Hello! I have never in my life posted to an open forum like this, but I am desperate for advice so I'm really hoping this helps!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have been living together for about a year. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child and is 33 years old now. He has been on and off meds his whole life. We have our fair share of issues: lying, impulsivity, lack of effort, little help around the house, etc. One BIG issue is that we do not have sex; very little sexual contact at all. We kiss each other, but that is really about it. He has never had a relationship other than ours, so he has never been sexual with another person. Months into our relationship this became an issue. I thought something was wrong with me, or he wasn't attracted to me. He has told me time and time again that he is attracted me and that this is his problem - not mine. But it's so hard for me not to take offense and be hurt about getting rejected over and over again. Basically what happens is if I initiate any kind of sexual contact, even just kissing him, he tries to avoid it. He will move his face away from mine, tell me he's tired, he's not in the mood, maybe later...etc. We have no sex life whatsoever. He says he wants to have sex and he wants children someday, yet he puts NO effort into having a sexual relationship with me. He says he gets anxiety when it comes to me touching him or us having sex. He hasn't had anyone touch him in that way before, so it's strange to him and he has a lot of trouble getting pleasure from someone else. Just to clarify - he is able to become aroused if he is doing it himself, but as soon as I become involved, he gets anxiety and it's over. We have gone to therapists, tried medication, went to the doctor, and nothing has helped. I am at my wits end. I love him so much, but I need to be intimate with the person I love and I want a family. I am turning 30 in less than 2 months, I feel like this is never going to happen. Help!!! Has anyone had this kind of experience? Is there any way for him to get through the feelings of anxiety and have a pleasurable experience? Like I said, we have been working on this for over a year. Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated!
I've noticed this post hasn't
Submitted by c ur self on
I've noticed this post hasn't had a comment...I read it, and passed up commenting also....But I will tell you what little I know about your bf...There are several things that could be wrong...spiritual convictions, molestation as a minor, prolonged pornography viewing, Sexual preference (Gay) and lack of attraction...But, I am responding to you mostly to say this...God created you be loved and cherished...This thing you seek is called sexual immorality (fornication)...God love you with full force of his love. He has so much more for you...Blessings on you!
RE: I've noticed this post hasn't...
Submitted by simonda on
Thank you for your response. We have been to several professionals and have discussed molestation, sexual preference, and attraction. He swears he is not gay, said he has never been molested and said he is very attracted to me. Of course, he could be lying or repressing these feelings...but I do believe him. I know that spiritually/religiously people should not have sex before marriage. I do plan on marrying this man, but sexuality is a human need and sex is for creating new life. If he refuses to have sex, we will never have that special bond a husband and wife have and we won't have children, not the natural way anyway.
I hope the best for you...
Submitted by c ur self on
You are right, God created us to enjoy sexual relations just as much as eating:) I love it! My wife thinks to much:) Did you realize it's a sin to have sex before marriage, and wrong not to after marriage, unless by mutual consent? You can read about it in 1st Corinthians Chapter 7, verses 1-5...if you haven't...Anyway, I just wanted to share with you....blessings!
Sexual Issues with Spouse
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Religious opinions aside, you are right to work through this issue before you commit to marriage. Sexual union is an important part of communicating how you care about someone. Conversely, an inability to have sex with your partner may leave that partner feeling unloved, even if you are both aware of a reason that the sex is problematic. Make sure that you have worked through this issue to your full satisfaction (no pun intended) before you tie the knot. It seems as if anxiety is playing a role in his ability to sustain an erection, though in theory that should not prevent you from having a satisfying sex life of some sort.
Here are some things to explore, if you have not already done so:
Hope this helps a little, though I imagine you've thought of many of these already.
Thank you!!
Submitted by simonda on
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. We have done several of the things you suggested, but I will definitely try a few of your ideas - such as calming music. I did just purchase your book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and am halfway through it. It has been very informative and helpful so far. I am wondering if it is not only anxiety, but a sensory issue as well...and him worrying how I will react if things "don't work" so to speak. I will talk with him more and ask him about his feelings as you suggested. Thank you again!
same thing here simonda
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Simonda, my ADHD husband behaves in the same way. He has always been sexually distant. He always felt awkward during sex, NEVER initiated it himself, and the rare occasions we did have it, it was over in less than a minute. Plus, he didn't put much effort into helping me have an orgasm after he was "finished". He also didn't like being tickled, or having a back rub, or being touched in most ways that the rest of us enjoy "touch". It was more irritating to him than pleasurable, which makes lovemaking a difficult task. It seemed to me like he approached it as a "chore" instead of something beautiful and desireable for us both.
My husband was also sterile, but didn't want to face that fact either. He made me go get tested first to see why we were not able to get pregnant. (I had two children by my first marriage, so I knew it wasn't me) But, I went and got tested anyway, and I turned out fully functioning. Hubby also adopted both the girls when they were very young, so he is the only "Daddy" they know, but he couldn't relate to them very well. Even though he WANTED to adopt them, he never called them HIS GIRLS, he always told people, "I'm raising someone else's kids, and not every man would do that". Every time he said that, it broke my heart, because he wouldn't accept them or TALK about them as his own. (he has severe ADHD and it was worse years ago when he wasn't on medication) The past several years we haven't had sex at all, and it's horrible just being roomates instead of lovers, but that's what it is, and it's HIS choice, not mine.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but my husband won't face his ADHD and it makes it harder for US as a couple. I wish you both better success. I know you will find some friends here on this site. Melissa's book is wonderful and the advice here is awesome. I wish you well.
