I feel so beaten down today. Today I could walk out my front door and never look back. Everything is a project. Nothing is smooth or easy. I have gained 25+ pounds for a grand total weight of 170 pounds. That is in the last year. Oldest son, turning 17 tomorrow, OD'd in January and got out of rehab in late February. He has been clean for 138 days. Youngest son, 14-freshman, has Asperger's and is doing terribly in school. We had a family session with me, DH and oldest son today as part of his recovery. Oldest son is pretty astute and says we should have gotten a divorce four years ago--that would be when DH had a suicide plan and three other women on the side, none of which oldest son knows. Then 4 years ago after that he moved out for 6 months, 4 of which I didn't even know where he was living. Then there is all the medical bills that are in my name because I hold our insurance because DH has been unemployed so many times. My credit is somewhere in the 500s but his is great. You know how I know? He now has not one, not two but FOUR credit cards. Every once in a while I snoop because I always find out stuff and sure enough--testosterone and muscle building supplements. And we have had sex two times in the past 12 months. And a brand new silver watch in his dop kit. He has been saying he wants a new watch but that we cannot afford it right now. I googled this one--$200. So not a ton, but still. Then there are the bills from rehab and now the follow up counseling which is $175 a session not covered by insurance. There is just no letting up. Ever. I am exhausted all the time. Overweight. I have a bulging disc and spinal stenosis that makes walking or working out impossible. I am 45 years old and OLD and worn out. If I have to have back surgery that is just more bills we cannot afford, but I cannot NOT have the outlet of working out and the self confidence of looking decent. Two years ago I was 140. Right now the only things that keep me going are cookies and tea. And DH maintains that his ADHD is under control. He is the most inefficient person I have ever seen. He is neither on meds nor seeing a counselor despite how many times I say I think he needs it. In the family session today oldest son said is so quiet in the house. How do I tell him it's because I cannot think of a single thing to say to his dad any more. How do I tell him that I feel trapped and lonely and like my life has been a waste. That I made a bad choice 21 years ago and now we are all stuck with it. How do I tell him that if I had any self respect left I would ask his father to leave and never contact me again. How do I tell him that I am not the person I used to be any longer, that I don't care about anything except getting him and his brother raised and out so they can have a more satisfying life than I have. The irony is we are not actually fighting, it's pretty calm. Because I don't care enough to fight about anything any more. DH goes out of town often for work. I wonder if he has someone on the side, with the testosterone and all. It's not for me after all. I would be so happy if he found someone. I could stop feeling so damn guilty all the time about not caring what he does. I could stop feeling so damn terrified all the time that he is going to have another break down and leave. And so secretly hopeful that if he did decide to leave again I could justifiably say WE'RE DONE because no one would think poorly of me for putting my foot down after a second time. The first time it was poor him-depression, exhaustion, PTSD from the war and childhood abuse. No one knew about the other women. What kind of monster kicks her husband out under those circumstances?? I am just unrecognizable to myself at this point and there is no way out and I am not entirely sure it's all ADHD. What if he's just a bad guy? Too damaged by his abusive childhood to be an adult? I almost don't even care any more. I just want to be alone.
so beaten down today
Submitted by dvance on 05/28/2016.
I am so sorry, my heart goes
Submitted by Dusty on
I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you. I know how difficult being the non-adhd spouse can be. I also struggle with the question you posed... Is it adhd at the root of this behavior or is it something else? I'm praying for you, and please know that you are not alone. You are a strong person to have survived the challenges you've described! You will get through this, and you'll find happiness again. Stay strong!
I second Dusty
Submitted by Delphine on
Yes, stay strong!
And a very important part of that is eating right. You said you are keeping going with cookies and tea, but good nutrition is crucial in coping with stress, and looking and feeling good. Maybe many aspects of your life are out of control, but you do have control over what you put in your mouth. This article has some good suggestions:
http://www.ellecanada.com/living/health/the-anti-stress-diet/a/26344#.V0...
Just with taking good care of yourself, you can start turning things around. And it sets a good example for your children.
Oh and btw, I think you have more than enough reason to file for divorce from this guy. You don't have to wait for him to make that decision for you. But, no rush. Just start where you are to make positive changes like a better diet, and exercise.
