OK I goofed. Typed it in wrong place....don't know how to fix it....never mind. I hate computers....I just wasted 2 hours of my life for a brief post...WTH!
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I think I fixed it! ......I still hate computers......
Please know I am vocalizing from my OWN experience here with this topic. I have read, studied, explored, sucked in, spit out, changed views, embraced new knowledge and held on to my own sanity(not by by own strength but HIS) through this "maze" of ADHD.
I read something in the weekly marriage tip(June 6,2016) tonite and it struck a not so nice chord with me. So I thought and thought, fumed a little, calmed down, took a deep breath.....and here is my stance.....
. I do not have ADHD. I do not hold ANYONE with ANY ....shall we say "differences" in a negative view. We ALL have qualities, abilities and traits AS human beings. I, too, have most of the good characteristics of ones with ADHD.....so.....? I also have some of the not so good facets....but do I lose my mind about it? or DO something about it? This is the part that got me perplexed UNTIL I realized why. The question "How might you be more compassionate"? is asked. I don't know if it is directly related to the ADHD or just in general and that is when the light bulb went on .....
The reality of "non perfect" in all of us is a given. The ability to love the "unlovable"(and THERE are THESE kinds of people) requires a very strong, deep over abundance of compassion. (I am not just talking about ADHD here tho it is included).
There is a saying......you cannot help those who will not help themselves. And then there is the other......to help those who cannot(in a moment or for a period of time) help themselves.
This is where I place "dealing" with ADHD. I am more than willing to put time, effort, money,WHATEVER into relationship with anyone.....who realizes there is an "issue" that inhibits that relationship.
There is a HUGE difference in honest acknowledgement of ADHD and denial. There is most definitely success and it doesn't take YEARS of unending meltdowns, scowling, financial stupidity, you said I said crap to see that SOMEONE doesn't really believe they have a "bit of an issue".
So for me.....I can have enduring compassion (as I hope they would for me) for anyone acknowledging "difficulties" they are facing BUT are, at heart, giving it their best shot. The problems ADHD causes when it is discovered and denied is MORE of an issue, in my view, than having ADHD. In other words....you have ADD? Tell me what it's like?........and if all they do is talk about the "funny side" and offer nothing in sincerity on the "down side"......they are not helping themselves or us who need to be aware of the existence of this particular "issue".
I believe it's true.....you cannot help someone.....WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED and that is sad.....and we can move on from sad.....and still have compassion.....from afar.
So many on the forums are still, after years and years, trying to make relationships "work" with denied ADHD. Having compassion for oneself .....hmmm?
Again this is my take at this moment and I would love to hear other thoughts and views on this.
P.S. I do not understand the "delimiter"?
I agree with you, and had to
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I agree with you, and had to come to my own finality on this subject. My husband would NOT face his ADHD until after I left, and it makes me think what a dummy I was for trying so hard for so long, because it didn't make ANY difference. All that happened was that I stayed in a relationship that I wanted desperately to WORK, but even folks with ADHD KNOW that it takes TWO people to work on a marriage, not just one. So it makes me wonder just how much the ones who stay in denial.......choose to stay in denial. If they can act differently when their spouses end up doing something drastic like LEAVING, then they are capable of doing so before hand. So, is it all their CHOICE? We as the "nons" have to come to many different choices and turns in the road in dealing with and living with the people who have this. And it usually seems to incorporate so much MORE than adhd, which adds even MORE to the whole thing.
At times, I do have to say I get frustrated with all the stuff that is put on the spouses/girlfriend,boyfriends of those who have this condition. So much compassion is given to those who have this, and there is less for those who LIVE with them. (In all the material I read) I understand that the folks with ADHD can and often have had difficult upbringings, but so have many of the rest of us. I guess I just wish MORE folks with ADHD would stop denying they have problems, when they know they do. DENIAL is a big thing.......I know, it just gets frustrating because it hurts SO many lives along the way.
