I don't know if "conflict seeking" is the right way to describe this or not.
I don't even know if it's his problem, my problem, or a mutual problem.
Basically, every discussion, every disagreement, and every expression of negative emotion on my part-- it all turns into a fight. Zero to yelling in 10 setconds flat.
In 16 years, I haven't been able to find a way out.
If I state my opinion, it's an argument.
If I advocate for my point of view, I'm being controlling and aggressive and it's an argument.
If I try to guess his opinion, I'm being a people-pleaser, and it's an argument.
If I try to extract his opinion so I can agree with it, I'm being passive-aggressive and it's an argument.
If I talk about negative emotions (anger, fear, sadness, grief, hopelessness), I shouldn't feel that way, and it's an argument.
If I talk to someone else about negative emotions instead, that's emotional adultery, and it's an argument.
If I just don't talk, that's withholding, and passive-aggression, and it's an argument.
If I just don't react, that's withholding, and passive-aggression, and it's an argument.
Short of smiling all the time and making lots of smalltalk, there is NOTHING I CAN DO that isn't going to turn into an argument (and smalltalk isn't safe either; sooner or later I will make a mistake that can be turned into an argument).
This has always been taxing. Several years ago, I got so tired of it that I decided to just do the submissive wife thing. Smile all the time, always be available for sex, make no demands of him, keep all my feelings to myself, jump to meet every request, not pursue any interest that wasn't in his immediate service, say "YES" to everything. I enjoyed the NOT ARGUING. After about 5 years of that, I had a complete nervous breakdown. Which was, of course, my fault. And AN ARGUMENT that has been ongoing since 2011 (when I finally ended up in the hospital wanting to kill myself).
I'm a nervous wreck. I can't go back to being a submissive wife again (he won't allow it-- now it has to turn into an argument even if I say "YES" to everything). I can't handle everything being an argument any more. The mere thought of having to speak unless I'm saying something like, "I love you honey" or "What do you want for breakfast honey?" makes me shaky and sick to my stomach.
Either the arguments have to stop, or we have to separate.
And separating isn't an option. Our kids are too little, and it's common knowledge that either I would relinquish all parental rights and walk away or it would be the custody battle from Hell.
ETA-- Self-awareness on his part isn't going to happen. I KNOW how painful self-awareness can be for the variously disordered (I'm an Aspie-- I would love to stop being obsessively self-aware every waking moment, but I understand that that is something I must never, ever allow myself to do b/c The Beast Autism will slip it's leash if I relax my guard). I would NEVER wish that pain on him. Plus, as painful as constant obsessive self-awareness is for me, at least I had the blessing of a loving, supportive, basically emotionally healthy family growing up. He didn't. He was subjected to an almost total lack of support and constant and unending low-to-moderate level verbal and emotional abuse. His self-esteem, while it looks great on the outside, is a fragile and hollow shell. He could never sustain self-awareness without completely and totally crashing.
If there's going to be a change that stops the arguments, I'm going to have to be the one to make it.
If there's going to be a
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
If there's going to be a change that stops the arguments, I'm going to have to be the one to make it.
I certainly understand your comment. One of the answers I have never found is how to have a communication with my spouse without all the scenarios you described happening. I try to focus solely on my own words, my own thoughts, my own emotions. . . . .yet I fully know I am not a machine. I cannot just program my self to have the perfect response, and the perfect tone, and the perfect ability to "not let it get to me."
I spent many years doing everything in my own power to fix and control and mediate and shush, and smooth, and mediate. It was all too much. Now, my goal is to get to the place where I feel the validation and acknowledgement I need. There are many wounds that have occurred. It is very hard to try to convince myself that "the past is the past and I must focus on the future." Some parts of the past need to be acknowledged - at the very least. Healing of some sort is necessary to move forward. Wish I was that wonderwoman who could just shake it all off, and say it doesn't matter. Because it does.
