I am 42, add, wife, suffering from ptsd, with adhd, hyper sex drive, husband and we are Blended family. We have been on crazy making, circular communication, unable to resolve conflict for 3-4 years now and I have to get off the crazy train. I have been told that if I would just be a Godly wife, and say yes to sex every time it is requested all, our problems would be solved I just sent my DH this email and was wanting some feedback, Thanks! excuse spelling LOL!
I am choosing TODAY to get off the crazy making cycle with you, It is your choice to join me or not!!
I am angry, and resentful at this moment, and that is mine to resolve, you cant demand I resolve it on your time frame. You have resentments of your own you need to let go of.
Today You can choose to rise above your immeadiate current emotions and feelings and help your wife, you can choose to meet her neglected emotional needs, you can choose to help can yard and house cleaned up OR NOT!
It's your choice!
You can choose to accept that when you neglect your wifes emotional needs, refuse to healthy communication, practice denial, avoidance or withdrawal, it negatively affects your wifes ability to trust, & security, which both affect a WOMANS ability to open up sexually.
Today you can choose to unconditional love and help your wife or not! You can choose to keep doing the same old thing expecting different results or you can choose to try something different.
You can choose to accept that both our actions and behaviors play a part, not just mine!
You can choose to accept that your ability to do the right things depends not on my behavior at all, or you can continue your efforts of control, manipulation, and emotional abuse, that is you choice.
I Love you very much and I am committed to our marriage, I am going to commit to begin taking care of my emotional health, and healing recovery. I will no longer choose to put my emotional health at risk to prove my love or commitment to our marriage. You can choose to support me or not. You can choose unconditional love or not, those are your choices.
You can choose to accept that all the information I have sent your affect our marriage, OR not, its your choice I am going to choice healthy behaviors and choose not to be manipulated by anyone elses unhealthy behaviors.
I apolozie for screaming at lunch please forgive me.
I am going to choose not to scream at you any more to try and get you to hear me, you can choose to hear, and read exactly what I am saying or your can choose to hear or read with your feelings, its your choice. I am choicing HEALTHY. If we disagree on what healthy looks like and you refuse to trust factual documented material, please discuss that with your therapist or doctor and we will agree to disagree, with out manipulation, control, or screaming.
If you feel that what I have stated above is incorrect, I give you permission to print of and show to your therapist, dr. for their opinion, please do not send me a angry reply stating that you feel I am being controlling or attacking by this email. Please show to whom ever for an opinion.
You can choose to have healthy realistic expectations or not, that is your choice, please do not blame me if I do not meet your expectation for lack of knowing what it is, your time frame, or what ever. We each are responsible for managing our own expectations.
You can choose to accept that we each are responsible for any negative thoughts, perceptions, or conclusions, that might be totally incorrect and not valid of what the other is saying or doing.
You can choose to accept where I am today or not!!
I am willing to healthily negotiate any issue with you using healthy communication skills.
Again, I am sorry I screamed at you I was wrong please forgive me.
I Love you and I am committed to our marriage, I MUST get off this crazy carousel we have been on for years!!!!!!
Love,
Your Wife
Hello
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dogbabies,
Wow! Good for you.
I am 42, add, wife, suffering from ptsd, with adhd, hyper sex drive, husband and we are Blended family. Could you clarify this a bit for me? Sorry, I just got confused trying to understand. I am reading that you are 42, the wife, and have a blended family. Do you and your DH both have ADHD? Who has the PTSD, you or your DH?
I have been told that if I would just be a Godly wife, and say yes to sex every time it is requested all, our problems would be solved.
I have heard this a number of times over the years from the church leaders to whom I went for help. I tired it for many years. I decided it was a bunch of horse pocky. Very one sided.
(LOL, I came back to edit this past paragraph. It should have said I tried it for many years, but it is sorta funny because I did get tired of it.)
Other than the PTSD, I can relate to each item in your post. Sometimes the similarities and patterns are uncanniy in marriages with one or both ADHD partners.
Liz
Same old thing
Submitted by dogbabbies on
It's 3am and same old behavior!!! I told DH last night, that we needed to wipe slat clean, make amends for all hurts from past, start fresh and utilize healthy conflict resolution skills and learn more about aad / adhd in marriage so we could get off the crazy train. I could tell he could not stand it that he did'nt have anything to blame me for. I told him that we needed to negotiate sex frequency so there be no unrealistic expectations. That whole conversation was so EXHAUSTing for me, especially with my ptsd. I tried to remain calm and have correct tone of voice. I have told him that whenI'm frustrated and he has the power to diffuse or exculate situation!! GUESS what that DH God gave me choose....... by the time we got in bed it was 1:30 we talked about his day, I was still frustrated from the whole wipe stlate clean talk, and I had told him in conversation that I feared he was going to use it against me about sex. and dang gum if he did'nt do exactly thatI He asked why I chose to come to bed with attitude and be closed off. I said I am not closed off, we just talked but that I was still frustrated from earlier conversation and that it took me long time to get emotionally regulated. I was almost asleep and he accused meof with holding sex from him. I told him that sex every night of your married life was an UNrealistic expectation and chose to continue pushing triggers till ugly PTSD monster in me came out, And it's all down hill from there!!! I swear I tried so hard, and for him to purposely push the buttons that release the beast of PTSD that he knows I can't control. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him he just showed me he loves conditional based on me having sex with him every night, that he just could not stand it that we had clean slate, he had to have something to hold against me and blame me for, and in sickness part of marriage did'nt mean anything to him. Now I can't breath, panic attack. Pleas someone tell me why the hell at 2:15 in morning when we have to get up at 6:30, would you on PURPOSE push your wife, KNOWING that PTSD DEMON will come out???????? He need that crap on purpose.... what the hell!!! I have no words except selfish, self centered, JACK A__!!!!!!!!!!! I give up!!!
As much as I like sex, it's not the answer for every problem...
Submitted by c ur self on
As much as I like sex...it's not the cure all...I like your email...
It's sounds like you should do some real good research to find a well thought of Christian Counselor in your area...My wife and I stayed on this same crazy carousel for 4.5 years, until we got help...w/o all the sex:(....Anyway you and he both have needs and selfishness and denial...will not fill them....When your emotional needs are meet he want have to worry about sex, he will experience real Love-making, you both will:)...I sure hope y'all can get there, It take's acceptance!...Don't take it to seriously, if at first he is a little blind to your email...Some of us men hate to say we are wrong about anything. Humility doesn't come naturally... Plus, you didn't get here over night, nor will you change it all overnight...So patient's is important....God Bless you!
Oh and this what I don't
Submitted by dogbabbies on
Oh and this what I don't understand. Sex. Not physical touch but sex has become his love language and the only way he feels loved. And I'm like I don't think that's correct. Sorry was just wanting male opinion on that one.
Don't read too many books:)
Submitted by c ur self on
Everything about physical intimacy builds like a fire in a man until the release...For me to physically touch my wife, and stop there w/out the release is for me to suffer emotional stress and with physical discomfort, and if enough touching was done even in severe testicular pain...
Edit....I do not mean, that a couple should not be able to experience some closeness, w/o intercourse....But, if intercourse isn't going to be the final outcome then to get the male overly worked up isn't really wise.