Hi, I have just discovered this website and I feel as though a lightbulb has gone on in my head. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 1 with two children aged 4 and 3 years old. Our 4 year old has always displayed signs of ADHD and he is getting progressively worse - this probed me to start researching into the condition. By doing this I have been overwhelmed by all the signs pointing to the fact that my son has probably inherited this from my husband... Suddenly all the times my husband has stunned me with his seemingly thoughtless, selfish, self centred and impulsive behaviour seems to make sense! It has been breaking my heart that increasingly,particularly in the last 18 months-2 years, I have been secretly wondering if I married the wrong man, and questioning how someone who was always so positive, laid back and soft as I used to be, ended up with someone who at best is silly and thoughtless and at worst, aggressive, cruel and unpredictable. But am I overreacting? Am I clutching to a 'label' to make myself feel better and possibly excuse my husband's behaviour? A few examples of what he is like:
1.) He is incapable of being sympathetic or empathetic to ANYONE.
2.) He is completely unaware of the poor way he communicates - either he is distant and appears as if he couldn't care less even when I'm in tears imploring with him to listen to me, or he loses his temper with no warning which results in him shouting, swearing, saying cruel things - even in front of our children. He always apologises for this afterwards, but it's as though he can't stop himself the next time he gets angry.
3.) He is a risk taker and an adrenaline junky - he regularly speeds when driving, leaves it to the last minute to brake and gets road rage at the drop of a hat - even with the kids in the car.
4.) He makes decisions regularly which impact on us as a family without discussing it with me first - and then CANNOT understand why I get upset, insisting that he thought he was making a good decision and just wanted the 'best' for us, although 9 times out of 10 the decision he makes is what suits him the best, not the rest of us.
5.) He has a good playful side but doesn't realise that things he says as a 'joke' can be cruel or offensive to others, he always maintains that he is 'only joking' so therefore it is the other persons fault if they take offense.
6.) He can swing between being moody, bad tempered and impatient to being almost hyper and 'full on' - playing rough and tumble with the kids and being the life and soul.
They are just a few examples, I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me their opinions - does it sound as if he has ADHD?
Thanks for reading this x
Throw in broken promises,
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Throw in broken promises, apologies to stop behaviors followed by the same exact behavior 2 days later..over and over and over again, and you have what my marriage used to be like. It wouldn't hurt for him to be evaluated.
What it took me a very long time to accept is that they are capable of empathy...it just doesn't show in their actions. They aren't aware of how poorly they communicate because it feels "OK" to them. Although my marriage has improved tremendously, I still get mixed reactions when he does something that causes me to instantly be in tears. He'll either be extremely understanding and reassuring and sorry or he'll say nothing. Sit and smoke a cigarette, tap on his leg, hum a song to himself, etc...as if he's trying VERY hard to make me think he doesn't care. Do I believe he doesn't care that he's forced me to tears? No. I think he cares, but it puts his ADHD brain on overload and he just simply sometimes cannot deal. (medication has made this worse, sadly...seeing me in tears seems to just push him further away). My husband isn't an adrenaline junkie, but he often does not pay attention to his speed. He has gotten 2 speeding tickets in the last 6 months...the first tickets he has gotten since we got married 13 years ago. Not sure why this is getting worse, but I am contemplating having a long talk with him about paying attention to his speed.
As for the decisions they make that they 'claim' are for the betterment of the family, part of me believes that they really believe that to be true. I really think they think they are doing something good..for the good of the family. It is hard to swallow and hard to say "it's OK" when it really ISN'T for the betterment of the family, I know.
I honestly think that what comes out of their mouths and what they mean can often be two totally different things. Just like what comes out of my mouth and what he hears sometimes are two completely different things. I have tried handling this situation with very short, concise responses..."that was a very mean thing to say, please don't do that" or "that was not something most people would take as a joke, please stop doing that" and then dropping the subject. I realized a long time ago that anything more is just white noise to him and I lose my whole entire point in the argument. A quick, 10 second sentence seems to get me further than any hour long rant I ever delivered. Even if it takes days or weeks to see the results, I am having much more success getting through to him this way. I do feel he wants to be protective of my feelings...so pointing it out to him without giving him reason to become defensive is very helpful in changing his perception of how his behavior affects others.
Unpredictable moods was common place here too...you never knew who he was going to be from day to day. I don't miss walking on eggshells. He has had to learn that just because he's in a bad mood doesn't mean that we all have to suffer the brunt of his anger and frustration. Getting him to 'lean' on me isn't something I've managed to accomplish. He wants a sounding board and nothing more. I'm not sure if it is ADHD or just a male thing..not wanting to be 'fixed'.
Maybe an evaluation is in order. You are not alone. I wish you all the best!
Sherri
Thanks Sherri, it's so so
Submitted by Catherine A on
Thanks Sherri, it's so so nice to get another perspective on this. I have been feeling so lonely in this situation, so it really feels as though a dark cloud has shifted slightly and let in some sun! I really took on board your comments on responding to his thoughtless actions/words in a clear, concise way rather than going on and on at him - I admit I do do that, I guess I think if I keep trying to explain to him how he makes me feel he will start to understand - I realise now that all I'm doing is overloading him and he probably stops listening to me after the first 30 seconds! I definitely agree too that he is not deliberately trying to upset me and genuinely does believe what he says is 'OK' and that he does care about me and my feelings - I can't believe I would have ever fallen in love with him if this wasn't the case. I honestly know he is a good man and loves me and our children more than anything. It's just so draining emotionally and our marriage feels like it's one battle after another after another... I know all relationships need work and all are hard at times and that's without ADHD as a factor, I think it just gets me down that there is definitely an imbalance of joy and pain, the lovely, fun, romantic times are few and far between and the negative 'vibe' in our household seems ever present. So, now comes the fun part - presenting him with the info and suggesting he has an evaluation... Not looking forward to this! But for the sake of all of our happiness I know I've got to do it.
I think my husband has ADHD! I need help!
Submitted by Pazkez710 on