My husband has been gone for six weeks. In some ways it has been good. In some ways not so good. He has rented a room about 25 minutes away. I met with him today to discuss finances but it turned ugly. He will not face anything he is doing. Honestly, I don't recognize him. He has a swagger and an attitude about him that did not exist before. It is a little creepy to me. He took our son's college money and spent almost all of it. In six weeks. He does not see that he has a problem. I've tried to talk to him several times and each time it gets turned around into everything is my fault. He said he is not coming back, ever. He will support our son and me for now. He wants me to hurry and get a job. I start substitute teaching in a couple of weeks. I run a small business from home. It will take a while for me to get a permanent job as I have been out of the job market for a number of years. Outside of worrying about what this is doing to my son, I worry about finances the most. I cannot maintain our home on my own. I will have to, at some point, rent out a room.
The good things I've learned are that I am stronger than I thought I was. I can get through a lot. I haven't stayed in bed with the covers over my head, like I thought I would. I've been through the death of my mother and my husband leaving in the last 7 months and I'm still here. There is peace in our household. I have no problem with my son. He is such a good young man (he's 15). I had wondered for a while if he has ADHD but I don't see the same symptoms present now. I think it was the influence of his dad. He sees his dad 2-3 times a week but isn't with him as much. I clearly see now how and where ADHD was affecting our marriage. The stress over finances is still there because I am relying on his pay at this point, but all other things are gone. He is not starting projects and not finishing them. He's not coming home from work and ignoring the fact that I am present in the room with him. He is not leaving the front door open, cabinet doors open, piles of messes everywhere. I don't feel responsible for saving him from himself. He will have to take care of himself or live with the consequences. I don't feel hated in my own home. That is a relief. I am leaning a lot on God. My faith keeps me going.
That swagger IS creepy
Submitted by Standing on
I used to think he was just trying on the attitude, but sometimes it seems delusional.
I am praying for a solution re: finances! Also, the part about your sweet son made me smile. You two will be just fine. Thank God for peace.
Delusional is a good word.
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Delusional is a good word. He has lost a bit of weight and I think he believes he is cool and cute. The reality is he is still a 52 year old short, balding man. I don't mean that as an insult, it's just what it is. I am a 48 year old short woman with a few too many lbs on me. I think he's trying to capture his youth again. Being a family man isn't enough for him. He wants to party and be irresponsible.
Thank you for the prayers. I know it will work out in the end. I am old enough to have hindsight and when I look at my life in the rear view mirror I see that I have gotten through every trial in life. God has watched out for me.
In a recent lucid moment
Submitted by Standing on
my husband said to me, "Since I was 15, I've done what I wanted whenever I wanted to."
Yep.
I'm not sure whether he's trying to recapture youth or has never exited that mindset. My counselor has told me that I keep my husband grounded. He does seem to value and appreciate my common sense (when it suits him), but I can also see that my ways become viewed by him as an anchor (or millstone around his neck) at times when he has the notion to be more free-spirited.
Please don't let his actions become about you, Worn. This is all about him and his crisis with reality. I'm a 54 year old woman with encroaching wrinkles, covering up that gray, aware of a distinctly declining energy level, who has had 4 kids and stopped wearing shorts a few years ago. :) And life goes on, which is why I am not giving up my nightly bowl of ice cream.
You are thoroughly gorgeous! That's what the Truth says. Glorious and brand new shiny where it counts.
I found out something last
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I found out something last night that disturbs me. The woman he is renting a room from has a belief system that is the polar opposite of our belief system. We are Christians. Or, I am a Christian. I am unsure of my husband's beliefs at this time. She is into the occult. Very deeply in. I called and told him about it and I could tell he was surprised. I did a Google search and I do not like what I saw about her. It is not something I would want anyone I care about to be around. I told my husband to never take our son around this woman and her friends. My husband found this woman through a co-worker of his, who is also into this kind of thing. This new information kept me up part of the night. It just seems like my husband is spiraling out of control. It is hard not to worry.
There really is a battle ongoing!
Submitted by Standing on
It is scary and worrysome. Yet this brings to mind so many assurances. Greater is He...
Please know that I am joining in your prayers and agreeing with you for your husband's protection. Let's hope that this experience helps him to remember Whose he is and rekindles his desire to walk in the Light. Wish I could remember more often to heed my own advice, but I know that it's true... we can have the utmost confidence in the One who loves us best!!