My situation hurts because no matter what, divorce doesn't hurt just the two people involved, it hurts the entire family. Our daughters are grown, but this still hurts them regardless. Age doesn't matter when it comes to divorce, it is still hurtful. I now wonder, is he even capable of loving? Or was he just in hyper_focus" when he asked me to marry him? He won't answer these questions.
My husband would nag me about going to the doctor because of my back, but HE wouldn't go for his ADHD, except to get his concerta script. The do as I say, not as I do was big in our house, which was another thing he did not want to look at. DENIAL again, that he could do anything wrong.
One person can not make a marriage work. It can be tolerated, and lived in for years, but it's not what could be, and that's so sad.
DeDelight :-)
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I agree about divorce.....to a degree. My daughter is grown and living her own life. She would like things to all work out BUT she also does not believe it takes years AND IF BOTH are not putting effort out she sees no reason why ANYONE would stay in a one sided relationship. She has said all along......you should have left sooner.....he certainly NOTICED that! By the way, she loves her dad dearly.
My reason for this post was drawing attention to trying to have a loving, respectful, kindness oriented marriage with ADD that is treated "lightly" or not at all, by the person with it, is nearly or dare I say, not going to happen. Raising children in this kind of atmosphere is, in my humble opinion, MORE harmful in so many ways. Again I am speaking to DENIAL about ADD.
I realized recently that I do have great compassion for my spouse having to live with this......and once again, because our lives are intertwined through marriage, I am trying to understand how to live with the "love of my life"(?) TREATING ME LIKE CRAP WAY TOO OFTEN and blaming ME!? How to "choose" the RIGHT time to talk? About anything? How to do this and that and where and when and yay, he seems "happy" today....no....wait.....spoke too soon. All of this is 5 years after diagnosis.
I believe that I too am in denial.....or was....about what needs to happen. Had I never spoke up about the possibility of ADD..........I would have been 5 years younger and he would be a happy camper whose wife left him after 38 years.
We are NOT talking about children here we are talking about adults!!! Sweet Jesus!!!
DENIED ADD is a nightmare for the spouse/partner and I don't know what kind of advice one gives to a devastated spouse/partner in this situation. Anything that keeps them there is not going to come from me.....which is why I do not respond to posts from desperate,at wits end, about to go nuts spouses/partners.
My H has been very concerned that no one knows I am living in the apartment above our home since November. More concerned about that than addressing the ADD.....hmmm.....I believe my "living" situation is about to go public(like I care)......and it will be ONE MORE thing he isn't happy about....oh wait...he's a GROWN man......he can handle it......I am done with guilt,regret and self imposed "restrictions". I want to breathe without someone questioning.... why I am.
Zapp 10...I agree...
Submitted by c ur self on
It's not to hard to have sympathy for people who deal w/ add/adhd, bi-polar etc....And like you said; there are many of us who have plenty of our own difficulties...I've been around adhd and adhd symptoms, so long, it's not that difficult or even noticeable once you learn to recognize and be aware.....
It's the other stuff that's the killer....I can see why some people don't like to discuss their add, especially if they take there meds, and live openly and honestly about it.....It can be a non issue much of the time.....
It's when I experience the self centered ness, and the disrespect that flows out of those actions that say life is about me, and I will always seek to use you, control you and manipulate you to fulfill me desires in this world....Those or the times, I struggle to walk away and keep my peace....
When you point this out and all you get is denial and blame back...It's a difficult pill to swallow, to say the least....
C
I can empathize with your compassion impasse
Submitted by ADH9er on
Hello Zapp10,
As a prime candidate for being a 'Poster Adult' of 'late in life ADHD diagnosis,'(male), I most certainly can see that I once was where your DH seems to be, ( or NOT be. ), now. Just as many of the Ladies I read here that are married to, or used to be married to, an ADHD spouse are able to connect and support each other and commiserate on a deep level in their day to day difficulties,(with 'us'), I ponder what that kind of solidarity of kinship (among ADHD Men) would be like, if it would be a 'help or hindrance' in self discovery and/or building bridges in our relationships.
