I am not sure if my Husband has ADHD or what but I am SO FED UP with this constant not going to work!! He works for a union and has been at his job for almost 6 years. When he found out about FMLA during his 3rd year that's when things took a turn for the worse. He tells his doctor he's got back issues, which he does, but they certainly don't keep him from working. His doctor doesn't seem to care when he comes in asking for a note saying why he missed so many days. He is supposed to be limited to 2 days a month off. However he has already been out all last week and 2 days the previous week---this is all without pay. He left at his usual time this morning but I don't think he went to work because I see by our phone records that he called the number he calls when he's not going in within 2 minutes after leaving.
About a month ago he pulled this same crap. Didn't work for 1 1/2 weeks and realized how angry I was getting. Left at his usual 4:15 AM time but then right before I left for work at 6:30 I check our phone records and his bank acct. because I really didn't believe he was at work. Sure enough he called in sick and according to his bank account had just paid for coffee at a shop 30 minutes south of where he was supposed to be. So he was basically biding his time until I left and then he'd come home and as far as I knew he would have been at work since I wouldn't be home until 3 hours after he supposedly got home. I was LIVID!!!!!!! I text him that I saw his transaction at this place and is he really there. I am so damn angry I can't go into work. He shows up at home about 20 minutes later (you know when he thought I'd be gone to work myself) and he acts like he just saw the text. He proceeds to tell me he went into work but NO ONE (a company of 10,000 people!) was there and they had no work for him and told him to go home! Really??!! You've been out 1 1/2 weeks and you walk into work and they tell you they have no work and to go home? They provide work for you in other areas if they don't have anything. He then proceeds to tell me that he went and got coffee at this one place and then had breakfast at another place 30 minutes south of where he was supposed to be! Really? Rather than come home you went WAY out of your way to go have coffee? And amazingly came home about 15 minutes after you thought I'd be gone? Then if I was gone I'd think that you went to work and all would be right?
I am so upset that I tell him I'm not going to work and go back to bed. 5 minutes later he comes in and says he just got a text from his partner saying that he saw him come in and leave and how there's no work. Gee how convenient! Then he starts going on and on about how many texts he has and how he should delete them. Then apparently he was looking at my phone (my non-smart phone) and starts saying "Oh do you delete your texts because I have so many texts". Then starts going on about how he plugged my phone in to recharge. Gee why because it was charging all night and was fully charged! Then says how it's odd how I have all these dating sights on my phone. Really? I didn't put them there as I never do anything but call or text since none of that other stuff is paid for on my phone. So I'm guessing since I called him out on looking at his bank account now he's going to try and call me out on going to dating sites.
THEN we are sitting around while he is watching this video game chat and the guy mentions his wife and he goes "Yeah wives!. You can't get away with anything". Gee were you TRYING to get away with something?? Then he says that he was thinking of stopping by his buddies place while he was in the area where he got this coffee. Really? Your buddy is retired and doesn't get out of bed until 10AM but you were going to stop by and see him at 7AM?
None of what he told me makes any sense and he is trying really hard to put the point across about everything which just screams "I'm trying to hide stuff from you". He can't pay for his share of anything. I pay the entire mortgage and bills every month since after all is said and done and child support is taken out, most of his checks don't amount to more than $300. Then the once every 4 months he CAN pay his share of the mortgage or he pays a bill then he thinks I should bow down and kiss his feet for doing it! It has gotten to the point where I don't even ask if he's going in because he will always tell me yes but either won't get up in the morning or play this current game of driving around for 3 hours until I leave for work. Gee that's going to get tiresome, isn't it? He just told me 2 weeks ago that he has to work OT on the weekends to get a decent check but then turns around and pulls this crap of weeks of not working. It doesn't make any sense! One time last year he was out for an entire month and he didn't get into trouble for it!
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I should add that I can't
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I should add that I can't find anyone or any article online who has the same issue as I do. I find a lot of "My husband won't get a job or can't keep a job" but nobody seems to have my situation of a husband who HAS a job but just does not feel the need to go AND still manages to not get fired.
He has been at the same job for almost 6 years but has moved to probably 10 different positions within that job. He's worked all 3 shifts, worked in different areas and even managed to score a desk job there, but he eventually hates who he's working with or hates the work and asks to get transferred to another area where everything and everyone is great for 2 months and then he gets pissed off at someone and wants to move again. By the way...it's NEVER his fault!
If this was not a union job he would have been axed long ago. He always finds a way to finagle the doctor or the union rep to be on his side. Even now when his boss says 2 days in February were never accounted for, he always finds a way to account for them. I would really love for him to get fired. Well, not really, but I would love for him to get what is coming to him and then be like "Gee I NEVER saw that coming!"
This is strange. I can't
Submitted by MFrances on
This is strange. I can't understand either why he isn't getting fired. My husband works for a union too and there is some protection in that but if you aren't showing up there's only so much the company can really put up with. Even with FMLA, the employer only has to hold the job for 3 months (6 months maybe?-there is a time limit. Since he's moved so much within the company maybe that's what they are doing instead of firing him? I don't know. It is very strange and I'm sure very frustrating to you.
Well it was his choice to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Well it was his choice to move around in the company so I don't think that is the reason. Anytime I do bring it up to him he tells me EVERYONE does it and he would never jeopardize his job. I just don't understand how he can show his face at work after days and weeks off! There's only so many excuses that he can use before it's just to the point of ridiculousness. And he'll give me a different one until I get angry and then he'll go "My back is killing me and I can't work so back off" Really? But you can garden and work on your motorcycle?
