I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't wanna lose him, as a person, his heart, our memories, the time I invested, the future I can sometimes see. But I need to look out for myself and I don't want to be 10 years ahead wishing I had put myself first and ended it when I needed to.
I work. He doesn't. I work hard and long hours, I bring my work home, I cook dinner, I clean, I do the bills, I try to keep the organization, I try to help him find a job so he can contribute, the medical bills the unpaid debt! All of it on my radar constantly! I try to not make him feel like a failure for getting laid off the last job the # 53+ job!! And no that is not an exageration. I have known him more than half of my life as of 2 months ago. We met as teenagers and he was my first love. After a few years apart he appeared again and held me through some of the hardest grief filled years of my life. He was working feeling 'good", then the effects of the years of the "self medicating" of the ADHD reared its head... Cardiomyopathy, a damaged heart from "partying", pot addiction issues, and low low low self esteem issues, all of it came to a head over the year. So now Adderall/Ritilin is either out of the question or a risk of a heart attack and death!
nice choice.
We both work to 'resolve' these issues. Hours of therapy, cut out negative family members, found a better more peaceful place to live, placed ourselves in a bubble to heal. It worked for a while and then the reality of what he is and has comes to the surface.
I am drained, exhausted and love his heart and his soul but hate the day to day. I can't take the day to day, the shifts! the moods! the lack of esteem!the blowing up at my everyday, usual wifey complaints, my requests that are in good nature and communicated kindly. If I sound like his demeaning mother, he explodes, if anything I say reminds him of a negative work experience in whcih he failed, he explodes.
We are in a new place now, I have career goals, I want babies, I want a "normal" life. I want a life where one honest comment and what I see as usual conversation doesn't blow up. His ADHD and extreme, partially homeless, dysfunctional family issues leaves me exhausted.
I need advice any advice. I can't live being the non-ADHD spouse, that is not good enoough for me. I deserve better I am understanding and compassionate and accepting but when I get thrown aside and treated like crap because of the the ADHD. I am done. I know it is a chemical issue, a legitimate, neuroscience biological medical diagnosis and condition, I realize that but how are the spouses supposed to cope? To be stepped on and walk on eggshells to make someone else constantly feel better or good about themselves? That is not a life.
I don't envy you at all. It's
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I don't envy you at all. It's tough to be in a situation that has no answers.
When was the last time he went to a doctor about the ADHD? Were you with him when the doctor said no stimulant medications? There are other prescriptions besides Ritalin/Adderall. I know Wellbutrin is a mild stimulant that is usually used to treat depression and help smokers stop smoking. I want to say that I've heard of some ADHDers being on it, but I can't remember. There's got to be something out there that will help him but not harm his heart.
Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you. If you've been in therapy before together and there's no long lasting results...that's tough. It sounds like he comes from a very dysfunctional background. Has he ever been in an inpatient program? It may help for him to get him some full-time, patient centered care. Otherwise, he may just never improve. I think the most important thing is that he has got to WANT to improve and sadly, you can't help him with that. I've started gradually accepting this about my hubby. He's got a lot of anger and resentment about his upbringing but all I can do is pray for him and listen when he vents (though it can be difficult when he starts spewing really awful stuff about people). You've got to decide if you love him enough to put aside your dreams. Certainly don't feel bad about it if you decide to choose you. I used to struggle with the idea that I didn't want to bring children into our marriage so therefore that meant that I probably wouldn't get to have them. But somewhere along the way I finally acknowledged to myself that I was OK if I didn't have children and that's taken a lot of pressure off of me. It's still hard to see other people I know get pregnant and "move on", but I've also acknowledged that we live in a very children-centric society and there's nothing I can do about that. I've got to decide what's best for me.
Now I'm trying to move past the concept that repairing our marriage is something that can be done quickly. It can't be. It's taken us a year to come back from the brink of divorce and things are still not where I want them to be. Though I made a revelation that I've just got to make my mind up to stay. That means if we have a nasty fight or if he does something that really upsets me, I can't automatically fall into the mindset of, "I can't deal with this. I can't live my life this way." The more I think that way, the bleaker the future gets, and so I've got to get beyond that.
I wish you the best of luck with your decision(s).