Tell yourself: "Every day in every way, I'm better, and better, and better." And it shall be so!
Delphine
advance, feeling worthless and Tired
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I very much understand what you are feeling and living. I recently left my husband of 33 years, because I could no longer mentally, emotionally or physically handle being around my husband who won't deal with his ADHD. I have 3 ruptured discs in my spine and live in terrible pain every day and can't work due to this I didn't think I could live without my husband "for whatever reason", but the alternative of loosing myself ended up to be worse than living with even the "best" he could give me.
He didn't start facing his ADHD until I left, but I ask, "after all these years WHY did it take that?" I do believe there is much more than the ADHD though, but since its the primary issue, it still needs to be addressed. I just decided not to wait any longer to see if he would decide to do "better". He wouldn't, so now I don't care if he "gets it" or not. My health has suffered way too much from all of this.
I think a small part of me thought,"what if I leave and then he gets better and finds somebody else"? The more I've been learning about myself AND him, since I left, has already taught me a lot. It doesn't matter if he finds someone else. But, I do regret what seems to be so many wasted years.
My husband also seems to have a need for women's attention, and it led to him having a long term affair as well as other things. I don't deserve that and didn't deserve that. What was surprising to me was I didn't become the typical non-ADHD nag of a spouse, call him names and act hateful towards him. I was patient, tried to be understanding most of the time and he STILL had an affair. I kept myself well dressed, hair and makeup done, stayed pretty fit,and was attractive. It still didn't matter. The problem is INSIDE HiM.
You talked about loosing weight. Maybe you feel that loosing weight would make you more attractive to him. I dont believe it will change HIS outlook. But loosing weight for YOU, is a whole different thing.
For years, in trying to find out whats wrong between us, I kept reading and hearing, "You have to do things for YOU"...........but I never KNEW in my heart what that really meant. Not until just in the past week have I understood what "Doing things for ME" actually meant, down in my heart and in my HEAD. I now understand what it means to down deep LIKE myself and do something FOR ME. To where it makes me a better PERSON' to where I like myself better. Its an understanding of WHO I am, and how I got to BE who I am. Its a clarity I haven't had while living in the midst of incredible chaos.
Anyway, it sounds like your husband likes "shiny new things" like my husband. But do our husbands take CARE of their shiny new things? My husband doesn't. He breaks everything he has, including relationships, because he can't do it yet. And then he gets angry and puts the blame elsewhere because his "whatever " is now broken. But, as angry as he gets about his "broken thing", it ALSO means, he can go out and get A BRAND NEW SHINY THING" Happy time until...............its time to face any consequences of BREAKING the thing he broke. And THAT is the very thing he keeps running from. Consequences. He doesn't want to live with the consequences of anything he does. Or, I guess he doesn't want to FEEL the negative feelings that come with doing something that negatively affects someone else. We ALL do this to some degree, but my husband lives this to an extreme. Part of this is ADHD behavior which Dr. Russell Barkley explains on YouTube. One of his best videos is his ADHD And Executive Functioning, but ADHD And Emotions is good also. You might want to watch one. Very interesting.
Im not telling you you have to leave your husband, like I did, but I wanted you to know I know how you feel. Its a terrible day when you think your life has been a waste and its only getting worse despite your valiant efforts. You need some help definetly. Hugs to you today.
As J has been explaining here on other posts, we are all products of our parenting, preconceived ideals and ourselves, learning how we became the people we've become. I've learned WHY I chose an ADHD person to marry, which involved a whole lot more than my "falling in love" with him. And, even why I stayed so long, when Ive known things arent right. Its become an incredible journey for me already.
Dede....
Submitted by kellyj on
I want to share something with that struck me as I read what you said here....
Care....or caring.
When my father died....my Mom was a lost soul looking for someone to care for. When we finally realized something was wrong with her....they first did a pshchological assessment to see what the problem was. As it turned out...she had Alziemer Disease. But what the psychologist said...was what was most complelling. He said that she seemed to be quite aware of what everyone else wanted or neededl.....but had no idea what she wanted of needed herself?
If you apply that to what I said about my father being an overcontrolling or overbearing force in her life....this would make a lot of sense?
But even then....I think she went along voluntarily. She seemed quite fine taking care of the needs of others and neglected to take care of her own needs. And to fill in a little more....she became that way from a mother who was controlling and overbearing as well. This is what she grew up experiencing and she didn't know anything else.
