I've been reading everyone's posts for a while, so thank you all for helping me to feel less alone. I really need to tell someone what is happening as I cannot tell anyone I know. My husband is ADHD, has been since he was a kid but his parents chose to take him off medication. He was rediagnosed three years ago and I read everything I could on the subject. He wasn't interested in learning, wouldn't even let me speak about it, and just took the 30mg of Adderall and an anti-depressant that his GP gave him. I said for years that his medication was wrong. It finally took my telling him in August that if he didn't take the reins and get this under control, I was divorcing him. This is the only time that I have said that, although he has threatened divorce for 11 years, which I now realize he does to give his brain stimulation. He picked a therapist completely based on her looks (he proudly showed me a photo of her) which I didn't mind because at least he was going to one, but she knows absolutely NOTHING about ADHD. She has him talking about Mars/Venus communication issues, and has no clue about ADHD. I've read every marriage self help book in 17 years and it was only when I learned about ADHD that everything made complete sense. Luckily she referred him to a psychiatrist to deal with his medication, but he is currently off all meds. Was supposed to wean and re-evaluate, but instead he decided to go cold turkey. His therapist was completely charmed by him, and he can talk for hours about nothing. He would rehash every appointment with me as soon as he left. One time they spent 20 minutes of his session talking about her dog. She would laugh at his "antics" - like his new hobby of stealing street signs and the fact that it bothered me that he handed me his ipad to order him a fake vagina sex toy, as we were lying in bed not having sex. His sex drive totally disappeared when he was on meds, but he said "It's not a problem for me" when I tried to discuss that he needed to change his medication.
He came home from a trip this weekend and said he wanted a divorce (for the second time in 2017). I want to divorce him too, but we have children so I'm trying to handle it carefully. He seemed to be waiting for me to beg him to stay as usual, but I'm done. I finally feel like I can relax because the end is near, so I'm not so irritated with everything he does and doesn't do. Two days later he said he wants to be around me more now than he ever has. He says he wants to plan on getting divorced eventually, but not tell anyone, and in the meantime have an open relationship. (Which is way beyond my boundaries, but I told him that even though I'm not comfortable with it, I would think about it - really just to buy myself time and keep him from a raging melt down.) Here's the kicker - minutes after our conversation about divorce upon his return and two days before he "just thought of" trying an open relationship since we have nothing to lose, he signed up for a sugar babies/sugar daddies service. He immediately made a profile, paid for premium membership, and is now exchanging messages with one of them. Funny that his ADHD has helped me in that he forgot that his email is on our home computer as well. He has no idea that I know and I'm waiting to see a new therapist in a few weeks to figure out how to proceed.
He had a 2-3 year sexting relationship with a woman he worked with. He had an escort text him which he claimed was a "cold call" and then was furious with me for questioning him. I'm 99% sure that he had a one night stand on vacation. All these things I've pushed aside to stay married. My parents were divorced and I've never wanted to put my children through it, plus I've worried about how he would be as an ex-husband if he's this bad thorughout our marriage. I've put up with his drastic mood swings and multi-day silent treatments. I almost never get his full attention. I often feel completely unloved, and I'm shocked when mutual friends tell me how much he loves me and how great our marriage is. I'm in the best physical shape of my life, I get hit on by 20-somethings who tell me how lucky my husband is, while he has gained 40 pounds. I'm kind and loving and supportive and everyone tells him how lucky he is to have me - to which he gets jealous and says "well she's lucky to have me" He's bored with me just like he gets bored with everything else in his life. I kept trying to "not be boring" as he said - as it's always my job to make the changes to keep him happy - but I will never be enough for him. He said he wants someone who can drop everything and just have fun with him. Everything must be spontaneous or a surprise. Planning is "boring". I'm so tired of being the responsible one, the parent. I'm tired of doing literally everything, including help in his office when needed. He "makes the money" so I do everything else. Oh and I'm not even getting into the financial mess he has created...
Despite it all, I still love him. There's a good guy in there. Sadly it's everyone outside our marriage who gets to enjoy him. And even more sad, I've lost every ounce of hope I had that things could get better.
I can't take it, either.
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
I have endured years of trauma dealing with him, down to complete neglect on every single level, complete bullying and victimization by him and his family. Now he wants to act like we have a happy marriage, when I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. He chooses not to be home most of the time, and when he is home he is so irritable that no one can stand to be around him. The slightest noise makes him snap, and he regularly yells at our kids over just about everything. It's gotten to the point I have no desire to ever be intimate with him again, and I'm just tired and burned out most of the time. We have sex less than once a month on average, because I can barely tolerate him. Plus, I am chronically ill as well, taking care of children with chronic health issues as well and forced to work full time. He recently changed the password on his laptop, but before then I would check his search history and see he was looking at porn most mornings. He hid it on some type of removable drive. He has had this issue for years, even when our sex life was good. I am pretty sure he has cheated on me as well before, but I have no solid proof. I am looking for clues, though. I have caught him inviting female colleagues to lunch via text, and when I confronted him about it he said they were just coworkers. Whatever. I know it is just a matter of time before he cheats on me and then decides to leave to pursue a relationship with some bimbo, just like his brother did, and forgo all his responsibilities. Most days I take care of everything, do multiple loads of dishes and laundry and cleaning after coming home from work, and he will pick apart one thing or the other that I did wrong, If I cook dinner, he rarely eats it. He will dirty more dishes to cook himself his preferred foods. When we have family get togethers I am in none of the photos. Zero. It's so fucking sad. I am the glue that holds our family together and both the kids would be in dire straights if it wasn't for me doing everything to get them the help they need. I don't know how to get over my anger at him. Every single day all I can think about is the years of hell he put me through, belittling, overworking, neglecting me, insulting me, telling me I had no friends and my family didn't care about me, etc., etc. I have plans to leave when the kids are close to grown.
