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Welcome. I don't know how we all missed commenting on your post, which looks like your first. It is a good one. Exactly like what I am going through with DH. My DH is older and it is too late to start the process of diagnosis and meds and therapy. I wanted to make sure your post didn't get ignored. You have been ignored enough I am sure. I have found this site a great place to unload and have my cries of frustration listened to and almost always someone comments. Sometimes it gets picked up right away sometimes it takes a little while. You didn't say if you read Melissa's book. I started there. It is good to know the diagnosis doesn't HAVE to be a life sentence depending on the person who has it. If the ADDer wants to make some changes, they can do things to help become more involved and less disorganized and forgetful. There seems to be not much us spouses can do for them other than to try to understand, make some adjustments in our expectation and have some boundaries for us and our children and our finances. It also seems to me that many ADDers are not motivated until us non ADDers stop taking care of everything and actually make the physical act of leaving the relationship. Make sure you take care of your children's and your sanity and futures. We understand.
I know how difficult dealing with this can be. I haven't had the chance to go with my DH to a Psychiatrist, only a couselor, but a very dear friend gave me this advice.....Make sure you write everything down before you go. Be concise and try not to let your emotions get the better of you. There will be a lot to discuss but your spouse may not see things the way you do and you are half of the solution. So be VERY honest about what you see and how you tend to react.
I am new on the sight also but have found a great deal in the support I have received.
Well, this week has been lovely. Hmm.. He's still resistant to trying a bunch of new things to help combat the ADHD, but I've realized, probably half our issues have been related to him not having enough sex with me..it's a vicious cycle..I don't feel appreciated or loved, so I withdraw from sex(that and my sex drive is just not as high as his) but for the past week I've been trying(we had a talk about me needing more time, help, appreciation from him, and I will try harder to be more intimate on a regular basis) to have more sex with him, and he's like almost a different person. More helpful with the kids, seems more relaxed, less frustrated, much more willing to help with something if I ask him to, and just generally more agreeable. That's funny. Are men that simple? I guess that's a simple thing I can make an effort to do to ensure he's getting all of his needs met so he's more agreeable to meeting mine. And, with that, I've actually been interested and looking forward to it since I'm getting my needs met to. We started talking last night about me visiting his ADHD doctor with him and he sort of said.."well if you're wanting to just hand the doc a list of your concerns, then I could always just take the list with me and you don't even need to come..the appointment cost more money if you come." I immediately felt defensive and upset that he would suggest that and started sort of talking in a defensive manner which in the the last few months he would have responded defensively as well, and it just turns into a tearful argument, but he was very relaxed and not defensive at all. We agreed that I would go with him to his appointment but that he couldn't get over there again for at least a couple of weeks, and in the meantime, start writing down my concerns. So the argument was really not much of an argument at all this time. The sad part about all this is that I don't know that he's ever gotten enough intimacy from me in our 8 years of marriage. There's always been a reason why I don't want to..too tired, headache, not feeling appreciated, loved, not feeling like he cares about the family as much as me, breastfeeding, pregnant, sleep deprived. There's always a million reason why I don't want to and rarely a reason that he doesn't want to. He's heard "not tonight" from me way more times than I'm probably even aware of. So, I'm going to do my part, and hopefully he'll be more enthusiastic about doing his part, in every way.
The sex, to a certain degree, does something similar to the meds...it causes a dopamine release. Also, the rejection, for someone with ADHD especially, really takes a toll on them HARD. (who doesn't hate rejection??)
However, that being said...I have been in your shoes and fully understand the feeling "if I just give him more sex..." and everything would be better. Just like everything else, once he got all he wanted, eventually he lost interest. It would be impossible for me to transcribe how up and down we have been when it comes to being on the same page with sex...I chased him, he had no interest...I lost all interest (for all of the same reasons as you), he chased me, when he didn't get it he was HORRIBLE to live with...we finally got on the same page, then for no apparent reason he lost interest again....and on and on it goes. After 15 years I just basically leave it completely up to him...but anyway....