I keep trying to keep at the front of my mind - - Your husband and mine... they are beloved, too, and they have not been forgotten or forsaken. Hugs!!
First thing I wanted to say
Submitted by SherriW13 on
First thing I wanted to say was that I admire your list of things that you aren't forced to deal with since he's been gone..feeling hated in your own home is a huge one. I feel that now. One cannot explain that feeling and how devastating it is until you've been there and felt it. You really need to focus on that.
I wanted also to warn you to be very careful delving I to his life. You have every right to not want your son around someone who is into something that has so much potential to allow the devil even further I to your family but doing your searches and making him aware is all borderling on codependent behaviors and can make a mess when you're dealing with the complexities of separation and trying to stand strong and set boundaries.
As for the swagger and attitude..it's most likely all for show. They would rather die than to have us think they're not on their game and conquering the world. I didn't recognize my husband either during our separation but truth was he didn't recognize himself. I would completely ignore his outward behaviors and appearance. I would never mention the college money but remove the rest so he has no access if you can. Most likely he's trying to get a rise out of you and he's probably not doing anywhere as well as he is making it seem. However, right now, his survival should be the last thing you concern yourself with.
I am told constantly how my husband would leave if he could afford to, how unhappy I make him. I feel like a burden. I feel that he cannot stand to even be in the same room with me and that even when he's nice it's forced. I really hope you can grow to appreciate the distance you have and stop concerning yourself with him. ((Hugs))
Sherri, this really struck a chord with me.
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I wanted also to warn you to be very careful delving I to his life. You have every right to not want your son around someone who is into something that has so much potential to allow the devil even further I to your family but doing your searches and making him aware is all borderling on codependent behaviors and can make a mess when you're dealing with the complexities of separation and trying to stand strong and set boundaries.
I realize now after 29 years of covering for him, protecting him from his unawareness and bad decisions, it is time for me to bow out. I can no longer do it. I looked up the woman because my husband was talking about taking our son to her house and our son spend the night and hang around with this woman's grandchildren. When I asked my husband about her, he said it was none of my business. Where our son goes IS my business so I set out to find out more about the woman. I did find out and didn't like it. I wanted to make sure my husband knew what kind of woman she is and not take our son around her. But, I think I went into old habit mode and tried to not only protect our son, but direct my husband. I don't want that responsibility anymore. I have felt strongly in the last couple of days that I have spent a year and a half trying to convince my husband to get some help, to get counseling and to work on our marriage. He has fought it the whole time. It's time to get on with MY life. God has a plan for my life. I want to live that plan. Whether my husband will be a part of that or not, I do not know. At this point it would have to be a complete turn around in our relationship and he would have to be willing to get treatment and counseling. I could not go back to the same life I had before. The constant tension, resentment, feeling like everything was going to fall apart at any time, the hatred and anger, it can no longer be a part of my life. I have really obtained a clarity about it all that I did not have before. I feel some hope about MY future. It has been a long time.
Praying in the Spirit
Submitted by Lbj on
I wonder if some of you ladies ever felt that some of the battles you are facing may be spiritual, the Bible clearly states, we wrestle not against flesh and blood, I am not saying that ADHD is not real, however, everything I noticed about is what is totally against the word of God it seems to me. Just an observation.
Always. I believe that it is
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Always. I believe that it is all spiritual warfare and that is why I have made it a very real mission for at least four years now to grow closer to God. My marriage fell completely and utterly to pieces as soon as I started getting close to God. We were in church as a family for the first time in our marriage when my husband went off the edge of sanity and it hasn't been the same since. He hasn't been the same. We have a black cloud over our home. I pray, I rebuke the devil , and I try to have faith and use my knowledge of Gods word to guide me. Problem is, being a very broken codependent, I tend to be my own worst enemy. I'm not there yet but I've come a long way. By the grace of God I will get through.
Always. I believe that it is
Submitted by Lbj on
SherriW13, I have been looking at the symptoms. And it puzzles me, I have several friends that are affected by this and some of them will not go to church because they are afraid they may blurt out something inappropriately at church, this is sad. I looked at his you tube video and have really been studying ADHD and ADD.
Lbj, Yes, I do believe much
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Lbj, Yes, I do believe much of what has been happening to me has been a spiritual battle. When I shared with my sister that my husband is renting a room from a woman who is a witch, does channeling, thinks she's part alien and is involved in other occult things, she said "Boy, Satan is really leading him down a path, isn't he?" I really believe that. I see a change in him that concerns me. I pray for him daily.
