Does anyone else have this experience with their ADHD person? He seems to need SO many compliments on pretty much anything and everything he does. He makes the entire Thanksgiving dinner every year--he always has. And it's fine. But for gods sake--all the fishing for compliments--before the meal when I say something smells good, not Thank you, but REALL? It smells good??? in response. Then all during dinner--every bite he takes is followed by a deep sigh and then yes, this DID come out well or some such. Jeez. Enough. This evening he made some tofu thing and yes, it looks and smells great, but then he goes in to the kitchen to taste it and comes out with this look of bliss on his face. I say WHAT? And he goes, Wow, that really is delicious. And by the way--I tasted the item that caused the blissful look and guess what--not that good.
The constant need for compliments--it's just exhausting. And can I tell you--he is a fine cook, but by no means on his way to professional chef for gods sake. Same with anything he does for the boys--if he buys them something or makes them something--it's just constant. Am I just being a big bitch?? Anyone else experience this? There is so much undone around our house I cannot stand it and then he wants all these kudos when he DOES do something? His bedroom closet looks like a hurricane ran through. His desk in our master bedroom--same. The garage--worse. The carpet that needs cleaning--bugging me for months. The stuff he leaves laying around the living room--drives me nuts. But oh yes dear--a million thank yous for the dinner. I am a big bitch aren't I. I just don't think any amount of compliments are ever going to be enough.
My ex didn't do this, but you
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex didn't do this, but you're not a bitch.
Yes, my H also...but not because of adhd....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I understand how you think ....can he get enough praise? For me....I know why with my H. He was raised in an emotionally devoid atmosphere. Though not intentional, I am sure.....what did not happen was affection, praise, validation and he is not the only sibling showing the effects. There was far more impatience and exasperation from an overwhelmed mother(7 kids) and a father who was as absent as possible pursuing his own attention needs.
It makes me sad to see what the childhood family dynamic was for him. I am NOT the only one who sees this....unfortunately H isn't one of them.
The more I read on emotional problems from childhood the more I am seeing waaay too many coincidences in my H. There are some interesting articles on Adhd and this. Experts trying to learn if the emotional issues with Adhd are strictly as a result of adhd or are they a separate issue, and exasperated by adhd. (I think I said that right?)
My H's response to so many things these past several years is way out of line than his norm......which, while I see the adhd.....there is something else.....and I am starting to think the "emotion" side has played into the "denial" of adhd and it isn't his ego after all. He will say his childhood was "fine" but I have yet....after 40 years to hear ONE instance of a "memorable" moment concerning his parents.....but I have heard many where they were NOT happy with him. He has an "affect" that has grown more stoic and somber. He has a noticeable chip on his shoulder and other things. This is simply not adhd alone.
I so get your bewilderment at his needing praise.......looking at my H's possible reason for it has made me back off.
I agree with you about childhood emotional issues...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My boyfriend sometimes has this reaction when he cooks something that he thinks turned out very well. (He says mmmmm, and gets this look of bliss on his face.) He also reacts this way when I cook for him.
At times, it seems like he is fishing for compliments.
At those times, I remember what he told me about his childhood. He doesn't really know his Father. His Father left him, his Mom and two siblings when he was young. His Mom then remarried, to a man who abused him, emotionally and physically. His Stepfather beat him, and put him down on a regular basis, calling him names because he was different.
AdeleS6845....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Separating what is and isn't Adhd has been a long arduous journey for me. I am not going to let this marriage go until I have turned over every rock and exposed every snake hiding there. Not just with my H.....with me also.
It was difficult to "shut down" communication with him and remove myself physically from his presence. I needed to address ME. The marriage was out of whack in a huge way.
Long story short......I learned to look at what was and wasn't "good". I saw my view and his view more clearly. Just recently realized my "nagging"feeling that the adhd is NOT the biggest problem here. Am somewhat hopeful that he will "see" this?.....It will involve looking at his childhood.......which he has claimed was "fine".....with very little mention of it either way...but was constantly stopping by their house....almost daily for the past 40 years. He had an ..it was ..what it was attitude. Oh my. I have been a part of that family for 40 years and I "saw" it within the first year! Many of his siblings lives have been a MESS, and I do mean MESS......it is all so sad to see.
My heart is more compassionate to seeing and understanding how this has played out in our marriage....and while I am hopeful......in the end......his "choice" will determine our futures whether apart or together. I am good with that.
I am glad you are aware of his history.It IS a BIG DEAL. Adhd seems like a cake walk compared to this.
Zapp.... "He has claimed was "fine"
Submitted by kellyj on
My T told me once in his office....that the one consistent thing were he always tell when someone had been abused by their parents? They would always "insist"....that their parents ( or parent ) "Love me" and they would fight with him or try and argue that...he was to try which he already knew better? The worse off you have it it seems...the more insistent you will be that everything was fine? "My mother or father ....Loved me!!!! God Damn it!!!!! " And then try and make excuses for them and try and convince him otherwise when in fact....these parents not only didn't Love them....they showed the oppotsite of Love which is really confusing until you realize....this is denial....to protect themselves from what they don't want to look at?
This is where I really have to be careful with my wife as well? She insists her mother Loved her ( as she says ) to the best of her ability? Which really is her making excuses for her mother in the same way? It is and was so obvious to me...from all the stories I heard ( and then saw and experienced myself with her mother ) I can't think of a worse case for a Good mother in respect to my wife's mother....than if I had tried to come up with an horrible story to tell about a BAD mother with major league problems in the mothering department...in my wildest imagination but I'm sure there are worse out there too.....but they might have some stiff competition there...none the less?