Go to his appointment with him...and focus solely on the medication issues you have. Most psychiatrists don't deal with 'problems' in the marriage, but they will deal with medication issues. It is a VERY VALID issue that he doesn't take his meds on the weekends...most doctors feel skipping meds on the weekends is the 'old school' way of doing things and don't recommend it at all. Also, many people take a 2nd dosage late in the afternoon in order to not come home from work and be in 'crash' mode, which means they're irritable and not much fun to be around. (this happens to my DH around 9 o'clock...he goes to bed around 10). So, my suggestion to you, instead of focusing on your laundry list of issues, is to address how you would like for him to try and take meds 7 days a week for a while. If they are making him feel like he cannot relax, then maybe he is on the wrong meds...becuase most people do NOT want to miss a dosage because they are only able to relax when taking meds. My DH actually sleeps better when taking a late afternoon dosage too.
Once he's on medication then you might discuss making an appt to see a counselor who can help you guys work through a few issues...maybe the top 3 issues. (lack of time spent together might be where you could start). Make the appt when he's fully medicated and will be open to discussing things with you.
Last, as you know it takes two to make these marriages what they are...and I do admire you for trying to work on yourself and your own attitude. It is hard to admit that we've been part of the problem all along...but we are. It is a delicate balance between setting boundaries for ourselves and recognizing our own contributions to the issues. I wish you the best of luck.
In retrospect, I've realized that before I was diagnosed, I was using sex to self-medicate. I don't think I was addicted, per say, but I was probably about ->||<- this close to it.
So, I wanted sex a lot (I still do, really, but I've learned to deal with it better)... My wife used to enjoy sex almost as much and as often. Once we were married, though, we quickly had two kids, and we were both working (both with weird rotating shifts). It tough to find time together, and we were often worn out and tired. That doesn't slow don't your typical male much, but it could get tough for my wife to get into the mood. Non-sexual romance withered in the face of our schedules. Fore-play was often curtailed as one or the other of us needed the sleep. Sex ended up being rather functional and rushed, more often than not.
Be both contributed to the problem... She felt used and uncared for, because of the lack of romance. I felt rejected and confused, because I wanted to give her the romance she was complaining about not getting, but wasn't getting a chance to.
On one hand, when we were having more sex, things were better... On the other hand, had my ADHD been appropriately treated, I might not have felt like I needed quite so much sex, and the lack of that expectation also would have taken the pressure off.
Well, I agree with Sherri about having your DH try meds on the weekends. This seems like a no brainer to me (I am the ADHD wife in my marriage) and I felt justified when I read Ned Hallowell's post, 'ADHD doesn't take a summer break". It doesn't take a weekend break either. As a mom and household organizer/cook/cleaner this was obvious to ME right away. I was diagnosed less than 2 years ago, and last spring, my doctor said, "Well, we're heading into summer now, so you can take a break from the meds." My jaw hit the floor. I said, "Um....... no. If ANYTHING, Doc, I'm going to need them more than ever: my daughter will be out of school which means two kids on my hands ALL DAY EVERY DAY.... throw in air travel several times, driving in unfamiliar cities.... Uh-uh. No WAY i'm going off the meds for the summer!
Sadly, Doctors are used to college students who fake symptoms to get scripts for Adderall to get through exams. No, i don't have a chemistry exam during the weekend, but I sure as hell need to notice the sign that says 'ONE WAY' even though it's Saturday.
I cannot TELL you what a difference medication has made in my life just in terms of the whole driving thing. Without meds, I would probably just refuse to go anywhere just due to the fear of getting in an accident because I don't notice what I should.
And the sex thing.... funny... I have the same experience you do, but I'm the one with ADHD. My DH is much nicer to me when we are having it, and grumpy when we're not. I always have to initiate it now though - I'm not sure why. He doesnt' usually reject it - unless he's super tired, but it's hard for me to bring it up, because I have felt so unattractive for the last... well... I dunno HOW long, and I can't shake the fear that since diagnosis, he feels like i'm like a mentally challenged child.
if you can talk him into taking them on the weekend it would be good for all of you. Why should Work get the 'good' guy and you get the ADHD guy ? Mine almost always 'forgets' to take his on the weekend, he forget half the time during the week too. he says he doesn't notice a differnce when he takes his meds, but I do. lets just say we are now hanging on by a very thin thread. The other thing not sure if your H should consider this, wish mine would, but my kids get their meds in the am then get an evening boost to get us all thru the evening, my H could use an evening boost of adderall too but i have a hard enough time getting him to just take the morning one. Again why should work get the ADHD controlled person and wife/kids get the crap ??
