Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on 05/26/2014.
Says it all. The most sought out advice around the topic of dealing with ADHD is anger and frustration. I hope the world will wake up to the whole ADHD issue. Address it better in public schools. Acknowledge. NE Ohio, you need to really get into the present reality of the subject.
Amen! My husband (he has
Submitted by MFrances on
Amen! My husband (he has ADHD) and I were just talking about his anger. He has a lot of anger and yells a lot at me and the kids. I have learned (years ago before we were even married) to not take it personally. The kids can't do that. It's scary for them, his body language, etc. My husband was open to the topic which is a new thing, usually he would get mad at me and go outside to smoke, come back in and act like nothing is wrong. He saw his therapist today and brought it up. His therapist gave him good tips: you have to stop yourself from yelling and do something else, instead of leaning over and shaking your finger in their faces, stoop down to their level and talk calmly, etc. All good advice, all advice I have been telling him for 12 years, all same advice you read in parenting books. the problem is-he can't remember to do those things because he has ADHD! Any advice from the therapist on that? NO! He said the therapist said I just have to do it. Well, if it were that easy we wouldn't be in this situation now would we. So that led me to the question-how many adults with ADHD has this guy treated? He (and his whole family) have had anger issues his whole life and the advice is, you just have to do it. It's all very frustrating. For my husband too, because he is trying to get help but sometimes the help isn't very helpful!
Anger is Why I am Here
Submitted by kellyj on
The kids can't do that. It's scary for them, his body language, etc. My husband was open to the topic which is a new thing, usually he would get mad at me and go outside to smoke, come back in and act like nothing is wrong.
This also works for a child with ADHD who's parents react the same way your husband does to them for their ADHD symptoms. Sorting out anger and it's sources can get very confusing for someone (like me) who had this situation. it becomes the "chicken and the egg" syndrome.
I'm very curios how someone who grew up with ADHD...who's parents didn't yell and scream at them in anger....(.maybe just ignore them or neglect them instead as one possibility) turn out and deal with anger or their own without having this added input. I have no idea but I am curious.
J
I'm very curios how someone
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I'm very curios how someone who grew up with ADHD...who's parents didn't yell and scream at them in anger....(.maybe just ignore them or neglect them instead as one possibility) turn out and deal with anger or their own without having this added input. I have no idea but I am curious.
I have a number of teacher and other friends with ADHD kids who are growing up in calm atmospheres and one ADHD parent and don't have temper issues.
I guess we don't all have anger issues, but when we do, it's a REAL problem.
I didn't grow up in a calm atmosphere (untreated ADHD mom w/depression and anxiety, Asperger dad with depression and anxiety as well as alcoholism), so I am one who has to work at it to control my temper. I also have the impulsivity anger, though it is muted compared to where I was a few years ago. Looking at the description of my household growing up (it's weird to see it in writing), I think I am doing O.K. :)
This is Such an Interesting Topic
Submitted by kellyj on
Or at least for us ADHD ers. Maybe not so interesting for the nons (ya think?)
I also find it hard to read the things that I am saying here on this forum but it is also very cathartic as well. ( another good reason to do it)
So here's another curiosity that I have in light of what you just said. Growing up....dissension of any kind (or open displays of anger on my part) was dealt with swiftly with immediate rage and anger as a form of retaliation and punishment and it was a very effective way for me in learning to keep my mouth shut and not showing anger AT ALL around my family.
On one hand...I learned to hide or control my outward displays of anger very well.....and still have this ability when I have to. It's when I feel like I don't have to is when it comes out. I guess you could say.....I've given myself permission (now) that I didn't have then. It's no excuse but it could be a reason for it. It's just a theory.
J
Is Therapy Effective?
Submitted by kellyj on
His therapist gave him good tips: you have to stop yourself from yelling and do something else, instead of leaning over and shaking your finger in their faces, stoop down to their level and talk calmly, etc. All good advice, all advice I have been telling him for 12 years
This is good advise.
the problem is-he can't remember to do those things because he has ADHD! Any advice from the therapist on that? NO! He said the therapist said I just have to do it.
This isn't true...especially the part about remembering to do it because he has ADHD. I have an excellent memory in fact....photographic at times. it's scary good it's so good. But I still forget to do things that my wife asks me to do just like the other spouses with ADHD on this forum. (much improved I should add).
This kind of memory is specific to getting my focused attention first. I may appear that I am listening or even answer...but if I'm thinking about other things or doing something in the moment (my attention is not focused) I'm likely to forget what was said. The easy fix.....make sure you have my undivided attention and I will remember things that are said for years after only being told once. I score great on tests too. That's one example.
