I need some advice: clearly all of us are posting here because we are unhappy. For myself, I have run out of things to try and I am done trying to fix my marriage. There is no marriage. We are roommates and nothing more. Having said that...how can I change MY mindset to be a more positive person overall. It is a real struggle for me right now. During the Lenten season I try to not only give up something (TV after 8pm) but also doing something. I am not comfortable in my own house, I look for reasons to stay out, which is not fair to my sons (ages 15 and 17). DH and I don't fight, we don't really talk at all and we are rarely in the same room even. I have started ready a daily Lenten meditation/Bible verse type thing to set my priorities straight, but other advice would be great. At my job I am an upbeat, positive person--I love my job so it's not hard! I teach 6th and 8th grade and am the Assistant Principal of a small Catholic private school. I adore my students and there is no way to be grumpy when you walk down the halls and hear the kindergartners singing, see the first graders painting, watch 4th graders in PE class, watch an 8th grade science lab where they are burning potato chips to measure the energy being released. I love my job. But I walk in my house and BOOM-it's like the door of a safe slams shut. DH brags quite a lot and I just can't stomach it, so I usually don't talk about my work at home. How can I stay positive in the face of the weirdness I live in at home.
thanks
dvance
Hi, dvance. Could you
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, dvance. Could you schedule some time with your sons every day?
You are in the trap dvance....
Submitted by c ur self on
You have 70% of the battle won; recognition; admission; and awareness!...The last 30% is the most difficult....Because it takes total self-awareness, which during this phase you will have to completely disassociate your thoughts about yourself (your living of life, what you are placing importance on, what brings you happiness, what brings you contentment) from any one else (Husband, Son's)....You will have to walk this alone....
You are no different from any of us humans....We can never truly know the path for our lives, until we come to the place we can take total ownership of our actions, and our mindsets without ever mentioning or thinking about another person...
Our thinking of thoughts is always where it starts!...You must rebuke (cast them from you) any thought that links your spouse or your home situation to your own heart felt peace and Joy...It's the only way that I've found....
I am a body, soul, spirit combination...Just like all humans are in my opinion...The only way I can truly know what is "good" for me is, to see me, to own me!....To see me physically, emotionally, and most of all Spiritually....It's humbling, but it's also the only path to healing....Or it has been for me....Will you backslide at times? I do!...But we can't quit...Blame and self pity is the perfect blinders to finding our healing....
When relating to myself, *my thoughts*, *my actions* without total and complete ownership of both...Then the results will always be anywhere from cloudy to denial to a total illusion...
Here's a clue for you, if you decide to start the Journey.....When I visualize your statement about the kindergartners' and the 1st graders and how they bring you a smile, joy and those warm peaceful feelings... Just like they do to me...I ask myself why?...Why does that happen?....Well, I will tell you what I think...It's because of their Innocence!
Blessings
C
It's lonely being in a marriage ALONE
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C, I think all the advice you gave dvance is wonderful, except basically for one thing that makes it SO hard, and SO difficult to completely divorce yourself from something. And, THAT is, being in a marriage ALONE. Your heart, mind, body and SOUL......KNOWS.....that you are in a marriage, that 2 people joined into. The other person took the SAME vows that you/we took and vowed before God Almighty, in ALL trust, to treat you/we in the ways they vowed to do. (even if they knew they had ADHD or not)
But, they either can't or won't do what they vowed, and then choose to blame, and deny what issues are involved in themselves, and in the relationship. It becomes a marriage of one person being in the marriage, ALONE. That, is so hard on our hearts, when we didn't sign UP for marriage to share our lives with the ones we LOVE, but still end up living a marriage by ourselves, and it doesn't make much OR ANY sense. Yes, I do believe God can love us, and help us through the hurt, shame and loneliness, but HIS ideal for us in marriage, is for us to serve Him together. Sadly, with ADHD or not, sometimes one of the spouses refuse to submit their hearts and souls to God, and come under his Lordship. My husband always left the "spiritual" end of things up to me. He believes in God and Jesus, but would never take his headship and place as spiritual head of the house. He thought I was "better" ' at the God stuff than he was. (not a good excuse in God's eyes, I believe)
Anyway, It hurts so much, especially when we HAVE the love of God with us, to be the only "giver" in a marriage that was designed to be a dual relationship. Our relationship with God is a dual one. He gives His love to US, and we choose to love Him, and vice/versa, and I believe marriage is an EXTENSION of that, which God Himself designed. I don't think it is any failure to be hurt when your "love" chooses NOT to love you, just like when God is hurt when we choose NOT to love Him.
I don't mean to admonish you, or anything. I was just thinking (and I could be wrong) that I don't think God expects us to do more than even HE would do, and that's continue to love someone and CONTINUE to be their loving spouse, when they show no interest in returning that love. God always loves everyone, but he also says that he will not always "strive" for someone's soul. So, even He gets tired of trying and trying and getting "rejected", until the person themselves gets to a point where THEY call out to Him, and then CHOOSE HIM, which then He instantly is there, and is forgiving and LOVING, and welcoming. We want to do the same thing with our spouses, I think. We DO tire of being rejected, year after year, with few hugs, kisses, tenderness or even basic appreciation.
Just a thought. (tonight, is a night that is also especially hard for me also, so maybe this is my own rant)
Here's praying for Blessings for you dvance, and to you C.
I appreciate you Dede.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(C, I think all the advice you gave dvance is wonderful, except basically for one thing that makes it SO hard, and SO difficult to completely divorce yourself from something. And, THAT is, being in a marriage ALONE. Your heart, mind, body and SOUL......KNOWS.....that you are in a marriage, that 2 people joined into. The other person took the SAME vows that you/we took and vowed before God Almighty, in ALL trust, to treat you/we in the ways they vowed to do. (even if they knew they had ADHD or not)
I agree with the above statement 100% Dede...Two did make the vow's and it is heart wrenching to experience the abandonment and the loneliness in a marriage this is SUPPOSE to be two...But look at what has happened to *our emotions, & our psyche*...You, me dvance...forum friend after forum friend...When we continue day after day, year after year to allow our focus to be placed on a paper partner and think our focusing on it and pointing it out will ever help?? When to see what it is doing to us, all we have to do is read our last 50 posts??
Someone who's actions say I don't give a flip about, or have any convictions to discipline my life, to be a loving responsible spouse... To put anyone first other than myself...
What year of the marriage should I realize nothing I could ever do or say will ever matter to them?? And even if it does matter to some degree, it doesn't matter enough for them to face themselves and do the work it takes to initiate positive change?? So you tell me what year 1, 10, 20, 30, 40?? At what point do I accept them for who their living of life says they are?? Not who their marriage license says they are??
When we loose ourselves because we fail to accept these realities we end up wasting our lives...We stop disciplining ourselves, and impacting others in right and positive way...Our family suffers because we are so angry and preoccupied w/ the actions of another human...
You can never experience the savior for your husband...Nor can I do anything for my wife other than love and pray for her....
As soon as we accept the reality of the situation, we become better spouses ourselves....As soon as the expectations for change goes away, we start making sound, peaceful decisions....
That's all I was trying to point out....
I know it's painful and difficult.....I know....
Blessings Dede...
C
C, thank you, SO uplifting
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C, you're always so kind and uplifting, and I appreciate that SO MUCH. I believe God works through you in some mighty ways, and your testimonies are encouraging and insightful, even when you need to unload sometimes, and I love reading what you write. Your wife is a fortunate woman indeed.
Blessings to you, my friend.
Dede