I tried repeatedly...after my father died....to get her out and do things for herself....and resisted that intensly. She got stuck in that rut and where there for so long....she couldn't see anything else. What she needed to be a whole person....was someone to take care of. That was all she knew.
Do husbands in general only need to take care of their needs (you didn't say this...I'm purposely making a general statement) or need to be taken care of? If you grew up with a mother like mine.....I can see why that might happen. I'm different in that way. I only wanted to learn to take care of myself and did not want that intrusive kind of care that my mother was offering for that very reason. Her NEED to take care of someone felt intrusive to me and I rejected it yet....I still needed her for what she did for me as a child who needed what I needed.
What I rejected was the neediness I felt of my mother. It felt like she was doing that for a reason that was only serving her and she would not stop even when I asked her not to because it was invasive to me even back then. In respect to that...I only needed what I needed and not more than that. The rest....just felt wrong and I didn't want it.
If you connect what I said to my Mom later when she had no one to care for....I think you can see why that felt wrong and why I didn't want it even back then?
But my goal was not needing to be cared for....my goal all along....was to learn how to care for myself so I didn't need to be cared for which for the most part.....that's how I ended up.
Do you see where this is going? I hope you do for your sake. You need to care for yourself as well as caring for others. If your so use to doing that....it won't feel right at first.
What I do care about....is that you don't end up like my mother and never find a way of this predicament. Do nice things for yourself and enjoy doing them. Even if you haven't learned how to do it......it's never too late to learn? Know what I mean Jelly Bean:)
J
J, yes I understand where you are going
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I get what you're saying about your mother. For over 20 years my husband and I lived almost separate lives, even though I wished and tried to be able to "do things together". He always told me "I have to work",which meant sitting at his computer. Sorry, this seems disjointed, I've been writing on a tablet, which is very limited, and jerks the words around every couple minutes, so its crazy at times.
I worked several jobs, (as a musician) and did social events with girlfriends and co workers, would go to the gym or exercise by walking/running in our neighborhood, and took college courses in computer and math and other things.
. Any social event for us together, he would try to get out of, because once again" I have to work". But he WASNT working all those hours. I knew he was addicted to the computer. He can't NOT stay away from the computer for even a little while. No matter where we were, he HAD to be on some sort of device, even on vacations. But he would VEHEMENTLY deny he had any addictions.
. He was and IS also VERY enamored with his IQ. (Which is very high, genius level) He looks down on people who "aren't very bright"(in his words, and calls them morons) when others can't speak "his" language. More than one person has walked away from us when he starts telling people about his IQ.
He now says he really can only talk to people on "his level" because he is so smart. Even though he never SAID it, he often seemed to look down on me for not being UP TO his level. I find this arrogant and BS, now.
I told him in the beginning I was his WIFE...... NOT his mother, which he was trying to put me in the role his mother played which was to let his papers and music equipment take over the living room, dining room and kitchen. And he wanted me to "nag him" (in his words )to remind him to do what he needed to do. I couldn't manage HIS life on top of my own and everything a working wife and mother has to do. He didn't like that, which is the opposite of what I've read about ADHD'ers and their nagging spouses.
We had kids, and I couldn't let his ADHD land all over the house with no room for the rest of us. Plus I was the one who initially got us started and on our feet. He was angry that I couldn't keep that going monetarily. But he was the one with the better paying and more secure job.
When my body physically started to break down and I had to stop doing things to add to MY life, and could barely keep up with the house and yard, when he REALLY saw me as beneath what he deserved. I didn't want to believe that, until two weeks ago, when he told me he needed to be with people "on his higher intellectual level" to be able to have meaningful connections with others.
I have done too much caretaking, YES........and in this entre mix I also had to take care of his mother with Alzheimer's who lived with us for about 3years. He tells everyone he knows that HE took care of her. No, it was ME. He never spent any time with her either. I cooked her meals, washed her clothes, her hair, took her shopping, talked to her and listened to her rants.
And yes, after helping so much, I lost sight of myself. I didn't mother my husband, but I really didn't know what "doing for myself FELT like inside my head and heart". Even though I did plenty of things on my own to better myself. Maybe I'm not explaining it well enough. I have a LOT more to learn about myself, and what has driven all this.