The other part to this is that memory has absolutely nothing to do with why your husband gets angry. I can attest to that for sure. I've been in therapy for 12 years and yes.....simply telling someone once to just not get angry does seem kind of obvious.
But that's not how therapy works. My psychologist tells me the same thing. Don't get angry. That's it.
How this works is it forces YOU.....to figure out how to do it for yourself....no one can simply give you a step by step instruction book on "how not to get angry" (or lose your temper) including therapists. That's why they don't.
It's a process that takes time over many many sessions. Everything that gets discussed will keep getting thrown back in over time...again and again until the light bulb comes on. If you quit before this happens then it will not ever work.
It's took me years just to figure this part out....after that is when things start to take effect in something that (you) the person on the outside will start to notice a difference. Sometimes so slowly and subtly that you may not even notice but eventually you will.
That's how it works. And it does if you put in the time and effort.
J
Great explanation of how therapy works
Submitted by lulu18 on
JJamieson, I love your explanation of how therapy works. You have to find a way to make it work for you and , as the old saying goes, " don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens". You have to keep turning it around in your mind and your heart until the lightbulb does come on and you have your "aha" moment. It does come, you just have to be willing to stay the course until it does. There is no cookbook approach that will work for everyone. That is what makes therapy an art as much as a science. All the great physicians and healers I have been privileged to work with in my life have been part artist and part scientist. It is unfortunate that the field of adult adhd is so underdeveloped that it is hard to find a therapist who knows what he/ she is doing. Hopefully, with people like Melissa Orlov around, that will change for the better.
So Hard to Know
Submitted by kellyj on
I agree that there is not enough information (or therapists) out there that can tell you all there is to know about ADHD. On one had I'm an expert ( the one who has it)....ask me anything, I'm sure to tell you what I think and I probably will be wrong! lol
All I can do is look back and see how far up the mountain I've climbed but I still can't see the top. And for the record...the comments made in the post I was responding sounded a lot like me when I was still looking for the trail head at the beginning of the climb. I don't want to offend anyone but at the same time.....one reason I keep posting here is to test myself on what I've learned so far....in part.....how not offend people when I communicate especially my wife. It helps get the words straight in my mind before I practice it on her....in real time. It's actually helped our communication (and connection) a great deal.
I've purposely not read any of Melissa's book yet for that reason but I fully intend to. I think I've had enough practice for now. My therapist is not specifically trained for ADHD, but what I have learned and the skills he has taught me have been invaluable. I'm ready to take it to the next level and I'm thankful that there are people like Melissa that have devoted their energy to an area that really needs it.
J
"Just stop yelling"
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I'm willing to bet that this therapist doesn't have much in-depth knowledge about ADHD. If he or she did, then "just try harder" wouldn't really be the advice given (as it was here.) Your husband's issue is an integral part of his ADHD - genetically part of his ADHD. He needs to set anger as a target symptom and work on it as he would any other symptom of ADHD. Talk with his doctor about possible medicinal aids; get exercise for mood control (cigarettes are doing that now); consider mindfulnees training that will help him observe his anger better so he can create ways to interfere before it gets out of control (for example, leaving the room after saying "I feel myself getting out of control right now, so I'm going to leave for a second, then come back."
"Trying harder" isn't the solution.
Thank you Melissa. I agree
Submitted by MFrances on
Thank you Melissa. I agree that his anger is an integral part of his ADHD. It is was started us on this journey, that and his forgetfulness helped to lead to get to the diagnosis of ADHD. Other things that his therapist have said has made me think this guy isn't really the therapist for him. Of course, this is coming from my husband-him recalling what happened in therapy to me, I do not attend any of these sessions with him. And we all know how reliable self reporting is. The therapist did bring up mindfulness training about a month ago, but admitted he has no experience with it and only handed my husband a handout on it! I'm trying to encourage him to see a different therapist but I have to tread lightly on this topic because he does like his therapist but I think he is beginning to see it isn't really helpful. I did find what seems like a great therapist, she is actually speaking this month at our local CHADD meeting, which unfortunately my husband cannot attend this month! But I looked up her website and she works with ADHD across the lifespan. So I am encouraging him to give her a try. I think he feels discouraged because he is on his second therapist. I have to keep reminding him that it's not easy to find someone that is knowledgeable in this and that is also a good match. I wish he would excercise and have a better diet. I think that is one thing that has also changed since we got married and had kids. He used to run and workout. Now he doesn't and he doesn't eat breakfast or lunch, only dinner and bedtime snacks! His breakfast is coffee with milk and sugar (2-3 pots! a day) and cigs! Not good.
