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I am so sorry you are having a hard time. You wrote that he presents a charming face to the outside world, and that the few people who know what is going on live in your house. My advice to you is to reach out. I know, I know...it is hard, you are so stretched already, you have no money...I know. Been there. My spouse was incredibly popular and charismatic, the life of the dinner or the party--but at home, we were in hell. Many of the same issues. Full disclosure, I left mine. I stay on these boards to work through the aftermath:-)
Find a counselor or therapist or doctor or support group or someone. Tell another friend or two. The best thing I ever did was break down and tell my mother, who I hadn't wanted to worry, what was going on. Turns out she is a smart cookie and could tell something was very wrong, anyway. A good therapist can help you figure out what you want, what you can control, and what you can't, and what you want to do about it. My therapist looked at me one day and said, "It sounds like you feel like a victim." Whoa. I did. I felt trapped. My spouse's behavior was so bad on so many levels, right? And I realized that I had let myself get so worn down and numb, that I was just in siege mode. And reacting rather than acting.
Not to be harsh, but I needed to hear it myself. Your kids whom you love, who have no idea what is going on? They do know, on many levels, what is going on. They don't deserve to grow up in an environment like this, right? You sound like a thoughtful, caring mother, who happens to be exhausted and depressed and angry and at the end of her rope. But, your kids need you. And they grow up learning how to be adults and how to behave, by watching their parents. Little boys learn how to be men by watching their father. And they need you to make this better, which could take many forms. Again, not to be harsh--but the day I got hit in the face with this fact, and the life my children were having with their mother functioning, but not living, was the day I found the love and strength to take care of myself, whatever that needed to be.
Thank you for your candid response. These are some of the very same points I have made to myself when fighting with what to do. I do have a very good friend that I talk to on a daily basis about the issues and that does help some, just like these forums. BUT, it does nothing to change what I'm dealing with. The points you made to leave all sound very good in theory, but I also see the good things he does which I did not mention in my post.
There are moments where he is a very good father. He is also very reliable financially. I just wonder if my children are better off having me home, full time to care for them and their needs and to lovingly guide them through life or if I left.. would be a harried, stressed out mess trying to support us all, working full time AND trying to be the sole care giver. Then I am afraid they would lose both parents. I stay mostly for the kids and somewhat from hope that things will improve. I am not quite ready to give up the idea or fantasy that if things could just improve slowly, I could get through it.
I fight a daily battle on whether or not I am ready to move on. Thanks again for your frank response.
reach out
Submitted by lynninny on
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. You wrote that he presents a charming face to the outside world, and that the few people who know what is going on live in your house. My advice to you is to reach out. I know, I know...it is hard, you are so stretched already, you have no money...I know. Been there. My spouse was incredibly popular and charismatic, the life of the dinner or the party--but at home, we were in hell. Many of the same issues. Full disclosure, I left mine. I stay on these boards to work through the aftermath:-)
Find a counselor or therapist or doctor or support group or someone. Tell another friend or two. The best thing I ever did was break down and tell my mother, who I hadn't wanted to worry, what was going on. Turns out she is a smart cookie and could tell something was very wrong, anyway. A good therapist can help you figure out what you want, what you can control, and what you can't, and what you want to do about it. My therapist looked at me one day and said, "It sounds like you feel like a victim." Whoa. I did. I felt trapped. My spouse's behavior was so bad on so many levels, right? And I realized that I had let myself get so worn down and numb, that I was just in siege mode. And reacting rather than acting.
Not to be harsh, but I needed to hear it myself. Your kids whom you love, who have no idea what is going on? They do know, on many levels, what is going on. They don't deserve to grow up in an environment like this, right? You sound like a thoughtful, caring mother, who happens to be exhausted and depressed and angry and at the end of her rope. But, your kids need you. And they grow up learning how to be adults and how to behave, by watching their parents. Little boys learn how to be men by watching their father. And they need you to make this better, which could take many forms. Again, not to be harsh--but the day I got hit in the face with this fact, and the life my children were having with their mother functioning, but not living, was the day I found the love and strength to take care of myself, whatever that needed to be.
Best to you.
Thank you
Submitted by At_A_Loss on
Thank you for your candid response. These are some of the very same points I have made to myself when fighting with what to do. I do have a very good friend that I talk to on a daily basis about the issues and that does help some, just like these forums. BUT, it does nothing to change what I'm dealing with. The points you made to leave all sound very good in theory, but I also see the good things he does which I did not mention in my post.
There are moments where he is a very good father. He is also very reliable financially. I just wonder if my children are better off having me home, full time to care for them and their needs and to lovingly guide them through life or if I left.. would be a harried, stressed out mess trying to support us all, working full time AND trying to be the sole care giver. Then I am afraid they would lose both parents. I stay mostly for the kids and somewhat from hope that things will improve. I am not quite ready to give up the idea or fantasy that if things could just improve slowly, I could get through it.
I fight a daily battle on whether or not I am ready to move on. Thanks again for your frank response.