Lbj, Yes, I do believe much
Submitted by Lbj on
Check this out on You tube DELIVERANCE & HEALING PRAYER FOR ADHD 2 (made with Spreaker)
I found this also read the comments too. Pray this helps Let me know what you think,
This touched a nerve :-)
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
My now-ex-fiance has lost thirty-some pounds... and that was when I found him hanging out on a dating site (the lies he told trying to squirm out of that were ridiculous and I still have a lot of anger about it). He regularly posts on FaceSmack about how great he's doing, and his female friends gush all over him and I think he LOVES the attention. The new swagger sure sounds familiar, and I'm seeing something like "Hey, maybe I can do better than this tired-looking woman who's exhausted by taking care of my children - look at all of these women who want to roller-blade and go sailing and have romantic wine by the fireplace!"
LOL in a very sad way, it IS rather amusing, don't you think? I know part of his reasoning sounds comically like a midlife crisis.
Fine. Wait 'til the next one figures out that all of his lavish spending is going on credit cards that he doesn't pay off, that she'll likely become a punching bag for his autistic kids, and that after the initial period he will only show her attention if he wants something. Heaven help the women whose lives he blunders into.
My husband is looking for
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband is looking for excitement, fun, adventure! He seems to think it is just out there waiting for him and I've stopped him from having fun for years. He has turned into a stranger. A stranger I don't like. I miss my husband of my 20s. He was scatterbrained at times and caused some problems, but he wasn't arrogant, angry and down right mean. I cannot handle that.
I pray lots too. I just want
Submitted by julie sharp on
I cannot talk to my husband.
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I cannot talk to my husband. Just this last week I have come to the conclusion that I just need to stay away from him. No matter what we discuss it gets turned around into blaming me for something. A friend asked me last night after church if I am lonely. Lonely for what? Being told I am a liar? Being blamed for everything he has not accomplished in life? Being called horrible names? Um, no, I am not lonely for THAT. I miss my husband of my 20s. I do not miss the person who I have been in a marriage with the last few years. I feel a sadness but I do not miss how my life was during that time. He insists he does not need help and will not get help. I see no future for us if he does not. I cannot live the way we were.
Miss my "old" husband too
Submitted by boilergirl on
I completely understand missing the husband of your 20s. I married my husband when he was 23 and I was 24. Sure, I had seen a few angry outbursts, but we had met working at a summer camp. He was fun, everyone loved him, yes a free spirit, but we balanced each other out. He always worked and I never ever would have thought he would be content to sit and let his family fall into financial ruin. 14 years later, he is bitter and blaming. He flies off the handle over small stuff and we are always on edge with him. He got fired from his last job over a year ago and has shown little interest in financially helping the family since then. Even his parents see he has changed and cannot figure out why he is the way he is. He is going back for help again, but I guess I am so tired of all of the tries that I am not sure I have it in me to wait it out and see how medication/therapy goes. I really feel sorry that he is so miserable, but I have finally come to the realization that I am not in charge of his happiness. I can't "make" him happy. So yes, I see couples that are loving and affectionate and I long for that part of out relationship. But I can't say I would miss what it has morphed into. Glad you are finding some peace.
The longer my husband is away
Submitted by WornOutMB on
The longer my husband is away the less I miss him. I know that 29 years of dealing with the untreated ADHD symptoms was all I could take. He has made it clear that he does not think he needs any help so I don't see how it could possibly work anymore. One night before he left we were arguing and he said my opinion didn't matter to him. I am a "non-person" to him. In reality I think it's always been this way, I just didn't see it while in the middle of it. I think much of the time he didn't hear me, didn't consider my feelings, misheard me and thought I said things I didn't say and on and on. He was loving and affectionate during the hyper focus stage, afterwards, nothing. I'm not willing to settle for that anymore. I'd rather be alone. I'm finding I'm kind of liking it with just my son and I. There's less drama (my son is a teenager so some drama is a given!) and it just feels less chaotic. I feel like I'm getting "me" back.
I'm glad that things are
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm glad that things are going OK. My husband (of almost 30 years) and I live separately and although I like living alone for the most part and don't miss the chaos at all, it does still hurt that my husband has shunned me. He almost never initiates communication with me and often doesn't respond when I email him questions for which I need answers. Sometimes I feel as though I'm dead to him.
