Hi! This is my first post on this site. I am glad to have found a forum where I can find some support and be supportive.
My husband was diagnosed with ADD in kindergarten, and began meds right away. At 18, when he was legally allowed to stop them, he did, and just carried on about his life like he'd never had ADD. Since then he's not seen a doctor, and refused to read up/seek guidance/anything regarding adult ADD. I thought, for the last 2 years that he just didn't know how to be an adult, until I remembered that he was diagnosed with ADD as a child. I started to read up on it and even came across older posts from this forum and printed it all out in PURE EXCITEMENT for him to read. I printed symptoms of ADD in adults, Marriage and ADD advice I had found, and even an old thread from this site re: partners of spouses with ADD. I finally realized, this could be PART of the problem. Although my husband hasn't been formally diagnosed with ADD as an adult, I can share a few reasons I suspect he may still be dealing with it.
-he's quite awful with money....filed bankruptcy.....and was heading into filing again when I met him.
-I cannot ask him to do more than one thing (ie. take out the garbage and vacuum) since it's overwhelming and he ends up doing none
-we set out chores when we started living together and he's not gone 1 full week with doing all tasks (he has 7, I have more than 15)
-he continually contradicts himself, sometimes even in the same sentence
-(not sure if this is a trait or not) but he'd stolen money from our family and lied to me about it
Anyway, like most other spouses on this forum I've read I feel quite the same. I'm so tired of looking after what feels like a child. He's like living with a tornado!! I'm exhausted. I'm resentful that I have to do everything.
Apart from sex, my husband initiates nothing.....he's quite happy to sit on the couch and watch tv.
I'm at the end of my rope here. I have one daughter from a previous relationship and when I first met my husband I was excited at the thought of giving her a sibling sooner rather than later, but now I'm afraid to have kids with him.....
I feel terrible. I'm an awful person for the thoughts I have in my head. I want to leave him, but he's got me (and my parents) in such financial distress that I can't leave. Then I feel guilty for thinking of leaving, but I can't get past how mad I am at him.
He's not read any of the material I've given him, and he tells me he's never going on meds again (he was on ritalin as a child) I told him there are many components to working with his ADD, such as diet, exercise, meds and a life coach (or 1, or all 4, or 3 etc)..
I'm just at a point now where if I ask him to leave, maybe he'll realize that he's got to work on himself (I know I also do, but I'm actively trying by researching, reading on happy couple secrets, etc). I just don't understand how he says he understands what he's putting my daughter and I through, yet he doesn't care enough to work on it.
I just need help!!
Dweeb
you are not an awful person!
Submitted by Standing on
@dweeb
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
First of all, welcome. I am a diagnosed ADHD husband and what you have revealed here in your first post is not uncommon. I am replying because I want to help. My wife has been through all this and more, and It saddens me when I learn that another couple is on that same path. Fortunately I am on the upside to recovery. There is hope if you know how to approach this in the right way. It took me a while to get to this point, but I am very grateful that I have been taught (mainly by Melissa) that my marriage is salvageable and things can get better, provided that your husband is willing to take ownership of his affliction. I realize that none of this is much practical help, so I want you to ask any specific questions you like and I will try to answer them as best I can (from the point of view of the ADHD husband, of course).
Thank you Standing and
Submitted by dweeb on
Thank you Standing and NotAnIdiot for your replies. The best comfort is knowing I have some place to go to educate myself, find solace and vent. Until, that is, that my husband decides he's willing to see the multitude of ways to work with ADD. One thing I wish to mention before asking a few questions is the way the education system "dealt" with any type of special need here in canada. I only mention it because I feel it did nothing to help him find solutions or help him in his adult life. From kindergarten through grade 12, my husband was pulled from several classes each year and brought in to a "special education class". This class was developed to help any child who wasn't able to keep up in regular class focus on learning certain subjects. This was a very forgiving classroom setting that focused solely on what any individual could do in the class. For instance, if my husband wasn't particularly great at any certain subject, they'd help him with the classes he struggled less with. Because of this terrible learning philosophy my husband misses a ton of subjects. Like history, geography, French etc. so my husband only worked on what he could excel in and that's it. Obviously there is more reasons in which I find this learning philosophy terrible, but I don't want to write too much. The reason I bring it up is because I feel this learning style has had a terrible affect on the way he deals and works on things now. So I suppose my questions are as follows: what can help a person with add realize it requires some type of management. My husband is unwilling to see a doctor because he doesn't want to go on meds. He won't read the material I printed because he thinks he doesn't need to, and he has trouble reading. What helps you manage your day easier? I've read that certain foods/drinks can affect symptoms, do you find that? My husband lives on coffee.