Agreed, Funnyfarm. That's why I take meds 3 times a day. I can't imagine trying to function in my home environment, which is by nature less structured than work. I would be wandering from room to room without any purpose whatsoever, getting nothing done, and blowing my stack every other second. It would be ugly, and I don't see why any ADHD partner would willingly put their family though that crap if there was an alternative available...
Wow. He really doesn't see a difference when he is on medication but you do? Talk about "poor self-observation." You should surreptitiously videotape him on and off medication. Then add some music for each version of himself. Off medication, I'd probably have The Imperial March (Darth Vader's theme song) followed by Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies from the Nutcracker (Poor attention span extends to my moods, too...) I have recorded my son a few times using my phone. I can argue and argue and argue with him, but the phone doesn't lie. He can SEE the difference, literally. I'm kind joking, but kind of serious about the videotaping. That could go very well, or very badly... It worked with my son because he's my son...
That cracked me up - he is most definately the Darth Vader type guy off meds...although he is never the sugar plum fairy guy on meds, too funny...he is less easily angered but i i rarely think of him as happy. even on two antidepressants. but i think that is just his nature, his sister even said he was always a "doom and Gloom sort of kid', pessimist by nature. BUT still much better than living with the life sucking darth vader person. You are right he has Very poor self awareness, i have thought for years to put 'nanny cams' around the house so he could see himself...not that I'm an angel but my outburst usually are in response to his outbursts. He is either in total denial or completely clueless. Awesome that you take remember to take meds 3 times a day, wow.
Well, I hope this lasts, because besides the watching more tv than I like, and sleeping alot on the weekend, he's actually been helping out alot, and when I ask him to do something, he does it, almost joyfully, even on the weekend off meds. I sort of think that he has been frustrated for not getting his needs met for years now, that he just sort of got used to it and thought he was just going to be frustrated forever(as did I) and was taking it out on me and the kids, not playing with the kids unless I forced him to, and not really interested in spending time with me. He actually is showing interest in me now outside of just sex. And I feel like I can ask him to help with things and him not give me additude or act like I'm totally out of line for asking him to help. He stayed with the kids most of saturday so I could go do garage sale with my friend at another house, and offered to bring us lunch on his way out for me to nurse the baby down for her nap, willingly helped out with loading up trucks and taking stuff to CCA, then since I was exhausted and hadn't thought about dinner, took us all out for dinner and helped get the kids to bed when we got back home. Sunday was a little more lazy, I got up with the kids and he slept until 11 am(jealous!) and we watched tv and zoned out half the day, but I left the kids with him again to go run a bunch of errands, and was gone about 4 hours, and he was perfectly fine with the kids, even after our daughter fell and busted her lip, and needed a nap, but he was having a hard time getting her down he was texting me and being his usual funny, silly self(which I feel like I haven't seen in years)..he vacuumed the floor(mainly because he broke a glass, but still appreciated, lol), put clean sheets on our son's bed, and helped him put his clothes away(I still had to make a list of things for him to do while I was gone and he did 2 out 3 of them) made us some drinks and then we all relaxed for a bit. I cleaned up the kitchen and made his lunch for him while he bathed both the kids(he never does this with a good additude), and got all the trash out with only being told once, instead of multiple times and me getting frustrated and doing it myself. So, a lot of what I thought was ADD and him simply forgetting to do things was actually him not really wanting to help me because I wasn't helping him out. So that's nice to know. Oh, and another thing that I thought would never change..we use cloth diapers for our daughter. He normally will change them(not very willingly, but he does it) and leave the diaper laying out(wet or poopy, doesnt matter) rather than cleaning it out and sticking it in the wetbag for washing later, and I reminded him before I left the house both days to clean up the diapers when he's done changing it, and he did it. I know this seems small, but in the past, I could have asked him, and he'd say "okay." again, with additude, and then not do it, so I was shocked he actually did it. so, thoughts? Is this just a phase you think or do you think regualar sex is actually making these huge improvements?? As a woman, I can't imagine wanting sex without emotional and physical support, but he seemed to not care too much and wanted sex all the time. Is that a guy thing? I guess so.