Liz
i hear you
Submitted by Alliberri on
You just described my first marriage. I left. I had three children 9,8,7 and with the support of a good therapist, friends and one cousin - got out. I got some therapy and went back, two months into the relationship I knew that I couldn't do it, saved up pocket change for 18 months in order to put down a damage deposit on a rental, went to social services for assistance and left for good. I had very little to offer in the way of job skills, but i didn't want my kids having to feel afraid and crazy too. (my guy was physically abusive as well) I dug in, got a job, got two jobs, got three jobs, and then found my way into school, and with us four people bonding and banding together we made a life for ourselves. It took 9 years to get my divorce through, but it was worth it. We had some custody issues, but I consulted a lawyer as to my rights and things went along as smoothly as possible because I CHOSE to have a life that was about peace and harmony. It was really hard work, and my kids have some things they are working through now even as adults - but life would be boring without something! : ) lol
Sadly, i am in a relationship with another ADD - I suppose that this is as bad as my bad boys get, but - I am still convinced that my health and sanity is more important than trying to compensate. I am glad that we have no kids - and that the door has always been open. I will feel badly when things fall apart - badly for him because this is a repeat of his first marriage and if he doesn't get help for these issues when we get back (we are on a 9 month road trip) - then we are done. I have been through this, life is short and I am not going to try and get through another tough relationship. I will be happier alone then with someone that makes me feel angry and lonely all the time.
Here's to our health and happiness.
I'm not sure that communication is possible.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I have noticed the following....
1) When my H is calm and not upset about anything, I can have a discussion....but....
2) As soon as he is later emotional about something, any "good results" that came from the earlier "Good discussion" no longer exist, and often aren't even remembered....he'll often deny that any "good decisions" were ever made or if they were made, then he was forced into them or some other crazy excuse.
.
Well, there are a lot of
Submitted by AlphabetSoup on
Well, there are a lot of ADHDers out there, so I guess it's logical that we're going to find them!! It's not as if they don't have plenty of attractive qualities!!
Honestly life would suck around here without Hubby and his ADHD. I have incredibly fond memories of growing up with my Dad-- two ASDers up a holler alone together. It was AutHeaven all right-- driven by practicality, scheduled to the hour, repetitive,hidebound, and duller than dogshit.
The only exciting things that ever happened were Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years', weather events, political arguments, and new animals wandering into the yard. And books. Ninety percent of our excitement came vicariously through media. Twenty years later I can still recite the order of the evening, every weekday evening except the third Thursday of the month, every week of my life all through high school. Home-at-315-feed-water-and-rotate-the-dogs-and-fill-the-bird-feeders. Have-a-snack-then-put-on-laundry-dust-or-change-the-beds. Sweep-and-mop-while-watching-International-Hour. Start-homework. Thaw-out-meat-at-530. Daddy-home-at-610-put-lunch-bucket-in-the-sink-and-go-check-the-animals. Put-dinner-on-and-have-a-cigarette-and-two-glasses-of-paisano-while-its-cooking. Dinner-at-seven-one-protein-one-starch-two-veggies-and-a-fruit-water-for-him-milk-for-me-because-females-are-more-prone-to-osteoporosis. Watch-MASH-and-Crossfire-while-we-eat. Wash-glasses-first-then-silverware-then-plates-then-pots. Done-by-830-have-a-glass-of-paisano-and-a-cup-of-tea-smoke-one-cigarette-brush-floss-and-go-to-bed. Me-finish-homework-watch-MASH-again-at-11-and-go-to-bed.
We were so darn practical that we redid the drywall, got it primed, and liked the primer so much that we never did bother spending good money on paint. 25 years later, the walls in that house are still putty colored. We never thought to change it and got sort of grumpy if the TV lineup changed or the grocery store was out of paisano when we went (always on the third Thursday of the month--and ordered the same thing at the same Dairy Queen and sat in the same places at the same booth). we loved our life just the way it was, but-- God, doesn't that sound horribly sterile to you normal people?? I believe my stepmom wanted to SCREAM when she first walked into that putty-colored house and clockwork life!!!! She made some things change up, and Daddy hated it at first, but IT WAS GOOD!!
Point of all that rambling is, it's not as if an ADHD spouse is without redeeming qualities. Mine has got plenty, not least among them that I would be naturally inclined to make life one-protein-one-starch-and-two-veggies, putty-colored-primer, set-your-watch-by-what-we're-doing dull without him around. Our lives (mine and the kids') are decidedly better with him than without. We need each other-- non-autistic kids aren't meant to live a putty-colored life of clockwork routine (and it probably isn't exactly good for ASD kids either!!!!!).
I just need to put an end to a large percentage of the arguments. Or at least figure out how to stop getting upset by them. Because by and large, him AND his ADHD are necessary to making life work as oddly well as it seems to for us. Besides which fact, we all love each other very much.
I wonder if maybe he's doing it, unconsciously, basically for the neurotransmitters. Movement, excitement, and new things make dopamine, arguing or other oh-my-gosh-a-tiger! stimulation makes adrenaline, and ADHD craves more of both because there isn't naturally enough. Pick fight with wife equals adrenaline. Am I onto something?? Would finding another source of a hormone bump help the situation??