I'm so very sorry that you
Submitted by jennae on
I'm so very sorry that you are feeling the same way. My husband has recently learned how to delete his browsing history, but he also constantly looks at porn and escort web sites. Even though he had "no sex drive". I was once reading a book about forgiveness, trying to get over the constant hurts, and he saw me reading it and was angry saying "why would you ever have to forgive me for anything? I've never done anything wrong" He's completely incapable of saying he's sorry, even when I tell him if only he would, we could move past the fight of the moment. He needs a prize or a parade everytime he does something that most people do every day, like put a dish in the dishwasher. I've been planning to wait until my kids are out of the house but I cannot last another 7 years of this...
Girls it sounds like its time to lay down the gauntlet
Submitted by love that girl on
Good evening. I am on the other side of this being the male NON adhd person. I have experienced all that you describe from the other (male) side. I hung in far too long. It seems to me that its time for you to just go ahead and do it. I have no idea where you are in life age wise but you have spelled it out to your mates and gotten little to no response. I am not saying end it and divorce but it seems its time to have "push come to shove". I repeat I DO NOT condone or recommend divorce (if you are married). I was just beginning to learn about adhd (and in my case desr-dysfuncitonal emothional self regulation) when my relationship was imploded by anger and inattention. I have since done extensive research and see I was "running against the wind". The denial and constant struggle made me angry yes...but the anger justified or not....was in response to my being constantly put in danger, physically and emotionally. I could go on and on and will if that helps but, it seems you have given ample opportunity for your mates to hang themselves....please don't let them hang you. You have given and loved until you are empty. Please get good counsel and separate, hopefully you may be luckier than I. By the way.....until they prove they are all in with you, don't bother checking phones and emails ets. ....waste of your time. If you must document it for divorce if you are so inclined, not a recommendation, just a heads up. The denial hiding and outright lies to others about you are not worth it. The enabling from family members and false facades of hiding behind membership in a Christian Church or some sort of support group and hiding within ones home with fellow adhd/desr family members is very dangerous. Even when siblings (road rage) or chldren exhibit dangerous and violent behavior will not change things. When outsiders become involved (police, psychiatrists counselors) the wheel just keeps spinning. They can be very adept at "spinning". We care about them, but they just care about "what they look like". Love them to hell and back but get out temporarily or totally and let it go.
Be Strong
Ltg...the understanding and.....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
compassion in your post is very much appreciated by this person. You spoke with no judgment on either side....This statement....until they prove they are all in with you...is where the rubber meets the road for me.
Most of the posters here are ones dealing with the denial of ADD and unaddressed ADD is NOT FUN for those in close proximity. Like many others, you spoke to the circumstances of those living with someone in denial. And yes....there are very often other issues feeding along with it.
My compassion for my H and his not wanting to "embrace" this issue has now been redirected to myself. He does not have to deal with his ADD......but he will "not deal"........ALONE.......I am OUT. His NOW ...NOT NOW time frame apparently applies to addressing this. I have waited 6 years (what is wrong with me?). I want me at peace and the same for him. Agreement on that is not going to happen with him....big surprise.
What I gained from this forum has been a life saver in many ways for me. What I would do differently if I had it to do over?.........In suggesting to my H that he might have ADD?......PUT a time limit on it. When something is on fire......you don't stand there being wishy washy about the seriousness of the fire......and yes I get that some people don't SEE the fire........but the ones who do...take action.
Thank you sir for your post.
Where there's smoke...
Submitted by love that girl on
Thanks Zapp for your follow up comments. Keep doing what you are doing....putting one foot in front of the other. Progess...one step at a time. First there is nothing wrong with you....you care...you love....you try. This IS a wonderful thing. Loved the "when something is on fire" comment. Allow me to share something I wrote to my partners family member in response to my being made to look like the bad guy, which was OK as long as my girl got to where she needed to be ....25 years after diagnosis (not even close to being there yet).
I've heard rumor and innuendo over how I offended (name deleted) but she has never stated anything other than this to me, "I'm tired of the roller coaster ride." I myself can identify with that concept given WE were dealing with familial ADHD/DESR challenges. I think the issue may just be that. My awareness (and an outsiders view) of the critically dangerous situation and my willingness to lay down my life, surrender in many ways and give unconditional love by trying to get to the conclusion that this situation is exceedingly urgent. Several violent incidences involving all of us, children included, underscores the urgency of this. If there is a fire in the building and someone is lackadaisically wandering around, it becomes urgent you must get them out of the building. If ***** believes I injured her in this way, then guilty as charged. Not addressing and in particular NOT FORGIVING is not what Our Lord calls us to do. Even David had his Nathan. “Even if this is the last conversation we ever have, I’m going to tell you the truth.” Nathan cared enough about David to speak the truth.
Peace