After another heated discussion from lack of communication, now I;m out. Over 1 month. My step sons Dad committed suicide and he needs me to be there. I'm so confused as to whey she would do this. Everything is disrupted and spiraling out of control. My wife stopped working "to be with her son" which I agree, that means her mom is supporting her. My mother in law is awesome but they are all in shock from the suicide. Last week, she finally answered my text and said to call her and speak to my step son and tell him that I love him and miss him, he said, Doug, "where are you'??? Then she asked me to stay at the house while she, her son and mom took a few days away. I thought from the conversation that I was home and we would work on it. Well, an hour before she came home she texted me and said she didnt want me there, just like that, that she would call me later, she never did. I left, grabbed a hotel room. While I was there I did my normal thing, I mowed and did the landscape, I washed both cars. She is out of money and told me the cable was out and needed to be paid. I gave her money for the trip. I bought her flowers, delivered today. So, she called me about an hour ago and was so upset, accused me of leaving things around the house so my step son could see it. She was angry. I think she is stressing ig time over the suicide and is attacking me because she can. She is all over the place. The void is, his father is gone so I know my step son is confused, he is never going to call again, never going to be there. Its the same thing you always hear, he was a jerk, a bully, he had an affair and just had a baby with their former pediatrician. I know she has been talking to my wife and my wife does'nt like her from all thr mean things she use to say to her, all control. Well thats all over. I'm so confused, I have no idea what she is doing. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated. Doug
Thrown out..
Submitted by NonADHD on 07/25/2016.
You need someone in your corner offline
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Doug, I'm not on the site all the time, so will have missed some details you've posted but I do remember your original posts. This thing about your wife being so rejecting to you and not communicating, or you not understanding her intentions has been going on. Its a shame you and she are having such a very tough time. You've asked really important questions that we can't answer. We're not therapists, just people trying to live our lives better. It sounds like you need a therapist to be someone in your corner, for you. Your mother in law, great as she is cant be that person. You also need someone with the time and the training to hear many more details of your situation than you can give us on line. You do need someone like a coach for you, offline. Its all right. We all need that sometimes. Someone with training, once you give details, will help you get a handle on understanding more about your wife.
wishing you well.
Counseling
Submitted by NonADHD on
Hi Now,
Thanks for the comment. Ive started counseling, 2nd time today actually. My problem is this; when I wait for her to come out of her anger towards me after we had a discussion that launches her into a furious rage, and that may take some time, with no communication, signs from her that are extremely hard to read, once she comes out, and we begin to engage somewhat, I have things that I want to say and its usually the wrong things that seem offensive to her and she launches right back into defensiveness that keeps her distance. It's been this way all year, so frustrating. I need to learn to Zip My Lips ( Rejoice Ministries) and give it more time until her anger is not just below the service and easily accessible. I should know better. Now, I'm out, working to get back home. She is so hard to penetrate when she is like this, the concrete analogy. What's hard is that I miss my step son so much and I know he misses me. What's so disappointing is that she is shutting me out and keeping him and I a part. It's her son, not mine.
Hi D -
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi D -
I think Now has the right idea, I really think having a professional to help YOU in this, with you as the focus is what you need. To me this reads like a very toxic situation for you to be in, and maybe its time to walk away and rebuild your life. You clearly love your step-son, just as I love my step-daughter, and that relationship doesn't have to end, even if the relationship with his mother does. It really sucks, but trauma seems to push ADHD folks over the edge. Not justifying it, and not excusing it - just pointing it out. My struggle is with a H who is reacting to past trauma that he will not do the work to recover from, so its a constant issue for me. And if anything happens outside of that issue - it just sends him right over the edge.
I hope that things calm down soon and you find some peace. It seems we as "nons" cannot ever get it right for the ADHD spouse.
Trauma
Submitted by NonADHD on
Stacey,
Thanks, I do think we will be back soon, my wife does not want a divorce and neither do I. We have our issues that we need to work on. The problem is my wife gets "child like", throws a tantrum, baby out with the bath water, screaming, can't talk like an adult, doesn't communicate, tells me to leave her alone. She finally responded and had me tell my step son that I love him and miss him, she knows that he loves me and I love him. She loves this about me. Then she tells me to come and stay at the house, I'm thinking, I'm back and we are working on it only to have that dissolve as fast as it came, but its all positive, I was there, in my home, nothing changed. She stopped working, nothing coming in from her. I give her money and my mother in law is paying for things but our internet was out. This is what I mean, she will stand defiant when everything is crumbling down around her. She exposes way too much risk when she does this and I can only blame myself. Do you think her sons father's suicide is freaking her out? I do, I think she is extremely stressed. She loves her son and now, he will never see or hear from his Father again. He will never be in his life. But I will and I want to, then why is she shoving me away ???
Honestly - I have no idea why
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Honestly - I have no idea why she is, but she isnt responding in the same way I personally would.
When I said time to walk away - I guess what I mean is separate your existence from her, and let her figure her demons out. The reality is - only when she is willing to face her own issues, and get the help she needs consistently can things ever work out. If she has to be responsible for herself with out interference from you, then she will hopefully grasp that she alone is responsible for herself... and that really makes a difference - *I* personally believe.
