My Husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for almost 10. I have always known he had ADHD (untreated) but had no clue the damage this was causing our marriage. Like many others on here, I was feeling ignored, overwhelmed and lonely. I work full time, and we have 2 young children and I had to take care of everything. He is an electrician and started doing jobs for people in our community about 2 years ago. Because of the praise and validation he receives from the people he helps, he became hyperfocused on the side jobs and spent very little time with us, his family. Then, at the beginning of this year, my husband, who has always said he would never walk away from his family, started saying that he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. About a month later I found out he was having an affair. In total the affair lasted about 4 months. The whole time he wavered back and forth over staying or leaving. He ended up deciding that he wanted to stay and try to see if our marriage could be saved. That is when I found this blog and discovered that the ADHD had contributed to the majority of our marital issues.
He was just put on 20 mg of Adderall about 2 weeks ago. He says it helps his focus a little, but he has noticed that he gets short alot easier. He has started seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD. He also is missing the high from the affair. He says he is fighting the urges, but it is hard because he doesn't get that same high with me. I know the physical reasons behind it, but it's still hard to hear.
Has anyone been through this? If so, how were you/your partner able to overcome the urge of chasing the high? I'm looking for any signs of hope. I love my husband very much and know all of this is the unmanaged ADHD. I have read Melissa's book and shared passages with him. He acknowledges that his ADHD has been out of hand, but is not sure he can get it under control so he does not go through this again.
Lonely7, yes, been through this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Lonely7, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, because I too, know the extreme pain of my ADHD husband having an affair. His lasted over 3 years, and then a year and a half ago, he told me he "Was never in love with me, and was still in love with his FIRST true love, his college girlfriend". I left him after that.
I was gone for a year, but recently came back for a couple reasons. I wanted to get our lives in order, legally, financially, etc, because it looks like we are going to have to declare bankruptcy (again) and we're almost retirement age. Plus, he too, says he wants to "work on our marriage now", and get back together. I don't trust him, and it's going to take a long time before I can. He didn't understand this saying, "But you know where I am all the time", to which I just had to laugh. He was home the LAST time he had an affair, and just "being home" didn't stop him from being with someone else. But, the reasoning in his mind was childish to think this. People have affairs right under their partners noses all the time, and often the spouse has no idea of it, so only time, and BEHAVIOR, actions, words, etc, will tell me how sincere he is.
Anyway, when my husband started his affair, he had just finished his PhD, he had just lost about 40 pounds, and we were involved doing a band camp down in Florida. He and the OW, were both instructors there, and they got involved. She was young, right out of college, and openly "chased" him, which all of us noticed. The parents who were running the band camp (high school) were disgusted with it, and my husband and the OW didn't think people SAW that they were doing this. We did see it. In fact, the school told them both to NOT come back the following year, which my husband was furious about. He really believed they had "hidden" it. Then he got a new job, (his first professorship) at a college in another state, which I was very much against, because I studied the job, the area, etc. and KNEW it wasn't a good place for him or us, but he went against my concerns and took it anyway. (he hates the job now, and it's failing like I was pretty sure it would, since it's in a very low economic area) Sad.
Anyway, he moved out of the house, took all the furniture, and I was left in an empty, run down, messed up house with no bed, sleeping on a couch in the middle of a bunch of trash on a cement floor, and I FELT like the discarded trash on the floor. This was a house I had put a LOT of work into, and now was part of the "throw away" stuff it seemed. I was crushed and cried every minute of every day. I had to quit my job as a church organist, because I couldn't play without crying, because if the music touched me in any way, I would just start bawling, right in front of everyone. Plus, the anger I was feeling as well, was so intense, and I thought the most horrible things that I NEVER believed was even possible. But, the betrayal, the hurt, and being left like that was more than I thought i could bear.