He finally came out last
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He finally came out last night and told me why he is REALLY taking all this time off. I pretty much knew why already. Says he just gets too stressed out working there. He works around "idiots" and he and his manager don't get along and how his manager favors one guy and always puts the blame on him for this guy's mistakes. He showed me all the notes he's been taking about how his manager has treated him and is thinking about going to HR with it. He had finally (I think) found a position there before he took this one that he was happy in, but left it to go to this position because there was a lot of OT available. However once he got there there was no OT available and he couldn't go back to his other job. I'm sorry you don't like your job, but you need to find a way to enjoy it enough to go in. You will NEVER find another job that pays as well as this one (he gets a $12/hr hike in pay next month). He even said he thought about taking a leave of absence for a few months and going to work for his buddy to chill out. If he did that he would never go back to this job. I told him as much and that if he left they would never take him back. He said that they would take him back but I hardly believe that you would be the person they'd want back with all your absences!
I don't know why he thinks he is this special flower who doesn't have to go to work because he can't get along with anyone. How many people in the world hate their jobs but go in because they have to?! I looked at his pay stub today. 2 weeks, which should have been 80 hours, were only 32 hours. His overall before anything was taken out was $856. However take out over everything for CS, loans, food service and just general taxes and his check was $101!! Can he not see how absolutely ridiculous that is?!
I told him that I was glad he finally told me the real reason he wasn't going in rather than these BS excuses he used and he goes "I'm sorry, but I don't like to talk about work and it would end up upsetting you as much as me". Really? So you think lying and leaving the house like you are going to work only to drive around for 3 hours until I leave is way better??
He left for "work" this morning and I checked phone records shortly thereafter to see if he called the attendance line but there was nothing. However he left about 10 minutes later than usual and didn't take his coffee thermos with him so it wouldn't surprise me if he was just driving around to kill time before coming home. I check our records again 30 minutes later and it must have just taken time to register because then it showed he called in sick about 2 minutes after he left home.
I got a text from him at 7AM (I usually leave between 6:45 and 7) saying "If you are still home can you see if I left paperwork on the kitchen table". Right there I knew he was seeing if I was gone so he could come home. Either way he figured he'd be safe. If I told him I wasn't there, he'd come home. If I told him I was still there and he wasn't sure when I'd be gone then he'd still come home regardless to look for that "paperwork" he needs for work. I sat there until 7:30 waiting for him. I hated that I was going to be late (I'm still earlier than a majority of people even when I'm late!) and almost called in sick again to just wait for him, but then said screw it and left. He'd have his plausible reason of needing to look for paperwork anyways if I was still there and say he couldn't go back because he couldn't find the paperwork and would have to go to the doctor's office later that day to get new paperwork. I've heard that one before.
He seemed so convincing last night too when he apologized for not going in and told me he would today. I can't trust a single thing he says anymore. I wonder what I can start lying about on a daily basis to compete with him?!
Same Boat Mapper
Submitted by jennalemon on
Dh has a "business" that has not done well for over 17 years. He finally went and got a job when I left him at home for a few days with the electricity turned off until he paid the electric bill. He told me about the benefits this job was going to give him (and they promised that he would get full time after 3 months) and ACTED like he was excited at first when he got it - talking about overtime he was going to take if offered. 6 month later and he is only going in 1 - 3 days per week TOTAL - the last few month only 2 days a week. No benefits, no overtime. My dh is ALL TALK. Our relationship has become one of cat and mouse games. Lies and more lies to cover up his lies. His FULL time job I am realizing is to manipulate me into taking care of things for him while he hides and jokes. One day I came upon him parked at a "park and ride" lot sleeping in his car while he was supposed to be working - in the winter! One day I called him on the cell phone and he told me he was traveling 60 miles away and told me the exact location he was on the highway.....all while I was looking at him from my car window. He was outdoors leaning on a building in our town smoking cigars.
Mapper, it is so easy to see how your husband is lying and taking advantage of you. Why is it so hard to see it in our own lives? That is why I keep writing here so often. I can't believe this is my life. When i read what I wrote in past days....I can see my situation for what it is better. Boy, it is hard to get off this denial train I am on. I don't want to accept what I already know. OR I don't know how to go about breaking down my family that I have spent my heart and soul on for 40 years.
Dh is more like a rebellious, lazy, younger brother than a husband/head of household. His main goal seems to be to "get away with" not doing anything.
My main goal is to keep our collective heads above water.
I am really tempted to just
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I am really tempted to just stay home tomorrow or Friday and see what he does. He'll either have some excuse for me when I get home as to why he can't go in (appt., etc) or he'll play his game of leaving for 3 hours and coming home after I'm gone. Why would he rather do that (spend gas and money he doesn't have trying to make me think he is going in) rather than just man up and tell me?! I'm sure he drives somewhere and has breakfast and sits and reads his book. How long can he keep up this game? Then when I need money for his half of the bills and mortgage where is that going to come from? All those hours he supposedly worked? His daughter is supposed to come visit this weekend and she always comes via train. Her mom pays for her to come up and he pays for her to go back. There have been several times where I've had to pay for her $50 ticket because he doesn't have any money to get it. Sad. this time if he asks I will say "No I'm tapped. Guess she can't come up."
I used to work from home so he could never pull this crap before of pretending to go to work and come home a few hours later. Of course then he just didn't go in or he'd drive in and then call me and go "Did I leave my entry badge there?" Then when I'd say no he would still come home and look for it and AMAZINGLY he would always find it in the driveway on his way inside. Then he'd come up with reasons as to why he couldn't go back.
