We have been talking about stuff and it seems to me that he wants me to stop being hurt and angry and be all nice to him, watch my tone, tippytoe around him etc. but he has not tried changing anything for me. He's still ignoring me when I talk to him, still emotionally shutting me out, still accusing me and flipping out at the slightest thing. I don't know why the burden of change is squarely on my shoulders as if my changing will suddenly make him change. He refuses to read any ADHD books because he says he wants to "go to the experts" which I guess are high priced psychologists/psychiatrists. He doesn't trust anyone and finds zero value in reading other people's experiences. He just sees us all as "whining" about our lives without doing anything about the problems, or complaining about the ADHD person. He does not see how he can learn anything or discover coping strategies or heck, even maybe get some insight into why I'm acting the way I am. Why I feel so hurt and ignored and stomped on. He does not seem to care at all. He says he does but there is no effort made to actually do anything. he says he's waiting to see a doctor and get medication and I "can't expect" anything from him until he gets on meds. So it feels like he's now using ADHD as an excuse to continue this way and attack me when I react to things he's doing. He does not see himself as the CATALYST for most of the problems. I am reacting to HIM, and he sees it as me being the problem! He sees it as he is reacting to me being there, making him actually do things when he wants to sit and read and play games. My entire existence has become a scapegoat for his inability. How many times has he said he can't do something because of me? I can't count anymore. He didn't get this done because of me, he couldn't do that because of me, his life was fine before I came along and so on. He was never late on a bill til I showed up (because his dad paid them all for him?) and so on.
I'm this whipping girl and I'm tired of trying to PLACATE him all the time. I was even very civil to him this morning and again he lashed out at me. He is so sensitive it's like you can't look at him without him saying you're "going after him." He also doesn't even recognize that he's tweaking out over little things. He doesn't see his facial expressions and body language or hear his own voice. He's always agitated, angry, frustrated, ready to lash out. But it's MY fault or anyone around him.
Is it not supposed to be expected to control himself and his emotions at all with this disease? What's the ADHD and what is just him being a jerk?
Why am I the only one who "controls" him and who has to change to see him change? Why am I to blame for everything?
I feel your pain. They have
Submitted by MFrances on
I feel your pain. They have no insight into their actions, that is the biggest problem. I used to want to video my spouse so he can see what he looks like when he is yelling and can hear himself. I will say the anger has gotten a little better since on medication and in therapy. When your spouse says he is waiting to see a doctor, does that mean he has an appointment or is on a waiting list? Hopefully so. It can take some time to find a good doctor and/or therapist. There is a thread somewhere on the anger forum about being a jerk or ADHD. It's hard to separate personality from the disease.
Emotions and ADHD
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Thomas Brown wrote a great book called Smart but Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD. It just came out in March. I very much relate to difficulties with emotional self-control. In my case, going gluten-free for the past year and a half has helped a ton, as have copious amounts of Vitamin D and fish oil (high quality, but expensive fish oil; the cheap stuff doesn't do it for me). I also take meds.
It is difficult to separate ADHD from personality sometimes, even for me, and I both have it and study it...ALL THE TIME.
ADHDMomof2
I know what you mean
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
My bf makes me feel like it's always me. I actually had to tell him "I feel like you don't like me and that you are relentlessly hard on me; I feel like you think I am the source of all of your stress" to get through to him. Instead of engaging in the argument and defending myself, I have been trying to draw attention to his temper and how he cuts me no slack. That approach has been more successful than getting as worked up as he does. Some ironic exchanges lately:
-He yelled at me to tell me he doesn't like how I talk to him. He did not have a concept of how self-defeating and hurtful it was to try to make that point while talking to me in a way that wasn't okay. He was making vague generalizations, and when I asked him what he meant he couldn't give an example or explain. He eventually apologized for losing his temper a lot lately, he said it was due to stress because he just started a job. There is always some excuse for him being that way. And I know he wouldn't yell at anyone else like that.
-I said to him, "Sometimes I don't think you realize how argumentative you are" and he replied, "I think YOU don't realize how argumentative YOU are.'" Fortunately we were able to laugh that one off even though we had been arguing. But often it's like he wants to continue an argument in any way possible.
-This one isn't very ironic, but I left him alone while he was out partying for a friend's birthday, and he was mad at me because he could "tell" that I didn't like it. We had a normal conversation a few weeks before where he asked me what I didn't like about the last time he did it, and he said he would change some things. I didn't make any comments or get mad while he was out, I didn't ask questions or do anything that used to piss him off. It's true that I think the friends are immature and irresponsible, and maybe that came through subtly in my tone sometimes before he went, but I don't have to agree with everything he does. I didn't say anything about it this time though. He actually yelled at me and got mad because I didn't say anything! And it's not like he said to me, hey I imagine you still aren't thrilled with this situation, or I sense that you don't like it, is that true? He got mad at me for doing absolutely nothing. He made assumptions and started drama. I have read in this forum that sometimes people with ADHD are stimulated by conflict, and it has made me realize what lengths he goes to sometimes to cause it. I did change this time, and it did not change the way he reacted. I was as fine as I could be with him going out to party, and later he got all worked up and stressed me out. He came at me out of the blue with statements like "I'm not going to change what I do." Um, I didn't ask you to?
The most frustrating thing to me is how it seems like they make all the "rules." (Actually this was very ironic, he said "when you talk to me it's like you think I have all of these rules!" He does, he is very picky about my word choice, etc.) They decide why things happen and have conditions for things happening; their interpretations are infallible and if only we would change, things would be fine. I would suggest trying to say to your partner, "Sometimes with how you act towards me, I feel that you don't like me/think I am the source of your stress, and that makes me feel bad." He might not be receptive depending on his mood, but this has been more successful for me than when I used to let him get me worked up.