He also told me a few weeks back when all this erupted, that he got the the point where he stopped initiating sex with me because he was tired of getting rejected. So he started only initiating it after a good amount of time had passed and he felt like he wouldn't get rejected(usually a week or week and a half) rather than every couple of days. I always just thought he needed less as he got older, and actually thought I was trying to have sex with him more often(I never initiated it though, just went along when he did), so I never thought this was an issue, but apparently it was, and he just never told me. I know he has a higher sex drive than me, and I am still breastfeeding our daughter, so that probably doesn't help, but if regular sex can make such huge improvements in him, then I'm sure going to try harder to put myself in the mood when I'm not, and actually it's not too hard to get in the mood when he's being helpful and acting like he cares about all of us:)
"As a woman, I can't imagine wanting sex without emotional and physical support, but he seemed to not care too much and wanted sex all the time. Is that a guy thing? I guess so."
Kind of, but not really... Despite the stereotypes, most guys want the same thing you do, but for us it seems to work the other way around. Most women need the emotional attachment and support before they really get interested in sex and intimacy. Whereas, for most men, sex and intimacy helps build and strengthen the emotional attachment and support.
We went through the ADHD effect on marriage course and while it did help us it wasn't the only answer. I've discovered that I'm an alcoholic and I have ADD as well. I haven't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist but by the naturopath that I work for currently. I have been sober for 3 1/2 months and have been using essential oils and taking supplements to help with the symptoms of ADD. I never saw it in myself but after getting this office job and pretty much feeling like I have been failing constantly, I asked the dr to do biofeedback and it showed that ADD is present. Turns out I was projecting a lot of our problems and blaming my husband for everything. I'm not saying he was not at fault... I'm saying we both were at fault. The drinking made me a lazy parent and our kids were not disciplined. So instead of discipline them gently I was being permissive. I was depressed, I have anxiety and since I've been making changes in myself and the way I parent, everything is so much better!!
Congratulations on all the amazing progress! Making changes is never easy - you are demonstrating your strength with everything you've tackled. So glad to hear you are feeling better. Happy New Year!
Welcome. I don't know how we
Submitted by jennalemon on
Welcome. I don't know how we all missed commenting on your post, which looks like your first. It is a good one. Exactly like what I am going through with DH. My DH is older and it is too late to start the process of diagnosis and meds and therapy. I wanted to make sure your post didn't get ignored. You have been ignored enough I am sure. I have found this site a great place to unload and have my cries of frustration listened to and almost always someone comments. Sometimes it gets picked up right away sometimes it takes a little while. You didn't say if you read Melissa's book. I started there. It is good to know the diagnosis doesn't HAVE to be a life sentence depending on the person who has it. If the ADDer wants to make some changes, they can do things to help become more involved and less disorganized and forgetful. There seems to be not much us spouses can do for them other than to try to understand, make some adjustments in our expectation and have some boundaries for us and our children and our finances. It also seems to me that many ADDers are not motivated until us non ADDers stop taking care of everything and actually make the physical act of leaving the relationship. Make sure you take care of your children's and your sanity and futures. We understand.
New to this also...
Submitted by JUST LONELY on
I know how difficult dealing with this can be. I haven't had the chance to go with my DH to a Psychiatrist, only a couselor, but a very dear friend gave me this advice.....Make sure you write everything down before you go. Be concise and try not to let your emotions get the better of you. There will be a lot to discuss but your spouse may not see things the way you do and you are half of the solution. So be VERY honest about what you see and how you tend to react.
I am new on the sight also but have found a great deal in the support I have received.
All the best
Wow, what a difference
Submitted by Justwannagiveup on
Well, this week has been lovely. Hmm.. He's still resistant to trying a bunch of new things to help combat the ADHD, but I've realized, probably half our issues have been related to him not having enough sex with me..it's a vicious cycle..I don't feel appreciated or loved, so I withdraw from sex(that and my sex drive is just not as high as his) but for the past week I've been trying(we had a talk about me needing more time, help, appreciation from him, and I will try harder to be more intimate on a regular basis) to have more sex with him, and he's like almost a different person. More helpful with the kids, seems more relaxed, less frustrated, much more willing to help with something if I ask him to, and just generally more agreeable. That's funny. Are men that simple? I guess that's a simple thing I can make an effort to do to ensure he's getting all of his needs met so he's more agreeable to meeting mine. And, with that, I've actually been interested and looking forward to it since I'm getting my needs met to. We started talking last night about me visiting his ADHD doctor with him and he sort of said.."well if you're wanting to just hand the doc a list of your concerns, then I could always just take the list with me and you don't even need to come..the appointment cost more money if you come." I immediately felt defensive and upset that he would suggest that and started sort of talking in a defensive manner which in the the last few months he would have responded defensively as well, and it just turns into a tearful argument, but he was very relaxed and not defensive at all. We agreed that I would go with him to his appointment but that he couldn't get over there again for at least a couple of weeks, and in the meantime, start writing down my concerns. So the argument was really not much of an argument at all this time. The sad part about all this is that I don't know that he's ever gotten enough intimacy from me in our 8 years of marriage. There's always been a reason why I don't want to..too tired, headache, not feeling appreciated, loved, not feeling like he cares about the family as much as me, breastfeeding, pregnant, sleep deprived. There's always a million reason why I don't want to and rarely a reason that he doesn't want to. He's heard "not tonight" from me way more times than I'm probably even aware of. So, I'm going to do my part, and hopefully he'll be more enthusiastic about doing his part, in every way.