If he only knew how much I knew. I looked at his bank acct last month and caught him in a lie which I confronted him on. He has since changed his password. If he knew I checked his Facebook, email, phone and text records and knew how much I knew about him lying to me he'd be livid!
Simple things as appts he
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Simple things as appts he can't keep. He goes on and on about how he needs physical therapy and finally gets an appt for today at 3PM. He calls my cell at 2:50 and I didn't answer simply because I'm angry at him. 15 minutes later he sends me an email saying the Tru Green guy is there killing weeds. It is 3:05 and his appt was at 3 so obviously he canceled it. Actually he is supposed to have phlebotomy appts at 3 every Wednesday to take iron out of his blood. His doctor diagnosed him with too much iron, which can cause liver disease, cancer, diabetes, etc. He had his first appt 1 month ago today which went okay. He went back the following Wed. and they said his hemoglobin was too low so they were going to do it the following week instead. Got all uppity about how he took the time to go and now they wouldn't do it. I told myself "Well I bet that's the last time he goes there". Told me he was going to that appt last Wed. but that was a lie as he was really going to his doctor to get a note for being out at work. So he's basically written off his phlebotomies like it's too much of a hassle and he can't be bothered if they are just going to tell him they can't do it. Yeah cancer and diabetes is SOOOO much better!
If it doesn't involve beer, liquor, video games, or pot he's not going to do anything on a regular basis!
Friends
Submitted by jennalemon on
You need a life with friends. Like I do. I go to Alanon. It helps you to eventually start to accept and see what you are dealing with when you tell your stories to people who know what it is like to be married to someone who would rather (have to?) sit alone drinking a beer than to be with you, talk to you, work with you.
I get home last night and DH
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I get home last night and DH is going on about the Tru-Green guy and how good our yard is going to look. Yeah whatever. I say to him "So I thought you had your PT appt at 3PM but you sent me an email at 3:05 telling me the Tru-Green guy was there." He goes "Oh...yeah...I forgot about it." Good freaking god-no you didn't!! Our phone records show you called to cancel at 2:15. My god he is lying about something as simple as an appt!!
Last night as we got in bed I say "So tomorrow you get your big paycheck, huh?" to which he nervously chuckles and goes "Yeah" because he knows I know it won't be much of anything. I then go very sarcastically "So can I expect that $550 for your share of the mortgage you promised me 2 weeks ago right?" He laughs and goes "Oooooh...nice jab". He doesn't take it seriously AT ALL!!
He doesn't tell me last night if he is or isn't going in to work today and I don't ask because it's going to be a lie anyways. Sets his alarm to go off at 3:30 to keep up appearances, hits snooze his usual 3 times to keep up appearances, and switches it off at 4AM and rolls back to sleep.
He just thinks this whole situation is hilarious!
Failing business at home for years, no income
Submitted by Linsy on
Same here. He pretended to work, and said laughingly that he could do what was necessary one day a week. He did not account for the other days. He grossly neglected our elder son, who got into trouble online as a result of his father ignoring him while I was at work. It is a really insane way to behave, isn't it? Why did I put up with it? Because I reasoned that one parent 'at home' was better than none. But it in fact wasn't, it was worse.
He lied and lied. No money came from him into the joint account. He denied this, even though the evidence is there for all to see.
Anyway, I have left him. I wish I had done it much earlier.
What makes them do this??!!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I can't understand what would compel someone to lie about something like this! Does he think I'm not going to find out when it comes time for him to pay his share of bills and rent and he has no money? How can he go back to work after all that time off and not hang his head? I called in sick on Thursday to run that errand for him. I had a cold so it probably wasn't a surprise for my coworkers, but I felt bad about lying because I could have gone to work. I took Friday off too, but I had told them I was either going to take the day off or work a half day. And the only reason I took THAT day off was because I wasn't going to have a vehicle because DH was taking the truck to the track right after work and I was left with manual transmission car that I can't drive but he insisted we buy it! I am already obsessing about what my manager and coworkers are thinking about me taking 2 days off with half truths as to the reason why! I've used up most of my time off for the entire year already because DH made me so mad lying to me about being at work that I was too upset to go into work or because I had to take off to run an errand for him that he should have done.
Taking and recieving
Submitted by jennalemon on
We must stop trying to be so loving and giving and start letting others love and give to us. Giving others the pleasure and pride to be the giver making ourselves valuable by not being so gosh darn available, pliable, needy and miserable. Find other places where we can give others the satisfaction of caring about us and loving us...... THAT is a relationship with a 2-way street - balanced. We must be the beloved half the time for it to be a good relationship. WE MUST STOP GIVING SO MUCH!!!! START TAKING what is yours to have.....peace and love. I am saying this to myself as much as any of you out there. I am going to go outside right now and ask Dh to do a number of things for me. As many things as I think would be fair. Insist on standards for ourselves. It is disastrous for some of us to give and not receive for so long. It is not a game. It is a necessary fact that no one respects someone who is always available and always agreeable. Let him sit in the stew of his own inactivity. Get out and stay out unless he makes effort to come to you and then, it is your prerogative if you want him and want to believe his lies again.
Linsy
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Linsy,
I just read your post. Did you say you have been married 27 years? And now, in this resent post, you have left? You poor woman! I am SO sorry... When I read these posts I never know who to feel more sorry for - them or me? I can relate to nearly every one.
What are you doing now? How are you living? I guess you were making the money so do you have to pay him? Oh, how that would add insult to injury.