And too the point...if I had to tell my story...from that place in where I was? I would have said....."oh yeah....my Dad was great and funny and we had some good times together." Which was true....but if you took the bulk of my experience...and looked at those "few crumbs" I got.....the good times were dwarfed or pale in comprising to the amazing amount of failure on his part to be a good father in a Loving way....that that first comment would lead you to think......sure.....sounds pretty normal to me? NO!!!! NOT NORMAL WHAT SO EVER!!!!!! LOL I repeat....not normal!!!!!!! LOL
One thing I remember in my T's office early on...and starting to talk about things with him and I remember one of those ( duh questions now? ) as I remember one of the plaguing questions I had which I finally had someone to ask about? As I was sitting there telling him at first how it was not all that bad and it really felt like the average family....as I sat there I went " Yeah but....there are a couple questions that I have had anyone explain to me? What does it mean....when someone never apologizes to you for anything? I mean....my father in my entire life...never said the words....I'm sorry....to anyone so I guess I was not different but.....that seemed odd to me? What's up with that? I thought that was really strange but...I guess that's just who he was which I always thought it was Okay but....it just seemed a little strange is all? "
I can tell you one thing....if a human being never says the words "I'm sorry".....EVER.....not even once in your entire life time to anyone, for anything, NOT once EVER??? That should be alarming.....and in my case....I thought.....eh??? What ever.....no big deal???" LOL That is a HUGE DEAL!!!!!!!!!!! And a HUGE problem.......but I didn't realize it...because I was in denial?
My Dad wasn''t ALL BAD either......but he was a lot shorter in supply of anything good...than he was in the bad department but I had made an excuse for that so long ago.....I never really considered it again especially....when you are REQUIRED......to Admire him, and praise him for all the good things he did....and never show you didn't or that would be problem? That pretty much says it all...but here's what I remember there too just to illustrate this more ( Gas-Lighting again ) I remember one time asking my father...."why does it work...where you get everything...and no one else does???" in a moment of complaint and whining? And he said..."When you get to be my age.....then you can have what I have an not until then."
I've got to tell you......if I was waiting for that to happen.....I'd be waiting the rest of my life and still be waiting but......Thankfully....I don't want what He HAD !!!!! (n know what I mean?? lol ) Since I am now in that place and even a older than he was when he said that.....which is a good thing for sure and am very thankful I DON'T have what he had and all that went with it? You can't take it with you in that case....even though if my father could have ...he would have if that was possible!!!! LOL
Therapy is good. Denial.....not so good?
J
dvance, husband does the same
Submitted by dedelight4 on
dvance, YEP, I know this one very well. My ADHD husband does this regularly, and ESPECIALLY when he cooks things. He has always "fished' for compliments, and it's never enough. And, you are right, it IS exhausting, especially since he doesn't GIVE any compliments out to me or other family members. He will give compliments to friends, "outsiders", etc, but NOT our close family.
I've been reading about "attachment theory", that J has written about, and it SURE seems to be viable. I see my husband's lack of attachment, due to his mother not closely bonding with her children OR grandchildren. She would compliment my husband when he was a little boy, on "Not needing her". She would say this (name is changed), "Joe, just always goes off and plays by himself, he doesn't NEED me, which is wonderful". THAT, is a very BAD way of mothering. She CAUSED her son to have "attachment issues", and not be able to truly bond with me or with anyone ELSE. (just my arm chair psych evaluation, LOL)
Anyway, also about messiness. YEP, again. DH can mess up a room in nothing flat, and it look like a tornado hit it, but then be critical of any messes I or other family members make. It REALLY IS CRAZY MAKING. Just another reason, why it is healthier for me to stay separate from him, lol.
I've always chalked it up to insecurity dvance....
Submitted by c ur self on
The constant need for affirmation just seems to be part of it....
C
Check
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Weird. Would not have guessed this was the ADD. My husband will go from 45 to 6 years old in about 2 seconds. If I have the energy, because I have been caring for myself, I try to support him. Seems only fair as I felt it necessary to dole out the criticism freehandedly for a few years. I am less giving when I have been left behind a few too many times, but I try to be respectful. I don't usually need the overt compliments. Must be a pretty sad place inside of him that needs the light. It was exhausting for sure, when I wasn't taking care of myself.
Yes, yes, yes....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
But I don't think this need is ADHD. I think it's low self esteem, being needy, and more.
For my H, I can never thank him enough, never appreciate him enough, never compliment him enough. Never enough.
In fact, I've had to start DOCUMENTING my thank you's and compliments to him because he'll insist that he didn't get any.
So, I will text him things like: Thank you for taking care of the dogs today. I really appreciate it. You're doing a good job with them. And, he usually texts back, "thanks" or "you're welcome". If I get no response, I copy/paste and resend.
Why do I text him?
Because if I only SAY it, then next week he'll swear that I never thanked him and then I'll be told that I'm lying when I say that I did. So, now I whip out my phone and SHOW him that not only did I thank him and show appreciation, but he definitely saw it because he responded.
Yes, I need to have a record of nearly everything because I've spent much of my married life defending myself....thank goodness for text records, time stamps for phone calls, etc.
Yes that sounds familiar
Submitted by waldewin on
Yes that sounds familiar to me as well. My boyfriend also has a tendency to forget all about my compliments and then complain that I am not giving any. I would say the same as new, it is the low self-esteem and the fact that, he was probably punished and shamed a lot due to his adhd. He is used to being a disappointment so he needs a constant inflow of 'drug'- your praise or otherwise all his self-confidence does wandering about again.
I can only guess that, your husband is also very sensitive to criticism, is he not? And he will remember criticisms way better than the praise you give him? I am not sure if you can talk to your husband about such things, but I would advise him to look at toxic shame. It seems that he is carrying much with himself. Unfortunately it is not a lot that, you can be doing besides making sure that whenever you criticize him you make it extra soft and try to follow this with a praise. Also try to check if it is not visible from your praise that, you are super tired of praising him- you know the, fine I will give you this compliment if you really want to, attitude.
Anyways, I understand you frustration. Living together with someone who constantly needs their tank for attention and love fulfilled, can be like living with a small child.
