Submitted by maryreilly on 12/20/2011.
I have a question for the members of this forum who have ADD. I'm in a relationship with someone who has ADD, they're susposed to love me, but as soon as someone or something new comes along, I barely exist. This happens constantly. How can you love someone and ignore them? I feel like he just uses me to keep from being bored until something better comes along.
Used, you say?
Submitted by best-is-yet-to-be on
Listen, maryreilly, you don’t happen to live in the Boston, Massachusetts area, do you? Are you reading my mail, by any chance? You aren’t my long lost twin, are you?
This is exactly how I have felt about my ADHD “friend” lately. A phone call every two weeks or so, all about HIM. And always, as soon as I speak about me or my thoughts “Oops, gotta go, I have to go/be/see/do somewhere/someone/something”. I guess I fill in the five minutes of boredom he might be experiencing that day. Ugh. I am cutting the ties even as I write; who needs this? By all I have read and studied, I really believe I am dodging a bullet with my decision.
You do sound like my twin!!!
Submitted by maryreilly on
That's exactly what my "friend" does. Only he calls me a lot. But as you say it's always about him. So, I end up feeling used even more. I've been thinking about ending the relationship, but I want to try to understand this behavior before I do. To YYZ, my friend is being treated for his ADD and he is doing great in a lot of areas. But those areas don't matter as much when you feel like a toy that's only played with when no other toys are around. Could you or anyone else with ADD help me understand what is going on when this happens? And do you really love the people you ignore? I hope I don't sound rude, I'm just saying how I feel and trying to get some answers.
Yes I love the people I
Submitted by summerwine on
Yes I love the people I ignore. I just sent an email to everyone saying that I love them very much but that they will not ever get a Christmas card from me. Its kind of out of sight out of mind and its not because I don't love them but because that's how my brain works. ADHD means you have a lot of mental blindness. I am blind to time and to the future and to consequences and to what is right under my nose and especially what is not under my nose. Unless something is right there saying HELLO to me It doesn't even get into my brain. I just get so caught up in everything and time slips by and the next thing I know its been 2 weeks since I talked to my mom. So basically I mean to call my Mom but I never do because by the time I remember to call her at a time of the day that's good to call her I have so much other stuff to do and then the next thing I know she is phoning me and I"m like Oh has it been 2 weeks already? Days just sort of wiz by and I'm struggling to keep my head above water and even remembering to do something like make another phone call is more than I can handle. Like Christmas cards. They are more than I can do and still keep my head above water. It's better with medication and reminders on my google calendar and everything but I will never be someone who phones you right back or who writes emails to loved ones once a week and I will never be the lady who sends the perfect Christmas cards with the perfect family photo in it. You know those people who spin plates on sticks and juggle stuff? That's my life with ADHD and having to phone someone every day or get back to them right away means more plates to spin and that means some other plates might fall. And I hate talking on the phone passionately but that might just be me.
I agree with Summerwine
Submitted by YYZ on
I love my family and friends as much as anybody, but mailing cards and frequent phone calls are really difficult for me, even after my ADD diagnosis and treatment. A good result of my diagnosis is much better time awareness and being less oblivious to things around me, but all this requires re-training my brain after 43 years... Now I see ALL the things that need to be done and I'm much better at prioritizing and knocking things out and if I get on the phone, I know I can get into a conversation I know I won't be able to get out of gracefully in a reasonable amount of time. It's me... I love talking to family and friends, but This is when I'll lose track of time and de-rail my day. Summerwine has "spinning plates" and I have to "juggle oranges", and I can only juggle so many oranges before I begin to drop them.
I really don't like to talk on the phone because the calls from people can be unexpected and I'm not real good at unexpected calls and can come across as cold or rude because my head is someplace else, or I am unprepared for the topic.
i feel terrible guilt about the people I've not talked to in a long time, this makes my first contact that much harder because I worry about them being angry for the lack of contact and I'll struggle to create a normal conversation. The truth is that the "Phone" works in both directions and I'm kind of tired of taking the communications blame :)
Treating his ADD?
Submitted by YYZ on
Does you boyfriend treat his ADD? I had now idea I had ADD until I was diagnosed at age 43. I never realized how much my hyper-focus affected the people closest to me, especially my wife. After learning about ADD, counseling, and Adderall I am greatly improved in acting the way you describe your boyfriend. When the ADD is in control, you are oblivious to so many things,especially seemingly ignoring your mate. The ADDer must take steps to change things, or nothing will improve.
Things can get better, but the ADDer has to See the problems his condition is affecting.
YYZ and Summerwine, what is the answer to this?
Submitted by Sueann on
You admit you can't pay attention to people you actually love. I believe you because I know my husband does love me, but pays 0 attention to my needs. So how do we get what you need from an ADDer?
For example, I need my ADDer to work because I can't support us both. He won't even apply for jobs. "There's nothing out there." There were stories on the news about how stores were begging people to work the Christmas season, and he has extensive retail experience, but he refused to apply for such jobs.
