Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 09/06/2015.
My friend asked me if my boyfriend meets my needs, no I said, none of them. I now look at how far over the other side of the line I have allowed myself to be pulled and how much I do for him. I now resent doing anything for him and if I have to do anything because I don't want to live in a messy house for example, I feel extremely angry. Then I feel depressed because he just sits there looking lost and I know how my anger has just affected him, but I cannot go on like this, I feel totally trapped and honestly thought it would be better if I wasn't here anymore. Everything seems to stress me, I feel like I'm at breaking point.
He's not meeting your needs...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Why do you stay?
How long have you been together?
What needs is he not meeting? (I believe you, I'm just asking for specifics.)
Could It Be, That The Two of You Just Don't Fit....
Submitted by kellyj on
well together? I'm asking this based on my ex-wife and I. We were together for over 12 years and loved each other right until the end. Having said that....we were not a good fit and this seemed to be the only real problem we had between us. As they say opposites attract and this was the case with us. This is also the source for conflict as well. As time passes....those differences become less attractive and more intolerable all the time. Unless you are really easily adaptable to change and your tolerance is really high to lots of different situations.....eventually you end up like you are.
This sounds so familiar to me which is why I am speculating? You can love someone and want to be with them so badly that you are willing to stay and try to accept things and still not be able to and find that nothing you do or try will change how you feel. I'm not talking about real concrete problems and issues that are so easy to see that everyone would agree that these things would be completely unacceptable however......the smaller things start to become big ones and everything the other person does seems to annoy you and make you irritable after a while. I'm talking about under normal conditions without any major fires going on in your relationship. Another way to put this is simply saying that you learn not to like them after a while even when you love and care for them very much and would never do anything to hurt them since you still respect them and hold them in high esteem.
What you said about not meeting any of your needs could be that he tries and simply can't seem to do it. That would fit also your comment about him looking lost. Is it really the messy house that is the problem or is that just the icing on the cake? What line are you talking about that you have moved so far over? Which line is this....your's or his? Does he even have a line or do you know where that is? We're talking boundaries here of course but it is how you worded it.
For my ex and I....she may have sighted my messy house habits as THE problem at the end or when she got to the same place you are....but that really wasn't the overall problem. As best I could and wanted too very much....she needed a different person entirely. Someone who was more like herself in all ways not just house cleaning. I'm saying this in my case because a spotless house and perfect habits were not a big concern for her either. She was relatively messy in her own habits compared for example to my wife who is very much a neat freak by definition.
And I on the same token....needed someone she was not and was never going to be. Throughout our relationship....she would repeatedly say " I can't give you what you want right now " but she could never say exactly why. I tried to give her what she wanted and it never seemed good enough or the right thing. Neither one of those were really true either.....we both had to be someone we were not to be together......and then try and give from that place in order for it to work. Trying to do that for someone out of love is noble but it leaves you empty and feeling unfulfilled. Putting on pretenses is like putting on a show or an act if it's not who you are and it feels phony and contrived. Messy habits on my end was only one thing that confronted us but it wasn't the deal breaker or the thing that was really the source of the problem. Being opposites in mostly every way was the forest from the trees with us.
I found an interesting site on personality types which had a really good chart on the different types and their corresponding maladaptive pathologies. I thought this was really a good way to see the healthy and the non healthy side of each personality to better understand that not everything you see as different about another person is necessarily bad, disordered or a problem. Sometimes people are just different and you don't like it. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them when that happens? I pulled the types that fit me and my personalty from the list to give you and idea of how things do not always fit neatly into one category or package. All of these apply to me to some degree or another and it was interesting for me to see how some counter balanced the other and where my unhealthier tendencies come from. As I read down the list myself.....it was easy for me to go " wow.....that would not be a good fit for me!" when thinking of another person.
Anyway....I included the link if you are interested.
Personality Type Basic Desire/ Pleasure Basic Fear/Distress Personality Disorder
Me....
Conscientious perfection imperfection Obsessive-Compulsive
Sensitive acceptance rejection Avoidant
Serious duty and responsibility being unprepared for the worst Depressive
Idiocyncratic non-conformity conformity Schitzotypal
Leisurely freedom to do as one pleases compulsory activity Passive aggressive
Adventurous adventure routine Antisocial
Mercurial relationship being alone Borderline
Artistic creativity not being able to create Cylothymic
link: http://psyed.org/r/pers/pt/type_passions.html
J
interesting points
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on
Good Question???