Confirmed ........ Waldewin
Submitted by kellyj on
I've mentioned something in the past in my posts about the concept of "forced compliance" ( and used the example of PC or being Politically Correct ) to do so? If you look at this a little closer ( step back from it ) and see what is happening.....it is both....a good thing....and a bad thing.....both at the same time? On paper....there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the idea...and the idea is for good reason? Prejudice and divisiveness....hurt others on the whole....and things that cast negative dispersions on a particular person or group is not good for the whole of humanity and there fore is good for everyone to get into the habit of thinking about others in a more humanitarian way which are all good things? Passing it forward and all the good things that go with it....really are good for everyone so on paper....this idea is a good one and there appears to be nothing wrong with it? And especially in applying it to schools or public institutions ( government policies and institutions that require these policies to be adhered too? ) Nothing wrong with that and especially on the ground level with children and in our public schools for sure? Tolerance is good. Prejudice is bad....right?
This is where you might think I'm stepping my own foot into it here? Especially since I have ADHD myself? You'd think then maybe....I'd be a strong advocate for such policies since they would support many of the issues I have come to face as well in the area of ADHD and how I am treated at times in a more general way? The idea that for many people out there.....that they need a leg up or a helping hand ( and support ) is not a bad idea with good intentions and it appears that no one could argue this and see anything wrong with this idea AT ALL????
Well....I will tell you what I think about this...and give you my two bits ( which is my opinion...just using those words instead lol ) Here is my critique...or constructive criticism here.
Thinking outside the box. That's the first problem. It goes counter intuitive to thinking outside the box and that is a bad thing.
Entitlement. It promotes entitlement...and entitlement is a bad thing.
It creates a condition of apathy...and apathy is bad thing.
Free will. It goes counter intuitive to free will and promotes dependency...and both....are a bad thing to do and create ( when imposed as a force compliance ) a condition that goes counter to creativity.
It defies Natural Law.....and imposes sanctions on those who go with the flow...and it is rigid and unbending in resisting Natural Law. Natural selection is a universal phenomenon along with all other Laws of Nature. Laws of Nature in other words.....Mother Nature ......and we all know what happens when you fight Mother Nature don't we? Look at our global condition in the environment and global warming? I personally feel...that anyone who thinks this is "Silly" ( as stated by our new or future cabinet appointee ) as said that global warming is "Silly" ( is both ) a statement of ignoarance.and a statement of someone in denial. The argument that Natural Law is the only reason for global warming...is in direct conflict with the Laws of Nature and cause and effect ie: Newtons 3rd Law of physics. For every action...there is an opposite and equal reaction....and no matter how you slice it.....you are pretty stupid in my opinion....to think you can go against the Law of Nature ( Mother Nature ) and think you will win? In my mind....that is retarded thinking on anyones part...even if you are not "retarded" yourself? I think you can replace retarded with the word "stupid" and that would sum this up better perhaps...but not necessarily. That is more PC right there....but did that change what I said by saying "stupid" instead? NO!!!! Nothing changed in the content or meaning of what I just said by using the word stupid instead of retarded did it?
So how can anyone think...by changing the label or "word" to a different one...will change anything or will solve any problems we have? Actions speak louder than words and words themselves aren't worth the paper they're written on along with anyones opinions? And opinion is just an idea....and that is all? There are good idea and bad ideas only if you think in black and white terms?
And as it has been researched and found...that children until a certain age....( as we all were too ) until a certain age...lack the capacity for abstract thought and can only think in black and white concrete terms? It's why the idea of PC is good one...for children to learn and to apply in the context of learning in schools? Children...do not have the capacity to apply intellect to their inability or capacity for abstraction of thought...to apply it to their actions in a way that they could make any sense of complex or integrated thought in terms of seeing or thinking outside the box which is why these idea ( should...you would think ) be introduced at an early age and fostered in our schools because of it? You might say or see this as a "Jump Start" program....in all good ways in schools and education? All good......you might think? Let's wrap this up ....and put a bow on it and call it GOOD. Right? WRONG!!!! Wrong on all account in my personal humble opinion!!!!
Integrated...intellectual thought...is a complex ability or capacity to take an idea in simple terms ( black and white terms ) and synthesize it into and idea which is a creative process in our minds. it requires our brains to choreograph a complex dance or interaction in our brains and utilizes the entire "Natural God Given Process" that Mother Nature intended us to have and literally....forces our brains to work and sometimes work over time. It requires our brains to simply...... WORK!!!! And anything that goes against Natural Law, Mother Nature and allows our brains to be Lazy....makes us retarded and causes our brains to atrophy and go soft and become weak and worthless to us...as Adults that is? And when that happens....we become stupid people on a global level if you want to put PC back into the right context? And as the bumper stickers clearly point out....Stupid People Suck!!!
Stupid people...do not think outside the box? Stupid people....are weak in the brain? Stupid people....are lazy and do not try very hard and in general....Stupid People don't work very well ( or function to the best of their ability or potential )...in a generalized way when all things remain equal in my analogy which again ..is just my opinion and nothing else which is just the culmination of all my experience and knowledge and applying what I know?
And Stupid people....as used in this last bit that I threw in here.....think in black and white terms and cannot think outside the box and use abstract thought very well? And in want I just said and the language that I just used....is very black and white in language only....but the concepts or my ideas are not? It may sound very judgmental from a black and white point of view as well? But when you consolidate this down to the it's lowest common denominator.....what this really boils down to is ability .....not capacity.....and is not a judgment in terms of the ability for one person to do more than another.....and more of an assessment of all these things in relationship to ability.
There is ability to do things ( as of yet )....and there is the capacity to do things which are two different things entirely? Capacity refers to our inherent ability....or potential ability .....in unrealized form which means.....it's what someone ( a scientist, researcher or doctor ) might assess...using the data or their research and the culmination of all this data...and putting into the current findings of any kind of research and then publishing these findings on paper based on the control groups and test groups that were used in these studies? And then as we are and as we humans Love to do....we catalog and organize this information into sub texted and categories which come to a conclusion or summary of all this information to come up with names or labels for these things so we can say them or speak intelligently to others so they will understand and mostly and predictably....these things get applied in simple terms that everyone can understand. That is...in Black and White terms.