After all the lies my husband has told me - more that I JUST uncovered - he was going to leave ME last night! Thirty years of putting up with this ADHD marriage and kids that have it and I was ALWAYS blamed... And NOW he tells me 'it's not worth it'??? HELLO??? You, sir, got us into this mess and now that we're nearly 60, you have lost our retirement, NOW you want to walk??? NOW you want to set me free from this ADHD nightmare? He was actually claiming that HE was the injured party!
Anyway, how are you doing it???
Much longer...
Submitted by Linsy on
I am so sorry to hear this. I was married for 23 years when I pulled the plug. Over that summer he was breaking down completely, in a permanent rage, and violent towards me and our youngest child. It was too much so I ended it. Which of course means he can blame me for everything now because I had the temerity to say, enough is enough. I have been shot of him for 3 and a half years, while I rebuilt myself and my boys. Both of whom were diagnosed after he left, and both are now medicated with some very good results. I have always worked and was the major or sole breadwinner for most of the marriage (more fool me). When I let go for a little while, he was running a business, which was basically a vanity project that ran up huge debts. He told me a month after our youngest was born, and then collapsed and never really earned a living again, expecting me to pay the interest on the debts. Out I went to work, and all my money was swallowed up. We were always broke, while he spent freely from the joint account. I have no idea what he did all day, but it was not constructive and the fridge and petrol tank was always empty. Parking and other traffic tickets came through the door like confetti, and guess who had to pay? After he left he went straight to his elderly mother and started to live in the place he was living when I met him as if nothing had changed, dependent on his birth family money. Since then he has done literally nothing to get better, to support me or his children or anything else, while I have been supporting and stabilising the children and developing my career in new directions in order to pay the bills. It has been pretty positive actually as I am proud that I did it all without any help, as my own family is pretty flakey and his blamed me. So there we are, I am here in my home and my boys are reasonably OK. And I don't have to alter my behaviour to please anyone, or explain myself, or take endless petty criticism or any of the rest of the hell I lived through for so many years. I don't have to pay him anything as his family keeps him in comfort and security - something that is called enabling in other circles. After so long is was painful to cut those ties, and I do see my mother in law who is now bed ridden because I continue to love her dearly. I don't love him any more. If we try to have any kind of conversation he becomes enraged. The words that set him off include 'plans' 'learn' etc. He is really quite mad. All the children think I did the right thing, which is a great comfort. Thanks for your interest and the very best of luck to you too.
I got the blame for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I got the blame for everything, too, because I said "enough is enough." My husband had been withdrawing from family and marriage for years and seemed uninterested in solving problems. A few years ago, he decided to make his work be taking care of his parents, so he was gone every week for four days. Our marriage did not magically get better, although I tried hard. Last year, I filed for a separation. At the end of the summer, I asked my husband to move out of the house, given that things hadn't gotten better, he hadn't made any effort to work on problems, I had filed for a separation, he was spending most of his time living with his parents, yada, yada, yada. Now I am the person who "kicked him out." I accept that phrasing now but occasionally point out what came before.
Exactly the same...
Submitted by Linsy on
Withdrawing from responsibility over a period of years, starting when last child was born. Announcement of complete financial collapse within a month of that birth, and a bright expectant look that I would once again 'rescue' us from the mess of his catastrophic judgement. Always hanging around his parents, doing odd jobs for them. But not 'looking after' them. Not capable even of looking after a hamster safely (left cage door open). He lives off them but does nothing in the caring line at all. I am the person who kicked him out too, and therefore tottered for a while under a crushing weight of 'blame' but try to stand tall. Tough, isn't it? However there would be no joy without sorrow.
Exactly the same...
Submitted by Linsy on
Withdrawing from responsibility over a period of years, starting when last child was born. Announcement of complete financial collapse within a month of that birth, and a bright expectant look that I would once again 'rescue' us from the mess of his catastrophic judgement. Always hanging around his parents, doing odd jobs for them. But not 'looking after' them. Not capable even of looking after a hamster safely (left cage door open). He lives off them but does nothing in the caring line at all. I am the person who kicked him out too, and therefore tottered for a while under a crushing weight of 'blame' but try to stand tall. Tough, isn't it? However there would be no joy without sorrow.
Much Longer...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Linsy,
Thank you for taking time to update your story. It sounds like you are back on the track to healing and getting better at life. With your boys having ADHD as well I'm afraid, even with meds, that you might be in for some more frustration as they age and you watch them marry.
I don't believe people who have not lived it even believe it. Then they come to a site like this, where people who don't even know each other yet all say the same kinds of things. I wish I had known earlier. I think I would have been able to work with the ADHD much better without taking it so personally. Sigh, but I didn't and I did and here I am...
You have probably given other readers more insight on what options they have. Maybe they'll come a time when I can post something more encouraging to all those who have yet to face it...
Good luck...
I THINK DH finally went back
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I THINK DH finally went back to work today! In the past 3 weeks (15 work days) he went to work 3 days and took off 12 days. He actually left the house making me think he was going to work on 2 of those days but I know he was just making me think that and waiting for me to leave for work before coming home due to all I was able to ascertain from the phone record call into attendance and seeing him as being online on Facebook quite a bit all day. He left about 10 minutes earlier than he needed to and took his large coffee thermos with him. If he didn't plan on going in he wouldn't leave that early or fill his thermos.