The sex, to a certain degree,
Submitted by SherriW13 on
The sex, to a certain degree, does something similar to the meds...it causes a dopamine release. Also, the rejection, for someone with ADHD especially, really takes a toll on them HARD. (who doesn't hate rejection??)
However, that being said...I have been in your shoes and fully understand the feeling "if I just give him more sex..." and everything would be better. Just like everything else, once he got all he wanted, eventually he lost interest. It would be impossible for me to transcribe how up and down we have been when it comes to being on the same page with sex...I chased him, he had no interest...I lost all interest (for all of the same reasons as you), he chased me, when he didn't get it he was HORRIBLE to live with...we finally got on the same page, then for no apparent reason he lost interest again....and on and on it goes. After 15 years I just basically leave it completely up to him...but anyway....
Go to his appointment with him...and focus solely on the medication issues you have. Most psychiatrists don't deal with 'problems' in the marriage, but they will deal with medication issues. It is a VERY VALID issue that he doesn't take his meds on the weekends...most doctors feel skipping meds on the weekends is the 'old school' way of doing things and don't recommend it at all. Also, many people take a 2nd dosage late in the afternoon in order to not come home from work and be in 'crash' mode, which means they're irritable and not much fun to be around. (this happens to my DH around 9 o'clock...he goes to bed around 10). So, my suggestion to you, instead of focusing on your laundry list of issues, is to address how you would like for him to try and take meds 7 days a week for a while. If they are making him feel like he cannot relax, then maybe he is on the wrong meds...becuase most people do NOT want to miss a dosage because they are only able to relax when taking meds. My DH actually sleeps better when taking a late afternoon dosage too.
Once he's on medication then you might discuss making an appt to see a counselor who can help you guys work through a few issues...maybe the top 3 issues. (lack of time spent together might be where you could start). Make the appt when he's fully medicated and will be open to discussing things with you.
Last, as you know it takes two to make these marriages what they are...and I do admire you for trying to work on yourself and your own attitude. It is hard to admit that we've been part of the problem all along...but we are. It is a delicate balance between setting boundaries for ourselves and recognizing our own contributions to the issues. I wish you the best of luck.
This, this and this.
Submitted by Pbartender on
In retrospect, I've realized that before I was diagnosed, I was using sex to self-medicate. I don't think I was addicted, per say, but I was probably about ->||<- this close to it.
So, I wanted sex a lot (I still do, really, but I've learned to deal with it better)... My wife used to enjoy sex almost as much and as often. Once we were married, though, we quickly had two kids, and we were both working (both with weird rotating shifts). It tough to find time together, and we were often worn out and tired. That doesn't slow don't your typical male much, but it could get tough for my wife to get into the mood. Non-sexual romance withered in the face of our schedules. Fore-play was often curtailed as one or the other of us needed the sleep. Sex ended up being rather functional and rushed, more often than not.
Be both contributed to the problem... She felt used and uncared for, because of the lack of romance. I felt rejected and confused, because I wanted to give her the romance she was complaining about not getting, but wasn't getting a chance to.
On one hand, when we were having more sex, things were better... On the other hand, had my ADHD been appropriately treated, I might not have felt like I needed quite so much sex, and the lack of that expectation also would have taken the pressure off.
Pb.
Hello Justwanna!
