Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on 08/06/2015.
doea anyone else's spouse have trouble with work? My husband recently left working with family to pursue a better paying job he was quite capable of that he did in the past, wound up having serious issues working from home now... And since has had zero ambition to search for a job... He doesnt look online, doesn't go into town, doesnt utilize family connections... He just sits home with our dog and watches youtube videos all day... History stuff, conspiracy theories, online shows, etc. He just gets really defensive when i ask him what he did all day... And i think he thinks because he takes care of the dog, cleans and cooks, that hes just excused from having to answer...
Yes, my husband has trouble
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes, my husband has trouble with jobs. He worked for several years as a computer science researcher and eventually was let go when the project funding was not renewed. Understandable, except employees in similar situations at that workplace would usually be rehired for different projects. My husband wasn't. He was then unemployed for five or six years. He didn't look for work and sat at home, spending much of the time while our daughters were at school engaging in flame wars on the Internet. Finally, he applied for a job and got it. It was one for which he was ill-suited but he tried to make a go of it. Unfortunately, after five years or so, he was fired. He left his work vehicle on, in gear, and the vehicle rolled back and hit a tree. He has not applied for any jobs in the ensuing six years. He does work; he provides caregiving services for his sick, elderly parents. It's not a good situation. He doesn't get along with his dad, he's not paid very much, he never gets time off, and he's reluctant to ask for help from his siblings. Him doing this work and never communicating with me has been the nail in the coffin of our marriage.
There seems to be two extremes with ADHD people....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Either they seem to be able to use their ADHD to their advantage and be very careful and devoted employees or successful self-employed people or they seem to be unstable/unreliable employees or under-performing self-employed people.
H has many family members with ADHD. He is the only one who was a successful wage-earner (now retired with an excellent pension). HIs father, self-employed in a field that should have netted him a very large income, made just enough money to keep the family afloat. One of H's brothers has only worked a couple years in his whole life. Another brother is an attorney, but only works part-time (which drives his wife crazy) because he wants to spend his time on his hobbies. The youngest brother has had a series of jobs due to several firings, but since he's single, he gets by.
I think one thing made it easier for my H to be successful was that he loved what he did for a living and it allowed him to hyper-focus when needed, but also allowed him down-time during his lazy and procrastination times. It's in H's nature not to miss deadlines, so even if procrastinated a bit, he always "kicked into gear" when a deadline was looming and produced flawless work. He always had a lot of freedom with his career, and he often got to work alone, which for him was a good thing. Towards the end of his career, his job requirements changed and were no longer that "good fit," so it was good that the change came when he could retire. If that change had happened 10+ years ago, he would not have had the successes that he did. Towards the end of his career he had to work more closely with others, and that did not work out well.
H's brothers are a sorry case of wage-earners following in their dad's footsteps. They're determined to do what they want, even if it means earning little or nothing. They are all well-educated, so there's no excuse except for their ADHD.
Yes, dear H will say don't
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
Yes, dear H will say don't worry ill gey a job or ill never be without a job, but yet his actions dont match up to his words and then he wonders why im so stressed out about bills... His answer is always something either extreme or defensive, never anything reasonable... And the truth is he doesnt know what he wants to do... What he went to school for he never pursued, worked with family for years, knows a few very small niche areas that dont afford many opportunities and then he always used to say how much he missed working in the restaurant business- waiting tables, etc. Its not exactly the career path i wanted for him, but at this point if it makes him happy and gets him up and out then so be it...but now his excuse is he hasn't done it in 8 yrs.., what changes about waiting tables? i just want a partner that is going to pull his on weight and be ambitious because i didnt work my butt off to go to school and make a good salary to live paycheck to paycheck... Ive never lived like this before.. Plus we have an apt we are going to re-rent out... Its the upstairs of my house...i think he feels that when that happens, it buys him more time because its some extra income, so i wont be on his case....why is any of this fair?
It's not fair...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I know that I could never tolerate an H who didn't bring in a regular decent paycheck. That may sound heartless, but I know that about myself. I wouldn't even be in this marriage anymore if I weren't financially tied to my H.
>>> H will say don't worry ill gey a job or ill never be without a job, but yet his actions dont match up to his words<<<
that's their "go to" words to shut you up. I can't tell you how many times H says something that doesn't match with reality just to "shut me up". H will say that I never nag, and I don't, but if I say something like, "please make sure that you don't leave the ice cream on the counter while you're looking for something in the freezer, " H will say something like, "I won't ever do that again. I learn from my mistakes." Ha ha, the following day he'll do it again, and he won't even process that he made that declaration the day before!