I just CANNOT understand how he can show his face at work after this long absence! I mean he already is "approved" via FMLA to take off 4 days a month which is already too much (which by the way he always uses up!) but how do you explain to people why you were out?! It must be so exhausting lying to me about work and then lying to his employer and then having to go visit the doctor for fake symptoms so that he writes you a note to cover your time off....and then how can you not be worrying that you won't get fired the next time you do show up at work? I told him on Friday that I am so so tired of this from him and he finally tells me that he is seeing a counselor today to talk to them about how to get by at work. I tell him to just please be honest with me about whether he is going into work or not because I can see through every single one of his excuses. I told him that he has more excuses than a teenager as to why he can't go into work. You know what he tells me? He says that that's his comfort zone! Really? Lying to me about stupid stuff is your comfort zone??!! Well that makes me feel really good about our relationship!
This whole thing is taking a toll on me and my job as well. I work at a computer all day so it is easy for me to check up on him. I am constantly checking our phone and text records, checking Facebook to see if he's on or not, checking his email and just generally wondering if he really is at work. It is very hard for me to concentrate on doing my job because 10 minutes into it I feel the need to check records again.Then if I do find a phone number, like him calling attendance, I can't concentrate on anything the rest of the day because I know once again he lied to me. Even if I don't find anything bad I still worry that he's going to be in a bad mood when I get home because he HAD to go to work and deal with "idiots" all day and will probably rub it in my face that he FINALLY went into work and to lay off him.
I still want to check our phone records this morning to see if he called attendance, but I'm not going to do it until I get to work. If I look and I see he did call in I am just not going to want to go in myself because I'll be so angry. Of course if I get to work and see he called I'm not going to be able to concentrate on anything.
Have you considered some kind
Submitted by copingSAH on
Have you considered some kind of family intervention by his parents, your parents, siblings, whoever might be able to understand and see what's already happening? I feel for you ... while my dh goes to work, in fact he is a workaholic to the extent work comes before our feelings many times. And there's a lot of harsh projecting and gaslighting going on due to him not understanding once something has triggered a negative response, he doesn't know how to step back and think about it, he puts things into motion that creates havoc more or less.
I understand what you are going through; the reason why you keep checking up on him is because he's put you in that position -- he's not telling you the truth, therefore over long periods of times where he's skipped work while telling you he's going -- you feel like you are being deceived and like you must be losing your mind. You're told one "truth", then find out another "untruth". Then you feel the compulsion to check FB, phone logs to prove to yourself it's not you, but it's his actions that don't match his words or text... dunno if your dh has problems with staying to a routine, immature or whether something about his condition causes him to "turn the switch off" so to speak.
Been going through a frustrating weird dance of semantics with my ADD dh today. He says I never speak up, or he'll demand I choose between two choices. As soon as I say Plan A, he scraps it and says we're going with Plan B. Why even ask me in such a booming demanding voice, and then knock me down? I feel very depressed, more depressed than angry. Part of me feels very beaten down already and I'm not only letting myself down but also my children.
Gosh, I hope you do not get to my point of feeling disheartened and depressed on those bad days. If you can, try to keep from following up on him. But I would certainly speak to family members you trust and see if someone can speak to him casually. Even putting a seed into his head that he has the potential to bring so much income might be all he needs to hear, just from someone else other than the spouse (like how it is for most of us).
The thing is I am DYING to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
The thing is I am DYING to tell my Mom and my close friends about his behavior but all I do is talk him up because I don't want to tell them all the bad lies he tells and the crap he pulls. Everyone would HATE him. That is why I remain anonymous on different forums, just to vent. And I vent and vent and vent. It's to the point now where I am about to explode!! I am keeping all this bottled up inside because I am afraid to confront him about all the lies.
I hear you. ((hugs))... I
Submitted by copingSAH on
I hear you. ((hugs))... I have only told my mother and she understands me because she is married to someone who has an untreated personality disorder which is frightening in itself. I try not to vent too much to her because she has her own kind of hell and this forum is my salvation as well, where I can be anonymous. At one point it had gotten so bad, my mother got on the phone with my dh and asked him to treat me a little better because we need to work together to create a harmonious home. He backed down considerably. I think because it didn't come straight from me (to him, it's just my nagging), it came from someone he liked and respected somewhat and he actually seemed contrite (evidently ashamed). I think it helped to put the scales back to an equal balance, whereas it was so tipped for so long.
On the other hand, I also understand you about not opening up to friends. Most of the time I have a bad feeling it will backfire, and I'll be the bad guy. I once brought it up to his sister, who told me I shouldn't do "this, this nor that" when I brought up the frustrations of a spectrum household (we have a child who is moderately autistic - very trying when dh and child are both having their "meltdowns" with no obvious rationale). And so many people only lived with dh through his teens, I am the only one who has lived with him for the last 20 of his adult years and they truly have no idea how much worse he gets when "no one is looking". It's not like a best friend or coworker who can just take their leave and catch up next time. It's 24/7.
So I feel very alone, sometimes I want to scream it to anyone who will listen. But, vent away here, just know that so many more people who are struggling are being validated they are not going crazy when they can relate to what you are saying.