We had to sell that house, which I was left to clean up, FIX UP, and then sell, while he was off at his new job in a new state playing bachelor with his "girlfriend", and was away from any prying eyes of friends, co-workers, and our family. He was having a good time. (We didn't have a diagnosis of ADHD yet, and had been married 23 years at this point). Then he goes to counseling, and GETS a diagnosis of ADHD, and gets put on Concerta. I don't think Concerta is the right med for him, and he also doesn't take it the way he's SUPPOSED to. He takes it periodically, because HE thinks it works better that way, but you're supposed to take it every day without fail. None of the doctors OR his counselor have ever talked to me...........EVER. (which I think is wrong) His first therapist DID talk with me once, but I didn't get a good feeling from that guy. He and my husband were more "buddy buddies', than therapist/patient, and he didn't tell my husband very much ABOUT ADHD, and the effects on marriage. Everything I've read, says the doctors and counselors NEED to talk to family members to get a better view of what's going ON with the ADHD person, because they can't be trusted to give an adequate assessment of themselves. They usually give a more positive spin on how they see their condition, and how it's affecting them and those around them, and that may not be the case at all. (but it's how THEY often want to see their world)
I sold the house, and put the money in the bank. Without my knowledge, he took every cent out of the bank and put it on a new house in the new state. I WAS FURIOUS. It left me NO money to live on, or do anything with. But, he was still thinking I was going to move there, and we were going to go on "as usual". WE COULDN'T, so. I was living with other people for the next 2 years. (my sister, my youngest daughter) He kept calling me and wanted me to come live in the "new" house, and kept saying he wanted our marriage to work, and wanted us to work things out, which I now wished I hadn't done., But, I moved in with him and tried to save our marriage, but come to find out he was STILL involved with this OW. It wasn't until a couple months AFTER I moved, that he finally ended things with her, but very unwillingly, and begrudgingly, which was worse hurt UPON hurt already. He still has NO CLUE how much pain all that caused me. He did say a couple quick "I'm sorry's", but wanted it to all go away after that, which was impossible. It COULDN'T just "go away". He wouldn't look up or read anything about infidelity, and the causes and hurts, or how the both of us ended up like that. He just kept saying "It was a mid-life crisis", which experts are now debunking as an excuse, I recently read. What I NEEDED to hear him say was. "I'm SO SORRY that I hurt you so bad, and I ask your forgiveness for this". I never heard that, not once. So, he left the betrayal on me to deal with, and the fixing of all the subsequent hurt on me to deal with as well. He wouldn't help ease any of the pain and hurt. I know he felt guilty and ashamed, but that wasn't enough reason to leave me with the entire healing of this on my own. He kept saying, "I just want it to all go away", which is an immature way of handling this, for BOTH OF US.
Then, a year and a half ago, he again tells me, "I was never in love with you, and I'm still in love with my first true love, my college girlfriend", and he had been in touch with her for a while. (facebook, and calls) Okay, that was IT for me, I couldn't stand it any longer, and left. I've been on disability from a severe car accident (hit from behind) which I needed back and neck surgeries for, which have left me in severe chronic pain and disabled from working. (not enough to live on from disability) I lived with my oldest daughter and her husband for the past year, but recently moved back with my husband. My son-in-law got a wonderful promotion in his job which took him to a different state. (better pay, benefits, everything) They are thrilled with their new job, and area.
My husband begged me to come home and wanted to "try again". I told him that there was no way I could trust him, which surprised him. huh? That's when he told me, "But you know where I am all the time", .....amazing. He also said "I wasn't thinking right, when I told you all that stuff". So, I REALLY DON'T KNOW what he is truly thinking, because it could possibly change tomorrow, or the next day, if circumstances change. He IS severely impulsive, and blows with the wind on many things, but then is stubborn as a mule with others. Black or white, hot or cold. Its one or the other.............EXTREMES, to the maximum. NO balance of any kind, in almost every area of his life, which has been exhausting to live with in every way possible.
He has both inattentive ADHD, and hyperactive ADHD, which made him like a tornado throughout the house, breaking things and never staying still for very long, as well as not "attending to" relationships that NEED attention and love. He does have a very high IQ, which got him through school I don't know how this whole thing is going to play out currently. We are being kind and cordial to each other, and things are pretty decent, but there's a lot to do in every way. (will explain more later, cause I have to go)
dede....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I was really struck by something you said in your post.
"He did say a couple quick "I'm sorry's", but wanted it to all go away after that, which was impossible. It COULDN'T just "go away"."