Submitted by ellamenno on
Well, I agree with Sherri about having your DH try meds on the weekends. This seems like a no brainer to me (I am the ADHD wife in my marriage) and I felt justified when I read Ned Hallowell's post, 'ADHD doesn't take a summer break". It doesn't take a weekend break either. As a mom and household organizer/cook/cleaner this was obvious to ME right away. I was diagnosed less than 2 years ago, and last spring, my doctor said, "Well, we're heading into summer now, so you can take a break from the meds." My jaw hit the floor. I said, "Um....... no. If ANYTHING, Doc, I'm going to need them more than ever: my daughter will be out of school which means two kids on my hands ALL DAY EVERY DAY.... throw in air travel several times, driving in unfamiliar cities.... Uh-uh. No WAY i'm going off the meds for the summer!
Sadly, Doctors are used to college students who fake symptoms to get scripts for Adderall to get through exams. No, i don't have a chemistry exam during the weekend, but I sure as hell need to notice the sign that says 'ONE WAY' even though it's Saturday.
I cannot TELL you what a difference medication has made in my life just in terms of the whole driving thing. Without meds, I would probably just refuse to go anywhere just due to the fear of getting in an accident because I don't notice what I should.
And the sex thing.... funny... I have the same experience you do, but I'm the one with ADHD. My DH is much nicer to me when we are having it, and grumpy when we're not. I always have to initiate it now though - I'm not sure why. He doesnt' usually reject it - unless he's super tired, but it's hard for me to bring it up, because I have felt so unattractive for the last... well... I dunno HOW long, and I can't shake the fear that since diagnosis, he feels like i'm like a mentally challenged child.
if you can talk him into
Submitted by funnyfarm on
if you can talk him into taking them on the weekend it would be good for all of you. Why should Work get the 'good' guy and you get the ADHD guy ? Mine almost always 'forgets' to take his on the weekend, he forget half the time during the week too. he says he doesn't notice a differnce when he takes his meds, but I do. lets just say we are now hanging on by a very thin thread. The other thing not sure if your H should consider this, wish mine would, but my kids get their meds in the am then get an evening boost to get us all thru the evening, my H could use an evening boost of adderall too but i have a hard enough time getting him to just take the morning one. Again why should work get the ADHD controlled person and wife/kids get the crap ??
And you shouldn't have to deal with the poopy version of your DH
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Agreed, Funnyfarm. That's why I take meds 3 times a day. I can't imagine trying to function in my home environment, which is by nature less structured than work. I would be wandering from room to room without any purpose whatsoever, getting nothing done, and blowing my stack every other second. It would be ugly, and I don't see why any ADHD partner would willingly put their family though that crap if there was an alternative available...
Wow. He really doesn't see a difference when he is on medication but you do? Talk about "poor self-observation." You should surreptitiously videotape him on and off medication. Then add some music for each version of himself. Off medication, I'd probably have The Imperial March (Darth Vader's theme song) followed by Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies from the Nutcracker (Poor attention span extends to my moods, too...) I have recorded my son a few times using my phone. I can argue and argue and argue with him, but the phone doesn't lie. He can SEE the difference, literally. I'm kind joking, but kind of serious about the videotaping. That could go very well, or very badly... It worked with my son because he's my son...
That cracked me up - he is
Submitted by funnyfarm on
That cracked me up - he is most definately the Darth Vader type guy off meds...although he is never the sugar plum fairy guy on meds, too funny...he is less easily angered but i i rarely think of him as happy. even on two antidepressants. but i think that is just his nature, his sister even said he was always a "doom and Gloom sort of kid', pessimist by nature. BUT still much better than living with the life sucking darth vader person. You are right he has Very poor self awareness, i have thought for years to put 'nanny cams' around the house so he could see himself...not that I'm an angel but my outburst usually are in response to his outbursts. He is either in total denial or completely clueless. Awesome that you take remember to take meds 3 times a day, wow.