So if you are with me so far Waldewin....I'm coming to what you said and applying it but first....I want to give you my personal conclusion or opinion on everything I just said? I am not personally invested in any cause or crusade here first off. I have personally nothing against ideas if they are good ones and I can see the benefits or a good idea? But I can also see the down sides or negative aspects too? I see both...and I can put them both in their proper perspective together and form an opinion as way to critique or criticize the idea using "critical thinking" which is an absolute requirement in order to be "smart" about anything? Critical thinking...is the fundamental requirement in being "smart" and that has nothing to do with IQ or inherent ability. It is a skill that you learn....but only if you learn it? Otherwise....if you don't learn this skill.....you remain kind of dumb and ignorant the rest of your life because this very thing is the difference to being able to empathize with people and the ability to get along with others?
I truly believe...that their are dumb people who have amazingly high IQ's. And there are amazingly gifted and talented people who are by these standards...or low intellectual ability or low IQ as well? So in terns of being dumb or smart.......it has more to do with laziness and just being lazy...than anything else IMHO. Which in terms or work.......this that don't work or are not working " is the cause at the lowest common dominator here? That includes effort, struggle, pain and strife...in order to accomplish anything mentally and then applying it to the real world to get the things we need?
The biggest limiting factor in all of this is opportunity I feel...which is another causal factor or variable to consider here as well? I have found...that there really is ,in almost anything and everything....more than one way to skin a cat...and more than one reason or idea for why things "work" or not? To make anything work.....you need to see it in context to a working model or system and it you approach what is broken and not working from the get go....it implies that it was working once before?( but only if you think in black and white terms. Implication..and assumption..come from black and white thinking? )
That is....if your cell phone worked....and now it doesn't....it is now broken and doesn't work anymore? But if the cell phone didn't work in the first place....as if...they came up with cell phones and handed them to us and said....."well....they will work eventually and we just haven't figured it out yet...but here...you can use it until then any way you want to....and we'll let you know when we figure it out." So at best....a cell phone is about as useful as a paper weight which is about all it would be good for except kind of looking "cool" and interesting as a piece of technology? And the value it would serve as a paper weight would be pretty universally worthless? A rock would do equally well if you think about it and you could you could throw this non working cell phone in a drawer and forget about it? Or throw it away for that matter since it's just taking up space and you just end up having to move around and move it out of your way if it doesn't provide you with some service or function?
So when you apply what I just said...( as just food for thought since this is just my opinion ) I have a few things to say here to tie this all together and I am...leading you here...or better...trying to persuade you...in thinking about this more deeply yourself as well since you were the one who made mention of this which I am only showing you my thoughts on what you said? I would not have had these thoughts at all...if you had not said what you said here just so you know and I appreciate your input here...for giving me the opportunity to have these thoughts in the first place? Without you saying what you said....I might not have these thoughts which to me...are extremely valuable since I am applying it now to what I saying to you...and giving you my feed back from just what you said? And in this way.....I am sharing my conclusions with you so you can use them or not...in the same way you just supplied me with some valuable information....so I am returning it in kind if you want to look at it this way too? I don't always say this in fact...I normally don't.....and that's just the point.....we don;t always share these things with others..and we assume a great deal? And that right there...is why I hate Stone walling so much? It may appear to be good for the person doing it....but it is bad for everyone else? And since I feel...the answer to this quandary has to do with this directly.....it is your responsibility not just to your spouse...but to everyone in general ( or even humanity as a whole ) to NOT STONE WALL and clamming up!!!! Jesus F&%^$ing Christ Oh Lord!!! It is a travesty of untold proportions to do so!!!! That is swearing to get peoples attention and not just to swear...for no good reason!!!! LOL If there is one thing I HATE....more in this world...is clamming up and Stone Walling!!! OMFG!!!!!! LOL Stone Walling...is the act of stupidly and the stupid ( or retarded ).....IMHO And I do apologize for those where these words goes against your sensibilities but in return...and not taking away from my apology...but saying....my sensibilities are totally violated....when someone Stone Walls me and it enrages me to no end...when I experience this in real life. I am literally outraged when this happens...and the stupidity that experience from it....actually harms me in this way? It is in the very essence of this experience...that is a disrespect to me personally and I feel appropriately angry...when I feel like I am disrespected....legitimately so under the idea that anger is appropriate when it is appropriate and legitimate and being disrespected in one of those times.
I feel that it is my reasonability to not just my wife and you...but to everyone NOT TO STONE WALL because stone walling is bad, a disrespect and is harmful in a global way because of everything I said. It is GLOBAL not personal as I am running this through my head? It's bad for you. It's bad for me. It's bad for everyone so therefore its a bad thing only and there is nothing good about Stone walling period!!! Stone walling.....IS BAD!!!!!! lol There, I said it...and I feel better now thank you. LOL
Unfortunately it is not a lot that, you can be doing besides making sure that whenever you criticize him you make it extra soft and try to follow this with a praise. Also try to check if it is not visible from your praise that, you are super tired of praising him- you know the, fine I will give you this compliment if you really want to, attitude.
Anyways, I understand you frustration. Living together with someone who constantly needs their tank for attention and love fulfilled, can be like living with a small child.
And why is that I ask? I think I just told you? It's because of the crippling effect of good ideas gone bad because people do not use what they have been given by ( GOD?? ) or just using their unrealized talents and strengths and are fundamentally lazy and arrogant and are stupid....as I am applying the word stupid to what I just said?