About 10 years ago, we went to a "couples therapist" and I brought up a recent event where H got drunk and became very verbally abusive. H didn't want to have this discussed with the therapist (likely embarrassed), so he said, "I'm never going to drink again, so I'm taking that issue off the table, so there's no need to talk about it anymore." He just said that to shut me up. The therapist should have taken control and said something like, "no, it's not that simple. Very likely, you will drink again. You're just saying that because the subject is uncomfortable for you. Your wife is right to bring the subject up. " Again, this was 10 years ago, since then H has had hundreds of drunken nights, hundreds of drunken rages, he's been in rehab, etc. A couple of times I have reminded him of his "famous words" to the therapist just to remind him that his declarations don't mean poop.
I would encourage him to start waiting tables again. Not much has changed since he did that last. I would make it an ultimatum that he gets some kind of good paying job within 3 months or the marriage is over. There is no way that I'd support an able bodied husband. And I don't consider ADHD as a reason to not work.
In fact, I find that some ADHD people thrive in work environments when there's an immediate reward (like tips or commission sales).
Totally agree
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
The immediate reward thing is so true- for anything with my husband... Instant gratification and sign him up... If he has to work for it, wait for it, have patience or repeat something, forget it... Ill be lucky we dont have holes in walls, broken appliances/electronics, etc. So i can see where yes being in the restaurant industry would be good for him... My fear is the conflict with my job, never seeing each other and him being tempted in an industry filled with drugs and infidelity...
I do find it extremely difficult to justify going to work all day amd coming home to see my husband hasnt sent out a single resume or even looked at potential jobs..instead he shows me things "i have to watch" on you tube or pictures he sketched... I feel like saying is this what u effin did all day? Meanwhile at the therapist this week when i literally broke down in tes about feeling overwhelmed with whats on my plate, his solution was well then ill drive to Jersey to work in my brothers pizza place to make some quick cash... Why does he need to drive to jersey to do that when 50 places in the neighborhood are looking for help? Whats rational there?
Today i sent him two ads to do admin work in carpet/flooring offices which is what he did for his fam... Didnt even acknowledge i sent them?! Instead when we were outside and i was bumming a little, mostly in my head because i would like to go out and enjoy the summer, eat out a little, be with friends, but we are living paycheck to paycheck...he asks me whats wrong... So i sort of indicate that im a little frustrated and feel like the summer is almost over and we never really did anything and hes like so it's my fault, why do u make me feel so bad, cant you appreciate what we have... Last time i checked his bills were all being paid for by me... Dont i get to enjoy any of it?
lol
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< his solution was well then ill drive to Jersey to work in my brothers pizza place to make some quick cash... Why does he need to drive to jersey to do that when 50 places in the neighborhood are looking for help? Whats rational there? <<<
While it may not make the best of sense, why not just say, "Ok"? Why not just let him go work at his brother's place? I'd call his bluff.
Yes
Submitted by redhead1017 on
My husband has been unemployed now for five years. He does a lot of work around the house and takes care of some of the kid stuff, but most of the time I end up having to step in because he's so abrasive and refused to understand that yelling at people doesn't usually produce the results you're looking for.
He stopped applying for jobs after his last interview a few months ago. He doesn't keep up with the advancements in his field and so it's difficult to find work as he's both over and under qualified.
Now he's got it in his head that he's going to make a living on eBay, which is just another way for him to justify spending a ton of money on his collection. I believe he's been very depressed as well. But I'm seeing some good activity around possibly making this business work - we'll see.
He's been unemployed most of our married life. I gave up several years ago on him ever contributing to the household financially. He would love to work, but he seems to interview really poorly.
My husband doesnt interview
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
My husband doesnt interview super well either because he interviews how he speaks normally... He interrupts, doesnt listen and assumes he knows what someone is going to say... I wind up writing his resumes and cover letters because he writes in run on sentences...its just a bit of a mess...
i guess i dont call his bluff about going to jersey because i think its ridiculous and unnecessary...i know my husband and if i challenge him about it, he WILL go and whats the point? There are plenty of jobs here close to home?
This is what worked for us.
Submitted by Emily1997 on
This is what worked for us. ADHD people who think now, not now, never...work good in the now so if your ADHD partner can find a job that is in the now they do better. Usually not working with people who seem to annoy them in any case. So if they can work on cars or something with a checklist or smaller area of focus it might help. Also assuring there is down time for the brain in their area of interest such as TV, playing music. Cooking, exercise is also good. I think something where they wear a uniform is good since my DH will want to reorganize his closet every time he has to pick out an outfit or put clothing away. Something quick paced/physical such as stocking store shelves or sorting packages for UPS, moving furniture, IT jobs if regulated so they don't get lost in computer time zones. I have a relative who manages several properties and does the handyman work, one little project after another although he admits he could not do it if he weren't medicated. Watch out for co-existing stuff such as depression which would also deter them.