Yes I to have read the June 6 Marriage Tip from Melissa and (initially) thought to myself 'Ya - a little more compassion from Liz would be nice and could go a long way'. And after reading your post I looked deeper. What came to mind is how my 'gravitationally pulled' empathy & compassion can tend to get WAY out of balance, to the point of blinding me to what is healthy, good and rite. Which in many instances has left me feeling Jilted or Conned?
I would like to know if the 'Hyper-Focus' me and many of my 'collogues' demonstrated during the 'courtship of our Fair Maidens' had a common denominator of, (at least perceived) 'Rescue' from 'Perl'. In my Story, I not only was moved by my Instantaneous attraction to her physical Beauty and Character, in addition, as we learned more about each other's existences,I found myself compassionately drawn, by my "I Can Fix It" perpensity, to her struggles with Bulemia, self image,an Alcoholic Father, (whom at the time she didn't like a whole lot), a Mother who swore-off Feelings, a controlling Hypercondriac Boss at a accounting job that had Zero resemblance to her Hearts Desire (and Giftedness) of Childhood Education.
Any correlations?
ADH9er
And hello to you! ADHer9
Submitted by Zapp10 on
It is interesting that spouses with ADD don't have more of a "community" in which to discuss and discover their journey. My H is not comfortable discussing emotions(ADD or not) so this is a double whammy for him plus a possible 3rd because we ALL have emotions( hello God made us that way). In an intimate relationship, to me, if there is a problem conveying/receiving emotion on whomevers part .....then you both have a problem( because you CHOSE to care). I have told my H.....I am NOT the reason you have difficulty with emotion.....you CAME that way and I knew it. Take it up with Jesus and then unpack that baggage from your childhood. I am unpacking my OWN suitcase...Then add to that the undiagnosed ADD....oh my.....that takes some looking at. Have we learned nothing from the 40 year journey in the desert that should have only taken 12 days? That, to me, is THE MOST TELLING story of the scriptures.....we all WANT, we GET and then the pissing and moaning and UNGRATEFULNESS starts....we want SOMETHING else now.....sweet jesus!
I don't have to love my spouse....I GET to love him. It was a choice. I don't want him to fix me nor do I want to fix him......aside from the ADD I think he is a pretty cool guy.
I don't understand, IF I learn about ADD and how to recognize and RESPOND appropriately......am I missing something? Shouldn't it make sense/only FAIR that the person experiencing it give it a whirl? My go to lately is to STOP thinking personally period when I suspect ADD is giving him a hard time but not before I let him know ...." You have misunderstood me and that should give you a clue that the ADD is at play RIGHT now......YES or NO?" It seems to help him "see" "feel" in that moment what is going on inside him. I may not always be correct either and that gives us a chance to diffuse it right then.
We have also agreed that if I think it's ADD I will say it BUT if I think he is just being an ASS...well....because we know it isn't ALL ADD. He also, in turn, can tell me by using the word....Satch....when he has an issue with me. Has helped to calm things down a bit....we'll see.
One thing that I think is a biggie with my H is doing "things" for me. He seems to need a HUGE deal be made of it. It has me now not asking much of him at all.....because I can't freaking thank him enough and I have to hear how hard it was to do this or that and by the time he is done I wish I didn't want ANYTHING. He has kind of always been that way but I am, I guess, getting a wee bit older and tired and repeating myself again and again is ...exhausting....not his fault.
I wish my spouse could "feel" the way I feel when he talks and talks about himself like I am not in the picture at all. His father had ADD and did the same thing.People were shocked to know he had a wife.....he NEVER EVER mentioned her in any way that spoke of love. I witnessed that for close to 40 years.....absolutely pathetic marriage. He too made a big deal whenever he did something for his wife....like fix the kitchen faucet, tighten loose screws on cupboard doors, fix burners on stove SO she could cook(there was always a 5 year waiting period.....oh geez....I gotta stop.....the topic of his dad sets me off and I hate that I feel that way about him.(It's one of the things I am working on because I can find so few redeeming qualities in him....as a human being.) See, I am not perfect and I will admit it because it is the TRUTH and I(me) need to HEAR IT.