From an outsider, the course of action is very clear (and easy since feelings arent involved - which is the beauty of being an outsider). But I have been through similar actions, and my husband has left the home 2 times for about 3 months each time, and then come back saying he knew his life was with me. And we are back to him saying he doesnt want to be married again. I know that the reality is - I cannot continue this yoyo, rollercoaster, contradictive activity anymore. I cannot build a future with someone who doesnt understand the concept of "promise" and "commitment". I dont think your wife understands those concepts either from what you have posted. She seems to be in a really dramatic mood shift cycle. And YOU cannot break that or change it - all you can do is take care of yourself, and hope to god that when the cycles calm down - she gets the help she needs and can be a good partner to you. It doesnt matter what you want, what she cares about is what she wants. You can still be there for the son, and make sure he knows you are always there for him when ever he needs you. Its all you can do really. Take care of yourself, and be there for the son when he reaches out to you.
Frankly - you deserve better from her.
Outsider
Submitted by NonADHD on
Stacey
Thank you ! I like your thoughts. I'm sorry about your situation, it must be such a let down for a woman like you to not have a man who can communicate his love and desire for you. My wife is at that place. I know she will come out of it. I adore her, she's beautiful, I'm so attracted to her and when she gets like this, I cant handle the rejection. I bring her flowers and not from Wal-Mart, nice bouquets from Trader Joe's, she loves plants, I leave her love you cards all over, my step son started to leave notes once he saw me do it. I hand her money with no questions asked, I do her car, wash it, change the oil, I do the landscape, I'm there for her son, and her, and she knows it. I'm intimate and we have excellent chemistry. Her whole family has broken marriages and trauma. Her mom has been divorced twice and now lives with her aunt, her aunt was divorced twice, the one living with her mom. Her father was killed in a head on collision over 3 years ago. Her mom was a raging alcoholic and her 2nd husband was abusive to her. Her cousin (from the aunt who lives with her mom) has 2 children and their father is in prison. Talk about a mess. I'm the one who has no major issues, insecurities yes but no major baggage. I have a steady job and a graduate degree. Now, I am separated so it may take a while. I know we need the break, so much stress. It hurts me when she blames everything on me. It's comforting to me to hear you say that your husband has left several times, you're not alone. Thank !
Unfortunately, my H has
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Unfortunately, my H has decided that he is broken, and cannot be fixed, so he has given up. I have done all that Melissa suggested in the books, I have read SO MANY books and articles, I have followed the advice, done the steps, de-personalized / disengaged, etc... but the end result is that he is leaving me. And it really doesnt matter what I do or say at this point - and probably never really did. So I told him I would not fight him, I would not beg him to stay like I did in the past. I am letting go as gracefully as I can. And what I have found is that I desire to be happy, to have peace - and I CAN have that with out him.
Its not what I want - but I am choosing to no longer view H as my future. I am doing this to protect myself, and frankly I have FINALLY realized that I deserve far more than he is WILLING (because its a dammed choice) to give me. I deserve more than the crumbs and dregs of what is left - and so do you. I deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, love, adoration - all the things I give to him willingly. But his focus is himself. He cares about what makes H happy. Its all about what he wants in the moment. And he has no concept of making decisions and sticking with things to have a future. Its about immediate gratification. Its why I do not believe he will ever accomplish his goals. No matter what I do to provide an environment for him, and make sure he has all that he could ever need, he still will not do what it takes to get himself there. You cannot force your wife to see the good of what you are doing anymore than you can force a horse to drink... you can only lead it to the water. If they choose not to - nothing you can do about it.
You CAN however drink the water for yourself, you can build yourself up and find joy and happiness with in your own soul. I understand how deeply you love your wife - god knows I do. I am deeply in love with my H (even if I dont particularly like him at times). I think he is amazing in so many ways, absolutely beautiful and everything I could ever want physically. But he does *not* see me in the same light. If he did - I fully believe he would do the work to keep our relationship in tact. But he doesnt. She doesnt for you (from the sound of it). The only thing you can do is accept it, and find the peace that it gives you, and the strength that you will live past this, and you will live better for it. I hope that makes sense.
There is a song that really hits me in my core - its called "He doesnt see me"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFlFinRe8xI
When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky
And I know he's a king who deserves a queen
But I am not a queen and he doesn't see me
When he dances, he moves me to a smile
And I see everything near him shine
There's a grace in his ways that I can't contain
I haven't that grace, oh, I haven't that grace
And the closer he gets I can't help but hide
So ashamed of my body and voice
There are boundaries we pass inspite of the war
But our own we can't seem to cross
She has a way that surrounds her so delicate
With a glory that reigns in her life
She is also so much that she is not
These things I can see 'cause he doesn't see me
Ooh, and he doesn't see me
There are things we can change
If we just choose to fight
But the walls of injustice are high
When he passes me by, he's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun from the sky
And I know he's a king who deserves a queen
Someone other than me, so different from me
Oh, he doesn't see me
Oh, he doesn't see me
He doesn't see me
Read more: Sarah Brightman - He Doesn't See Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Not everything..
Submitted by NonADHD on
Stacey,
Go to Rejoice Ministries .com...read the testimonies and understand the conept. Move away from ADHD thinking to more of a normal marriage and its issues. Let me know