Hi,
I met my husband online. We talked for 6 months on skype before we met face to face. I never suspected him of ADHD. He was acting normal. We got married after 2 months since our face to face meeting cause we were in love. After that I found out he has ADHD, he gas 3 kids with 3 different women, he gambles/bets. Back then I really thought that everybody has the right to be happy so I didn't freak out. It's been 2 years since our marriage and its not good at all.
he has his moments when he helps me with house duties, he takes the dogs out from time to time, he cooks for me. But lately he is horrible, we fight every day, I yell and sometimes threaten him with divorce, I force him to do things. He is so lazy, and so selfish and I feel he doesnt love me.
I wanted to divorce him so many times but I really dont want that. I want to help him, I want to make him better.
recently I started to read about ADHD and that is how I got here. I am very confident that I can make this marriage work but I need to change first.
Im afraid to have kids with him, as he already left his other 3 :(
i am afraid that the process of helping our marriage is gonna be too long and Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time with him.
im also afraid that he will not quit the betting.
He has good parts and He is a good man. He deserves to be helped, but can I help him?
Is it real that we can save our marriage?
right now he is in a different city to relax and think about us... He said, but he actually went there to have the freedom if betting. He said this time apart will help us. He said he might spend 4 weeks there
He called me today saying that he's coming home. After only 1week. He said he thinks he should be with me not far from me, but I dont believe him. He lies a lot....
i just wonder if this worths the try to save our marriage. Will I trust him ever? Will I have his kid without worrying that I will have to raise it alone??
did anybody succeed in this trying?
You can't fix him and you'll
Submitted by jade21 on
You can't fix him and you'll drive yourself crazy trying. He has to want to change on his own accord. You say you need to change? Nothing you are doing is making him gamble. He is choosing his own behaviors. Nothing you do or change will make him stop. To me it sounds like you are looking for him to make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. I would not even think about having kids with him until you straighten out your marital/individual issues. Kids add a whole different dynamic to a relationship. If you aren't able to deal with the current stressors, a kid is just going to add to your stress level. Plus I don't think it would be fair to bring a child into a situation that volatile. Have you talked with him about his addiction and how much it affects your relationship?
Bets are like drugs
Submitted by Hachikomar on
Hi Jade21,
he knows he has a problem, but he wants to make money he says. He knows he needs a job, but he is waiting for the job to fall from the sky. He is a good man, he cooks for me, he cleans the house from time to time.. He says sorry everytime he makes a mistake...
he started betting before I met him. He went to Las Vegas for his sister's wedding and that is where all began. He won some money a few times but he lost a lot because he cannot control it.
when I found out about the bets, I explained to him that bets are bringing only bad things and that I don't agree with it. He placed a few bets and lost money... That was when he asked for my help. He asked me to handle an online betting account and place bets for him. This way, I could help him control. I was totally against of course. But he bugged me over and over again even though I told him why bets are not good and that he should quit. He was so annoying me with the betting idea that I just said ok. We created the account, placed bets and I noticed he bets stupidly on team he doesn't even know -using a big amount of money. I tried to make him understand that its wrong, but he got mad saying its his money and I cant control it.
after losing the money we agreed to bet that time, he stopped for a while. Then he did it again and again.
Every now and then he bugged me with bets. He knows bets are not good, he knows I am right, he knows he should quit but he cannot do it. Its like quitting smoking.. I used to smoke and I knew it was bad but couldnt quit.
i quit smoking only when I found out that my dad has lung cancer...
My husband doesnt have a job now, he has some money in my account. He never asked for money from me to place bets.
Right now, football season started and he is asking me to let him bet once a week on football. I told him a week ago I will not tolerate bets anymore and I asked him nicely to quit. I even threaten him that I will leave him. But he is so sure he can win, cause 'he knows football'...
I don't even know what to do...how can I help him quit? I tried threats, I tried making deals with him ( if he lost the money he wouldn't bet ), I tried talking to him...I even banned the betting sites on his computer...Nothing works. He always thinks that he can win back what he lost...bets are like drugs :(
When I said I need to change, it was because so far I have only been aggressive, I yelled at him, I threatened him, i riped things apart, because I couldn't stand him. Ever since I found out about this blog and the books I can read, I promised myself I would change. I have lost my patience so many times..
So how can I help him quit the betting? He knows it's bad as I said... But he needs to be motivated! Maybe if he lost all his money... He'd stop...
He needs a job, but we live in Europe and its hard for him to find here, he doesn't speak the language, he only has a highschool degree...
he used to work in a school but they didn't extend his contract...
he worked as a chef in a restaurant but it was too exhausting for him( 15 hrs a day standing up).
I don't know if he is going to find a job soon, but I know he needs an occupation, to keep him from thinking about bets.
Thank you for your support :)