It just sucks when u go from
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
It just sucks when u go from having a good job and making a great salary to not being able to even look for a job and now resorting to things like sorting boxes or moving furniture, u know? Its hard to even wrap my head around the regression...
hope it is temporary
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I only suggest the basic job as something to keep them functioning in the work place. My idea is that the $ won't matter as much as just getting out there to find something and get out of the stimulating substitute of video games, YouTube. Their focus stays on what is stimulating so if the good paying job isn't stimulating it becomes the problem. There might be something else preventing them from looking for a job. My BIL had a health issue that forced him to stop work. The health issue resolved but he would not look for months and then we figured out he was dealing with depression. There is coaching for interviews and sometimes you can get places to do practice interviews for free, you have to find them. I used to do that when I worked for Kelly Temp. to help people get better jobs. There is a good video on YouTube that I just sent to my niece, ADD & cannot hold a job. "Worst & Best Jobs for ADD" Gina Laudon. We struggle as my husband becomes bored w/ his job so we introduce other things for stimulation....CrossFit is the current thing. It is a struggle.
And still no job... Hasn't
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
And still no job... Hasn't sent a resume or even looked online and it's been over 3 months now since he's officially unemployed... But two hours to learn how to Dj on his phone with a new app or watching cat videos on YouTube for hours is ok?..
I guess his claim of "I'll never be without a job....."
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
means nothing?
Isn't it frustrating when they say those trite statements, likely believing them at the time, but in reality there is no "there there"?
So what are you going to do? How long will you tolerate this?
The answer is... I dont know.
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
The answer is... I dont know...
at least he's not totally being a bum... He cooks and cleans, does laundry.. But these things we would need to do anyway... There was a point in time when he was so depressed when he had a job that he didnt even get out of bed... So i guess i'd rather this then the former, even though the former had a paycheck (which when laying in bed all day wasn't going to last anyway)...
but to come home from a very taxing job and working multiple overtime shifts and hear me complain about barely being able to pay bills, and now the holidays coming up... Plus our therapist saying hey you don't need to get a forever job, just get back out there... You'd think he'd want to help me out a bit... Afterall a few days ago he broke his phone like a child when i said id be home late from work because i was taking a little extra OT... Meanwhile, little does he know, im thinking of picking up a second small side gig if it works out...
And ive passed comments like "well we cam replace your ripped shirt or stained shorts" when i can pay some bills and you get a job... Or get the carpet cleaned... Or "i wish you'd spend that amount of time looking for a job" (talking about the amount of time he spends watching videos... I've told his mother that i dont think he wants to go back to work either, but she's in her late 70s, i dont want to bother her with this...
It's like he doesnt know where or what to focus his energy on, so he just doesnt start... He has like a block... Meanwhile all my relationships suffer because im depressed, dont feel like socializing, have no money to go out or entertain... Just go to work and pay bills...
Afterall a few days ago he broke his phone like a child when i s
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>> Afterall a few days ago he broke his phone like a child when i said id be home late from work because i was taking a little extra OT... Meanwhile, little does he know, im thinking of picking up a second small side gig if it works out...<<<
So he broke his phone purposely in anger? I hope you're not going to replace it. If he wants it replaced, he needs to have a job to pay for it.
I told him i wasnt replacing
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
I told him i wasnt replacing it... But he told his mother he dropped it and she gave him the money... Then i said to Her im sorry he made you pay for that (because shes older and shouldnt have to be shelling out money for him) and i told her why i wasnt paying for it and she goes oh well he didnt tell me he broke he, he said it fell...
the best was last night... Ive been studying to take a really big exam for re-licensing and i had the teat yesterday... A 4-5hr exam... So after taking that and then mental exhaustion that comes along with it, he's the "tired" one at night, because he cleaned the floors... Maybe im wrong, but i feel like he has no right to complain here!
This morning, starts questioning me how long it takes me to get to work, did i need to leave this early, isn't it a little much...? Meanwhile its the same routine ive always had and i told him just last night i was meeting up with "the boss" in the morning...that i wanted to be prepared... Got all angry, told me i had an attitude, got in my face... I wanted to punch him!
This morning, starts questioning me how long it takes me to get
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< This morning, starts questioning me how long it takes me to get to work, did i need to leave this early, isn't it a little much...? <<<
Why does he care if you leave early in the morning to go to work? Is it because he sees how dedicated you are and that makes him "feel bad" because he's not also diligent?