Well, I hope this lasts,
Submitted by Justwannagiveup on
Well, I hope this lasts, because besides the watching more tv than I like, and sleeping alot on the weekend, he's actually been helping out alot, and when I ask him to do something, he does it, almost joyfully, even on the weekend off meds. I sort of think that he has been frustrated for not getting his needs met for years now, that he just sort of got used to it and thought he was just going to be frustrated forever(as did I) and was taking it out on me and the kids, not playing with the kids unless I forced him to, and not really interested in spending time with me. He actually is showing interest in me now outside of just sex. And I feel like I can ask him to help with things and him not give me additude or act like I'm totally out of line for asking him to help. He stayed with the kids most of saturday so I could go do garage sale with my friend at another house, and offered to bring us lunch on his way out for me to nurse the baby down for her nap, willingly helped out with loading up trucks and taking stuff to CCA, then since I was exhausted and hadn't thought about dinner, took us all out for dinner and helped get the kids to bed when we got back home. Sunday was a little more lazy, I got up with the kids and he slept until 11 am(jealous!) and we watched tv and zoned out half the day, but I left the kids with him again to go run a bunch of errands, and was gone about 4 hours, and he was perfectly fine with the kids, even after our daughter fell and busted her lip, and needed a nap, but he was having a hard time getting her down he was texting me and being his usual funny, silly self(which I feel like I haven't seen in years)..he vacuumed the floor(mainly because he broke a glass, but still appreciated, lol), put clean sheets on our son's bed, and helped him put his clothes away(I still had to make a list of things for him to do while I was gone and he did 2 out 3 of them) made us some drinks and then we all relaxed for a bit. I cleaned up the kitchen and made his lunch for him while he bathed both the kids(he never does this with a good additude), and got all the trash out with only being told once, instead of multiple times and me getting frustrated and doing it myself. So, a lot of what I thought was ADD and him simply forgetting to do things was actually him not really wanting to help me because I wasn't helping him out. So that's nice to know. Oh, and another thing that I thought would never change..we use cloth diapers for our daughter. He normally will change them(not very willingly, but he does it) and leave the diaper laying out(wet or poopy, doesnt matter) rather than cleaning it out and sticking it in the wetbag for washing later, and I reminded him before I left the house both days to clean up the diapers when he's done changing it, and he did it. I know this seems small, but in the past, I could have asked him, and he'd say "okay." again, with additude, and then not do it, so I was shocked he actually did it. so, thoughts? Is this just a phase you think or do you think regualar sex is actually making these huge improvements?? As a woman, I can't imagine wanting sex without emotional and physical support, but he seemed to not care too much and wanted sex all the time. Is that a guy thing? I guess so.
He also told me a few weeks
Submitted by Justwannagiveup on
He also told me a few weeks back when all this erupted, that he got the the point where he stopped initiating sex with me because he was tired of getting rejected. So he started only initiating it after a good amount of time had passed and he felt like he wouldn't get rejected(usually a week or week and a half) rather than every couple of days. I always just thought he needed less as he got older, and actually thought I was trying to have sex with him more often(I never initiated it though, just went along when he did), so I never thought this was an issue, but apparently it was, and he just never told me. I know he has a higher sex drive than me, and I am still breastfeeding our daughter, so that probably doesn't help, but if regular sex can make such huge improvements in him, then I'm sure going to try harder to put myself in the mood when I'm not, and actually it's not too hard to get in the mood when he's being helpful and acting like he cares about all of us:)
A guy thing?
Submitted by Pbartender on
"As a woman, I can't imagine wanting sex without emotional and physical support, but he seemed to not care too much and wanted sex all the time. Is that a guy thing? I guess so."
Kind of, but not really... Despite the stereotypes, most guys want the same thing you do, but for us it seems to work the other way around. Most women need the emotional attachment and support before they really get interested in sex and intimacy. Whereas, for most men, sex and intimacy helps build and strengthen the emotional attachment and support.
Pb.
So many changes... We're doing a it better
Submitted by Justwannagiveup on
We went through the ADHD effect on marriage course and while it did help us it wasn't the only answer. I've discovered that I'm an alcoholic and I have ADD as well. I haven't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist but by the naturopath that I work for currently. I have been sober for 3 1/2 months and have been using essential oils and taking supplements to help with the symptoms of ADD. I never saw it in myself but after getting this office job and pretty much feeling like I have been failing constantly, I asked the dr to do biofeedback and it showed that ADD is present. Turns out I was projecting a lot of our problems and blaming my husband for everything. I'm not saying he was not at fault... I'm saying we both were at fault. The drinking made me a lazy parent and our kids were not disciplined. So instead of discipline them gently I was being permissive. I was depressed, I have anxiety and since I've been making changes in myself and the way I parent, everything is so much better!!
Awesome news!
Submitted by OMT2013 on
Congratulations on all the amazing progress! Making changes is never easy - you are demonstrating your strength with everything you've tackled. So glad to hear you are feeling better. Happy New Year!