People have varying degrees of opportunities growing up and have verifying degree of inherent abilities or capacities in respect to being stupid or smart? Not IQ in other words....just in their ability to summon strength and go thorough and experience pain through toil and effort which equates with the idea of what is lazy or not? Lazy does not count...when you are applying it to something that works. If it works it works....determining how well it works ( or to the degree of accomplishment )...is a value judgment or assessment and has nothing to do with being lazy. A cell phone that doesn't work..but is a good idea...is worthless. and ideas are worthless...is they don't work which again...applying stupid to an idea that doesn't work...is a fair evaluation?
So within the concept or idea of PC for example....a critical error in thinking from this arrogant stance is being made here? The system is flawed and it doesn't work. The system itself and the system of humanity is broken and has never worked? To assume that it has ever worked...is arrogant and stupid in itself? And to be so bold and so self righteous within our idea that you can force compliance upon people to fix what has never worked in the first place....is a about as dumb as all get out...again IMHO. That is just simply retarded and somewhat ignorant and NOT thinking outside the box.
Thinking you can fight mother Nature that was...is beyond arrogant and self righteous and making yourself to be GOD like in your thinking which from my point of view....only shows that persons stupidity but again...this is just my humble opinion in an effort to critique the thinking as a solution to fix something that has never worked in the first place? It assumes it did...and that's the problem and critical error in judgment or using.....poor judgment...in this case which can be applied to the concept of stupidity in this case?
Everything bad that comes from this good idea....happens too? You can't deny it...so it is a win / lose scenario. Black and white thinking...is ALWAYS win lose if you stand back and think about it? So in the essence of those who think in black and white terms...you are talking about a child now which is absolutely true?
So why then....you you think it's a good idea to treat adults....or our society ( our social or governmental policies ) and apply them to adults? Is that not....a retarded and stupid idea? I would think it is? Is that not....being treated like a child on your end...if someone were to do this? Or...for you to treat some one in a superior way...if you were to apply PC to them as an adult? Would that not make feel disrespected an outraged if someone were to treat you like a child in the same way you are treated by a society who only thinks in black and white terms as if that is as high as the bar will ever go? And in fact....I put it to you...that the only retarded and stupid person in the room at the time...is the person imposing this incomplete and un thought through good idea...and trying to put a bow on it and call it Good...when it is not good and it is bad...for the all the reason I just argued? The problem is at the TOP......not at the bottom...but within the arrogance that created this...comes the same self righteousness that is at the heart of the matter and thinking that they are smarter...because of their accomplishments as put?
I feel....personally....some are the smartest people or in fact.....what I have learned most valuable to me personally...came ideas and concepts from the dumbest looking people I have ever had the pleasure and honor of knowing? And some of the absolutely retarded and completely stupidest ideas...have come from some of the smartest LOOKING or appearing people I have ever met in fact......teacher, educators, doctors, priests, clergy, politicians and once at the top telling you these things are sometimes the most ignorant and the most fucking retarded people on the planet sometimes and then some but in that respect...are the ones who come up with these brilliant....completely non-working ideas ...and then sell them to us as GOOD ones...and then try and put a bow on it and call it GOOD when they are not good and are bad ideas ....because we said so??? Who's this we.....you got a turd in your pocket??? Of course...this is not saying this in black and white terms. There are good ideas...their are good people in these positions....but just because they are good people and have a lot of knowledge...doesn't mean they think outside the box and use critical thinking?
And in what I am saying....if you were to trace the ideas and the concepts of anyone and apply it too there thinking....when you distil it all down to the lowest common denominator at the bottom line.....I think you would find black and white thinking as the culprit or an bad idea that didn't work.. because black and white thinking...shows the thinking of a child who is not very "bright" no matter how intelligent they are. No matter how wealthy, powerful, good looking, good intentioned and good in everyway imaginable as an adult....if you can't think abstractly....if you can't think outside the box....if you can;t apply any other thought or idea to a problem other than black and white thinking to it....then you ( or they ) or anyone....has all of the ability or capability of a child and is reasoning on that level no matter what?
But there is another consideration here...and that is what is practical, pragmatic and realistic and sometimes the best ideas...are not practical at all and this is where it gets right down to it? If it's not practical to use the best idea in an ideal world....then you have to go with what is practical and pragmatic? But this is where lazy starts coming into play? Arrogance ( and self righteousness ) and laziness make for a bad combination? What is hard....is not easy...by definition in black and white terms. What is hard I might add? Things that require work? And if it doesn't;t work sometimes.....then lazy says it's broken because we don't want to put in the work to fix it because we are all inherently lazy and look for comfort and what is easy? Another critical error in thinking and a critical mistake to make? We are not entitled to be comfortable. This is not something we are owed by being alive simply put? If cave men and women...needed to eat....they had to figure out how to get food...or they would die? And once they figured it out...they had to apply it to see if it worked? And if it didn't work....well? You do the math? They were probably pretty black and white in their thinking at that primitive level of thought....but....the bottom line is....if they didn't work...they didn't eat and therefore they would die?
What we are most unwilling...to give up more than anything....is the ability to be comfortable and that is the problem with all of this...since that circumvent Mother Nature and trying to circumvent mother nature....is stupid....IMHO.
I will always remember a professor in college in one of my business classes ( like basic 101 stuff ). Who said quoting him as I remember it " Everyone has good ideas...it's the person who comes up with the idea...and then figures out how to make it work....and then comes with the idea and the entire plan and system involved all worked out and ready to use....is the one who will get the job because that person is the type who can get the job done." That is a working concept from start to finish and scratch...and not trying to fix something that is broken or is not working already? That involves more than black and white thinking in order to do this which means....thinking outside the box? Ideas are great....but are worthless...unless you figure out how to make it work...from start to finish in a completed working form. That includes what is practical.....but it doesn't include being lazy or being comfortable? Those things do not apply....when you are talking about something that works? IMHO
And black and white thinking....and concrete thought....takes the bar about as high as it can ever go....in respect to child...and no higher than that if you are wanting to change or wanting to improve...it requires more than just black and white thinking but sometimes not? Sometimes it requires you to figure out for yourself...and then put in the effort like a cave man..so you can live and not die just to survive? And the process of doing it...is how you learn things and you don't have to be a genius....to figure this out?