Being Alone vs Living Alone or Both? Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
I mentioned I took almost 4 years off from any relationships after my divorce just to find out who I was. This was a really great experience but it didn't feel like that at first. At first...it just felt lonely. After a while however....I started to really comfortable with it...and the finally....I really started to enjoy the time by myself. This was a process that I had to feel my way through but once I was there....I learned how to take care of my emotional health and be happy. It never felt lonely after that and that remains to this day. If you don't need others....you want to be with them and not need them for anything.
If I had to say this now from my experience....this would be the goal. Yet...it just happens on it's own time after your there and do things and experiment until you get to that place by following your feelings and just seeing where they take you. It might be they take you to be with other people and maybe they don't. Sometimes yes....sometimes no. You don't need to ask your feelings for permission or compromise them with anyone else. I found....I really like that feeling and it feels good! When I'm not doing that....I know that too now but you have to know what that feels like first...before you'll know that.
You can't get there from here as they say. lol You'll know it when you get there...and you'll learn those things about yourself along the way. All you need is the time to do it. It's all good:)
J
J, realized I didn't finish
Submitted by dedelight4 on
J, I didn't finish everything. I Did end up taking care of everything in the house, yard, the cars, working, shopping, cooking, cleaning, fixing things in the house, laundry, on top of all the messes my husband continually was making. And running stuff for him to his jobs when he forgot drumsticks, drums, uniforms,music,etc. He doesn't remember any of this, he now says. He "did it all" which is a lie. The only thing he did was WORK. I ran the entire household alone, which he gives me no credit for.
I am now concerned that he could be developing symptoms of Alzheimer's, like his mother had. He's been forgetting some major things the past year especially. He drives to go to a store, then forgets why he's out there. Or, forgets the way to a place he's been to before and calls me to get directions. He's also forgotten to go into work a few days this year, which gets him into trouble at the college. His memory has always been a little fuzzy, but not to this extreme. HE just recently bought some books on memory and so I KNOW he is noticing it now himself, but is scared to say so. I should tell our doctor about this.
He is also now "remembering" things that DIDNT happen the way he remembers them. (recent events) and I've had to tell him what actually took place. This has always been part of his ADHD, but again not to the severity it is now.
I've told my friend I feel like I've been in an abuse situation and my body is going through PTSD. I absolutely can NOT handle stress of any kind now, without feeling almost a panic taking over me. I've NEVER had that happen before. Its like my "fight or flight" adrenaline response is gone. I have to use my mind to tell my body, "it's only a feeling, it's only a feeling", which does help to calm myself.
At the same time, I feel better mentally and emotionally with what I'm learning. I think this is going to take a while. It took a long time to get HERE, it will take a while to get out.
At my divorce hearing two
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
At my divorce hearing two days ago, one of the questions the judge asked me and my now ex-husband was "Are you in good health?" I answered "yes" because it seemed the appropriate thing to do, but in truth, I think my marriage was bad for my health and I was concerned that if I stayed in it, the stress might kill me. I already feel better, after only two days not married.
Rosered, may this be
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Rose, may this be just the start to a life of better things for you. I am wishing you well, and I'm proud of you for standing on your own. It's a painful thing I know, but you will get stronger day by day. Hugs to you.
May every single day going
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
May every single day going forward bring you something good, Rosered. I saw your good news of finally reaching the end of that long travail with your now-ex.
What has stuck with me Rose is that you have earned peace of mind by your insistence on carrying forward and even by that burst of generosity beyond likely what the courts would have required, to him. You have earned knowing that you did your best, in a very difficult, daunting process. From here forward, you will always know that you did your best with him. You'll never ever have to wonder about that.
I hope today brings you whatever you need today: catching your breath, better sleep, a little time for play that you didn't have during that very long travail. Whatever you want, Rose.
Now
reminds me of...
Submitted by Delphine on
Rosered:
I already feel better, after only two days not married.
I met with my ex (who was ADHD, undiagnosed) after the split, and he said with some surprise: "You look great!"
Similar story. I had aged in the relationship and bounced back to more of my previous self after separation.
Congrats on your freedom Rosered. I know you will make the most of it.
Blessings,
Delphine