A community of one !
Submitted by ADH9er on
Zapp10,
Last night I viewed Red Skelton's version of the Pledge of Alleiance,That's where 'The community of one' came from. It seems that being an adult male with ADHD automatically qualifies us to live in the 'Whammy Triangle' As you mentioned with your H, Not comfortable with speaking about emotions, a few more might be; clouded - fleeting self-emotional consciousness, easily 'flooded' and brought to anger, living in a "Men need to be strong & macho / not emotional" society, being relentlessly reminded (mostly by our own inner critic) of the shame we feel for 'not measuring up - or not 'getting with the (seemingly simple) program', working vigorously to 'fix this', only to end up with it being 'more' broken...
… But wait there's More- not only more to mention, more I am certain to discover, (or be directed to grasp). Yup ~ TONS TO UNPACK. Only in the last year have I been able to put a name to an aspect of my existence, that since my earliest memory, has persisted - holding my inner joy and freedom to express myself, hostage. Anxiety
As evidenced by the scant ADHD membership here,,, well let's just say it takes a heaping-helping of putting my desire for healing in my marriage ahead of my insecurities and ‘DEFECT ‘ brain function, to put my feelings and emotions ‘out for scrutiny’. This only after over 5 years of post accepted diagnosis.
Speaking for myself, As painful as keeping things ‘locked-up’ is, Fear of rejection, at least until recently, has proved to be a near-to-unbearable suffering.
Hoping for healing,
ADH9er
.
You don't give yourself
Submitted by Zapp10 on
the credit you deserve.
You explained yourself beautifully here and there in lies your ability....to see....you are no different than the rest of us.
Recognizing the anxiety and rejection problem, where it comes from and why it is causing problems in your "present" life. "FIXING things is a very purposeful zeal for all of us. How good we feel when we do this:-) You know what?......I have found relief and peace in stepping back and staying out of "things" that are really none of my business( gives me more time for FUN and I LIKE it).
There is a lot of soul searching happening here(as well as in life's journey in general). I, myself, have been overwhelmed at times.Perhaps my H's ADD spurred it. It doesn't matter. It was MY TIME for this journey and I DON'T regret it. The GOOD, the BAD, the UGLY.
I am worthy, my H is worthy and you and yours are worthy. I "miss" the purpose(for me) of just "loving" my H. He once said to me"you make this(marriage" so hard." I immediately believed him. I looked at myself for a long time......until I saw that he had not considered his part in it. I took it all on.....how is that possible? He didn't really think it could be partly because of him because ......that's HIS journey to figure out. And I will say it again.....even though I was young and had no clue about what marriage entailed.....I absolutely LOVED my husband for who he was.......and he will even say now.......he was clueless.....and stay stuck there in regret.....because it's comfortable and familiar. ( I personally think he misses the "me" that loved him and he knows he played a bigger part in my "disappearing" than he wants to admit.) of course, I could be wrong.
I am ready to do NEW and CRAZY and FUN! I am so over NOT having FUN.
Read your post again like someone else wrote it.....you might tell that person they are closer to "freeing THEMSELVES" than they think. Just my 2 cents.
Soul Soleacing...
Submitted by ADH9er on
Zapp10,
Your insights, (2)Cents, and generosity of spirit are received as blessing. Thank You.
"New - Crazy - Fun, look sharp, here comes Zapp10". And, by 'osmosis', I encourage your H to know that he possesses the courage to 'gain entry & clean-out' the archives within.
ADH9er
The "doing things" and
Submitted by dvance on
The "doing things" and needing recognition--that is my DH to a tee. Whenever he does something he asks over and over again if it was fine/well done/good/whatever. Meals especially. For crying out loud-accept one thank you and be done. It's insane. I feel like the biggest bitch ever when I don't even WANT to thank him any more because it's never enough and likely will get thrown in my face at some later date that I wasn't appreciative enough. What is that???