EEK on the coffee!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
That amount of coffee is definitely a form of self-medication! You are right to think that managing his diet, exercise and sleep patterns would be a very good way to improve his ADHD symptom control. If he's taking meds it may be possible he isn't eating because of appetite suppression. If this is the case, consider a different type of medication (such as Focalin, which does not have this side effect), or eating small amounts of the right types of food even when not hungry. Another possibility would be taking the morning meds after or with breakfast.
Exercise is really, really important for ADHD - in part because it helps with mood control. In his case, sounds as if this would help.
He's had those eating habits
Submitted by MFrances on
He's had those eating habits for years, far before the ADHD medication so it's not that. I don't know why he does that. He used to not drink so much coffee, it used to keep him up, but the last few years (before diagnosis and meds) he started drinking it all day, until around 4pm. That's a good suggestion to eat the right foods at certain times of day even when not hungry. He is also the type that doesn't change his lifestyle-he is the give me a pill to fix it type. I'm surprised he is even in therapy. He does have terrible sleep partly because of he works shifts. He does have on his list to get a sleep study done-he snores terribly. But who knows when he will get to that. I have stopped nagging him about that. I don't know why he doesn't exercise anymore either. At work, they have a gym with treadmills, weights, everything. He thinks since his job is physical that he is in good shape and doesn't need exercise. He doesn't believe me that you need exercise that increases your heart rate, not to just be active or physical. He is the "skinny fat"- skinny but not healthy. He's starting to have other health problems, and even though this may seem not be nice to say, but I hope it scares him enough to change his eating and sleep behaviors.
Thank You for Pointing This Out
Submitted by kellyj on
I made this reference in another post and again here in this one. My number one frustration......finding a way to understand and control my anger. It is what brought me here to this forum because I was not getting the answers I needed in therapy alone....the part that was missing aside from all the benefits that it has given otherwise.
it is also validating to know that I have arrived to this conclusion on my own....but at the same time, it is the single part of having to live with ADHD that I cannot accept about myself. It is the single source for any guilt and shame that I feel about my ADHD in that I can resolve nearly all the other aspects to it without having these feeling.
bottom line.......it's just simply unacceptable. I say from my heart and not for any other reason.
J
Careful about taking the anger thing too far
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Be careful how you read the large number of posts on anger here because this is a self-selecting audience. The people who use this forum are struggling greatly, and very frustrated. (Those that aren't happy don't search the internet to find this site.) And there is good evidence that relationships impacted by adult ADHD are more likely than not to struggle. BUT, that does not mean that they must continue to do so...there are some great relationships out there that include ADHD, and more that used to be struggling, but have gotten better once people figured out how to manage them better.
So, yes, I agree that awareness about the issues adult ADHD adds to relationships needs MUCH greater awareness (and that NE Ohio is a particularly difficult place to find help for some reason that totally eludes me)...but improving education about ADHD is done so that people can learn how to thrive again, not because they are destined to always struggle.
Yep. Not ready to give up the ghost.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I tend to forget this is not just one whole long conversation with everyone on board. I had mentioned in another thread, and for purpose of clarity I will copy it here:
"I was very happy to find this forum. Most of my time is spent in the 'Anger, Frustration & ADHD' section, as that is where my life still revolves, and that is where I find the people who share my current situation. For myself, it gives me some semblance of sanity to know I am not the only person who is struggling, and stuck, and not yet 100% ready to toss in the towel on my marriage. Some days, I get that glimpse of the joy and happiness that is stuck deep inside my spouse. I pray for the day he chooses to dig it out and live in happiness. I have many relatives who also hope he chooses to get back the joy he once had. Some days I fear that my actions over the years, of always giving in to him, gave him a false sense of security. I pray he chooses to move on from that. Some day we will have grandchildren, and he will make a great Grandpa
Cannot wait for the day I get to spend more time sharing about my experience in:
1. Progress You are Making and Hope
2. Negotiation and Setting Boundaries
3. Joy in Marriages with ADHD
If you are participating in Melissa's couples sessions, there is a section dedicated to members: Current Seminar Participant Discussions
There are many other helpful sections here too:
Organization
Communication with ADHD
Conflicts Around Household Tasks
Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD
Resources
Women with ADHD
Families with ADD Kids
Support for the ADHD Partner
other"