Sunlight's post to another new forum member
Submitted by Standing on
Dweeb, for reference, if you have not already seen it, you might appreciate a post from Sunlight in this thread:
/content/new-here-confused-and-stressed
I'm going to be getting the two books by Daniel Amen which Sunlight mentions there.
My husband and I have discussed the importance of diet and exercise, and he's been willing to accept my quiet help in the area of diet, but he's not yet utilized the gym membership (which was his idea)... so I'm seeing some changes, but it's slow going.
By the way, by quiet help I mean - I make available some healthier (slightly) snack options, like dry roasted peanuts, and he participates in the effort by not buying so many potato chips every day. Little steps, but a definite improvement! Often, I remind him to eat at lunchtime, or share with him the other half of my sandwich (we work together), and instead of running out for junk food or complaining about how he'd rather have the sandwich prepared, he's willing to accept it in appreciation. That is a huge improvement, imo. I wish he would not drink so much diet soda, but I am happy that he drinks water each night, which is something that he never would do before.
I don't anticipate that my husband will ever be motivated to read much about add, unless it's an article about a hopeful aspect of the situation or about something beneficial attached to a particular add characteristic, but I will share those with him when I see them. Mostly, I try to use object lessons or examples as they arise in real life, and I'm working quite hard at doing this in a calm, smiling, non-adversarial tone, and never in the heat of a moment.
For me, the main focus has to be on accentuating the positive and holding forth hope for improvement, while extending to my husband appreciation of the small changes he's been willing to make. My counselor has emphasized the need for me to reinforce desireable behavior, and I am seeing a difference! I've had to become much more mindful of my own thought processes and to stop reacting to my husband as though he is a problem I need to fix. This has been a major shift for me.
Anyway, I think that Sunlight offers a good deal of positive counsel in her thread, to which I linked above, and maybe NotAnIdiot will offer more insight from an add perspective. Glad you're here!
Thank you for the reference
Submitted by dweeb on
Thank you for the reference link Standing. Sunlights post has some excellent advice.
I spoke with my husband today and he mentioned that he'll mention to his doctor his previous add diagnosis. This will be his first family doctor since he was 18. Hopefully the doctor will be of the opinion that he should dig deeper and offer solutions as opposed to brushing it off. It took us almost 8 months to find him a family doctor (we're Canadian) so I would hate to go through the process again.
Despite the struggles we'll face together I guess I'm most worried that I'm not strong enough to "work" on this for the rest of my life. I'm overwhelmed with the thought of having to carry to carry the brunt of running a household alone because it's much harder on him to take on more responsibility. And it makes me feel terrible that I don't want to have a child with similar struggles. How terrible am I?
Mr. Dweeb
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I think it will be difficult to get your husband to appreciate what is involved with ADHD if he is unwilling (or unable) to read up on the subject. There are so many good books out there that I found crucial to my own understanding. Have you thought of reading to him? You can't really start to tackle the problem until you understand it. One promising alternative I can think of is an ADHD "coach." They are not exactly therapists - they don't diagnose, do analysis, or any of that. What they do is help with everyday challenges, and the best ones understand ADHD inside and out. I would suggest contacting one who has a solid reputation (in my case, since I live in a small town, I had my coaching over the phone - PM me if you want her name). It is not cheap, but I was willing to pay just about anything to help me get control of something that was literally ruining my life. The first step, though, is for him to realize that he has a problem that will not go away on its own, and cannot be managed by him alone until he understands fully in his own mind exactly what he's got.
Oh, and if he "lives on coffee" - he is already on meds. He is self medicating with a drug (caffeine) that is not very effective in treating ADHD. Before I was diagnosed, I kept amping up the caffeine, thinking that if a little helped a little, a lot might help a lot. Wrong - the more caffeine I consumed, the worse I got (especially with anxiety), and the ensuing breakdown was what prompted me to go to the doctor and ask what the f*** was wrong with me. My combination of buproprion and a low dose of adderall works perfectly now, and if your husband wants to get past this, medication is one thing to consider seriously, if for no other reason that ADHD is at bottom a brain chemistry issue. And most people misunderstand what the meds are like. They do not produce any dissociative or mind-altering effects. For me, adderall actually calms me down and allows me to focus and think more clearly - it has a "de-cluttering" effect. In people without ADHD, it will wire them up. It's kind of like wearing glasses - if you need them, you wear them and the world looks normal. If somebody with perfect vision puts them on, the world is a blur.