My mother
Submitted by Linsy on
She died 20 years ago. She was the only person who my husband listened to and she would tell him what she thought about him not working! When she died I was left exposed to all his madness, and also that of his family, as I had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. When I tried to confide in my much older sister, she behaved as if I had not said anything. Impenetrable, like a doll. Horrible.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!! I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!! I didn't check phone records until I got to work because I didn't want to be upset. I thought for sure this time he was going to work. 15 minutes after he left I see he called the attendance line! I am FURIOUS! I don't know what to do at this point. I NEED to confront him and tell him I know what is going on. If I do he will immediately turn it on me that I am checking up on him. Then he will go on about how he hates his job and turn it into a pity party for him. I'm being lied to again and again and I am at my breaking point!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I go to my Credit Karma report today to take a look at it. I see there's a new Chase Credit Card with a $430 balance on it. I go to DH's Credit Karma account that I set up without his knowledge so I could monitor his credit. Guess who must have signed up for ANOTHER credit card??! He has one that has a $750 limit and he owes $400 on that and now this one with a $1000 limit with $430 owed. So is this his plan? He's not going to go to work but he's going to open up multiple credit cards and pay for everything that way so it makes me think he is getting a check?! He is digging himself a HUGE hole. He owes $800 on both of them but his last paycheck was only $101 after all was taken out and at the rate he's going now, if he doesn't go to work the next three days his next check will be $0!
I am beyond flabbergasted at his actions.
At a precipice
Submitted by jennalemon on
What do you do when you know a situation is intolerable, you see the disaster coming, and you are paralyzed to move? You know there is a big crash on its way and must decide to make the crash happen by your actions or let the crash happen by your inaction? This scenario is playing out at our house too. Dh is taking money out of his very tiny IRA to live on now with no eye on the future, living by the seat of his pants. I don't know how to break away or change things either. I am sick from stress and inaction for so long. I am ashamed I am putting up with it. I am so sorry you are also going through this too. It is scary to be tied to someone who is spiraling out of reality and control. I don't know how to take the next step. I don't know what the step is. I feel like Thelma and Louise. We are damned if we just let things happen, but the idea of driving us over the canyon into divorce/poverty/being alone is beyond my courage and strength these days.
Maybe, just maybe he went
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Maybe, just maybe he went into work today. I don't know. He left at 4:10 and I checked the phone records at 6AM and there was no call to attendance. I then made a call to an 800 number at 6:15 just so I could see how long it took before that call showed up online because sometimes it takes a while and I didn't want to have false hope again that he went into work when it was just a matter of time before the call showed up. I left home at 6:30 and it still hadn't showed up. I got to work at 7:30 and checked again and my call shows up but it still shows no call by him. If he would have called it would have been before 5AM and it would have showed up by then.
If he is at work and continues to work the rest of the week, he will have 3 days of pay on his check. He makes almost $25/hr. Without taking out any taxes that amounts to about $600. However, each check takes out $130 for a loan he has through work and $270 for child support. There's $400 gone. Add in union dues at $69 plus social security, medicare and withholding that’s another $100. So that leaves him with MAYBE $40! If he doesn’t go in today then he is screwed. He won’t have enough to cover his loan or his child support. Then he gets behind in child support. Add that to the $800 he has on his credit card he will just be in fine shape!
Every time I stress about it he always says "Oh I would never do anything to jeopardize my job"WHAT??!!! You are doing nothing BUT jeopardizing your job! He told me last week that he was considering a leave of absence for a couple of months and go work for this one guy who has a motorcycle shop. If he does that he will never go back to his current job, although he will assure me he will. He makes $25 an hour now and is scheduled to max out at $36/hr next month. He has a 20 minute one way commute. He has it great. However with his off-the-wall decision he'll probably take that leave of absence, travel an hour each way to work for this guy and start out at $15/hr. Oh but he'll tell me that commute won't be that bad and if he can get in the shop he'll move up quickly to a higher pay. Same great move as buying that stick shift car! He can't pay for his share of anything now making $25/hr so how the hell would he think he'd be able to help out at $15/hr?! Then I guarantee 2 months into that he'll start hating the boss or hating a coworker or hating the commute. GUARANTEE!!
Oh yeah and then I come home
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Oh yeah and then I come home yesterday and I see the bed is not as I left it. I didn't say anything. He goes to me "Yeah I took a quick 15 minute nap when I got home. Well it was more like a 10 minute sit up in bed and read and the cats came and snuggled with me. Cause I don't want to mess up my sleep schedule". I just go "Uh huh". No you REALLY came home right after I left for work and then took a 2 hour nap. Does he think I'm stupid? Because right after that he says "Well I left for an appt I thought I had at 3 but it really wasn't until 4 so I grabbed some teriyaki which is why that is in the fridge." So if you did indeed work, you wouldn't have gotten home until 2 and the tub was wet so I knew you took a shower beforehand and you would have had to leave by 2:40 at the latest to get to this appt. so in the shower by 2:30 at the latest. There is no way you would have come home and immediately climbed in bed for 10 minutes to read. The sheets obviously looked like they had been slept in.
He just has been giving me lies on top of lies on top of lies in the past 6 weeks. It's out of control. I know he's lying because he gives me way too much detail about something that doesn't need any explaining. Plus, if he had gone to work all these times he would be telling me all about the reactions of the coworkers and manager to him being back. He hasn't said one word about anything that has happened at work. If I go home tonight and he talks about it then I know he went to work.
YIKES 2
Submitted by jennalemon on
I know how you feel. It doesn't matter day to day what they do or don't do anymore. We cannot hope for the best and check up on them hourly, daily. It doesn't change the whole picture. It is hard to accept how bad the situation is (which is what I am trying to do by constantly writing and re-reading here). They are who they are and they are dishonest to us and putting us in jeopardy so that they don't have to cope with anything. I will find myself starting to check up on him yet again and I stop and turn around telling myself...this does not matter if I find out he worked today or not so stop checking up. And he won't talk to me other than, "I'm working on it." and "I have it under control." Responses that keep me shut out and him denying any problem.
