS. And today I get home and DH has put $60 on my pillow. It did not come from DS because I checked his account. WHY can DH not let him take responsibility for this??? DH kept saying it was an accident, he didn't do it on purpose. I know that. That is not the point. Even some things we do by accident have bad consequences. Let him feel that.
<<What is it with ADHD and
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<What is it with ADHD and not taking responsibility? This type of thing has happened many times before. DH gives DS money for stuff he wants that he is unwilling to spend his own money on. When I insist DS pay it back, he get mad at me because "dad doesn't care, why do you?" Because it's weaselly behavior, that's why.
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One thing I've noticed with ADHD folks with anxiety issues is that they "make excuses" or "avoid confrontation" because of their anxiety. It's just "easier" to "let things go," rather than confront and insist that someone behave properly.
there is also a lacking of foresight. Your H isn't thinking, "hmmm....what is the long-term consequence of this? What bad habits am I teaching or reinforcing." No, they just want the issue to "go away" because it causes them anxiety.
I agree with you about the money thing for a couple of reasons: Not only are you doing the right thing, but allowing children/young adults to be "spendy" with their parents' money doesn't teach them how to be responsible with money.
You are correct on so many
Submitted by dvance on
You are correct on so many points OWW!!! DH told me he gave me the money because he just wanted it to be done and why did I care where it came from. Um...because I would like DS to learn the lesson here, feel the consequences of his actions. DS takes his girlfriend out all the time. He burns through his money like there is no tomorrow. He can pony up this amount. DH will turn himself inside out to just "be done with it". He uses this phrase often.
I agree....
Submitted by c ur self on
He did him no favor not allowing him to learn from this....
C
You are right!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You are right!
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but he was running around giving everyone wet willies and I had asked him many times to knock it off, as had his girlfriend.
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When children are doing things that they should NOT be doing AND they cause breakage/damage, then they are liable. I raised my kids that way.
If my kids were doing what they were supposed to be doing, but then something accidentally broke, I would just say, "be more careful" or "accidents happen."
However, it's NOT AN ACCIDENT if the person is doing something they're not supposed to be doing and/or they've been told to stop.
The "he didn't mean to" defense by your husband just teaches that it's ok to be RECKLESS and then not be held responsible because "he didn't mean it." If your son was DRIVING carelessly (fast or reckless) and he totaled your husband's car, would your husband simply say, "oh, he didn't mean to do it"? If your H would have that response, then he needs his head examined.
My mother in law taught my husband BAD HABITS and did NOT teach him to be careful. H would often break things, and my MIL would just say, "Oh, that's ok, I wanted to buy a new one anyway." Ugh
I said almost the same thing
Submitted by dvance on
I said almost the same thing about the car: if DS rear ended someone and caused some damage, would DH cover that too??? And DH wanted to know if DS dropped a bowl, would I make him pay to replace it? Not the same thing--these are my favorite earrings, they cost a lot and he was asked repeatedly to stop the behavior that resulted in the $60 damage. That's a lot more than a bowl would cost. Understand we are not broke, but I kinda don't have $60 to throw away that way. AND I want DS to learn the lesson. Over the summer, DS traded life guard shifts with another guard (they do it all the time) but it was on July 4th so he offered to pay the girl $60 extra to take his shift. THAT is dumb--it is more than the shift pays for gods sake. And DH covered that for him. I made DS pay it back to DH and that caused a major disruption too. I just don't get it. I wish DS had the self respect and integrity to do the right thing, but he has absorbed from DH that the short cut way is okay. I predict DS is going to have a tough time in the real world. He is likely going to take a gap year before college and may stay with a family in Costa Rica while doing volunteer work. If he broke something in their home, wouldn't he be expected to replace it?? DH did not think that was the same thing.
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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If he broke something in their home, wouldn't he be expected to replace it?? DH did not think that was the same thing.
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It kind of is the same thing and this is why (tell this to your H)....
When children grow knowing that they'll be held accountable for their actions, mistakes, etc, then they learn to be careful.....they learn to be VERY careful. When they haven't been held accountable in their homes, they don't easily "turn on the switch" to be careful in other people's homes. They might WANT to be more careful in someone else's home, but it won't be second-nature, and they will forget....and then break things. How do I know this? I live with this.
Yes, your H would probably expect your son to replace something he damaged while being a guest in someone's home. BUT....guess what?!?! Your son will be LESS LIKELY to ever face that dilemma IF he was taught to be CAREFUL at home.
Great Parenting Lesson
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
And great advice from C as well. I admire you for standing up for yourself and insisting on the payment. I have been a single parent for 17 years and have not done as good of job of teaching my daughter to be accountable.
My husband avoids conflict at all costs. It is what drives his dishonesty at times. He would rather lie than have to deal with the consequences of his choices, making it worse for him in the end, because he lies about the dumbest things.