Submitted by kellyj on
I've asked the same one myself? I know that being abused when I was young set me up to be taken advantage of by Narcs. I've done a lot of research and soul searching to come to that same conclusion myself. It does appear in respects to this that they seem to seek me out more than I do them (are you kidding....if I only could go back in time!!! lol)
Like I have a target on my back or something! lol At this point I do know why and understand this but to that same question.....how do I stop them from seeking me out?? LOL
I do know some the these answers already and have already applied which does appear to work. Narcs do not like boundaries in other people....this will turn them off in a hurry but not to say they will not keep trying and coming bak to the well just to make sure it's still dry. I liken it to a Coyote who is fenced outside a chicken coup and keeps running the fence line looking for an opportunity or way in. I still see this happening with me and I still get caught off guard by it from not being able to recognize this right off the bat. Now I notice it sooner than later which is good thing for me but it's still frustrating and irritating that they pick me to focus on in the first place! errrrrrrrrrr
From what I read boiling this down.....people who are manipulators and abusers seek those who they can abuse and have a keen sense for this and their radar is tuned to find people like me.
But base on this theory.....there is a maladaptive counter part out there for each of us in this same way....best thing for you to do is be healthy and balanced yourself and not be a vacuum for these people who ever they are?
And I don't know which is worse? Someone who needs to be rescued (dependent /victim type?) .....or and aggressive Narc abuser? I choose neither!! lol
But to answer your question.....I think we do attract people and not fully understand why that is? In that respect like you are saying.....this is not necessarily anything you are doing to create this. If you are a healthy care giving type person (in a healthy way)....both the healthy and unhealthy versions of these people will be attracted to you.
In my case.....the counter part or healthy side of someone who is a Narcissist is self confident personality type. That in itself is not a bad quality or something you would necessarily not see as attractive yourself.
For you the healthy personality type of a dependent disorder is a devoted personality type. Not a bad thing for someone to be. Just the opposite in fact. A devoted person would make a good choice to be in a long term trusted relationship with?
I think it's just good to be aware of the other side of the types you attract and keep an eye out for those qualities as red flags so you will know the difference. This is in essence.....what I had to do and learn as much as I could about Narcs for that reason alone. For me.....dependent types don't seek me out as much but interestingly......my ex wife fit this model pretty well and this wasn't a good fit either as I said.....very much opposites in that regard. I think I mentioned this before that she mistook me for a rescuer but instead....I'm a fixer. Not so subtle a difference in reality but still similar looking from the outside? And in that case.....I sought her out and was attracted to her first as that worked out..... but it had more to do with the fact that we knew each other for 3 years and were friends before we started dating. Our friendship together kind of blinded me from seeing that side of her and I just wasn't as aware of these things then as I am now.
Anyway......God Damn Narcs..... Just leave me alone !!!! LOL
PS.....where does that leave other people with me? I'd have a hard time myself if I was looking for Cyclothymic tendencies in other people. lol What do you look for?????? yikes! I take that and use it now since this is my responsibility to work on these problem areas with my wife and I. At least it gives some target areas to focus on and keep in mind. Also....these are just tendencies so they are even more difficult to spot. Same goes for you....you BF is likely not to have a dependent disorder but the tendencies we have still make things a problem for other people when they come out under stress or severe or extreme circumstances. We've all got them no matter how much you don't like the sound of it or like looking at it:)
One more thing.....not 100% sure about this either but ADHD could be just an amplifier or exacerbating factor to these more inherent tendencies but not the cause? That would help explain why people with ADHD seem to be so all over the map?
J
Speaking Of Disorders and Tendencies
Submitted by kellyj on
I just wanted to point out that in my list.....my stand out characteristic in my personality is being creative and being Artistic. It is what I based my career around. Interesting to note here.....out of all the maladaptive pathologies listed along with each type.....the one that I have had the majority of struggles with and have caused most of my problems throughout my life is Cyclotymia. It's not one that gets mentioned very often but if you haven't already put 2 + 2 together here......it also coincides with my strongest suit and strength. If you look up the features of this disorder.....the list as a whole sound remarkably similar to many of the same ones having ADHD? I have no other input into this other than just noticing the similarities....just an interesting FYI ?
J