We seem to have gotten to polar opposites of fun/work linear scale. My married life has been about building, maintaining, planning, working. DH has been about having fun, being personable, sense of humor, talking his way around things, jokes, his own pleasure experience. I slid into workathon when I thought that if he saw me have fun, he would get distracted and think he deserved more fun that he is already having (he has a distorted sense of what is fair) and he would abandon his work and promises and have only fun abandoning more of his share of work. Now I realize I don't even know how to have fun anymore amidst my worrying and frustration and fear of failures and trying to balance things. He pays no attention to responsibilities, thinking of future, finances or bills. I realize we have practiced this for so many years that I am no longer able to find and know and enjoy pleasure. He is incapable of flexing his building/conversing sensibly/work muscles (except when he initiates something fun and creative or physically outside it is like he is my pool boy and he expects me to finance things while he gets merit points for mowing the lawn). I cannot bear to live with no pleasure or joy or partnering. If I go out and have fun every day, will he pick up some responsibilities more? Just a question to the ADDers if this might be worth it. How would you react if your nonADHD spouse would suddenly change from Responsible Rabbit to Goof Off Goose?
Work or fun?
Submitted by jennalemon on 08/18/2012.
Jennalemon, You have just as
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Jennalemon,
You have just as much right to go out and have fun as he does. But, until he is hit up the side of the head with that, it will continue. I have gone through the same thing with my ADHD husband and when my own health and well-being started failing, I said something. You deserve joy and pleasure. Are there any responsibilities, that aren't a matter of life or death, that you can let go of? Perhaps something that you do for him that is not a necessity. Maybe the deck of cards falling on "his" head would help!!!!!
I've experienced what you're
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I've experienced what you're going through, Jennalemon. I do think you should relearn to have fun and experience pleasure. Pleasure makes life worth living!
But I don't think you should try the having-fun experiment if you'll only call it a success if it results in your husband taking on more responsibilities, for two reasons (at least): 1) It's unlikely to have that result. 2) Your ability to have fun should not depend on what your husband does and doesn't do. That would make you and him more codependent, not a good thing in my book.
Oh Girl ...
Submitted by bilf on
Childish entitlement
Submitted by jennalemon on
DH acts like a child who feels entitled. A person who uses a cute turn of phrase or smile or joke to get his way. He does not feel guilt or shame when he breaks a promise or fails at something. He only puts an effort into something if there is a real and imposing consequence. He wants to be rewarded for every little thing he does around the house. He does things for attention and acts oddly, maddeningly romantic to women when we are out in public. He is more of a "personality character" than a person I can relate to. He says "Everyone has a little imp inside of them". That makes me mistrust him knowing he is proud of the "imp" inside of himself. When we were young and in love, we had silly fun together. But I am an adult with children. I don't want playful sex with a "naughty little boy" anymore yet DH feels entitled and angry when he doesn't get his way. I want a man I can partner with and be strong together when things get difficult and trust in and out of bed.
My husband once said the most important thing in his life was his sense of humor and that he will never give that up no matter what. First of all no one asked him to give up his sense of humor and second of all.....(Ouch. and 2 more ouches for my sons). But sense of humor has not paid the bills or given us the feeling of stability and love. His sense of humor is not enough to make him the partner and role model I need him to be. His jokes are not funny to me anymore but lots of people like his sense of humor. (He is a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live here where everything is a joke).
I got off track there. My point is....Does anyone else see a childishness to this thing termed ADD/ADHD? Or is this just my DH and who he is aside from the ADD?
Why am I still focusing on DH when I promised myself I would focus on other things in my world? Because when the chair is constantly being pulled out from under you, you tend to focus on the chair rather than the food and table you came to sit at.
"Don't give your life away. No one respects you for it, least of all the one you are giving your own life up for." Jennalemon
Me too :( :(
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
My twins turned 18 in April. In less days than I can count on the fingers of one hand, the first one leaves for college. Days later, the other follows. I am then, left alone, with this perpetual "man child". Tragic....this is the point in "normal" couples lives where all the hard work is done. All the selfless, "put the kids first" time is over. The once chaotic house is empty, and it's time to reap the benefits of a loving, caring, trusting, special, mutually-exclusive-relationship-that-only-you-two-share. Well sad to say, I don't have that and never, ever will.
Mine is juvenile as well. ALWAYS has to have the spotlight. Has to make a joke (though MANY are only comprehensible to him). ALWAYS needs attention and literally cannot survive without the smile and acknowledgement and "pat on the back", EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMETHING IS DONE.
It's tragic. I cannot speak for any relationship other than my own, but they all seem so strikingly similar, regardless of time together or circumstance. We met as teens. I fell SO VERY HARD for him. He left, came back and as young adults, we married. He knew I was hurt by him in the younger days of or dating. He knew how I just loved him, wanted to be with him, and live happily ever after. He assured me he wanted that too. That after being apart, I WAS THE ONE. Well let me tell you, the only time I really ever felt special and magical and truly loved, the way a woman is supposed to feel is when I was pregnant. So for 8 months out of 25 years of marriage, I was special. I felt secure and loved and all good things, which is very odd, considering I was the focus of all the attention. I don't know what it is but I just feel as though I am some disposable annoyance anymore. Feel I am not even here, let alone part of his life, part of a marriage.
I have NO ANSWERS, only more and more questions as time goes on. You are not alone. I wish I could help, BELIEVE ME....I PRAY EVERYDAY FOR ANSWERS.
I agree that some spouses
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree that some spouses with ADHD act like children (or, in my case, teenagers). But the question then becomes, are you going to allow yourself to be held hostage by a child(like person)? You deserve, and have the ability, to have fun and have pleasure in your life, even if your spouse has pulled the chair out from under you.
Rosered
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
This is the issue I am STRUGGLING with right now....and I do mean STRUGGLING.....married for better or for worse. Cancer isn't a deal breaker, being in a wheelchair isn't a deal breaker....who would even ASK those questions?????????........How can I walk away with my head held high, knowing I did everything I could possibly do to make this "right" and "good", but now, for my own mental health, I have to walk away?????