Feeling that the roof is about to cave in, keeps a person in a constant state of stress and makes me sick. Also, feeling rejected daily is bad for a person's well-being.
Oh yeah, Way too much detail and derailment to an answer to a simple question....lies. I get this too. I figure that dh lies at least half the time so I don't believe a single word he says anymore.
I know how you feel. If we
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I know how you feel. If we ask them to please fix the problem we just get told that they need time to deal with it. And if I tell him that I can't focus at work because I'm too stressed about him he will turn that right around and go "Well you can't even imagine how stressed out about it I am! I can't even sleep at night." It's all about him. He even said to me on Friday "Thank you for not nagging me about the situation." What good does it do anyways? I nag, you lie and tell me you are going in, you don't go in, I don't nag, you lie and tell me you went in to work. It's a constant circle.
I get 3 different reasons
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I get 3 different reasons about something before I get the real reason to why he's doing or not doing something. Whatever reason fits his mood at the time. One night he stayed up all night for absolutely no reason and still went to work at 5AM. However the week previous he only got 3 hours of sleep and he practically jumped down my throat as to how could I possibly think that he could go to work on such little sleep! Then one morning he said he was going to be 10 minutes late to work so he had to take the day off because being late is like docking you with a warning (really, they would rather have you call in sick than be 10 minutes late?!), but the following week being 30 minutes late wasn't a big deal at all and he took his sweet time getting ready!
I think a common thread here
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think a common thread here is the detachment from reality. Our financial situation is OK these days but my husband, who has a reasonable state pension and several IRAs he could start tapping, squawks, "I don't have any money! I don't have any money!" He says other things that just aren't true. This is distressing because it seems like a full-blown delusional mental illness. It's hard to deal with all the time.
I can't get myself to stop
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I can't get myself to stop checking the phone records! I've checked 4 times in the past 1 1/2 hours just to make sure he hasn't called in sick. I keep expecting it to show up, but it hasn't. I don't know what to do to stop this cycle of checking up on everything. There have also been days where he doesn't call in sick so I am unsure how he gets away with that. Now I keep checking Facebook since it shows if he's on and how long it's been since he was last on. I know his break schedule at work so I am hoping it keeps with that, however he does check it on his phone quite a bit so he can do that anytime. But if I see it listed as him being on the web and not mobile other than his breaks then I will know he is home.
So far so good. He had his
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
So far so good. He had his lunch break from 10-10:30 and he was on the web for Facebook within that time and got off (just like he always does on his breaks). Still no call showing up on the call log. I just about lost it though when his email showed a Microsoft purchase of a movie this morning at 8:45. Usually those show up right when you order them but then I saw the date he ordered it was last Friday!
He went and saw a therapist yesterday to help him figure out why he can't go to work. I ask him how it went and he said "She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Her advice is just to ignore them and do my job". Well I could have told you that! If you didn't have such anger issues and flew off the handle everytime you get upset then it would probably be ok. He said everyone looks at him sideways when he's upset or if he's throwing his tools around. Well ya! You are in a work environment and you can't be getting angry over everything.
Stop this!
Submitted by jennalemon on
You have to let it go or go nuts yourself. I know how hard it is to not know what is going on with someone unreliable. I know you are looking for proofs of some kind so that you know you are not going crazy or being unreasonable. But you know that already....you are not crazy. You are not unreasonable. You know he is like he is. Stop torturing yourself.
See yourself!
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree, your behavior isn't healthy, it isn't helping him, you are only hurting yourself...Blessings
I agree with other posters.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with other posters. I think it's time to step back, say, "I know that what my spouse is doing isn't good and isn't right," and decide whether you can live with him or not if he continues the behavior (which it seems likely he'll do).
Rosered, I don't even know
Submitted by copingSAH on
Rosered, I don't even know how to begin to explain to others what this is like. It truly is like a delusion. A lot worse at the end of the work day, when he's coming down from the medication. We have enough to be reasonably comfortable but I see him seething whenever he is balancing a checkbook. He insists on paying bills end of day and writing 4 checks could take up to 45 minutes, and he won't allow me to handle any of it.
I used to call his money compulsions a "money phobia". He has problems with trusting anyone, he's fine handling/spending his own money, but it is crazy (unseen by everyone else) how he dictates everyone in the immediate family gets to handle it. When we're out together, I know not to pay for anything. I have made the mistake one too many times of taking out my debit card out of habit at the register in front of him when at the supermarket, and he will be seething the entire way to the parking lot before he goes completely ballistic on me with the craziest of ramblings. I have made no mistake whatsoever, I used to be an independent woman and made a good living on my own and afforded everything on my own.
Now I let cashiers give me the sideways glance when my dh happens to be out with me and demands to pay directly for the - ahem items - underwear, feminine products... and follow him out of the store. I allow this uber-compulsive behavior because I'd rather avoid seeing that every fiber of his being looks like he wants to run me over with the car in the parking lot.
The ultimate illogic -- we're drawing from THE SAME account...
Just as I predicted! Yes DH
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Just as I predicted! Yes DH did go to work yesterday because he was going on about how he is back at making money and he can't take anymore days off. Hah! Wanna bet? He is going racing this weekend and probably won't be back until 9PM on Sunday night. He has to get up for work at 4AM and I'm sure he's not going to relax enough to go to bed before midnight on Sunday. He said he might just go in late on Monday then. Riiight...just like all those other days you were going to go in late!