I experienced the same reaction from my boyfriend. It involved him lying to me about something and me feeling like I couldn't trust him. He wanted the matter to be done and over with and for us to go back to "the way we used to be." I am working on it but he also has to be honest with me from now on if I'm supposed to trust him again.
With regards to chasing the high and the infidelity you both speak of.
I don't believe that ADHD should be used as an excuse for cheating on your spouse.
We all get bored in relationships we all get complacent in relationships, if you've been together for many years... whether you have ADHD or not.
The key is to have open lines of communication and be able to say to that other person "I'm feeling bored or I'm feeling like we're in a rut "Etc.
Time will tell. I have only been with my boyfriend who happens to have ADHD for a little over 18 months.
Lonely7, I think you're right about the "high"
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Yes, I think you're right about the "high" they get with an affair. It's a new shiny thing, which my husband has always enjoyed. He loves getting new and shiny things, but it wears off quickly. He has spent most of the years with his computer, which I believe became an addiction, since it's constant input and it's constantly engaging his brain. He can't spend more than a couple hours away from it on any given day, and even then, he has to have electronic gadgets with him at all times, instead of person to person interaction. I know ADHD plays a huge part in being addicted to a computer, but he needs behavior ADHD therapy to change the ingrained patterns he developed.
You're also correct about "ADHD is no excuse for having an affair on your partner"......it isn't. Even if the other person was really terrible, then I would say, just "get out", instead of having an affair and making things a thousand times worse than they already are. Infidelity is a terrible thing to live through, regardless of ADHD, and no one can tell you what that pain is like, unless you've gone through it. I never believed he WAS the kind of person to do that, because he had always been so adamant about other people HE knew that had affairs, which he believed to be wrong, and was sure he could never do that to someone.
Dr. Russell Barkley on Youtube, has great videos on ADHD, and what is going on with the folks who have it. If you haven't checked those out yet, you might want to. It's great information, and he's awesome to listen to.
After all the years of this, it damaged my self esteem greatly, and I didn't know who I was any more. I couldn't believe I tolerated this for so long, and what did it say about ME a person? like...why did I say yes to him when he asked me to marry him? how have I enabled his behavior? and the big one ...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? The rejection made me doubt everything about myself, and that isn't good. I've had some counseling, but am looking for a new therapist in my current area now. It's been a long road to try to come back from, and I liked myself so much better before I married my husband, so I have a LONG WAY to go myself, in becoming a better person, and more stable all around.
The biggest thing in our relationship is that my husband won't talk about his true self, OR his ADHD. (he believes it's just a focus thing) It's as if most things that happen to him occur from something "outside himself", instead of his own choices and behavior having consequences that he never saw coming. It amazes me sometimes, that he doesn't see some of the simplest of things, that I or anyone else would automatically SEE, if we were trying to decide or choose things for ourselves. He makes very impulsive decisions, on the spur of the moment, then will dwell on that for days, weeks, talking endlessly about it, until he can act on it, without seeing all sides. Then gets surprised if it has negative consequences. It's been astounding to watch, over and over again. As if he CAN'T learn from his decisions. It's possible he has more than the ADHD going on, but he doesn't want to get tested on this for anything else. But, I believe knowledge is power, and the more we KNOW, the more we have to work with to try to "figure stuff out". He still likes to think his high IQ makes him special, but it doesn't help him in everyday life. Yes, he got straight A's all through school, which came VERY easy for him, but real life DIDN'T come easy, and this is what also shocked him. He didn't understand WHY he couldn't do what most people seem to do rather easily, or at least with not as much CHAOS, as what we were going through. If he would allow us to do ADHD study and behavior therapies together, I know it would help him AND us, but he's not okay with that.
This forum helps so many folks, ADHD and non-ADHD alike, and it's been super beneficial to most who come here. I'm sorry if it's been sounding like I"m just venting and frustrated. I'm trying to help get our lives a little more stable,and work with him to put both our lives in some sort of working order.
I do hope you and your boyfriend find some better days. I can't tell you what to do since I"m trying to figure that out also, but I am wishing you well.