And if you can't figure out on your own...without someone else doing it for you......I'm thinking....if a cave man can do it....so can you? It takes no special talent...to think outside the box? Like I said before......Caveman make tool......caveman.....no fool.
J
I think I understand where
Submitted by waldewin on
I think I understand where you are getting to and my apologies if I here misrepresent your ideas. Defining a person in need of praise as an inferior (a child) is in fact also putting you to superior position. Douche! I have never thought about it this way, I have just been annoyed about my boyfriends continuous complaints about him not receiving enough compliments. My go to attitude seems to be- go and solve it (it is your problem). To be fair, this is exactly what my boyfriend expects me to do if he thinks I have some unreasonable sensitivity (though love). If we go more abstract, I think there is a fine line between acceptance (empathy) and evaluating what a person needs to do any ways. I would say that, asking for constant praise is something which probably does not have only serious consequences to your relationship, but also to your work and other connections. I have recently started thinking that people who care about you, somehow find a neat balance between pointing their fingers to what needs to change (this in fact is caring if these are things that complicate your life significantly) and acceptance.
Not Being able to Recieve Compliments
Submitted by kellyj on
Is a sign of abuse in his past unfortunately. I was very much like this in my past....but I resolved that quite some time ago and now I receive them well for the most part....even though I still a little suspicious when someone is overly nice to me for no reason? That's actually is a bonifide concern from someone who is easily taken advantage of because....people do or did take advantage of your good nature or being a little naive....and so trust is big issue but that can be overcome and is not directly related to ADHD itself? More a sign of abuse which might help you separate that from ADHD?
Trust is big...and lack of trust is not automatic with ADHD either but more of what I said if that helps you with seeing things from the source?
And to sum up what I was saying directly speaking about your boyfriend? Don't do it for him....you will only bring on everything I said and it won't be helping him at all? Don't fall into the trap of being his mama....he's a big boy....he can figure it out for himself without your help? That's not the role you want to put yourself into or volunteer for and he will resent you for doing or...but more importantly...he will start resenting you if you fail to do it...more importantly? Just don't do it.....and hold you ground?
Going back to what I was saying....a leg up...or helping hand....is not forced compliance ( or a live in Nanny or Man servant ) who is doing it for him? If you can take that apply to you and him and seeing it that way?
J
We need affirmation
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
From an ADHD perspective, for me, it could be because I've heard nothing but criticism, nothing but rehashing all the mistakes I've made, all the times I failed, all the times that I was the broken one who needed to be fixed, all the times of "you never" this or that, all the times of being blamed, all the times that I've been told that I was the defective one who was responsible for the sad state of our relationship. . . . . . while I know being in a relationship with an ADHDer has its own brand of "fun" with enough baggage to fill an airplane, hearing all of these things makes us believe that they are the definition of who we are that ANY compliment that we can get, whether it is a masterpiece we spent hours crafting or opening a jar successfully, is pure gold and we can't get enough of them to counter all of the negative that we feel. Is it healthy? Probably not and there's probably a grey in teh middle that we have to strive for. . . . but I at least wanted to give you the ADHDer perspective of what's going on in our scatter brained mind.
ADHD_Highway_to........ The Exception to the Rule
Submitted by kellyj on
You are so right and I was the same in a very pronounced way. I got criticized to the point that I expected it from everyone...literally. It was really really bad for me with my father especially. He was relentlessly harsh and critical of me...and very very unforgiving!!! I could not believe someone wasn't even thinking it about me even if they weren't and that right there I feel....is why we end up not believing what we here many times and why accepting compliments or even a gift is so hard to believe or trust? I also think...this is where our perceptions of others ( viewed with suspicion and mistrust ) comes from. I was programmed to think this way ( or conditioned to think this way ) by the criticisms themselves. Pretty soon....your radar is so tuned to hear criticisms......you start imagining them or hearing them come from everywhere with everyone all the time and read criticisms into what everyone is saying about you ( or to you ) and you become overly sensitized to them? All of a sudden.....a mole hill is turned into a mountain as far as everyone else is concerned and they are looking at you cross eyed going "what is your problem?" And rightfully so. If you are so sensitive....that the smallest thing sets you off......now to them.....all they had to do was say the wrong thing, the wrong way....and now your off to the races and just over reacting to the smallest "slight"....imagined or real? When it really gets bad....is when you start hearing things or imagining them when in fact.....it may actually be something positive or even a compliment....and it gets turned around in our heads to make it a criticism which is just the opposite or a compliment.....which is really a distortion or reality almost like a hallucination where you're not sure of what you are actually hearing when it gets that bad?
I hear you...and I know this is true. I know it now....being on the receiving end of it with my wife who suffers from the same thing tremendously...but now with me in the reverse... and this is exactly what it looks like to me? Like she is having a hallucination or some kind when I was actually trying my best to be nice to her instead and she has this "talent" for taking a positive...and turning into a negative all by herself? It really is frustrating on the receiving end of it I can tell you? I've said this before in describing the feeling.......I'll be standing there and suddenly it's like she is talking to someone else in the room? I have this feeling like looking over my shoulder behind me to make sure there isn't someone else she is talking to but of course...it's me? And in an objective way at standing back and looking at the two people here.....the reality is....I just paid her a compliment...and she is reacting hostilely to me and I'm going....."what did I say? " This can really do a number on your head especially when YOU...are the same way and now.....you here this as a criticism yourself and take offense by it? Now you are upset ( or feel ) criticized....by someone else's hallucination when in fact....you said nothing wrong and said pretty much exactly what you said with the intention of paying a compliment ...so now your offended by the reaction or hallucination of the other person and now take that personally? It get crazy!!! It's literally...."crazy making" without a doubt?
