Submitted by jennalemone on 10/13/2015.
I have aversion to my husband's touch. If I could trust and feel secure and loved within my husband's arms, much of the other stuff would take care of itself.
I have aversion to my husband's touch. If I could trust and feel secure and loved within my husband's arms, much of the other stuff would take care of itself.
This is not uncommon....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've witnessed in others and been a part of the dysfunction that follows troubled marriage relationships...In hind site in my own life experiences and what I see with others most of this dysfunction stems from this one thing..."I am not getting what I feel I deserve from you."
Then the stages of this rejection or perceived rejection sets in...Concern, attempts to communicate our concern, emotional hurt and pain, anger, bitterness, aversion and withdrawal, divorce...
It's a cycle only Jesus can break...I'm finding out his Love is enough, I can place my expectations on him; he will never abandon me. And when I'm experiencing his presents in my life, I can experience all the fruit of what Jesus produces in us (Love, Peace, Joy, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, Meekness, Self Control) regardless of what is going on in my spouses mind and life.
When our hearts get hard it only produces arguing, fighting, separate bedrooms, absents of intimacy and our marriages end up being a misery instead of the great thing God meant for us...
Blessings C
Faith
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am glad you are on this board, c ur self. Your words bring me back to a time when my faith was strong and untested. The test of faith and strength is not an easy path but one that we can only try to accept and keep our hearts in holy communion. I had not envisioned that my test would be coming from a source where I thought my strength would come from...my marriage. But it is what it is.
I thank God for my marriage...
Submitted by c ur self on
I was into myself; so into my ability to be wise and make things happen (man made religion)....It took the sufferings of this marriages to teach me I had to die to this man; and be alive to Christ....Nothing has ever made me grow in Jesus like this women...LOL....
peace sister!
"I'm not getting what I FEEL
Submitted by Drowning on
Drowning....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm sorry you find this statement insulting...The statement isn't about just sex, it's about any disagreement between a husband and wife where one isn't fulfilling an obligation, commitment or expectation to their spouse.
Although I will say this about the reality of your comment about sex. Any person who thinks they can use their penis or vagina as a tool to regulate the behavior of their spouse is just shoving them into someone else's bed.
I'm sorry you have been treated so poorly by the man you trusted to love and protect you. I would be angry and hurt also...
C
It becomes a vicious cycle.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When the Non-ADHD person becomes repeatedly annoyed, they "pull back"....that angers the ADHD person more.
It becomes a vicious cycle.
Even if the Non decides to "set bad feelings aside for the good of the relationship," the ADHD person rarely changes (continues the behaviors that are insulting/insensitive/abusive) and then the Non resumes the "pull back".....and then the ADHD person gets angry.
Any person who thinks they can use their penis or vagina as a to
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Any person who thinks they can use their penis or vagina as a tool to regulate the behavior of their spouse is just shoving them into someone else's bed.
>>>
No one should be doing this.
However, sex isn't "owed". If one spouse has treated the other spouse in a shabby manner during the day, then he/she is not going to be "in the mood" at night. It's not a "punishment", it's just a natural reaction.
One can be very hungry for a good meal, but then something happens (maybe they get some bad news) and they suddenly "lose their appetite." They aren't "punishing the cook." The person just no longer has an appetite, and just can't get in the mood to eat.
The same with sex. If you come home from work and then you're bogged down doing all the housework because your spouse did nothing all day, you're likely going to be "too exhausted" for sex. It's not a punishment.
The problem is that the person who is being "denied sex" isn't self-aware. He isn't thinking, "Hey, have I been nice to her today? Did I do my share of work? Am I bringing home a paycheck? Is she having to do far more than her share?"
I agree that "saying no" can lead to the person having an affair. So, I guess the solution is to end the marriage so he is free to have sex elsewhere, and she no longer feels that she's being abused during the day and used at night.
You make some good points....