Rosered, It is the same with
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Rosered, It is the same with me. I do feel some of the hurt of being shunned. My husband does not call me, I call him when I have to address something regarding our son or finances. Maybe it's just the relief of not having it all up in my face right now. I am just enjoying the peace.
it's good to hear you sounding so centered
Submitted by Standing on
I've been thinking the last
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I've been thinking the last couple of weeks about why my marriage declined to the point it is and appears to be at an end. I noticed a change in my marriage starting about 4 years ago, when my father-in-law passed away. My husband stuffed his feelings and didn't deal with it at all. Less than a year later we purchased our home. For most of our marriage I have taken care of the home, finances, reminders to get to appts, take care of maintenance issues, ran my own small business, and homeschool our son among other things. About three years ago I started to feel overwhelmed. It was too much for me to keep up with. I couldn't take care of what I had to, a large part of what my husband was supposed to and be a constant reminder for my husband. I began asking for help. Not with everything, but to do the budget with me, help keep our home picked up (I have balance issues which make falling easy for me), and keep notes so he wouldn't forget so many things. It was then he started becoming critical of me. He asked me what did I want to do, sit on the couch and eat chocolate all day? He started pushing me to find a job other than my small business. He kept coming home telling me about his coworkers' wives who make so much more money than me. It seemed when I made things easy for him he was okay, but as soon as I asked for help he became belligerent and mean and ended up leaving me. It makes me feel used. Does anyone else wonder if they are being used by their ADHD spouse?
Yes, I feel as though I'm
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes, I feel as though I'm being used. My husband doesn't make comments about me sitting on the couch and eating chocolate but he seems content with the division of labor and responsibilities, which right now consists of me being responsible for our house, being the primary breadwinner, making sure the bills are paid, and being physically and emotionally available for our grown children.
My husband has been the
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband has been the primary breadwinner for the last 16 years. Before that he worked sporadically. I have worked part time or ran my own business for the last 10 years. I have always been responsible for getting things done at home. If anything needs to be repaired I have to remind and remind until it gets done or I give up and do what I can do or hire someone. He continually says he will do it, but never does. He had me let our gardener go so we would have the extra money and promised to get our broken lawnmower fixed (which is why we got a gardener in the first place) but he never did. I will have to figure out a plan for the spring. I make sure the bills are paid and take care of our son (who is 15). I remember when the cars need to be smogged, when they need the oil changed,etc. Anything that needs to be done I either do it, remind or hire. I realize it became so overwhelming for me that I was practically begging him to help. He didn't care if it was hard on me. To tell the truth, it is easier now to take care of things than when he was here.
The Role of The Wife
Submitted by Standing on
Yes, Worn. I have felt used by my husband for years.
I feel that he is acting out a performance and has cast me in the role of The Wife, a position which has no power or influence, but many Duties.
His responsibility is limited to a few small things that he will do for me - only when he feels a notion - and only if they bring immediate reward and gratification. Unless he expects to benefit from those things, or thinks that he can manipulate me through them, he does not bother with them, either.
You have seen the Persona that gets adopted. Remember the swagger? It is so repulsive because it shows that he has taken his own shame and poured it all off onto someone else... usually the one closest to him, who knows the truth.
The worst of my husband's behavior comes when I strongly disagree with his judgment. I stepped out of my designated role. It's been downhill ever since.
The abandonment comes when he no longer views me as an asset.
One of the things that has brought me to a shocking awareness of just how twisted and wrong his perceptions are... he has totally devalued the man who only a few months ago was his hope and mainstay, his right-hand-man, the one who was going to bring his business into fine order. Why? 1) This man has seen the truth and 2) He is an ordinary mortal, who happens to need surgery and won't be available to play his part for awhile. I mean he completely ignores him, as though he is invisible. It is so bizarre to watch! Even more bizarre is the bit of my husband's internal dialogue re: his perception of what's going on. When he shared some of this with me, it was so far from the truth, so convoluted, so much projection of his own crud onto this other man.... there is simply no straightening it out. He will avoid reality at any cost.
The abandonment comes when he
Submitted by WornOutMB on
The abandonment comes when he no longer views me as an asset.
I feel that is my story in a nutshell. Actually, almost all of what you said resonates with me. It's almost bizarre that this disorder causes those afflicted with it to behave so similarly.
Is it Hot in here, or is it just me?
Submitted by c ur self on
(Unless he expects to benefit from those things, or thinks that he can manipulate me through them, he does not bother with them, either.) We are all different, and we all can and do get stuck in realities that are not healthy.