I hope your situation does not end up like mine. I had to hit rock bottom before I figured it out - not just my anxiety breakdown, but my wife visiting with a lawyer because she couldn't take it anymore. I hope your husband does not require some crisis in order to get some help.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by dweeb on
Thank you so much for your perspective NotAnIdiot! My husband is terrible at explaining himself or his feelings so I never get clarity like this.
I never offered to read to him, it might be a solution down the road but as of right now it wouldn't work. Like I mentioned in my above post, his strong suit in school wasn't reading so he was exempt from reading anything. So reading to him brings on too many pauses to explain words and I just find it frustrating. My job is based on reading material the government plans to release to the public and sometimes I'm forced to speed read upwards of 1000 pages a day.
I mentioned to Standing that my husband has decided to speak to his new family doctor of his previous add diagnosis so I'm anxious to see what his doctor suggests. I'd be thrilled with the suggestion of a life coach (and thank you for your offer), and family counseling.
I don't believe the amount of coffee he drinks is healthy for anyone, so it's always something I discourage but at least he's cut out the sugar.
Do you think you could manage your ADHD without medication? My husband was clearly on an incorrect med/dosage as a child because his fear stems from the fact that he felt like a drone while on it ( Ritalin).
Do you know the likelihood of passing ADHD/ADD to children? This is something I'm terrified of for many many reasons.
meds
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
You're welcome, I hope it has been helpful.
I could not manage my ADHD without medication. When I don't take it (or don't take the prescribed dose), I feel out of sorts. I am unable to focus, concentrate, or complete tasks at work or at home. I have never taken Ritalin. I read somewhere that Ritalin is not considered a good medication for adults - things like Vyvanse, Adderall, or Stratera are far more commonly prescribed. There is no set formula - everyone reacts differently. My doctor tried Vyvanse on me, but it stayed in my system too long and gave me anxiety at night. It takes some trial and error to get it right. One thing you have not really mentioned yet, but I think is most important: your husband's state of mind. Is he honest with himself about the problem? To what extent is he aware of the trouble he is causing you? Once I realized that my ADHD was ruining my life, and was causing my wife so much misery, I was willing to do anything to get better. Does he want to get better? If so, you and a doctor have to lay out before him some sort of concrete plan for action.
You are correct about the long road ahead of you as his wife. Just read some of the wives' horror stories on this forum. The good news is that people can get better, but only if they want to.
ADHD is hereditary, unfortunately. My nephew has it, my uncle had it, and my youngest daughter has a mild case.
NotAnIdiot, My husband only
Submitted by dweeb on
NotAnIdiot, My husband only shows that vulnerability once in a while. He sometimes freely admits that his ADD impedes his life, but can quickly retract that statement as well. He hears me when I say how much if affects our lives and my life but I'd be hard pressed to say he fully understands the impact. He says he wants to get better, but at this point he is like a sinking ship. He just doesn't know how to help himself and he's too proud to ask. He does however, have an appt with a family doctor Monday for the first time in 15 years!!
What hurts right now is my struggle to leave. I find the longer I am away from him the more I yearn for him and miss him, and despite this self motivation....I feel that way until the minute I walk through the door see him. It all disappears and the frustration of lying, laziness etc hits me like a brick and I'm so angry I'm shaking. Clearly it isn't a healthy environment for my 2 year old daughter (from a previous relationship) nor myself. Also, when I make a pro/con list in my head, I find I don't put anything about HIM in the pro side (it mostly reads: do projects together, travel partner, stability, etc)....of course, this makes me feel terribly guilty! He is a good person. He has a kind heart, and I'd be hard pressed to find someone who would take better care of me when I am sick (very doting).
You may have hit rock bottom,
Submitted by lauren07 on
You may have hit rock bottom, but you sure as heck got back up. Mine hit bottom and liked it there because my leaving was not his fault.
Mine drinks 2+ Monsters daily and has for many years now:/
lauren07, are you stil
Submitted by dweeb on
lauren07, are you stil currently with him?
No, I'm not. He's so bad now
Submitted by lauren07 on
No, I'm not. He's so bad now that I can't stand to be around him. He is the opposite of what I thought I was marrying.
I was like you once, though. I missed him until he came home and for similar and same reasons. My heart ached for our marriage. I cried harder than I've ever cried.
Mine has a good heart too, but actions speak louder than.....silence.