Submitted by Tired Silly on 10/02/2014.
I am editing my story, because I feel as if I shared too much identifiable information about myself and my life, which left me feeling really exposed. I will consider resharing at another time when I feel more together. Possibly after I see a counselor. So much of my story is mixed up inside of the chaos of ADHD, and its been so many years, I'm not sure I can untangle myself from it all.
this is an abusive relationship
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
As you describe it, you have lived in an emotionally abusive relationship for a very long time - one that has clearly taken a toll on both your physical and mental health. And no wonder, you have been under an intense amount of stress.
Further (and how do I say this politely) I worry greatly about your niece. It is not normal for a grown man to cuddle with a 16 year old niece. Is it possible that there is something else going on there - unwanted sexual advances, perhaps? You mention his strong feelings about virginity...(this may be a comment that is totally off base...but my antennae when up when I read it...)
I do not think that you wish to stay in a relationship that is literally making you sick and also results in your loathing yourself. If you can afford to do so, I suggest you get a counselor who can help you find the fastest route back to self-love and, probably, out of this relationship. If your health issues interfere with this as a plan, consider moving in with a relative or someone else who can support you as you deserve to be supported during your illness and also help you start to see that there is another world out there different from the one you have been in.
Melissa,
Submitted by Tired Silly on
Melissa,
Thank you for your response. And you said it more than politely. We all saw a counselor (my niece, my husband, and I) because I was concerned. I wasn't concerned that there was something sexual going on, but that he was placing too much responsibility for his wellbeing upon her. It came out during counseling that when he held my niece for the first time, he felt that part of her was our own daughter that had recently passed. He felt foolish for expressing what he felt when she was born, especially because we didn't believe in reincarnation. The counselor felt that since he hadn't had a large part in our daughters life prior to her death, he took up that opportunity with our niece (who needed a father), when she was born. And he has been a huge part of her life. He is, for all intents and purposes, her father. My niece is now 19, in a stable relationship and doing well. I don't know how to explain that I am sure it was not sexual without it sounding like I had my head in the sand, but I didn't, and it wasn't. Thank you though for speaking up.
And you are right. I know that I need to leave. I know I do. But there is some sick part of me that still imagines I can repair this. There is some part of me that says it is my fault. And you are right again, I will start with counseling. I need to develop a sense of self. I feel empty, as if there is no self inside of me.
You mention that it can be changed, that marriages can heal. My husband is willing, but is it possible? I mentioned in the response below that he is no longer jealous, no longer controlling, but that it almost feels as if I am a room mate. I WANT this desperately to work. Can it?
Thank you again.
You are not invisible!
Submitted by Standing on
Tired Silly, you have not disappeared. Your insights are clear and your voice is strong. I am so very sorry for all of the grief that you have endured, and I am so amazed at your tenacity!
You can reach out for help.
My suggestion is to interview counselors over the phone . If you tell them of your health issues, they should be willing to allow for this convenience. That way you can get a feel for whether or not this is someone with whom you can talk. If not the first 1,2,3, or however many, please keep trying!!
And please remember... you are not damaged goods. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are not alone.
Hugs!!!
Thank you. Today I told him I
Submitted by Tired Silly on
Thank you. Today I told him I was finished. I just can't keep doing this. I can't keep arguing the same arguments which take me to a dark place inside of myself. He is no longer jealous, he encourages me to do things on my own. He encourages me to write, to keep going to school. He has grown and matured in a lot of ways. But still, communicating is nearly impossible. I feel ashamed to have even shared my story here. I am considering deleting it. It feels like I am too exposed :)
I want to make this work. I KNOW that he wants to make this work. I just don't know if it is possible. I know that Melissa's story is a happy one, and yet how often does that really happen? How often can all the issues that have accumulated over the years be worked through? Do they need to be worked through?
It is Not Always Happy
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
My story has been happy - but not always. There are times - even for me - when you wonder whether it is possible to continue. My books and this website outline many strategies...but it will take time and a lot of effort to try them...and you don't know if you will succeed. Do you have that energy? Further, you cannot make a relationship work on your own.
And please don't be embarrassed by your story - it is the story of many people and they will be glad to learn they are not alone.