That's the problem with this right from the start? What are you confirming or validating when we need "affirmation" in those moments? Our hallucinations or skewed perceptions which just reinforce them to say....."Yes....this is right....it's not a hallucination...it's real? " Which is in essence...."agreeing with the distortion which only perpetuates it even more?"
OR
Affirmation that you are off....and it's US....that are seeing or hearing things ( reading into what is said that was not really said at all ) which now feels like more criticism and is basically saying......"you're wrong". See the dilemma coming from the receiving end of it? Here I am...paying my wife a compliment or even agreeing with what she said....and she reacts instantly as if what I said was a criticism ( which is was not ) and I'm scratching my head going?? Huh? Now I don't know what to say but she just accused me of doing something I didn't do? Now what? Do I defend myself? Do I try and tell her that this is not what she heard? Or do I say nothing and let it go? Or what? I have no idea since I have no idea what she just did or why? All I know...is ...I just paid her a compliment? And she just got angry and over reacted to a compliment? Huh?
Which is exactly what it comes down to.....I really have no idea? And I really don't know? I can't read her mind even if it appears...she's doing that with me? It appears she heard something...or has read something ( MORE ) into what I said that was not really said by me...as if she knows what I really thinking....so I must be lying by saying that to her? She isn't trusting the words I'm saying....and thinks she know better in that case? It's like she is saying....."that can't be true???" "He can't really be giving me a compliment?" "He must mean something else but he's just saying this to butter me up before the axe falls." At this point in time...I recognize all of this while it's happening in the moment with my wife...and the safest bet for me...is to not asume anything, not take it personally, and not saying anything more than what I actually know which is nothing...so I say "I don't know?" Which is honest? I have no idea what she is thinking...but I also know I did nothing wrong myself? There is nothing wrong with giving a compliment even if I said one word wrong or not the exact right one and she misread that one word incorrectly...or latched onto it and made it the meaning of the entire thing I said which is exactly what she does? I know that by her response since this one word seems to be the issue and she will repeat that word as being the thing that I said wrong?
It wasn't the "word" that I said wrong or even the wrong word ( most people can tell the difference between words or their alternatives or synonyms )...to put them into their proper context and know what you are saying including you. We all can do this ( like any child can as well...so that's not the problem )..... so speaking somewhat sloppy or lazy in how you are saying it...or even with a limited vocabulary....we can tell the meaning if not everything is said correctly?
The problem comes from this radar that is tuned to pick up certain words and when those words get said....all the other words fly out the window ( the ones spoken by the other person ) and now THAT WORD or "phrase or group of words"......only mean one thing. Criticism!!!!! It must be criticism I am hearing...and I'm sure of it from the past?? While the entire time..it was a compliment all along but "that word"....changed everything?
And sure enough....in becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for my wife when I first would react to her reaction in the past when this started happening between the two of us. And I gave her exactly what she expected....I criticized her for it since she was accusing me of something...I didn't do or say? And now guess what? I just confirmed and reaffirmed.....exactly what she didn't want to hear.....by here doing the very thing that would ensure it would happen? By not believing my words at face value...and hearing them positively as a compliment....instead or reading into what I said as making it a negative comment about her instead? Somewhere...the message got lost in translation and it became a "criticism"....literally out of thin air?
And that's where what I've said many times repeatedly in different ways is really the truest statement I could make here? You are your own worst enemy here. The only person criticizing you really...is yourself in these moments which is why you need to be your own best friend first before you can be anyone else? See how that works? If you can't Love yourself even that much...it makes it difficult to believe anyone else will either? And if you can't trust yourself that much....then it makes it difficult to trust anyone else in the same way? You can only give...what you have to give and if you don't have it for yourself.....you won't have it to give to anyone else either?
Differentiation...is the biggest problem I think and I know this was really hard for me to do for a while but I did finally get a handle on it eventually? I can even do it for you here just to start because it has become automatic....retraining myself from thinking that way anymore ( with lots of help from my therapist who gave me the tools in order to do so? And with a lot of practice and repetition....you can get out of the habit of doing this and change that habit to something else instead? And it resolves this issue from the get go by nipping it in the bud....before it even happens too? Let me show you how in exactly how I do it for myself ( silently but automatically now? )
You said this which is where I see my opportunity to do this. This would be my self talk...talking to myself in these moments as I heard you say what you said .....while I know being in a relationship with an ADHDer has its own brand of "fun".
Stop.... wait. Strike that and reverse it? Being with us at times is absolutely no fun at all? In fact...it is SO NOT FUN...that it is really detrimental to ( fill in the blank here ) and I am causing them a great deal or frustration and heart ache? It's me doing this to them...by the way I am sometimes..and this thing that I do ( not who I am ) is causing them a lot of irritation, frustration, annoyance and down right being angry with me? In fact....if it was me sitting there in their place...I would feel the same as they do in the exact same situation?