Submitted by c ur self on
You make some good points; so does J...Marriages become unhealthy because of how we view life..."Who has control of our minds"...So when c ur self is in control of his mind vs the Holy Sprit I will immediately start loosing self-awareness...I stop asking myself "What does God want from me as a husband and as his Child?"....Instead I start seeking to preserve my own life...What is good for me; my wife; our marriage.....At that point dysfunction starts slowly moving in...Because I shift my focus (whether i recognize it or not) to; is she measuring up to these expectations I've set for us to share in life; and be good together?....At that point my emotions; my thoughts will start working within me to form a plan to make it better; IN MY VIEW OF COURSE!...LOL....
So when one of us fails to meet these expectations no matter how wonderful they seem on paper and in our own minds. We start questioning our spouse. What is your problem? The faulty place I was looking for abundant life bites me?
My wife can never save me nor can she hinder my peace; unless ( like I've done so often(:, placed on her expectations for what only God through Jesus can do in my own heart and mind....
Is there a way a marriage should function? Of course and both of you made some great points....The scripture say's a marriage should mirror Christ and the Church....But, If my mind is looking to preserve my life vs seeking to hear Jesus and be molded by the gospel to be the husband he has called me to be....Then dysfunction will always be the product...
One other thing....J mentioned self-righteousness; this is something sadly I'm well familiar with....How do we know when were being self-righteous? This is how....When I do or think something that is clearly wrong toward my wife, and she finds out and confronts me and there no place to turn, no one to blame....Where do I turn? I say...I apologize, and hopefully repent; then ask her if she will forgive me?
But, what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? What happens when she does something wrong, hurtful or damaging to my trust? Am I as quick to give mercy and forgiveness as I was to seek it from her? Or does she get the self righteous speech? Because lets face it....I'm the good one!!!
The light shined into the darkness; but, the darkness comprehended it not....
C
Guilt, Self Rightousness, Sex and Intimacy
Submitted by kellyj on
Chiming in here on a very interesting discussion (or dilemma?). I've been on both sides of this situation in my past and have learned a few valuable ( and hard learned) lessons from it.
As I read what Jenna stated outright " If I could trust and feel secure and loved within my husband's arms, much of the other stuff would take care of itself."
Reverse it and read it back... "The other stuff would take care of itself..... if I could (trust) and (feel secure) and loved within my husband's arms." The "other stuff" includes sex in my thinking here.
I like OW's cooking and food analogy because this is what it feels like at times from a biological standpoint.....hunger. The only difference is (but yet a BIG difference!)...is that you don't need to have sex to survive. The net result with living without sex from this standpoint is living with the"hunger" itself without it being satisfied or feelings of frustration. What's important here to consider is that this will not kill you or anyone else if you think about it from that perspective.
I think if you stand back long enough to see this, and go back and look at the "if I could trust and feel secure" part of Jenna's statement....it becomes a little easier to see where the problem is here.
If you are only looking at the sex or intimacy as the problem.....then the conflicts within that are really easy to see too. Guilt, obligation, duty, vulnerability, self betrayal, rejection, hurt, disrespect, anger, attraction, repulsion, insecurity and self righteousness. Who wants to have intimate sex under these conditions? (don't answer that if it's yes...I don't want to know! TMI lol)
NOTE: Self righteousness I purposely put at the end of this list......I think it's the first one to look at here and the first one to work on removing from the list and move backwards (or forwards?) from there.
My hard learned lessons come down to everything I just said. The answer.....feeling the need for sex and intimacy is real but so is the need for feelings of trust and feeling secure ( in their absence) and they go hand in hand and are not mutually exclusive unless you're just horny and feel your biological need (perceived need but more of a want in the big picture) somehow takes precedence of this fact at any given moment.
But once that moment is gone....your right back where you started, and nothing else has changed including all that goes with it (already mentioned).
I think it's important here to know which is the cart....and which is the horse and the ability to see these things separately in this scenario. Hopefully.....I managed to shine a light on these things here if you are having trouble seeing them yourself?
J
PS The word "Deserves" falls into the self righteous category in my thinking here. Just say'in:)
Me too
Submitted by ChrisChris on
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