What did he say that you have an "attitude" about? Getting to work early to prepare for a meeting? Or that your attitude of hard work is an attitude he doesn't like?
Heck, own it...say "yes, I've got an attitude. How is my attitude wrong?" lol
Im not sure what my "attitude
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
Im not sure what my "attitude" was about.. I admit ive been on edge recently with my exam and especially with financials, but i hate to say i almost am entitled to it... His bad moods or attitudes or complaints make me so infuriated because deep down i feel like what have you done to even deserve to complain? For 3 months you've been taken care of, your bills have been paid and you've been allowed to just sit at home and "recover."
Yesterday he went on a whole rant via text while i was at work saying how if the therapist had counseled him correctly and told him to take a leave of abscence, we would be in a different position... I told him its not the therapists job to make your decisions, its about learning to cognitively work through your thoughts and learn for yourself to make better decisions...
Im going to be 32, im married 2 and a half years and how is it that i already feel checked out?
Im going to be 32, im married 2 and a half years and how is it t
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Im going to be 32, im married 2 and a half years and how is it that i already feel checked out?
>>>
I completely understand why you feel checked out. Why are you staying? Do you want to support him financially for the rest of your life?
I'm curious.....what do either partners' parents say/think of their daughters (in law) working to support their sons (in laws)? (or unmarried partners)
I know that my parents would have had fits if my husband had not been fully employed during our marriage. I'm certain that my dad would have been saying, "throw the bum out. He'll get a job once he loses his gravy train."
The parents view
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
Well my parents dont currently know he's unemployed... One because my husband didnt want them to know because he didnt want to seem like a failure to them... Secondly because my family is overly nosy, protective and meddling to begin with... I already have enough stress on my plate that i dont need to listen to them stress and bitch that im thw only one bringing in a paycheck and that's a burden on me and how im run dry and its not fair and potentially whatever negative comments they want to call him... Last time i checked i knew all these things and dont need them reinforced... So i have also chose to keep them in the dark, although i sort of suspect they have figured it out on their own because they ask how his job is, if hes bringing home enough money, is he working enough because it seems likes he's always home, etc...
His father is dead and his mother is late 70s, early 80s... I dont think she really understands the scope of her son's issues...i know she recognizes the sacrifices i have had to make and she "prays" he will get a job soon, but thats about it...
Meanwhile i am sick again... Bad cold, asthma flare, etc... And for someone who is living pretty stress free right now, to have these anger outbursts like a child when he gets even mildly frustrated or annoyed with anything is unacceptable... I just yelled at him and took his phone away before he broke it again because he was getting annoyed at txts from his brother... I told him his behavior was unacceptable and im tired of it and while im sick im def not dealing with this...
View from the bookkeepers desk
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
My spouse works his butt off. His business drives me crazy sometimes. I've said it before, he is 'working' from the minute he opens his eyes, till the minute he falls asleep. We live in the same place as the business - office in the house - so it is with us 24/7/365.
His gifts are in knowing his trade inside out, and having the creativity of seeing problems with a set of eyes that can solve most issues. He is creative. He knows his trade. He is a people person. He is a social butterfly. He can easily walk in a room of strangers and make friends a mile a minute. He can strike up a conversation with anyone.
The administration end of the business is affected by his difficulties with executive function. In Liz's judgment, time blindness is one of the worst problems. It enters into play in what time he gets up and goes to bed, being on time for jobs, how late in the day he is actually working, how many hours he devotes to any project - job, home repair, etc. , lunch time, breaks.
I regret my own actions over the years. I wanted to help him. I got myself so wrapped up into the administration, and trying to "run" things that I made a big mess of working atmosphere between him and I. I have business skills. I have organizational skills. I have accounting skills. I cannot believe how much time I spent trying to get him to see how valuable I am. Wasted effort. If he didn't want to see it, he couldn't. I feel so disappointed at myself. I got myself stuck in a never-ending pounding my head against the wall. I didn't know it was wasting my time. Now I know.
The bottom line, I think was "billable hours." There are many hours worked, but a different amount that can be billed to a customer.
What I hope - he will be willing to let someone outside of anyone we know, assess the situation and give us some options.
I am working on college. I AM excited about teaching - I am NOT excited about trying to kick start a career at age 56. I am very resentful about the need for figuring out a financial solution. It is a continuation of what my life has been. the weight on my shoulders is over-the-top and want it lifted. I have been juggling finances, robbing Peter to pay Paul. . . .refinancing over and over and over. It was not the best thing to do.
Liz