So look at what I did here in my own words without even trying? As I go back and look at what I just said without trying to say anything more than just talking to myself and telling myself these things? I just affirmed ( myself )...that its not me who I am...but these things I do that cause this problem and I know this is true and I believe it without a doubt in my mind what so ever? Then I put myself in the others persons shoes ( and used empathy ) to say that I would basically feel the same way and they have a legitimate right to feel the way they do? And I believe it!!! Without a doubt what so ever? I trust myself enough....to know it's true that I do these things even not intentionally..so I don't have to beat myself up over it...even if others accuse me of ( what ever? ) because of it? I know what I did. I know why I did it. And I know that I slipped or made a mistake or error ( what ever again ) and know this is all true? This doesn't make me a bad person or is even a global condemnation of myself if someone points it out to me? I have ADHD...and I make mistakes or forget things and miss minor details that sometimes end up causing a problem for others which is not my fault in respect to my brain or having ADHD itself...I can blame this problem I have at times on my ADHD as the cause....but not blame or use excuses for it and just accept this about myself and try and do my best to make up for it, apologize, or prevent it from happening next time full well knowing....aI will have moments, I will fail sometimes but you know....God damn it.....I'm a good person and I'm doing my best to prevent these things and if I know I am trying my best....that I give myself credit for that? But I do have to take responsibility for what ever error or mistake or failure I've made with some kind of appropriate action to follow .......or just apologize ( a real apology )...that is sincere? If I own up to it...and take full responsibility for it...and then follow up with some kind of action after the fact....which is both....acknowledgement...and follow up acknowledgement (secondary action along with a verbal one )....then I've done everything I can do within my power to do...and made that effort to show that I am aware of it plus....a remedy....which is done without any input from my wife for example....and just leave it at that? What ever ny wife does with this...is what she will do with it? I can't control her reactions....make her or get her to accept anything ( including my apology )...and I have to live with what ever comes at me....if I have determined that it was mu responsibility to he...and somehow I failed? Acceptance, affirmation, acknowledgment, validation, empathy, full responsibility and ownership. I did all of that for myself first....and then followed up with actions both verbally and physically to make up for any damage I have caused? And that is all that is in my power to do which is all I have to give but the key word here is.....I gave it on my own...without having to be asked or forced into it? I gave it with no strings attached....and I need nothing back since that is a gift to make up for any trouble I've caused? And I have found...that most of the time...that's enough? I don't have to grovel, or cower or beg or lower myself to do this? I want nothing here or am trying to "get anything"? I am only giving...and letting the chips fall where they may? For whom ever where this is not good enough for them....I am willing to accept it's not....but not changing my position at all and simply saying.....'this is all I have to give to you.....please accept it" and still feel Okay or feel like I have done what I can....and that's all I can give? And I do this silently without saying any of this...because that would be fishing for something back...and in this case...I am only giving in the sense...from what I have taken from the other person in this case? And ...I believe all of this to be true..and the right thing to do so I just do it without question...automatically?
BUT.....in return....if they don't accept this as enough...or they still don;t like me because of it? There's nothing I can do about that if I did everything I said? If they still don;t like it....I'm not going to start taking in their hatred or anger onto me....because I care enough about myself...to not take their anger onto me after all of this? I like myself..and Love myself that much....that this is the line I have where I say "Okay then....suit yourself"...and leave it at that? I am not going to carry around any guilt or shame...for something that I really cannot help in respect to ADHD...since I am not my ADHD.....my ADHD is just a thing that causes these things...but I know I am working as hard as I can to correct this and minimize the number of times that I fail and I know that too. And I believe that as well? Without a shadow of doubt or a shadow of anything left for me to do? I have resolved this myself...for myself....and this is the best I can do? If they still walk away and do not want to be with me after all of that? I wish them well on their journey...and continue on in mind without a hitch?? And I am Okay with this...no matter what happens and I am prepared for anything to happen in any shape or form or contingency they throw at me. What I will not do for anyone...is lower myself to that level and grovel or forgiveness and betray myself in the process? The second I am being asked to betray myself .....then the answer is....."I'm sorry but no." End of story. Period. No more needs to said?
with enough baggage to fill an airplane,
Here's what I say about baggage. There is no baggage you bring with you. That is a misleading concept? The baggage from the past....is left behind you in the past and is not brought forward with you as this implies? That that baggage is....is unresolved trauma and hurt...so the only way for that not to be brought forward INTO the present....is to go back into the past yourself...and resolve it and then never let it bother you again? It's not what you brought with you...it's what you left behind? Only you can fix that...and you can if you go back in time...and change your relationship with the trauma...and reform it into a different context and resolve it that way? Once you do....it will never come back and haunt you again and it will be resolved once and for all?
The key word and I keep preaching this to the choir!!! Resolution, resolution, resolution!!!! In the first example....I resolved it right then for myself...no baggage or anything being brought with me in the moment...and I let it go forever.....right then...in the moment....so as not having to go back....and do it later. NOW.... NOW ....NOW In the moment or shortly after in the follow up? So when I do that at every turn in the road....I'm clean here..and I stay that way...,and I have to regrets or guilt ( shame ) that I need to hold onto or carry with me? And how I did that was give to the person for my offense....and wanted nothing in return? But I did get something out of it however? Freedom from guilt and shame and feeling that wonderful feeling of being clean and staying that way? Even if someone else will not accept my gift.....it is the thought and effort put into that counts...and I required nothing back from it...than more than this feeling I got which is worth the price of admission and then some!!!! LOL
hearing all of these things makes us believe that they are the definition of who we are
This is the "BIG LIE" ( as I have called it ) The biggest lies.... are the one we tell ourselves and make ourselves believe it? No one "makes you" believe anything? If this is what you believe...then that is all on you? You did this to yourself ( you betrayed yourself. Cardinal no no. The buck stops here )......."you are your own worst enemy". And lets call a spade a spade here? These "things" are the "criticism" themselves....not the People saying them? Who's this we....you got a turd in your pocket? LOL
that ANY compliment that we can get,
So now....if I have done everything I just said and followed my own guide lines and then followed up on them with actions. I'm clean and have no doubts what so ever? Now when the compliment comes......I hear it..and receive it....because I gave without strings attached....which is unconditional Love? And when you give unconditionally...you receive unconditionally as well. That the deal...and that is a fact you can count on and believe yourself without ever questioning if it will work? Be the ball.
When you are the Ball.....you own it. That's the name of that game right there Highway.
whether it is a masterpiece we spent hours crafting or opening a jar successfully, is pure gold and we can't get enough of them to counter all of the negative that we feel.
And the rest of this is superfluous at this point? You need nothing from here on out...and can take it or leave it and it comes fine...and if doesn't....Se la Vie. Your ego is no longer involved anymore.....and it needs nothing at this point in the rest of what you said here?
And that my friend....is how it's done ; )
J