So here's my next talking point. He races motorcycles. Has one in the garage that he really hasn't worked on since race season ended last September. He started tinkering with it to get it ready about a month ago. Bike wouldn't start. He put a new battery in it and it was fine but then it wasn't. I have no clue about anything about his motorcycle. He tells me he think he did more damage because he accidently erased the ECU which is some computer thing and that's why it won't start. He called the dealership last Saturday and asked if they could reprogram it for him. They said they could and he said he would stop by on Friday afternoon on his way down to the track. Well then he got to thinking that traffic is going to be bad on Friday afternoon and he would rather get it done on Thursday so he doesn't have to worry about it. However since I can't drive the stick shift and take that to work I said he'd have to drop me off at the train station on his way in and I'd just have to wait for the train. He said I'd have to drop you off at 4:30 and you'd have to sit outside for 1 1/2 hrs waiting for the train. I said I didn't mind but he didn't want to do it. I then said that there's a 24 hr Starbucks like 5 blocks from the station...drop me off there and I'll wait. he said that's too long to sit and wait. Then I said I could just walk to the bus stop from the house in the morning and take a bus to the train. I said it would be about a 45 minute walk but I didn't mind. He didn't want me to do that either. I don't mind so why do you??!! Then he goes "Why don't you just learn to drive the stick? I could teach you by having you drive it up and down the street here. It's not hard." So you are going to spend 20 minutes giving me a lesson and then I am expected to make a 50 mile round trip to and from work on my own with it? I don't think so! Then he says he can just hook up the trailer to the truck and then I can drive the whole thing to work and then stop by the shop on the way home and have the guys take the bike out and run whatever they need to run and have them load it back up for me. So many things wrong with THAT statement! 1) I can barely maneuver the truck in small spaces and am very leery about driving when the trailer is hooked up. I certainly can't back up with the trailer so if I get into a spot where I have to do that I'm screwed. 2) I have to go twice as far as you so how does it make any sense that I should be the one to haul it to work and find a place to park it? 3) You get off work at 1:30 and the shop is 10 minutes from you. I get off work at 4 and the shop is a detour for me on the way home. Then I have to sit until at least 5 and wait for them to load it back up and then battle rush hour traffic probably not getting me home until after 6PM. 4) I don't have a clue what I'm talking about when I ask them to do what they are going ot do. He says it's simple just tell them such and such and they can do the rest. It's NEVER as simple as that. There will be questions which I will have no answer for. 5) It's YOUR bike and you know exactly what you want done with it. You take it to the shop rather than sending me to do your errand because you want to get home.
So now it is at the point where I said I'll just take Thursday off. I don't want to, but since he isn't willing to drop me off anywhere I guess I'll have to. However now since I am taking the day off he says I can just take the trailer up to the shop. Just like when I worked form home he would ask me to run all these guy errands for him where I didn't have a clue what I was asking for. I HATE that! No doubt I will screw something up or crash the trailer into something.
The sweet deal of all this is is that I will have the house all to myself from 4AM Friday morning until 9PM Sunday night! I can do whatever I want when ever I want. Watch whatever I want and not hear "Why are you watching THAT?" Clean as much as I want and not hear "Ugh it smells like chemicals." Cook whatever I want even if I have no idea what I'm doing and not worry about him coming out and telling me I messing it up or I'm burning it. I am REALLY looking forward to it!
why stay with this guy?
Submitted by cali lib on
Doesn't sound like you have kids with him, so what's keeping In this farce of a relationship? Love? Love Does Not pay the bills. Sex? The easiest thing any girl can do is get laid. Companionship? Get a cat or a puppy.
The Million Dollar Question
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"Why stay with this guy."
Wish I had a straight forward simple answer.
Many of the familiar names of posters in this thread.
We are stuck.
Can't let go of the dream. Can't give up 25+ years of determined persistance.
Can't bear to say, "I am a fool."
Million Dollar Question
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Exausted,
I understand... 25 years is likely nearly half your lifetime. You have a vested interest in your relationship. For baby boomers divorcing the cost for two separate lives and retirement is prohibitive and daunting. With a chaotic financial situation in the mix makes the sketch of what your new life would be is as depressing as staying and hoping it can be better.
As for sex? It is not my style to get into bed without being married first. Chastity, to me, is still as important as the day we started this journey together. Until God changes His mind on that issue I am good with that.
I wish I had more answers. Unfortunately all I have to offer are prayers and empathy... You will meet God one day. Every prayer you have ever spoken will be there between you. We will be surprised at just how well we know Him. Only then will we truly understand what trials were necessary. I know this: No experience we have on earth is waisted. Everything we go through, good and bad, will be consecrated for our own good. God Himself has promised us that and He, does NOT have ADHD... :)
yep, that sums it up
Submitted by dedelight4 on
resigned2B, that totally sums it up. I've lived this too. blessings and love to you.
Missed you?
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Thank you Dedelight4. I haven't seen you lately? Hope all is well!
Resigned2B hello
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Resigned2B, hello, how are you doing? I'm pretty okay, except for all the usual stuff. :) I broke a tooth last week and had to have mouth surgery. The root of the tooth was up against my sinus cavity and actually had a hook at the end of it. The doctor had to cut and dig it out in pieces......ouch. The whole right side of my face was in horrible pain, and my eye, sinuses, jaw and ear were throbbing and swollen. Could NOT believe the amount of pain that caused. It's a little better now, thank God.
I hope you are doing well. I read your posts all the time. If you would like to e-mail me, <please use the user's contact form at the user's account page (edit by admin)>
Ouch!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I hope you feel better soon!