Your comment above is quiet a hindrance to the point of dangerous.... If your husband sense's you feel this way, or you make statements to this end...It will greatly hinder your husband's ability or desire to just love you in the way's he is capable of.
He or I should say we (because I is one;)) We start hearing the voices in our hearts and head...
"Man why even try, she will think you just want something from her, every way you try show love she will judge it...She always thinks negative thoughts about me, she assumes there is a self serving motive. Man don't seek for normal marital sharing of affection's from her...you know she will make an ugly judgment and turn you down, so why go through the pain of opening yourself up to her, she's is just going to abuse you....
Now, if you think this isn't the reality for many of us...You would be wrong...If you are wondering if c ur self has and does deal with this kind pain and hopelessness you would be right:(
this reference is to my husband, not to the entire male gender,
Submitted by Standing on
Just an insite into the male mind..,Even us non-caring one's....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's amazing how good we get to know each other when we are married...The easiest person to judge is the one you have so many expectations for....I'm sure my wife is correct about much of what she has said about me....It's like J's post about being mad at a cat for being a cat....It's who we are in this fleshly robe...We are eventually going to scratch the furniture and our imperfections will be reveled again and again and again....Until somebody shoots that cat...Or until you declaw him....Jesus declaws us;)
I tried to have a
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I tried to have a conversation today with my husband regarding finances. Again, he misheard me/perceived me, whatever. He accused me of using a nasty tone and being confrontational. I know for a fact I was not. We cannot have a civil conversation because he does not compute what I am saying correctly and he does the switch and makes it sound like it is my fault. It has been like this for most of our marriage, it has just gotten worse in the last couple of years. He either does not accept what he does or does not see it. I don't know. I cannot do the constant deflect, defend, deny anymore. But what do you do when you have a minor child and you have to communicate with someone for the child's benefit? I don't know how to do it. He won't go to anyone for help.
An interpreter
Submitted by Standing on
Worn, I think you need a third party to help discuss these issues and bring about a resolution. If not an attorney, possibly a family friend or even an accountant, someone who can help him to hear your questions through all the noise in his head.
I bet you never get that when you are discussing something fun?
Submitted by c ur self on
I wish I had a nickel for every time, my tone, facial expressions, or choice of wording was her way out of conversations about being responsible to or for something. Edit: Number one coping mechanism: Avoidance!
My husband filed for divorce
Submitted by WornOutMB on
My husband filed for divorce this week. I have retained an attorney. I do not want to be married to someone who wants to live with blinders on and puts blame on everyone else but himself. 29 years was long enough. It's time to move on. Once the details are ironed out I believe I will feel much better. I'm not yet 50. I hopefully have years ahead of me filled with peace and joy. That's what I desire. I'm old enough to know that life won't always be smooth sailing, but calmer seas will be welcomed.
I think the divorce process
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think the divorce process will be difficult (some communication with your husband probably will be necessary, and I know from experience that communicating about things such as a separation or divorce is extra hard for many people who already struggle with communication, such as our ADHD husbands), but I think you'll come out better on the other side.
Well, there has not been a
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Well, there has not been a whole lot that hasn't been difficult in the last 29 years. I do believe, as you say, I will come out better on the other side of the divorce.
I'm still married but my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm still married but my husband and I live apart. Except for the legalities, I feel like a divorced person and single mom. It's not bad, but communication is still a huge issue.
Me, too.
Submitted by Standing on
WornOutMB...
Submitted by c ur self on
I wish you well...I became a widower at 50, after a 30 year marriage...I think you will be fine!...the only suggestion I have is to be patient and content with your own company, which women usually do much better than us males;)...I had a sweet wife....And after 30 year's of that closeness...Married at age 20...I missed it...My two children were happily married...And these walls didn't talk much...Ha Ha...So, i just got a little impatient with being alone...Probably more of a man thing...Blessings!
Thank you, c ur self. You
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you, c ur self. You sound like my dad in a lot of ways. He became a widower in February after being married to my mom for 44 years. They married when he was 20. He says he does not like being by himself so he has started dating. He said he is not ready for marriage yet but enjoys doing new things and having new experiences with the ladies he is meeting versus staying home and being alone. He is a Christian man so I don't worry too much about him. I don't think it will be the same for me. I still have a 15 year old son at home. He is all the company I want or need at this time. Maybe someday...maybe not. I don't know. I feel like there are some things that I want to do on my own before I even consider that. I really pray for my husband to get help and turn to God, both for his sake and our son's.