I have begged and pleaded with him to make it safe for me to walk through my house. He won't. He has a chair in the doorway of the room where I work and that makes it difficult for me to get in and out of here. I've begged him to move it and I can't, but he won't. Yesterday, we didn't get to go out and do some things we planned to do because there were no clean clothes for me to wear. I'd been begging him to do laundry, or alternatively, to clear the floor in the laundry room so I can do it safely, but he won't. I could go on and on.
What I really want is for him to talk to me. I want him to tell me why he won't work, what he thinks of me, the person who he exploits so he can sit around and do nothing. I want assurances that he will try to make our lives better. I'm not expecting him to be like a person without ADD, but can't he at least act like a person who loves me and cares about my needs and my feelings?
So if you guys admit you can't/won't pay attention to people that you love, what do we do? How do we get your attention that we so desperately crave?
Well we were talking about
Submitted by summerwine on
Well we were talking about having to let go of the little stuff like Christmas cards and frequent phones calls because we need to focus on the big stuff like paying the bills and feeding the kids. My ADHD makes it harder for me to get stuff done and to know what needs to be done and to prioritize. But I still want to send Christmas cards and I still want to phone my Mom every week and I still feel bad if I forget to email a friend. I want to be like everyone else and be the kind of lady who sends Christmas cards! ADHD doesn't make you not want to try it just makes trying really hard. I have a son with ADHD and SPD and I drag my butt out of bed and take care of other peoples kids and then bring home my son and my brother's kids from and take care of them and help them with homework and I clean my house and do all those things. If I had a husband that had bad legs I would want to do right by him and I would try. My try might not be as good as other people but i would try and feel bad that my results are not a good as other peoples would be. Your husband's ADHD doesn't make him not want to try it doesn't make him not care and it doesn't make him not feel shame for living off of his disabled wife. Your husband is just a loser. Sorry but that's what I think. I would smack him and chase him out of your home if I knew where you lived! MY ADHD means that I have to choose to not let my kid have a cat or dog because it would be more work for me. That makes me sad and it makes me want to keep doing better so that he can have a pet. My ADHD doesn't make me not care if he gets to school in the morning with his medication and homework and lunch! My boyfriend doesn't live with us yet and so I try to return his calls and I try to send him little notes on email to let him know that I care and I miss him. he has learned to like getting a couple of sentences instead of a long letter. I started taking pictures with my smart phone of things in my day and sending it to him. He likes that. It's something easy I can do and he gets to share my day. I am willing to try so long as he understand my result may vary and not always be the best! Your husband has no results because he is not willing to try.
Ignoring not so much these days...
Submitted by YYZ on
I don't believe I ignore my DW much these days. Since my diagnosis and treatment I'm aware of how could ignore my DW in the past and have really worked on turning off the laptop, not messing with my phone or turn down or pause the TV if my DW comes in to talk to me. If we are sitting together I won't take out my phone or turn on the laptop at all. I am still trying to learn how to prioritize my "People Time" and I've got to focus on those closest to me first, then slowly add more people to the "Not Ignore" list.
I really don't understand how your husband seemingly does nothing. Is this because he is Super-Depressed??? I can understand forgetting one of the things you ask him to do for you, but to get at least your high priority items done. When I was laid off back in 2010, I knew I had to throw everything I had into my job search, because if I sat around and dwelled on losing the job I'd get depressed and this would make everything worse. My job was Getting a Job. I was lucky and found an equivalent job in less than a month. My network of friends and colleagues really paid off. Does he just say he will do things later and get lost in ADD-land or does be just make an excuse for why he can't do something right when you ask? I've read so many of your posts and am just baffled as to why he does not seem to do anything.
I'm really sorry that nothing seems to get better in your house, but it is hard to understand why he treats you this way, ADD or not. At my worst I believe I did more around the house than most guys and now I do things better after treating my ADD and trying to prevent the old habits that derailed my tasks or caused me to ignore my DW. I hope he Gets It soon...
YYZ, maybe you are an exception
Submitted by Sueann on
Your posts have always impressed me. You seem self aware, you understand the fundamental unfairness of expecting a working wife/mom to do all the household chores, etc.
I simply don't know how to make it better. He is sleeping 12 hours a day. He is out of his ADD meds and has no one to prescribe any for him. (He "forgot" his last appointment.) He is taking 2 anti-depressants but doesn't seem to be getting any better.
The only way I can see to make it better is to leave him and force him to "sink or swim." I have income but it's not verifyable so I'm not sure I can get another place to live and he has made it clear he won't move out of here. My divorce attorney daughter says legally, I can't kick him out.
Maybe my perceptions are skewed, maybe it's normal to sleep 12 hours a day and spend the rest of your time watching TV and be "too busy" to do dishes or laundry. All I know is I'd love to have the life I give him.
Thank you :)
Submitted by YYZ on
I appreciate the nice words. I don't see how sleeping 12 hours a day could be normal, unless someone is really depressed. Without his meds it must really hard for him to function, but helped out my DW way before my ADD was diagnosed. I don't know how to tell you to motivate him at this point, I wish I did. He might feel better about himself in doing so. I know how hard it is to "Start" doing something right. I know if my DW had not had clear boundaries, I would have failed real quick. I need to know the rules of play to stay on track. It's the free undefined times that always got me in trouble.
Good luck Sue, I hope things improve for you soon.