@dedelight4
Submitted by simonda on
I am sorry to hear about how hard it has been for you and your husband. Your story makes my fears seem more real. I am so worried that if we did decide to get married that things would just get worse. We don't have sex at all. We've used Viagra and that was the closest we came to having sex from beginning to end (climax). It didn't last long because even on Viagra, he lost his erection. I don't get it...I think it is a sensory issue because it feels "weird" to him and even if I'm just touching him with my hand, it's not HIM doing it, so it gives him anxiety. I am hoping we can figure something out because I don't think I could live like this forever...
I wish you the best, and thank you for telling me your story.
we did the same
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Simonda, my husband also took Viagra, because his erections weren't full and he couldn't "last" long during intercourse. It helped some, but it gave him a bad stuffy nose and horrible headaches, so he stopped taking it. Maybe it's only MY husband, but when I tried to lovingly suggest things to help, it was met with embarrassment and hostility. He didn't want to hear it. Your guy may be different, and I hope he is, but I can say that ADHD is a challenge, and the ones who work with professionals, take their meds, and work with their spouses seem to do much better.
It's very possible that the whole "sensory" thing is the issue that keeps the guys from fully enjoying their partners. My husband also told me that it was HIS problem, not mine, but that didn't make me feel any better. Most of the time, he wouldn't discuss it, and I was left to "guess" what wrong, which made me feel horrible about myself. I felt I wasn't "woman enough" to excite him or keep him sexually engaged. I know different now, but all the years that I didn't know about ADHD took a severe toll on my self esteem.
In our case, my husband won't discuss his ADHD, so we don't get very far in progressing together. Last night, he did talk to me though about things that needs to be done around the house. I very carefully tried to interject the ADHD into the conversation because he doesn't see how it impacts the rest of us in the house. He didn't see it again. He only said, "I know I did things in the past when I didn't know about the ADHD, but I've changed those things now, and I don't do that anymore. Regardless of what I said, he wouldn't listen. He believes he has a handle on it, and it's over now.....done with....period. So, now I have to do things differently myself, and I'm trying to figure out what to do.
@dedelight4
Submitted by simonda on
It sounds like a struggle...my boyfriend hates talking about what he calls "emotional stuff" too. Which means when I bring up sex, ADHD, or any relationship issues - he tries to avoid it. But when is does talk, he is a great listener and is open to suggestions and outside help (counseling). My mom just asked me the other day if I can handle this for the rest of my life...things are a struggle. Sex aside, I feel like I have to be on him all the time to get things done. Now that he is on his meds things are much better and I feel I can trust him a little bit...but when/if children are involved? I don't know...this is all so stressful! I'm glad you are doing things differently for yourself. That's my problem, always focusing on him and forgetting about me. I hope you take care of you!!
my heart is breaking for you...
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Simonda....I could have written your post word for word almost. I DID marry my partner - even after being in the same spot as you (my whole story is posted, just click my name and read my first posts if you want to know), and now I regret it. Honestly - right now I wish I had run away as soon as I realized things where not right. In other words, the very first time I drove hours to another state to see him and he wouldnt even SIT next to me. He has never, ever been interested in me at all. The last time he kissed me (just KISSED me on his own accord) was in December of 2012, and that was when he was stone drunk. Now he refused to even drink with or around me - even though he will with others.
I have given ultimatums, we have gone through counseling, ADHD coaching, meds - you name it. He knows exactly what I want in a spouse, and he says he wants to be that - however the only effort he makes to become that spouse is to "think" about his issues. Thats his idea of working on them. And actually - he doesnt even do that much. He just tells me he "needs to think more" about what to do etc. Even after 5 years of me telling him what I need, what I want. I have bent over backwards for him, forgiven him with out fail every time he has betrayed me, supported him and even had him go into retirement so he could follow his dreams. Only for him to tell me he has to think about how to be a husband to me after 5 years? He has to "find time to think about how to handle his issues"??? I told him he had until October to convince me not to file for divorce. I guess he is still "thinking" about what to do (even though I laid it out for him clearly). At this point - I think its more than ADHD, I think he is just with me for the easy life it provides, and that he is gonna milk it for all he can until October. I am gonna "work" on keeping my word and waiting until then to file if I can keep this up... its harder every day to get past the lack of effort - its an insult at this point.
Like you - I loved him more than life itself. Would have done ANYTHING for him. Now I cant even look at him with out feeling disgusted, exhausted, used and insulted. Seriously. If I could talk to myself back in October 2009, I would tell myself to stop, run away. I would rather nurse a broken heart that wasnt tied into everything else in my life (like house, finances, pets, *thinkgs* etc). I am sorry to be like this - I scour this forum for any sign of hope and I havent found any yet. Lots of people who have to essentially be doormats to these people to find peace. I just cant do that anymore. I feel like a husk of a person - I feel like I am in prison. I have all the obligation and "bad" things about marriage with NONE of the good. Other than another human body being at the house at night - even though its in another room - is about the only benefit I feel I have right now.
Run. Find a way to let go before you hate yourself and him. Take that for what you will - but that is exactly what I would tell myself if I could go back in time.
I am sorry. :(
Have you ever seen The Wedding Singer? If so - then you will get this. I feel like I married Glen - but with out the money and nice house even.
I wish you the very best and I hope that things work out differently for you than me. I really do. I would not wish this feeling on anyone.